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Newest Member: Devestatedbeyond (44583)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: What did you wish you should have done when you jfo?
pendant
♀ Member
Member # 32890
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, April 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I simply hate that there are so many in raw pain at this time. So I want to propose that we help newbies to the forum, in the hope that they have a crutch/help/reason to smile.Add any advice to help on the slow weekends...
1. I wish that I knew what TT was-- and not believe both when they said that they were "just friends"
2. I wish I knew that when he said it only "happened twice" it was code for "we did it more than twice a week"
3. I wish I installed a key logger and changed the password
4. I wish I knew that the phone bill should be checked regularly


"Once forgiving begins, dreams can be rebuilt. When forgiving is complete, meaning has been extracted from the worst of experiences and used to create a new set of moral rules and a new interpretation of life's events."

Posts: 423 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: North Carolina
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, April 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish I had found SI early on.

I wish I had trusted my gut.When you think they are full of shit....they are.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3789 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
LadyQ
♀ Member
Member # 32847
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, April 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish that I had insisted that he get IC before we went to MC.

I wish that I had not "required" him to go to IC.

Maybe if I had given him the opportunity to choose what he wanted rather than force my will, he might have chosen differently.

I wish I would have listened to my gut and not ignored any of the red flags.


Tune out the noise of what others tell you about who you are and work it out for yourself...

Posts: 1650 | Registered: Jul 2011
daledge
♀ Member
Member # 38886
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, April 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish I had trusted my instincts instead of him!

Posts: 106 | Registered: Apr 2013
stillcrying4ever
♀ Member
Member # 38310
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, April 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The biggest thing is I wish I have found SI sooner also and next I wish I wouldn' t have believed him when he said it was over. It took 7 more months before there was NC.


D Day May 27, 2012



Posts: 186 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
daledge
♀ Member
Member # 38886
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, April 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you don't know where you stand with someone, maybe it's time to stop standing and start walking!

Posts: 106 | Registered: Apr 2013
HardenMyHeart
♂ Member
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, April 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish I would have had more patience with myself and realize I needed to give myself the precious gift of time to heal.

Early after d-day, my world felt like it was falling part. Everything seemed so frantic; I was constantly in a state of panic. I believed I had to immediately fix everything at once. In hindsight, I now see things didn't have to be that way. I was my own worst enemy by creating my own anxiety and stress.

When it comes to healing from infidelity, patience is your friend and anger is poison.


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 30 years, Reconciled

Posts: 5631 | Registered: Aug 2007
roughroadahead
♀ Member
Member # 36060
Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, April 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish I would have left immediately and filed for divorce.


BS-Me 30s
WS-Him 30s
D-Day 4/2012 (Insisted EA only)
D-Day 5/2012 (Did I say EA? Ummm..)
Numerous other TT/broken NC d-days until S 1/2013. D settled 11/2013
MOW-coworker, 40s.
2 DS and DD all w/autism

Posts: 725 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: USA
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, April 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish I had asked him to leave. Immediately. The first time boundaries were crossed.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8489 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, April 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish I had understood at the time that its about power and the BS who is mentally strong enough to make critical, if unpleasant decisions, will probably dictate the outcome of this crisis.

Being weepy, needy and desperate hands control to the WS, which tends not to be good for the devastated BS.


Posts: 1704 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
HurtsButImOK
♀ Member
Member # 38865
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, April 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish I had not wanted to try and reconcile in the first few days of JFO. I realise now it was driven by ego at not losing such a "prize" .

It just gave him huge ego kibbles.

I also somewhat wish I didnt take the high road and act with such decency during the breakup. I know ultimately it was the best course for me but part of me wishes I had just been a bitch.


Me: Awesome - 35

"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou

"When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be". –


Posts: 722 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Australia
Luvlyla
♀ Member
Member # 38692
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, April 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is a great idea!

1. i wish i called out ALL the lies there and then - if it doesnt add up, HE'S NOT TELLING THE TRUTH.

2. I wish i had trusted my gut.

3. i wish i had been prepared to loose him. instead of clinging onto someone who was cheating. (he has since said if i had left him sooner he probably would have ended it sooner).

4. I wish i had the strength to know that its perfectly OK to lay out your boundaries and expect your partner to respect them - not negotiate with them.

5. when it was clear he wasn't going to respect my boundaries, I wish i had known what the 180 was and applied it two years ago, immediately. Here is the 180 for Newbies.

(http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11)



When he's your Romeo,
and you're not his Juliet,
it means you are Rosaline
- and you survive the play.

Posts: 202 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
Luvlyla
♀ Member
Member # 38692
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, April 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh and i wish i had understood and believed that an Affair is more about the WS, his/her wants and needs - not the BS or even the OW.

The BS is NOT the failure here.
The OW is NOT the prize.
The WS is living in a fantasy world during an affair. and They are the ones who failed.

If i had known this i could have spared myself two years of comparing myself to OW and feeling inadequate.

It also would have stopped me taking any of the blame he tried to pile on me as an excuse.


When he's your Romeo,
and you're not his Juliet,
it means you are Rosaline
- and you survive the play.

Posts: 202 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
isadora
♀ Member
Member # 29130
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, April 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish I wouldn't have tried to negotiate with him. I wish I would let go of the rope earlier. I wish I wouldn't have wasted time trying to fix me and instead focused on me and my healing.


Me: BW Him: WH
Married: 10 yrs
4 children: DDs 6&4; DSs 2& baby
2 Affairs - 2010 year long PA/EA, 2008 2 month online EA
Multiple D-Days

I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.


Posts: 4505 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Back home again in Indiana
sparklingwater
♀ Member
Member # 38792
Default  Posted: 6:13 PM, April 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is a great thread for us newbies, please keep posting.


Newly single and trying to find my feet.

There's always light at the end of the tunnel, just pray it's not a train.


Posts: 104 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Australia
leakingheart85
♂ Member
Member # 9710
Default  Posted: 6:26 PM, April 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish I had ignored my genuine love for her. The love died anyway and I was stuck.
In short I wish I had thrown her out and divorced her. What she did was not something I could forgive. It took me years to find that out.

Posts: 463 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From: Caribbean
mentalmess
♀ Member
Member # 31296
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, April 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I should have gotten tested for STDs immediately instead of believing him about using protection. I didn't go in until a week after d day.


Me BS 50
Him WS 48
OW 57 Boiling bunnies non stop for months!
M 25 years
LTA 5 years
DDay 1/5/2011
R'ed, very happy and we are enjoying his early retirement!

Posts: 83 | Registered: Feb 2011
mchercheur
♀ Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, April 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish I had not been such a softie.
I did kick him out when I found out, but I let him come over every day, whenever he wanted, & see the kids. He even ate dinner with us most nights. He just wasn't sleeping here.
That was a big mistake.

[This message edited by mchercheur at 7:02 PM, April 6th (Saturday)]


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1353 | Registered: Dec 2012
hobbeskat
♀ Member
Member # 38805
Default  Posted: 7:02 PM, April 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish my first response hadn't ben calm forgiveness. A storm came aoon after.

Posts: 308 | Registered: Mar 2013
jackie89
♀ Member
Member # 38271
Default  Posted: 7:09 PM, April 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish I looked on the internet for the word "Infidelity" - I kept looking up the word "betrayed" .....I would have found SI, and I would not been in the fog, denial, shock - that I was in for so long.

These good people would have helped me gather evidence, confront and end the Crazy Roller Coaster Ride!

Thank You SI


Separated/divorcing

"The Secret of Change is to focus all your energy - not on fighting the old, but on building the new" ~~Lori Greiner FB post~~


Posts: 464 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
Topic Posts: 63
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4

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