Breathe, and try to take care of yourself. It's scary and hard in the early days but you have an army of people here to help you, and to promise you that you're going to be ok.
More information may trickle in. Brace yourself for the fact that you may not have the whole truth.
Keep posting and let us help your hand as you navigate these painful, murky waters.
[This message edited by Jrazz at 10:11 PM, April 5th (Friday)]
For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot
...that I pushed him away and that is the reason he did.
Take care of yourself - especially the basics, especially right now. Remember to eat and drink water and sleep and keep up your normal habits and schedule as much as possible. <3
Marital issues are one thing - betraying on your spouse is a whole other thing.
Like the former poster said, unless you were there in the room with both of them pointing a gun at his head and telling him "do it or die" you are 100% NOT GUILTY of causing him to cheat.
Adultery is an action, not a re-action. It is the choice of the adulterer. He could have chosen to man up and work on his marriage rather than look outside for his "strokes".
As long as he continues to blame you for his adultery, there is no chance in hell of healing your marriage.
He will have to "own" his actions, and develop sufficient contrition to lead him to look inside himself to find the reason why he cheated.
AFTER that, you two can begin to work on your marital problems, if you choose to do that.
And, it is perfectly, 100% "ok" for you to choose to kick his concupiscent buttocks to the curb.
I know you're in a terrible place right now, mentally & emotionally, but remember this - you did nothing to cause your H's infidelity...nothing.
As betrayed partners/spouses I think we all question ourselves and doubt ourselves. We grind away on the "What if" questions. That's natural and normal. But for your H to confess an A and then put the responsibility squarely on YOU is insane! It's the equivelance of denial - "I didn't do this - you did!"
Don't buy any of it for one second! Also, as Jrazz said, steel yourself for more - this may be the beginning of more terrible discoveries.
You are in a good place here come back and we can share your burdens. Strength to you livebythesea.
[This message edited by noprincess at 6:11 AM, April 6th (Saturday)]
I'm sorry you're being made to question yourself.
There are some vocab words like "blameshifting" that come to mind when I read your post.
And the others here that speak of choices a spouse makes are really well spoken. It's how a person deals with their problems and when they turn away from a spouse or M, it's all them.
At least that's what I feel and what I've been told by counselors. If they choose someone other than a spouse to work with their problems, that's their fault.
Also, if he didn't choose to tell you there was a problem for him, how could you know?
The times, they are'a changin'! -Bob Dylan
that I pushed him away and that is the reason he did
Wait.....did you push him on top of a naked woman?
Your WH is so full of B*LLSHIT, as was mine.
He did it because he is selfish, & because he thought he could get away with it.
It has absolutely nothing to do with you. Many many "perfect" wives are cheated on.
Now you have to decide if you want to continue with someone who would do that to you. But first, he has to understand what he has done, then maybe there is hope that you can start all over again, a new marriage which is stronger than before.
Right now, he is still in the Fog (please read about it in the Healing Library.)
I am sorry you have found yourself here, (((livebythesea))), but you will find much comfort here, because we have all been thru this.
I am sending you hugs & strength.
I'm sorry for your pain. People are shitty, even to the ones we love. My wife didn't tell me. She got caught. We're trying to overcome it.