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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Did anyone have a spouse who wasn't really sorry?
solus sto
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Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, April 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not a smidge of remorse, regret, or empathy.

He's really not capable of forming these things.

BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8888 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
♀ Member
Member # 33539
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, April 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was thinking about this recently and realized that it took 2 whole days before even getting a half hearted apology from him. before the apology, I got "It's a shame that it took this to show you who you are". Really? His cheating, lying, stealing from me and the kids and bringing his ho to babysit our kids showed me who I am?

He wasn't sorry becuase he thought that I wouldn't really put him out and he really wouldn't have to do the REAL work and I wasn't going to see through all of his words and no actions. He didn't realize that once that glass of trust is shattered, even if you can put it back together in reconciliation, you are never the same person that goes in, you will NEVER trust them the same way again.

At 20 months out he acts so angry like I am the one who did the deed. How dare I kick him out when he continued to cheat and had a joint bank account with OW! I am the horrible one and he is the poor, poor victim!!

What I have now realized is that he can only be the victim for so long in everyone's eyes. At some point someone is going to say "But haven't you been divorced for X years now? Man up!!"

Little bit of a a t/j there, but the real answer is sorry he got caught, hell yeah! Real remorse, empathy...he wouldn't know what it was if it shot him in the forehead!

S, Filed 4/17/14--YAY, ME!!

Posts: 515 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: New York
♂ Member
Member # 36726
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, April 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She's not sorry she got caught, she's not sorry she did it, she's not sorry she hurt her kids, she's not sorry she hurt me, not sorry she hurt her family/her parents. She walked away with her 50% payday. She brings the OM to kids events and they just sit there all smug showing off. She won't be sorry until things cave in. Then she'll be a sorry sack of shit.

BH me 46
WW her 38
DDay 8-17-12
2 kids (12, 9)
Filed for D 9/14/12
Divorced 4/17/13
She - engaged 5/13 married 9/13

Posts: 584 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: PA
♀ Member
Member # 36152
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, April 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine was really really remorseful ...or so it seemed

But I didn't know 1/2 of the truth. He said all the right things and some of his actions even seemed to be going in the right direction.

But ..... once I found the evidence of the truth, he gave up on even pretending to be remorseful. Which was a huge shock to me. If anyone would have asked me what he would do if we ever found ourselves in this predicament, I would have predicted him bending over backward to fix what he broke.

He didn't. He gave up. He walked away.

And it hurts.

BS Me 38
WH Him 39
Married 12 years
DS1 7 yrs, DS2 1 yr

DD1 Sep 2011 all a lie
DD2 Jun 2012 found his secret email
3 Confirmed EA/PA over span of 2.5 yrs
Still with OW#3 - 23rd old gold digger
At least 3 visits to Prostitutes
Status: D

Posts: 69 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Overseas
♀ Member
Member # 33679
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, April 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nope, mine didn't show any remorse then or now.

Because remember, I'm the one who ruined his life and made everything so miserable for him.

I waited and waited and waited for his grovelling/remorseful/I love you so much attitude, but after 5 years, all I got was "you are a fucking prude bitch" and a "goddamn tramp".

It took me a long while to get over that I wasn't worth the effort to try and save the marriage. I truly did love him and wanted our marriage to work out.

In the end, we were oil and water and NOTHING could have ever made us work out.

Divorced 05/11/11 -
2kids - 20 and 22 (Thank God for them)

Too many Ddays to count. Enough said!

Posts: 693 | Registered: Oct 2011
♂ Member
Member # 31656
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, April 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry? No. I never saw any real remorse. I never even got the whole, honest truth. She claimed that she cried. I reminded her that crying about her OM doesn't count. She put in no effort towards fixing what she broke. She read no books or articles on infidelity. She wasn't sorry for our children. She felt no empathy for the OM's wife or his children. She was only sorry she got caught. She acted arrogant and selfish when confronted with piles of evidence. She even said at one point " I don't want a divorce but I'm not going to kiss your ass!" It was all about her happiness. She said she wasn't happy...couldn't tell me why, so she destroyed everyone around her in her quest for what she thinks she is missing in her life. She also knew she would be financially rewarded by the courts for her cheating. She wanted her cake and wanted to eat it too. Well, the cake was the financial security from me and the freedom to screw whoever she wanted. Divorce was tailor made for her new selfishness.

Me -BH 48
Her-WW 40
D Day #1 9/09 (found out about friendship, she promised NC...she lied)
D day #2 1/11 (found out EA on going...she lied)
D day #3 4/11 (found out EA was a PA...still lying)
M 16 years, 3 kids
Divorced - 1/13

Posts: 106 | Registered: Mar 2011
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Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, April 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Remorse is key to R. Kind of a chain reaction, IMHO:

Sadly, since divorce was filed 3/26/2013, don't hold your breath on an apology. You're going to have take charge of your own healing. (It's possible, that's what I did)

The book "How Can I Forgive You?: The Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To" by Janis A. Spring offered offers step-by-step, concrete instructions that help us make peace with others and with ourselves, while answering such crucial questions as these:

*How do I forgive someone who is unremorseful or dead?
*When is forgiveness cheap?
*What is wrong with refusing to forgive?
*How can the offender earn forgiveness?
*How do we forgive ourselves for hurting another human being?

"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
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Member # 19934
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, April 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh Poo - Was I supposed to ask?

I took sage advice I got here, and spent long hard year looking at my life. I made the decision to D.

Me & the kids are having the malignancy removed.

If I went to Hogwarts, my Patronus would be my Big Sister - GWADW

Posts: 4123 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Where I want to be, on the road to the future
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Member # 38681
Default  Posted: 12:39 AM, April 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have contributed to this thread already but just remembered something.
I know D is war.
During the financial negotiations etc, FIL came up with some virtual fake expenses to extort more cash.
My father blew that claim and said it was not necessary to lie and that my father had all the receipts.
FIL was ready to argue and FWW intervened saying the most unbelievable thing:
"It's ok, no need to stoop down to their level."

True gutter class!

Really sorry? Not even close.

[This message edited by Happydays at 12:40 AM, April 10th (Wednesday)]

BH 33
FWW 32
DS: 3 year old.
Dday 10/14/2012
No remorse so:
Divorced 02/15/2013. No alimony, no CS, got apartment. Won all battles and mind games off the courts.

Posts: 294 | Registered: Mar 2013
♀ Member
Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 12:52 AM, April 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FT sorry ? Hell no !
He didn't want to be married to me any longer so there was no remorse from him. The grass was greener on the other side for him.
I'm so glad he didn't even try to fake it.

It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. That is priceless.

Posts: 20384 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Closer to where I want to be..
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Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 12:59 AM, April 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, since she "only married you to get child support" I'm thinking she wasn't sorry until I got custody. Didn't believe her after that.

BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 3031 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
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Member # 38424
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, April 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

'But I thought the caught spouse was supposed to cry & grovel & beg forgiveness & say they'd do anything to fix it'.

I hear you completely. My XWS is the exactly the same. He has not once tried to fight for us. Weirdly, my brother, who sees the best in everyone, took my XWS for a drink the other night. He commented about how shocked he was as my XWS seemed so cold and with his head up his ass. My brother thought that my XWS was on a power trip from being promoted so much at work. Well that's about all he has left now as he constantly put his job and the OW before me and his kids.
Good luck with your D and keep strong. :)

Posts: 459 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: uk
♂ New Member
Member # 38599
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, April 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She said she wasn't happy...couldn't tell me why, so she destroyed everyone around her in her quest for what she thinks she is missing in her life.

Holy crap, have you been living my life too???
Got exactly the same response. Somehow though, it was my duty to figure out why she wasn't happy and fix it. I guess I should have just "felt it!"
No remorse, she had already justified it in her mind long before I was told.

Me: BH 41 {} Her: WW 42
Married: 17-1/2 years
PAs&EAs July 2012 - ???
D-Days 2/16/13 & 3/4/13
I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now on I can't believe you. - Nietzsche

Posts: 50 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: NorthEast USA
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