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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Should I go?
EmotionalFool
♀ Member
Member # 37362
Default  Posted: 5:46 AM, April 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I felt like taking a break .. My friend (who knows) is alone this weekend at her home and I told her I feel like visiting her. She got all excited and we started planning about all the shopping and stuff. It did lift my mood and I started looking forward to the weekend. I asked CL and he said ok.

Now here is the catch… I feel wrong leaving CL behind. I feel guilty for having a good time without him. Should I take a break or not? Is it ok if I end up having a good time?

I had a similar discussion in IC today. I feel guilty if I have a good time when my loved one is suffering. She questioned me how exactly do I help by being miserable? Well I don’t. But all this is very confusing.


WW: 28 (ME)
BH: 28 (SI profile: CrappyLife)
D-Day- 15/10/12

Posts: 334 | Registered: Nov 2012
Card
♂ Member
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 6:35 AM, April 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It all sounds pretty manipulative to me.

Made independent plans,,,,, and then asked what your H thought. IMO, that's backwards.
I always ask my wife's thoughts before I even entertain making plans. Pre-A I did what you're doing now. I wouldn't even consider doing it that way today, it's disrespectful.

As far as taking a break?
A break from what? Reality? Recovery? What exactly do you need a break from? Being married? Wasn't having an affair enough of a break?

When I need a break, I make sure I takk the break WITH my wife. My best times/good times needed to be invested in the marriage.

Just my .02


WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
floridaredman
♂ Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 7:05 AM, April 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sometimes ok doesn't really mean ok.
CL seems to be a very giving person and after all that he has been through he still cares for you.
Maybe you feel guilty because you know deep down you're being selfish.
There's nothing wrong in taking a break..I agree with Card though..you should have asked first instead of making the plans then asking CL. If he said no..your friend could think CL was being a jerk, seeing you already made plans.

It also looks like you are trying to escape from the situation that was caused by you.

[This message edited by floridaredman at 7:07 AM, April 4th (Thursday)]


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2535 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 7:59 AM, April 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Could CL go with you? Getting out of the daily routine, but doing it together, could be very refreshing. You could still hang with your friend. Maybe if CL were there you guys could do some guy shopping too.

I think that a person does need to take breaks. How you go about taking breaks is something that requires a bit more thought now than it used to.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6099 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
heforgotme
♀ Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, April 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel wrong leaving CL behind. I feel guilty for having a good time without him.

I think you should trust your feelings.


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1083 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
uncertainone
♀ Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, April 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

EF, you're doing exactly the same thing you used to do. Do what you wanted to do THEN told CL...or , "asked", as you put it.

There is no "breaks" for fixing this shit. You need to use healthy processes every day. It's fine to want to see your friend. Why didn't you talk to CL about spending time with her BEFORE you had any conversation with her? If you sensed he was uncomfortable in any way you could have made your decision right then and nothing further needed to be said.

You don't get passes to slide backwards. Forwards or quit and quitting isn't an option, right?


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
EmotionalFool
♀ Member
Member # 37362
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, April 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok.. just to clarify .. The moment I started talking to my friend and there was even a slight possibility of making a plan... I pinged CL immediately and told him this is the discussion that is going on and if its ok with him if I go.

I did not make the plan and ask him. I asked him first and then made the plan.

I was feeling very down and asked her if she was free to chat. I told her I feel like seeing her. She stays in a different country and visits her husband every weekend. (They are apart bcz of work) SO there was a far possibility that it would work out. But then she said she was free. So I asked CL, my friend is free and it looks like I can visit her. When he said ok, then only I confirmed and checked tickets.

Yes.. quitting is not an option. But I am falling apart and I could really use some break.

[This message edited by EmotionalFool at 10:27 AM, April 4th (Thursday)]


WW: 28 (ME)
BH: 28 (SI profile: CrappyLife)
D-Day- 15/10/12

Posts: 334 | Registered: Nov 2012
uncertainone
♀ Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, April 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's not what you stated in your first post and asking at the time you had her on the phone isn't cool.

You can spin it however you want. It's not ok. You even stated you're the one that brought it up to your friend. You could have talked to CL THEN called her back to suggest it and see if it was a possibility.

Remember, you're not in a marriage where there's trust and consistency as a solid foundation. You're in a marriage hanging by a string because of your choices. Fine china gets better care. Come on, EF. You know this.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
floridaredman
♂ Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, April 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes.. quitting is not an option. But I am falling apart and I could really use some break.

What about CL, don't you think he has fallen apart too?

It takes a lot more than you are giving to fix this EF, reconciliation is hard work.
It takes a lot of introspection and facing personal demons. It also takes looking at the mess you made and be willing to clean it up, no matter how disgusting it looks.

I guarantee you if you go see this friend, even though CL said it was ok..it will not be looked upon favorably down the road.


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2535 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, April 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was feeling very down and asked her if she was free to chat. I told her I feel like seeing her.

You knew when you started chatting with her that this was where you were going to go with the discussion. That is why we are saying it should have been discussed with CL first. You should have told him before even chatting with her that you wanted to go see her whether she was going to be free or not. Then he could have been free to say no at that point, before any discussion with her took place.

You say you are falling apart and need this, so is this a normal coping mechanism, I feel horrible, I need to run away from things?


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 5072 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
bluecali
♂ Member
Member # 35135
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, April 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it's fine for you to take a break. CL may need a break, too. Assuming that you're going, stay in close touch while you're gone (unless he doesn't want you to).


Me-BH
DDAY 12/1/11
Separated and uncertain

Posts: 398 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Elm Street
Faithful w/Love
♀ Member
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, April 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No stop sign!
BW here.

I understand you need a break, I really do and sometimes we need a break also BUT, we should be the ones to suggest it. Why... because we are the ones that had the life sucked out of us, this was out of our control with wh's A's.
You want to keep your marriage in tact as it is now and it is rocky, I would not go. It will come back because if he starts to wonder if you really are where you say you are... The things and thoughts that go through our minds can trigger and that can blow up and not in your favor.

CL, may say yes because he doesn't want to look like a chump to you or your girlfriend. But, trust me he isn't liking it one bit deep down, and he could just be coving his feelings.

I think what the other people posted is SO on target.

You brought this into your lifes and now YOU need a break? Honey, this is hard on everyone but the one you hurt is standing strong by you trying. And that is alot for a male BS to do in my opinon. Most don't. Count your blessing. He should be the most important person to you right now and always.


BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)38
DD 20 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
Separated again June 2014. Heading toward divorce.
False R. Still Lying.

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is all you have left"


Posts: 2791 | Registered: Aug 2011
badchoice
♂ Member
Member # 35566
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, April 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I pinged CL immediately and told him this is the discussion that is going on and if its ok with him if I go.

I think you put CL is a really bad spot. You kinda forced him to make the decision for you, and if he said no, he would have been the bad guy. You might not have felt that way, but that might have been how CL saw it/sees it.

Were you thinking of yourself, or of CL (or as both of you as a couple) when you came up with this plan?

The fact that you are asking this question means you should trust your gut on this IMO.


Me: fWH/BH 46

Separated transitioning to D


Posts: 730 | Registered: May 2012 | From: L.A.
wifehad5
♂ Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, April 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

From what I recall, CL has talked about needing a break a time or two also. I think if you have a really honest conversation about this, and you both share your feelings and misgivings, this could be a good thing. Just make sure you're both being honest with each other.


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 37398 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
caspers1wish
♀ Member
Member # 28720
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, April 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Holy cow. Even aside from infidelity, spouses need breaks from each other. If CL has said it was ok, you're not a mind reader. Unless this is some sort of passive aggressive test that you are being set up to fail at, who knows.

The thoughts you are having about feeling guilty having fun away from CL, or needing a break even for the weekend, which I think is completely normal and fine when both parties agree to it. But you should be talking with CL about it. Like, more than a sentence or two...during that conversation you could be forming a game plan together on how you will handle being apart. You could be reassuring each other, talk about each other's fears and alleviating a lot of false notions that go around in only one person's head when it's not voiced. I see this a lot with you both. Because if this is a test, "I told her she could go, but I really don't want her to go and she just doesn't get it..." by talking all this out, you could be showing you get it. You would know if he really thinks a break is beneficial or not.


Me - FWW (35)
Him - BH (34)
Kids - Ages 6, 8, 10
Married 13 years, together 18 years.
Last D-Day - November 2008

Posts: 778 | Registered: Jun 2010
inshockandhurt
♀ Member
Member # 38789
Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, April 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Holy cow. Even aside from infidelity, spouses need breaks from each other. If CL has said it was ok, you're not a mind reader. Unless this is some sort of passive aggressive test that you are being set up to fail at, who knows.

The thoughts you are having about feeling guilty having fun away from CL, or needing a break even for the weekend, which I think is completely normal and fine when both parties agree to it. But you should be talking with CL about it. Like, more than a sentence or two...during that conversation you could be forming a game plan together on how you will handle being apart. You could be reassuring each other, talk about each other's fears and alleviating a lot of false notions that go around in only one person's head when it's not voiced. I see this a lot with you both. Because if this is a test, "I told her she could go, but I really don't want her to go and she just doesn't get it..." by talking all this out, you could be showing you get it. You would know if he really thinks a break is beneficial or not.

Firmly seconded. You need to talk to your husband and find out the truth. If you are feeling guilty maybe there is a reason. Maybe he gave you a sad look that you knew meant he wasn't really ok with it. But if the truth is that he really is ok, then as long as you stay in close contact I don't see a problem.


Me: 29 BS
Him:31 WS
D-day1: caught July-ish of 05
D-day2: caught 2/17/13 6 month EA/PA
Both were with friends of mine
2 sons
Trying to reconcile

"Forgiveness means giving up all hope of a better past."


Posts: 278 | Registered: Mar 2013
MissesJai
♀ Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, April 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

what caspers said +1. Talk to him.


FWW - 41
"Don't think first about the risks of speaking up. Think first about the risks of not speaking up." ~ Kerry Patterson

Posts: 5977 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
EmotionalFool
♀ Member
Member # 37362
Default  Posted: 5:31 AM, April 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well.. I am not going.

The reason I was feeling guilty: he was raging yesterday morning. I was exhausted. I just needed to go away somewhere. But also I knew that he must be hoping to not have this happened. Gosh it made me all the more guilty.
Whenever he is raging, he doesn’t want me around. He doesn’t want me to hold him. Doesn’t want me to talk to him. Gosh.. I feel so helpless when he rages.. I just wanted to run away for couple of days.

Some of the issues which led to the As- “” I don’t like feeling helpless So I control, I feel over-responsible for somebody’s pain, I carry somebody’s pain”.
These are the exact feelings I have right now and I am so clueless how to deal with it. I would never consciously control CL. In fact the reason I came out of the fog was when I realized I was controlling him. Now all my energy goes in just identifying my reactions and not to control/manipulate him.

But at the same time I feel so insecure. So helpless. CL was my greatest support and strength. Now its almost like I m learning to walk for the first time without him. Its difficult to see him in so much of pain. I just want him to be fine. I am nowhere near where I thought I would be in April.

I miss him and us


WW: 28 (ME)
BH: 28 (SI profile: CrappyLife)
D-Day- 15/10/12

Posts: 334 | Registered: Nov 2012
Topic Posts: 18

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