SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I need some advice. His affair happened 8 years ago. He's been committed to R and our family. Trouble is...I still struggle and don't understand why. Why can't I forgive him? Why can't I move on with this great guy? Why do I cycle between good and bad weeks? Do I want to stay stuck?

Sometimes I feel like I made the wrong decision to stay...even though I love him and consider him my best friend. I feel like it might have been my deal breaker and I'm just realizing this now.

But...I'm not going back on my decision to stay now! I just want to know how I can do my part in the R and move forward. I want to make the best of my decision to stay. I'm sick of living my life like this!

I did set up an appointment with a counselor but wonder what everyone else thinks. Thanks!

I am three years out and I still frequently struggle. I always said and meant this would be a deal breaker for me. It is totally unacceptable behavior to me. Now I am still with him.

We have made a lot of progress in our marriage, nevertheless this still hurts so much. I have felt like asking the same question as you have here.

My husband is truly sorry but his behavior of lies, deceit, betrayal,anger and mean behavior towards me were just too much for too long of a time for me.

He made it very difficult to raise three young children with his anger, withdrawal and life of lies. I still get upset at how hard he made my life in addition to the sexual betrayal.

He kept the affair from me for 14 years after it happened. He did it on his lunch break while I was working. It seemed to compound my hurt with him living that lie and with that deception for so long.

He finally told me about it when we were separated and I was almost to divorce him for the other things he had done.

I understand you not wanting to give up on the marriage now after all these years of hard work reconciling and his apparent regret and good behavior.

One thing I found helps me is telling my husband when I am struggling with bad feelings about it. If I don't let him know how I feel I keep dwelling on it and I feel worse and worse. When I share it with him I get support and it relieves my anger, fear and distress.

Once I asked him to bring up my feelings himself and ask me how I am doing. We did that for a while and I started feeling better.

I know other people will be along who will give us encouragement and wisdom in dealing with this.

Hang in there.

I still frequently struggle. I always said and meant this would be a deal breaker for me. It is totally unacceptable behavior to me.

We have made a lot of progress in our marriage, nevertheless this still hurts so much

his behavior of lies, deceit, betrayal,anger and mean behavior towards me were just too much

ditto

not to mention how after Dday, he blamed me for his A, went around & told anyone who would listen a long list of my faults which "drove him to it"

[This message edited by mchercheur at 12:10 PM, April 5th (Friday)]

OH my. I an two years out, feel just like you do...but I cannot image 8 years out. I am much older than you, so my perspective may be from my age group (54)...but if I felt like you, for as long as you have, and was your age...I might think about throwing in the cards. You certainly would be able to look back and say you did not create this, and you certainly gave it plenty of time, which means alot when making such a decision.

Six years for me and I still struggle too. It's just so darn sad.

My H is not the man I thought he was. Still, he is the man I love. I don't think I could be happy without him. What's more, I don't even want to be happy without him. So I allow myself to be happy with him. It's not constant, as the melancholy comes and goes, but we do have many happy times.

My H is a great guy too. He made a horrific mistake, but that is not the sum of our relationship. When I focus on the good it does make things better.

I think this: I admire you for not liking (some of) your life and deciding to change, and for getting help.

Keep thinking of this:

I'm sick of living my life like this!

Use IC to decide what you want to keep and what you want to change, and for counsel and support in changing.

Thanks so much for all of your comments. Wish I wasn't having such a hard time lately.

I feel the same way, from time to time.

#1 I'm not the same person that I was when we married in the late 70's.

#2 I'm not the same person that I was when the A came crashing in on me at D Day.

#3 My marriage is changed as a result of his A. (That should be plural )

Could any of this be true for you as well? I do love my FWH and he has completely become the man he SHOULD HAVE BEEN. So, I am still here.

But truthfully? If I had been in my middle years, I cannot say that I would not have divorced or separated. My D Day was in 2007 and I still have bad, triggery days and seasons.

As has been suggested, I think I may be due for more therapy. ((so-lost))

I am 3 years out and still struggle. I feel like I can't talk about it anymore. He says I can, but when I do or if I have a bad day (which is rare these days) I either get ignored or he gets annoyed with me. I guess I should be over it.

I guess I should be over it.

Most of us will always bear the scars. And sometimes those scars still ache, years or more later.

Good Morning everyone. I hope you don't mind my responding to this thread, I am a FWW, I had a 6 year LTA, D Day was 3.5 years ago (Nov 2009). Actually Friday was 3 years exactly of my beginning of NC with MOM. My complete story is in my profile. My BH and I are in R, but he is also still struggling EVERY day as you all are, and it kills me. It is such an incredibly horrible and paralyzing feeling to know that MY husband is struggling and in such anguish and that I am the one that caused it and that there is NOTHING I can do to make him feel better. I am also struggling at 3 years out. I struggle with regret, self hatred, guilt, depression and the sense that I and my actions alone caused my husband more pain then all the other horrible things he has experienced in his life. He lost his mother to pancreatic cancer a month after we got married (we moved up our wedding date so she could be there), his father left them when my husband was just a few years old, my husband's cousin and his best friend was murdered (attacked and killed by being beat to death with a rock at the train station waiting for her mother) when my husband was 11 years old, she (his cousin) was only 10. He has not had an easy life and to know MY ACTIONS crushed him, makes me cry even more.

I went to my girlfriends house last night for an "item selling" party. It was only a handful of women. She lives in the area where the A took place, we moved from there about two years before D Day. Our family and closest friends still live there, only about 25 minutes away. My best friend of 20 years lives there. I have only seen her 3 times since d day, one of those times is when her grand daughter was born and I went to the hospital. I try to limit my time in that area so I don't trigger my husband. I don't want him to worry.

So I went last night to this party. I sat there, all these wonderful women talking, as us women do. Talking about their husbands/boyfriends, sharing different stories. I just sat there. I sat frozen. I sat there embarrassed. I sat there feeling like a sham. I sat there missing my husband. I sat there missing my WHOLE husband. I sat there grieving for the days I could come home to my husband to a hug and a kiss WITHOUT the sadness in his eyes. So I drove home after about two hours of being at the party. I drove home having to drive on the highway, driving past the hotel up in the distance of the highway where my husband found me 3 and a half years ago with MOM. My mind was spinning. I just wanted to get home to my husband. I have driven those roads A ZILLION times, but last night I was lost in my horrible thoughts and memories and I got lost. I don't even remember driving.

So I got home, we put the kids to bed and when we were in bed I told my husband that I am sorry. I was crying uncontrollably. I explained to my husband where my thoughts were earlier that night at the party. My husband consoled ME. He told me it was okay. He told me that I shouldn't feel insecure and embarrassed around anyone else. That I am a wonderful person and that NO ONE is better then me. He said that I can feel those things "between us" when we are alone together, but when I am anywhere else, I am "better then most anyone". This only made me cry harder.

I do not want to go on most days. I feel I cannot go on living with what I have done. But I do. I put on a strong face most days FOR my husband and our children. My husband deserves better, he deserves for me to hold him up when he is down. Our children deserve to see their Dad living as best as he can, after all, he is here, he is withstanding all the pain and anguish I have put him through. He has stayed out of love for us. He wants his family to be whole, he wants to be happy again. I wish wishing made it so.

Strength to all that are living through this.

Do I want to stay stuck?

Definitely not!

It may have been a deal breaker.

But I don't agree that everyone just "knows" if it is or isn't...or that it magically comes to you "in your gut." Just because you're struggling 8 years out doesn't mean it was a dealbreaker. It may just mean that you have yet to fully embrace your choice to stay. Even if you worked hard on R, were "all in," the marriage is progressing, the spouse is awesome...embracing a choice is internal - and it can take work. Just as I don't believe people (always) arrive at an "aha!" moment that the A was a dealbreaker, I don't think people (always) arrive at an "aha!" moment that R was the right choice. And I don't think R going well = embracing the choice. As I said, I think it is internal.

I think it is great to meet with a counselor. I don't know if you're into this stuff, but meditation could be something to look into. Sometimes what is holding us back is in our subconscious and we can get to it via meditation.

Good luck.

I am 6 years out and sill struggle at times. Not at all with my decision to R but with the affairs.

I used to always wonder when the pain will go away. I know realize that it will always be there.

Don't get me wrong I am happy 99% of the time but I do have my days that still haunt.

All I can say that if he is this great guy maybe you need to focus on all the positives he brings to your life.

Do you really think life would be better without him?

If you let him go you will still think about what he is doing every minute of every day and that you will have no control of.

If you are anything like me you love your spouse dearly.

I would think the positives in the marriage far out weigh the negatives.

I hope you can find peace and a solution with IC.

So sorry to hear your struggles 8 years after DDay. I can't imagine what the pain and torment must be like.

Here's a perspective I'd like to offer: Do you think you could offer advice to a friend who told you they were in a relationship where they felt on edge, angry, untrusting, and hurt, and say, this went on for 8 years because, well, the couple was just simply incompatible with one another (note: often times, infidelity CAN be a major sign of incompatibility - not always). Would you tell your friend that maybe he/she should stay in the relationship for, well, another 8 years and then evaluate again? Maybe another 18 years and then evaluate again? I guess what I'm wondering is when is enough enough? Knowing you only have one chance of happiness on this earth - you only get one shot at this thing called life.. Do you think there's a point where by you simply have to say that maybe you could be happier, more trusting, and truly love someone (unconditionally, with full trust, putting your heart on the line, etc.) if you perhaps tried with someone else? After all, do you think you would feel you lived a life TRUE TO YOURSELF if you wake up when you're 80 years old and are still feeling that you are struggling a lot with the A, have major trust issues with your WS, worry about their every move (are they going to cheat again? Maybe? Maybe not?), etc. I can't imagine that would be a very good way to feel on the morning of your 80th birthday. And hell, I truly wouldn't wish a life of those feelings on even my worst enemy.

That being said, I think there's a healthy amount of time to grieve and work through issues, but as multiple counselors have told me (yes, I've had multiple counselors since the A.. It is, well, quite awesome and a great way to break the ice at parties) that it is healthy for YOU to set a loose limit on how long you want to live in torment, pain, etc. The consensus seems to be 1-5 years. After all, continually subjecting yourself to those feelings, adrenaline, etc., will eventually increase your chances of a stroke, heart attack, etc. It just isn't healthy for anyone. Not you, not your WS, not your kids, etc.

So bottom line: I think it's 100% normal to feel this way, but one may have to decide how long one can feel that way before it starts to do more harm than good. Maybe for you that time has come? Maybe it hasn't? Only you know. Look within your heart, your mind, and find that happiness. It exists within all of us.

[This message edited by Theradin at 9:47 AM, April 7th (Sunday)]

it is healthy for YOU to set a loose limit on how long you want to live in torment, pain, etc.

The pain is inevitable, and I cannot set a limit on how long I will feel it, any more than I can set a limit on how long my shattered and torn shoulder will hurt.

I can however choose how I'll deal with the pain, and how much suffering I need to put up with.

At this point in my life I'm about as happy as I decide to be. But I still feel pain for what was lost.

I am 3 1/2 years our from Dday#1 and 1yr out from DDay#2 where I found out that my FWH had multiple PAs ( one lasting for 37 yrs- off and on as he says), EAs and escorts.

I struggle everyday. We are in MC and IC and fwh is in SA counseling and it has helped. But, I don't think I will ever "get over" this. My fwh is very remorseful and he is doing everything he is suppose to and I do appreciate that he is. If he wasn't then I would file for D.

But, still this has shattered me. 37 yrs is a lifetime of secrets and lies and that is something that you just don't "get over" that easily.

I know he is in pain for what he has done and he is trying to deal with that.

Hopefully, someday this will ease and not be so painful.

I am 6 yrs post d-day and my FWH are R.

I still think about the LTA but it does not hurt like it did right after d-day and I am happy and at peace with my decision to R.

My FWH has changed dramatically and has worked really hard to save the marriage and make amends to me.

I think that the BS is traumatized by the infidelity and whether you decide to R or D the pain is intense and lasts a long time.

I was devastated by my FWH's LTA.

I had an emotional breakdown after d-day and was also a physical wreck- heart palpitations, panic attacks,insomnia,you name it.

But, I decided that I would not let the infidelity destroy me and I would not allow the OW to destroy my family.

I decided to try to R.

Two books that helped me were: Transcending Post Infidelity Stress Disorder by Dr. Dennis Ortman and Living Through a Personal Crisis by Anne Kaiser Stearns.

Stearns writes about the victorious survivors who make it through a crisis.

And Dr. Ortman describes what he has learned from his psychology practice-and that is that most BS were presenting with symptoms of PTSD (post traumatic stress).

He renamed it PISD (post infidelity stress disorder) and wrote the book offering advice for those that divorce after infidelity as well as those that reconcile.

Ortman believes that either way the BS needs help to overcome the trauma.

Other things that have helped me were IC ( I saw a therapist for 4 yrs!) and tried EMDR as well to help with the triggers.

I've been away from SI for awhile so I had no idea more people responded. Thanks so much for the heartfelt responses.

I've had two counseling sessions so far. She seems to think I spiral back to the affair due to current issues in the marriage. Basically the last two sessions have been about him. It all rings true of course but I also want help with forgiveness and really trying to control my thoughts and triggers. I really want to rely on myself changing. I do not want to depend on him for my happiness.

Thanks again. You're all awesome!

so_lost, I wonder if a gratitude journal might help you? If you are wanting to R and trying to forgive, then how about spending some time focusing on the positives? If he's not doing anything to make you think you can't trust him, then focus on the positives.

I write in my gratitude journal everyday. 3 things that I'm grateful for that day. I try to keep it about my H, but if we had a terrible day, then I see what else I am grateful for about him. Like, I'm grateful that he's a great father, or grateful that he provides for our family, or whatever.

This will help you FEEL more positive about him, because you are noticing the positive things more often about him.

7 years here and I so know how you feel. It's a crazy train for sure!

This post from November really struck a chord with me. I re-read it often so as not to stay in the cycle of *nursing the hurt*

“You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.”

I read that today and thought to myself, that was me so many years ago. My husband had changed. My life had changed in so many ways. My work was back to normal. I was no longer hurting with sobbing tears and my nerves were no longer shaking like a coyote passing a peach pit. Life, was going on, but I was not.

I was so afraid to be happy again. So afraid of leaving myself unprotected and leaving myself wide open for the pain of infidelity again, that I needed to protect myself. Fear, flat out simple, scared to death. If I stayed in fear, I could not be hurt again. Self- preservation, sad and true.

So I kept opening the book and re-reading the previous chapters. Analyzing them, thinking about them, figuring out my mistakes, his…whatever. If I kept re-reading then I didn’t have to do the hardest part of reconciliation. The giant swallow of trusting again.

But until you take that giant swallow that exposes you to the hurt again, you will never move forward and build the new chapters of your life. Not just the married life, but your life.

Yes, you need to be ready. Yes, the WS needs to do the work first, but really there comes a time when you need to know that you CAN survive infidelity, even survive it again if you have to. You have to come to a time when you know that your life is important enough to move past this chapter and read the new options in your life, the new words that have built your survival and live the new spirit of strength you have found.

There comes a time when it is time to swallow, risk being hurt again and challenge yourself, Swallow. You did survive infidelity. Now it is time to move on. Turn a page. I struggled long and hard with that last swallow of acceptance, that last step of reconciliation.

DDay 2005. Celebrated 28th wedding anniversary this year. He makes the bed each day now. Why? I have no clue. Only that he knows I am important and he almost lost me. He works hard to show me each day I am worth his love and he is worth mine. We are going to finish the book.

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[This message edited by Lucky2HaveMe at 10:52 AM, May 8th (Wednesday)]