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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: OW at DS graduation?
hexed
♀ Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, April 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My DS graduates HS the week after memorial day.

My X will be coming over for graduation. I will be having a dinner/bbq to celebrate. My XMIL may join us as well. I'm fine with all that.

I have reason to think that OW may be planning on joining X.

My SO of course will be around for most of the related festivities. When my parents (divorced) attend family events their respective spouses come too.

I will not allow OW in my home. I won't spend time with her if it is even remotely avoidable. She and DS have only met 2X so they are not close. Should I pre-emptively remind my X of this to avoid any unnecessary drama? Or should I just see what happens. I hate for him to know that she takes up ANY head space of mine at all.


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8440 | Registered: Apr 2008
nutmegkitty
♀ Member
Member # 33882
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, April 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would definitely remind the X before hand. I just think it's too important to leave to chance.


me (BS)
him (NPD Ex)
2 dds
DDay 10/7/11
OW
OC

Divorced 1/17/2013

"Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend, freedom is."


Posts: 2589 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: MA
ajsmom
♀ Member
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, April 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, absolutely!

Give him the heads up now.

AJ's MOM


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21050 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
need_hope
♀ Member
Member # 23989
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, April 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Absolutely make sure you remind him before the event. Do you really want to deal with that on graduation day if it is avoidable?


Me - happily single
Him - no longer matters
Married 28 yrs
Filed for D 1/10
DIVORCED 12/12

Tact is for people who aren't witty enough to be sarcastic.


Posts: 1732 | Registered: May 2009 | From: East Coast
Newlease
♀ Member
Member # 7767
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, April 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Try to make graduation day as stress-free as possible.

My youngest DS graduated college during the D. We had a reception at his house in the college town. It was so hard and I tried to be so strong and ok for my son. He didn't ask for any of this.

If XWH would have brought OW, I think there might have been bloodshed. There is no way I could have tolerated that. But he KNEW better.

So all I had to deal with was him and his "need" to take a family picture with our son. It is the absolute worst picture of us ever taken. The looks on our faces told the whole story.

My son and I actually laugh about it now, but at the time it was awful.

Sending strength and peace.

NL


Even if you can't control the world around you, you are still the master of your own soul.

Posts: 7690 | Registered: Aug 2005
hexed
♀ Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, April 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm absolutely fine with all of it except the possible presence of OW. I don't mind seeing X or xMIL.

My X has pathologically avoided meeting SO. I'm not sure why. I'm afraid that he will bring OW b/c my SO will be here.

Truth is that I could survive OK if she showed up but I really really really don't want her to. I would undoubtedly have a glass of wine and then say something snarky to her.


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8440 | Registered: Apr 2008
GabyBaby
♀ Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, April 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dont be afraid of your X bringing OW to your home. Even if he is stupid enough to do it, its YOUR home and you have final say over who is welcome.
I think they'll both avoid the possibility being embarrassed by a none-too-friendly escort to the door...with lots of witnesses.


Me - 40s
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 40s. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - ??

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6440 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
cayc
♀ Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, April 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't just speak up beforehand, remind your X what the point of the day is. Since it's supposed to be about DS ... and DS doesn't know OW ... wouldn't it be inappropriate to make *him* uncomfortable?


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3082 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
devistatedmom
♀ Member
Member # 24961
Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, April 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nope,I would definitely remind him that my house is a NSZ...No Skank Zone. If he says he brings her or doesn't come, remind him to send a card to DS then, as DS will miss him.


BS(me) 46, Two wonderful teens.
He is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks.

WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.


Posts: 5477 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Canada
courageous
♀ Member
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, April 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If she comes without your permission and won't leave that's trespassing. You could possibly have her forcefully removed. I know that would cause serious drama but I wouldn't want the OW at my house.


Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.


Posts: 648 | Registered: Jan 2012
broken2
♀ Member
Member # 16935
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, April 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would tell the x before hand too. If the skank shows up anyway, I would politely go up to her and in a very calm voice tell her she needs to leave,.... NOW!! I would also follow that up with, you are not welcome here, you are trespassing and you have exactly 2 seconds to get yourself back in the car and leave before I make a call on this, and pull out the cellphone for her to see. Then I would start counting and start dialing! I would also walk to the back of the car while dialing so that I could give the dispatch not only the make and model of the car, but the license number as well. (Not sure that is really necessary, but the effect is HUGE!! Trust me on this one.) Remember to stay calm throughout the entire process. That adds to the effect. Drama or not, your house, your rules. Skanks are not allowed!

[This message edited by broken2 at 12:39 PM, April 5th (Friday)]


Posts: 2036 | Registered: Nov 2007
tryingagain74
♀ Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, April 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ditto what everyone else said. You can't control the OW's presence at public events or with people you care about, but you absolutely can control her presence in your private life.

I would also make good with a phone call to the police if she shows and doesn't immediately leave when asked. She needs to see how deadly serious you are about the fact that she's not the least bit welcome in your life.


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3604 | Registered: Oct 2011
kernel
♀ Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, April 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your house, your rules. If you are truly okay with it, and your DS wants her there, then I would say leave it be. Otherwise, tell X ahead of time. No sense in you and your son being uncomfortable on his big day.


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good."

Posts: 5119 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
homewrecked2011
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, April 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In SC we have "notice of no trespass" which would work great in this case.

IF your state has this (you can just call the sherrif or police dept non emergency # to ask)... anyway, you send a letter which states I am hereby notifying you that you _______ are not allowed on my property and IF you try to approach my property I will call the police on you. Then you send it certified mail.

You can give your MIL a heads up, and your XH if you want AFTER the OW signs for the certified letter. Then, you can tell them in a businesslike way that the day is for your son and you are heading off any trouble but that they are welcomed to attend.


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2118 | Registered: Jan 2012
Topic Posts: 14

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