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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Did anyone have a spouse who wasn't really sorry?
tryingagain74
♀ Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, April 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Same here. No remorse at all. He acts like it was no big deal. He's never once made me feel like I was making a mistake when I chose to D. He has consistently reinforced to me that I made the right decision.


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3600 | Registered: Oct 2011
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 8:44 PM, April 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine pretended to be sorry, but he's incapable of feeling remorse, so it wasn't very heartfelt, to say the least.

NPD.

Then he turned into a raging animal when I filed. That's where we're at now, 18 months into this hideous divorce.


Posts: 1694 | Registered: Oct 2011
Happydays
♂ Member
Member # 38681
Default  Posted: 9:13 PM, April 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FWW wasn't sorry she had an A.
She wasn't sorry when I confronted her on D day.
She was sorry after a month, when I tols her I had PI evidence.
She cried in front of my friend, but justified her A.
She blamed people who had helped me for breaking up her family.
She said to them: what I'm a supposed to do if I fell in love?

She was sorry her bubble had burst and OM scampered back to his wife tucking his tail between his legs.

To this day she maintains she didn't do anything wrong.
Her ego got the best of her.


BH 33
FWW 32
DS: 3 year old.
Dday 10/14/2012
No remorse so:
Divorced 02/15/2013. No alimony, no CS, got apartment. Won all battles and mind games off the courts.

Posts: 294 | Registered: Mar 2013
tesla
♀ Member
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 9:58 PM, April 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No ex-shat wasn't sorry.

He didn't look back.

Never begged to be taken back, pleaded for my forgiveness. Nothing.

And I'm glad. It made detaching so much quicker and easier for me (read months instead of years).

He's very good at playing the victim and getting people to feel sorry for his plight in life...but that is where it ends...there is no conscience reflection of wrong-doing on his part. Rug-sweeping, yes. Blame-shifting, yes.

Trust me, this is a blessing in disguise. Just don't internalize it...he's not doing any of this because of something you did or because you somewhere aren't worthy. He's doing this because that is how his broken ass operates. He knows no other way to cope because he will not face himself and try to discover new ways to cope with his shortcomings.


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4619 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
dumped&replaced
♀ Member
Member # 34288
Default  Posted: 10:15 PM, April 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG yes I hear you MichelleRenee! Mine never showed any remorse either...in fact, the morning I found the proof (same day "we" were driving our oldest kid to college - turned out to be just me) all he did was run around like an idiot trying to do damage control "don't tell the kids,,,this has nothing to do with the kids"...REALLY? this has NOTHING to do with the kids?? What fucking planet do YOU live on???

Anyway...I do remember my son, who I spent 2 brutal days with trying to get him acclimated to his freshman year with this horrible knowledge hanging over our heads saying.."Mom, what's realy wierd is he doesn't even seem sorry!!"...my son was right... he didn't seem sorry. He was so cold about the whole thing...still is.

And then he wonders why his kids have distanced themselves...oh but that's all MY fault too.

I thought the caught spouse was supposed to cry & grovel & beg forgiveness & say they'd do anything to fix it.

So did I honey...so did I. I am starting to think the reason we are all struggling with the same crap over and over is that WE are normal, loving, people with good hearts and real values...and people like us cannot begin to understand the callous heart of our cheating spouses..that alone is enough to take but then you add in the fact that we were married to these people and the cycle of "what's wrong with me?" starts all over again...........

this just sucks.


Dday: 8/22/11
Divorce final: 10/6/12 - my 22nd wedding anniversary
Married: 21 years, together 23 years
BS: 51
WS: 47
2 awesome sons, ages 19 & 20

Posts: 198 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: PA
HurtsButImOK
♀ Member
Member # 38865
Default  Posted: 10:32 PM, April 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

and people like us cannot begin to understand the callous heart of our cheating spouses

t/j - thank you I really needed to hear that today- end t/j


Me: Awesome - 35

"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou

"When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be". –


Posts: 728 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Australia
persevere
♀ Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 10:50 PM, April 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My XWH broke down ONCE crying, progressing how sorry he was since DDay, on Valentine's Day, one month out after DDay, the day he walked out. It didn't last. Since then he acts like he doesn't regret a thing.

And he is still trying to force his "choices" down his family's throat. Not working well, but it no longer involves me as he and I have been NC for close to a year now, except for an occasional text from him for ridiculous BS, that I ignore.

My take - he is a broken, narcissistic, fucked up individual. Thank God I no longer have to deal with his lies, both to himself and everyone else. Somewhere inside him he gets it, he just refuses to acknowledge it. The alcohol helps hime with that, but I truly believe that one day he will no longer be able to run from it. But it's no longer my problem.

[This message edited by persevere at 10:51 PM, April 6th (Saturday)]


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4515 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
nomistakeaboutit
♂ Member
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 10:52 PM, April 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My xWW had no remorse.

Like you, I was expecting her to cry, beg for forgiveness, profess her undying love for me, promise the world if I could somehow forgive her. It took me a few weeks to figure out that that was not going to happen. I laugh to myself now about the following exchange she and I had about a month after DDay.

Me: "I don't understand it, but you just done seem remorseful."

Her: "What! What do you mean?!!! I fell on my sword for two weeks."

Really? Didn't notice that. Expected a bit more, in any case.

The good part, I guess, was that it was probably the biggest factor in my determining that we were done. Thank God I didn't have to suffer through these false R that so many people have to deal with.

Best to you. Good luck.


Me: BH 56.........Her: WW 43
DD: 6..........DS: 4
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
...................................
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 944 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
Distraut
♂ Member
Member # 38655
Default  Posted: 11:23 PM, April 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After D day I said to my WW you havent shown any remorse to which she replied I cry in the shower Oh boy that really helps and how can I tell?
Ive read 70% of ws eventually try to return to M after coming out of Fog but no one knows when or if they will and why would we want them after the knightmare they put us through.I have kids and right now I would try if there was real remorse but there isnt and seeing all the LBS on here isnt real encouraging.I just wish I knew so I new what to tell children but I know I have to carry on like it will never happen and heal me and my now broken family.If we do ever R I dont think i will Marry her again without a foot thick prenump Wait no NOT EVEN THEN!But my kids do need a mother so who knows?


Me47 BS
Her WW40
DD13
DS11
D Day 02/16/13
Married 15 years
divorced 04/02/2013
Moving on!

I asked her if she felt any remorse she said "I cry in the shower"


Posts: 120 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: midwest
Happydays
♂ Member
Member # 38681
Default  Posted: 2:09 AM, April 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What fucking planet do YOU live on???

WE are normal, loving, people with good hearts and real values...and people like us cannot begin to understand the callous heart of our cheating spouses..that alone is enough to take but then you add in the fact that we were married to these people and the cycle of "what's wrong with me?" starts all over again...........

Very powerful words. Made my day. Thank you ma'am.

I cry in the shower Oh boy that really helps and how can I tell?



BH 33
FWW 32
DS: 3 year old.
Dday 10/14/2012
No remorse so:
Divorced 02/15/2013. No alimony, no CS, got apartment. Won all battles and mind games off the courts.

Posts: 294 | Registered: Mar 2013
dmari
♀ Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 2:25 AM, April 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Absolutely no remorse. Never apologized. Never wanted to even try to save the marriage. Literally, walked (probably skipping) out the door without a good-bye to the children. He continues to be the victim. Has not been accountable for the consequences of his actions, mainly, children don't talk or want to see him but of course, this is my fault (like everything else).

For me, this has been a blessing. After I got over my "why wasn't I worthy/good enough" codependent mind set, the healing has just snowballed.

I am really thankful that I didn't even have the option of R because knowing my codependency mind set at that time and the need to make everyone happy and please everyone, I probably would have give him another chance, and another, and another and I would have continued to be in an unhappy, unbalanced, parent/child relationship with my stbx.


Me (BS): 42 Children: DD 19, DS 15
Settled at mediation
Officially divorced ... SOON!

Posts: 2191 | Registered: Oct 2012
JW123
♀ Member
Member # 21265
Default  Posted: 2:56 AM, April 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine was not sorry and certainly showed no remorse. He told my youngest that "his car just took him away to OW's house"!!!!!!

I also had hoped for the remorse, change, to work on our marriage, to move on together and get passed all of this. I wanted him to be part of the statistic that fought for their marriages and worked on saving us. It was not to be. Sure he tells OTHERS how sorry he is that he hurt me! HURT ME??? Hurt does not even begin to describe it. He also plays the victim so freaking well as well as is now at the stage of saying....it was all for the best and one day I will find a "nice man". ASSHOLE.

I do think part of my "problem" is that I forgave him and worked really really hard to build something. I made the decision to trust him. I worked on me and made the changes he said he wanted only to find, he was still sleeping with her and it was all a facade. I think that the fact that he never FOUGHT for me is what has broken me the most. He certainly fought for her and she certainly fought for him. BUT - intellectually - thanks to this site - I realise that in days to come maybe I will consider myself blessed!


Him (WS)43
Me (BS) 43
3 beautiful children
D -Day 13 October 2008
He moved out - 1st June 2009.
Divorced - 29/11/2011
He lives with OP now
Married 15 years. Known him 21 years
(Although I suspected, denial is quite a thing)

Posts: 488 | Registered: Oct 2008
Coraline
♀ Member
Member # 36434
Default  Posted: 4:33 AM, April 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry? Oh, hell no. He's never even been sorry he got caught, because he just looks me straight in the eyes and tells me I'm misunderstanding something or misremembering something or crazy. There is no room for sorry in my STBX's tiny, little, black heart.


Me: BW, 34 Him: WH, 35
3 Kids: 9, 3, and 1
Decree nisi will become absolute in January. We are DONE.

Posts: 771 | Registered: Aug 2012
Bluebird26
♀ Member
Member # 36445
Default  Posted: 5:35 AM, April 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is only angrier than ever at me because this D is inconveniencing him & costing money.

Exactly that I am just a problem in him riding off into the sunset with the OW. I think he expected me to just go ok and you take whatever you want.


"Loving someone should not mean losing you. Love empowers you. It shouldn't erase you. - Thelma Davis.

Posts: 1331 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
LastChanceLarry
♂ Member
Member # 37322
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, April 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After 7 months of failed de-fogging XGF was only able to show a tiny hint of remorse. Then she would see OM a week later.
Was she sorry? Sure. She seems aware of the damage she had caused and the upheaval she was putting our family through. She's mostly sorry for herself though, she's losing her meal ticket and trading it in for a dead-end. It's taken me quite a while to realize how sick and selfish she is.

~Larry


D-Day: 8/27/12
Me: BBF (29)
WXGF: Confused26 (27) EA/PA with xBF, lasted almost a year. TT, blameshifting, gaslighting, & broken NC for 10 months.
DS: 3
Together 5 years

Ding dong, the bitch is gone! Settling into the life of a single dad.


Posts: 317 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: New England
trebleclef
♀ Member
Member # 33488
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, April 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He made a huge show of telling our kids/his family/ my family he was" sorry he hurt someone they cared about"......... And ended his spiel with a big fat "BUT.....". ( hence my tagline)

He never once apologized to me for his affairs. He has said a couple of times that he was sorry i was hurt.

All along he has maintained the good guy image of wanting to reconcile, not wanting the D, being the victim etc. But that's all it is-at no time has he shown any capability to do what was needed. In fact, when he talked MC's receptionist he was shouting on the phone:" I have done nothing wrong!" True colors of entitlement showing there.

The only thing worse than an openly unrepentant WS is one who only CLAIMS to be. It's crazymaking.

[This message edited by trebleclef at 2:01 PM, April 7th (Sunday)]


True remorse isn't followed by a "but".

Posts: 1809 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: Alberta
permanentpain
♀ Member
Member # 38312
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, April 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine cried and pleaded but kept on doing the same things. Just yesterday he told me he blamed himself for his actions, but this was coming because I took him for granted... Really? Huh... In his eyes, I deserved it.


Me: 32 y/o, student and mom of two of the best kids in the world
Him: 33 y/o scumbag
Divorcing
Feels good to start laughing and feeling better again...

Posts: 270 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Island
Housefulloflove
♀ Member
Member # 38458
Default  Posted: 10:50 PM, April 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No remorse here. I got an "I apologize for hurting you" over a text. But since then I've also received a text and phone calls blaming me for our marriage ending so probably NOT a sign of remorse. :lol: He has yet to even say the word "affair" or "cheated" or any other verbal acknowledgement of his actions. It's as if his brain cannot process any of his own actions and all it registered was my anger that was totally unjustified in his opinion.

I've got my theories (Passive-Aggressive Personality Disorder, Covert Narcissism) but what I have been able to confirm is that his brand of mental illness does not appear to be capable of empathy or remorse. So it seems that in my WH's case, the remorseful and empathetic stage has yet to appear because he is incapable of truly feeling any of that and has yet to feel the need to pretend.


Me-29 Starting over
ExWH-29 Probable NPD, PA, manchild
3 beautiful young children
DDay 1/20/13 Admits PA
No remorse so NO R. DIVORCED! 9/2013

Posts: 541 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
josie11
♀ Member
Member # 31648
Default  Posted: 10:50 PM, April 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I bring up things like him using our joint acct to book a hotel room he just chuckles and says "yeah, that was stupid". He acknowledges that doing everything behind my back wasn't right but he's just not sorry. He doesn't show guilt or remorse or have any interest in fixing things.

Mine just walked away too, as if spending half our lives together meant nothing. He never said he was sorry about anything or showed any remorse.

It cut me deep to observe that our lives together, and our preteen children who were so vulnerable to damage, meant nothing to him compared to some trash that he "fell in love with" on the Internet. It truly seemed that as soon as he transferred his affection to another woman--one he hadn't even met yet--all feeling for me just died. His eyes were dead and cold when he looked at me. It was obvious that I was just a hindrance to be gotten rid of.

Our children are clearly damaged by his actions. He never explained or apologized to them, except to introduce a new OW to them as their "new stepmother" two weeks after he left our home. The divorce wasn't final until over a year later.

They've lost their respect for him and have told me, in confidence, that they think of him now as a person who makes bad choices. They also hate their stepmother, and avoid visiting their father if at all possible (it's four years now since he left, and they are teenagers who have minds of their own about where they will spend the weekend). Their father doesn't seem to care.

The children are struggling in school and in life. It breaks my heart to see them. Nothing I do seems to help.

[This message edited by josie11 at 10:52 PM, April 7th (Sunday)]


BS: me
XWH: Dead to me, after spending half our lives together
2 teenagers
"I get it now; I didn't get it then. That life is about losing and about doing it as gracefully as possible... and enjoying everything in between."-Mia Farrow

Posts: 395 | Registered: Mar 2011
ruinedandbroken
♀ Member
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 10:57 PM, April 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My XH wasn't and hasn't been remorseful in the least. He never begged for forgiveness, groveled, etc. As soon as I found out about OW he left me and has never looked back.


“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 6&9
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1575 | Registered: Aug 2010
Topic Posts: 53
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