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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: What did you wish you should have done when you jfo?
fallingquickly
♀ Member
Member # 36599
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, April 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish I had not confronted him right away when I found out I had an STD. I wish I had investigated instead. I would have found out a great deal as he was not really hiding yet.

I wish before I found out about the STD I would have trusted my instincts. I knew there were many things that didn't make sense. I always asked about them instead of investigating. He lied.

I wish I had relied on myself instead of him. I can trust me.


Me-BW 50
Him-STBXWH

2 Ddays and lots of TT
divorcing

Scars remind us where we've been. They don't have to dictate where we're going. (Criminal Minds)

I saw him, I could not unsee him. -StrongButBroken


Posts: 453 | Registered: Aug 2012
still-living
♂ Member
Member # 30434
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, April 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish I would have trusted my gut.


BH(me)47
WW 47 FOO Issues
DDay 11/09 Coworker
High School Sweethearts
Married 06/91
8 months TT
Sons 19 and 14

My dog farted, startled himself, wondered where the noise came from. I wish my life was as simple.


Posts: 686 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Ches
tryingagain74
♀ Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, April 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish that I would have suppressed my emotions and gone into full-blown investigative mode. I'm not too shabby at researching-- I can only imagine what I could have been able to accomplish if I hadn't freaked out and immediately confronted him.


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3537 | Registered: Oct 2011
simplydevastated
♀ Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 8:05 PM, April 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great thread!

I wish I tossed him out after I confronted him. In the beginning he looked remorseful. Maybe if I did that he would have seen things differently and tried to work on us. Instead, I was a pathetic, hysterical mess and now he's nasty. Now, all I want I want is a divorce.

I wish I had found SI earlier. Instead, I found it just I've a year after my first Dday.

Who knows if things would've been different.

I would like to offer all the new members big (((HUGS))) We are all here to help. You will get through this. I have faith in you.


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5829 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 8:13 PM, April 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish that I would have suppressed my emotions and gone into full-blown investigative mode. I'm not too shabby at researching-- I can only imagine what I could have been able to accomplish if I hadn't freaked out and immediately confronted him.

Yeah, this. I was naive, it's that simple. I trusted her too much, and the evidence I had was bad, but holy shit was it a lot worse than I thought initially. I should have kept cool and went full on investigative mode, packet sniffer, keylogger, var, hidden camera, everything. But I panicked and confronted too quick - gave her time to delete all the secret e-mail accounts and most of the evidence. I wish I hadn't trusted her.


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3753 | Registered: Dec 2011
Happydays
♂ Member
Member # 38681
Default  Posted: 8:25 PM, April 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish I was a citizen of Saudi Arabia when I just found out.


BH 33
FWW 32
DS: 3 year old.
Dday 10/14/2012
No remorse so:
Divorced 02/15/2013. No alimony, no CS, got apartment. Won all battles and mind games off the courts.

Posts: 294 | Registered: Mar 2013
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 9:37 PM, April 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honestly, I wish I had gotten a divorce right away. There's no rule you can't reconcile after a divorce. I doubt we would have ... I guess you live with doubt either way. If you divorce -- could we have made it work for the kids? If you don't -- would I have been better off?

It's just, forgiveness is a pretty tall order for your average human being. If it was such a huge deal for God, how can I manage it? I do what I can, but as the wise Lady Gaga and Beyonce said: "trust is like a mirror, you can fix it if it's broken, but you can still see the crack in that M*f'ers reflection."


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
Housefulloflove
♀ Member
Member # 38458
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, April 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"What did you wish you should have done when you jfo?"

I should have packed his crap and told him to get out and immediately went NC!

However...if I did that, I might not know what kind of heartless narcissist I am dealing with. I guess I had to go through all of the in-your-face disgusting behavior to really understand that I was dealing with someone with ZERO empathy, remorse and no willingness to change.


Me-29 Starting over
ExWH-29 Probable NPD, PA, manchild
3 beautiful young children
DDay 1/20/13 Admits PA
No remorse so NO R. DIVORCED! 9/2013

Posts: 541 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
MammaMia
♀ Member
Member # 34030
Default  Posted: 9:57 PM, April 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1) I wish I had found SI or some other site online right away.

2) I wish I had kicked her a$$ out of my house when she allegedly came over to surprise H for his birthday

3) I wish I had told her flat out that the party was over ( we DID have a party) and she needed to leave right there and then.

4) I wish I knew there was something called 180 and not have been too forgiving

5) I wish I had compiled a list of my boundaries for him to sign.

The second time he befriended a new lady, as soon as I saw the first eyebrow-raising line, I confronted, wrote up a list of boundaries, started doing the 180 and HE is the one now to do the work to win me back. Period.


And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive.But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.”

Posts: 844 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Somewhere in the South
Williesmom
♀ Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, April 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish I had nipped it in the bud when I thought that it was merely an inappropriate friendship. I wish I had thrown him out and divorced him on D-Day #1.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7430 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
Holly-Isis
♀ Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, April 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1) that I didn't beg for love. He had a choice- in the M or out. If he didn't want me, I didn't need him.

2) that I consulted a lawyer sooner. He had me so scared about custody.

3) I wish I had filed for D, maybe even D and made him earn his way back into M instead of living in limbo.

4) nothing I could've really done, but I wish I had one IRL friend I could've poured my heart out to. Just one person I knew I could call with my confusion and pain at any time.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

❣I hope my issues don't discourage ur healing. I've buried a lot & my WH hasn't done his part in R❣


Posts: 10992 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Limbo
Dawn58
♀ Member
Member # 37656
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, April 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am only four months out from Dday, so here is what I wish for -that I could stop feeling that it was somehow my fault and that she had something that I don't have. Still struggle with that.

Wish I would have listened to my gut and refused to sign the temporary stipulation because it has come back to bite me in the butt. If something doesn't feel right that your attorney asks you to sign and the explanation of why you should sign it, doesn't sit well with you, don't sign. Glad I found a different attorney now.


I got into the marriage, because I loved him. I got out of the marriage, because I love me.

Posts: 465 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Southern California
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, April 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2. I wish I knew that when he said it only "happened twice" it was code for "we did it more than twice a week"

THAT'S WHAT MINE SAID
And she still sticking to it
It was a 24 day affair
What do you think the real number was?
Numerous calls every day and texts
I'm betting between 10-12
His place was on her way to work and they worked at the same place
I read somewhere that once full on PA's start they have sex every day for the first week if they can.

[This message edited by Betrayed444 at 11:59 AM, April 7th (Sunday)]


Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
RightTrack
♀ Member
Member # 36976
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, April 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish I had gone through his email and texts before he erased them all. I would have printed them and made a file. I wish I'd known how easy it it to get information from cell phone records. I wish I had waited for him to respond to her desperate email to reconcile, I would have liked to have known where their relationship was going.

Posts: 607 | Registered: Sep 2012
summerain
♀ Member
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 7:17 PM, April 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

On dday 1: should of ran into the bathroom with the laptop and close the door.

There was no lock
Dday 2 : pretty proud of how I handled that.

But I did the worse things softer dday2: did not know about archives so I destroyed his Facebook. I didn't check his phone logs to get a history. And I had the worst mc.

Haha a lot to regret.

[This message edited by lauren123 at 7:18 PM, April 7th (Sunday)]


OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
keptmyword
♂ Member
Member # 35526
Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, April 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish that I would have immediately filed for, aggressively pursued, and completed divorcing her.


I Divorced Her.

Posts: 355 | Registered: May 2012
rarepearl7
♀ Member
Member # 27672
Default  Posted: 7:58 PM, April 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish I had not believed in fairy tales

I wish I would have left on D Day and never looked back


Posts: 200 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
moonview
♀ New Member
Member # 37203
Default  Posted: 8:03 PM, April 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I truly wish I had respected myself more.

I accepted far too many "crumbs" thrown at me.

[This message edited by moonview at 8:03 PM, April 7th (Sunday)]


"Barn's burnt down… now I can see the moon."
(Masahide, Japanese poet, 1657? – 1723)


Posts: 13 | Registered: Oct 2012
rcantbleveit
♀ Member
Member # 30476
Default  Posted: 8:13 PM, April 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish I had found SI sooner
I wish I had taken the time to get my thoughts together and formulate a plan prior to confronting him.
I wish I had outed their affair to OW's family & friends.
I wish I had held onto NC instead of trying so hard to save our marriage.

Posts: 227 | Registered: Dec 2010
homewrecked2011
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 8:26 PM, April 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish I had realized he was screwing my friend, I could have so busted them early on.

I wish I knew how to use the phone he was using,,, I'm sure there were texts I could have looked at at night when he was sleeping.

I wish I could have kept my cool, put a VAR in my house so that when they were in my house I would have it recorded because his family STILL doesn't believe me.

I AM glad I read the book Love Must Be Tough by Dr. James Dobson. He 100% agrees the 180 is the ONLY way to wake these people up... that they have crossed the line of respect many many times with us and our good nature lets them get away with it.

I wish I would have taken his clothes and dumped them on HER front porch and said YOU CAN HAVE HIM!!!!


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 1969 | Registered: Jan 2012
Topic Posts: 63
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