Then he turned into a raging animal when I filed. That's where we're at now, 18 months into this hideous divorce.
She was sorry her bubble had burst and OM scampered back to his wife tucking his tail between his legs.
To this day she maintains she didn't do anything wrong.
Her ego got the best of her.
He didn't look back.
Never begged to be taken back, pleaded for my forgiveness. Nothing.
And I'm glad. It made detaching so much quicker and easier for me (read months instead of years).
He's very good at playing the victim and getting people to feel sorry for his plight in life...but that is where it ends...there is no conscience reflection of wrong-doing on his part. Rug-sweeping, yes. Blame-shifting, yes.
Trust me, this is a blessing in disguise. Just don't internalize it...he's not doing any of this because of something you did or because you somewhere aren't worthy. He's doing this because that is how his broken ass operates. He knows no other way to cope because he will not face himself and try to discover new ways to cope with his shortcomings.
Anyway...I do remember my son, who I spent 2 brutal days with trying to get him acclimated to his freshman year with this horrible knowledge hanging over our heads saying.."Mom, what's realy wierd is he doesn't even seem sorry!!"...my son was right... he didn't seem sorry. He was so cold about the whole thing...still is.
And then he wonders why his kids have distanced themselves...oh but that's all MY fault too.
I thought the caught spouse was supposed to cry & grovel & beg forgiveness & say they'd do anything to fix it.
So did I honey...so did I. I am starting to think the reason we are all struggling with the same crap over and over is that WE are normal, loving, people with good hearts and real values...and people like us cannot begin to understand the callous heart of our cheating spouses..that alone is enough to take but then you add in the fact that we were married to these people and the cycle of "what's wrong with me?" starts all over again...........
this just sucks.
and people like us cannot begin to understand the callous heart of our cheating spouses
t/j - thank you I really needed to hear that today- end t/j
"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou
"When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be". –
And he is still trying to force his "choices" down his family's throat. Not working well, but it no longer involves me as he and I have been NC for close to a year now, except for an occasional text from him for ridiculous BS, that I ignore.
My take - he is a broken, narcissistic, fucked up individual. Thank God I no longer have to deal with his lies, both to himself and everyone else. Somewhere inside him he gets it, he just refuses to acknowledge it. The alcohol helps hime with that, but I truly believe that one day he will no longer be able to run from it. But it's no longer my problem.
[This message edited by persevere at 10:51 PM, April 6th (Saturday)]
Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron
It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling
Like you, I was expecting her to cry, beg for forgiveness, profess her undying love for me, promise the world if I could somehow forgive her. It took me a few weeks to figure out that that was not going to happen. I laugh to myself now about the following exchange she and I had about a month after DDay.
Me: "I don't understand it, but you just done seem remorseful."
Her: "What! What do you mean?!!! I fell on my sword for two weeks."
Really? Didn't notice that. Expected a bit more, in any case.
The good part, I guess, was that it was probably the biggest factor in my determining that we were done. Thank God I didn't have to suffer through these false R that so many people have to deal with.
Best to you. Good luck.
I asked her if she felt any remorse she said "I cry in the shower"
What fucking planet do YOU live on???
WE are normal, loving, people with good hearts and real values...and people like us cannot begin to understand the callous heart of our cheating spouses..that alone is enough to take but then you add in the fact that we were married to these people and the cycle of "what's wrong with me?" starts all over again...........
Very powerful words. Made my day. Thank you ma'am.
I cry in the shower Oh boy that really helps and how can I tell?
For me, this has been a blessing. After I got over my "why wasn't I worthy/good enough" codependent mind set, the healing has just snowballed.
I am really thankful that I didn't even have the option of R because knowing my codependency mind set at that time and the need to make everyone happy and please everyone, I probably would have give him another chance, and another, and another and I would have continued to be in an unhappy, unbalanced, parent/child relationship with my stbx.
I also had hoped for the remorse, change, to work on our marriage, to move on together and get passed all of this. I wanted him to be part of the statistic that fought for their marriages and worked on saving us. It was not to be. Sure he tells OTHERS how sorry he is that he hurt me! HURT ME??? Hurt does not even begin to describe it. He also plays the victim so freaking well as well as is now at the stage of saying....it was all for the best and one day I will find a "nice man". ASSHOLE.
I do think part of my "problem" is that I forgave him and worked really really hard to build something. I made the decision to trust him. I worked on me and made the changes he said he wanted only to find, he was still sleeping with her and it was all a facade. I think that the fact that he never FOUGHT for me is what has broken me the most. He certainly fought for her and she certainly fought for him. BUT - intellectually - thanks to this site - I realise that in days to come maybe I will consider myself blessed!
He is only angrier than ever at me because this D is inconveniencing him & costing money.
Exactly that I am just a problem in him riding off into the sunset with the OW. I think he expected me to just go ok and you take whatever you want.
Ding dong, the bitch is gone! Settling into the life of a single dad.
He never once apologized to me for his affairs. He has said a couple of times that he was sorry i was hurt.
All along he has maintained the good guy image of wanting to reconcile, not wanting the D, being the victim etc. But that's all it is-at no time has he shown any capability to do what was needed. In fact, when he talked MC's receptionist he was shouting on the phone:" I have done nothing wrong!" True colors of entitlement showing there.
The only thing worse than an openly unrepentant WS is one who only CLAIMS to be. It's crazymaking.
[This message edited by trebleclef at 2:01 PM, April 7th (Sunday)]
I've got my theories (Passive-Aggressive Personality Disorder, Covert Narcissism) but what I have been able to confirm is that his brand of mental illness does not appear to be capable of empathy or remorse. So it seems that in my WH's case, the remorseful and empathetic stage has yet to appear because he is incapable of truly feeling any of that and has yet to feel the need to pretend.
When I bring up things like him using our joint acct to book a hotel room he just chuckles and says "yeah, that was stupid". He acknowledges that doing everything behind my back wasn't right but he's just not sorry. He doesn't show guilt or remorse or have any interest in fixing things.
Mine just walked away too, as if spending half our lives together meant nothing. He never said he was sorry about anything or showed any remorse.
It cut me deep to observe that our lives together, and our preteen children who were so vulnerable to damage, meant nothing to him compared to some trash that he "fell in love with" on the Internet. It truly seemed that as soon as he transferred his affection to another woman--one he hadn't even met yet--all feeling for me just died. His eyes were dead and cold when he looked at me. It was obvious that I was just a hindrance to be gotten rid of.
Our children are clearly damaged by his actions. He never explained or apologized to them, except to introduce a new OW to them as their "new stepmother" two weeks after he left our home. The divorce wasn't final until over a year later.
They've lost their respect for him and have told me, in confidence, that they think of him now as a person who makes bad choices. They also hate their stepmother, and avoid visiting their father if at all possible (it's four years now since he left, and they are teenagers who have minds of their own about where they will spend the weekend). Their father doesn't seem to care.
The children are struggling in school and in life. It breaks my heart to see them. Nothing I do seems to help.
[This message edited by josie11 at 10:52 PM, April 7th (Sunday)]