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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I've been robbed......
GrievingMommy
♀ Member
Member # 28127
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, April 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Now it's not THAT type of robbed, but yes I've been robbed. My 'new beginning' isn't helping.

I've been trying to figure out why I'm so damn lonely. Yes, friends are few and those I have are always busy with their SO's/husbands and children, but I knew there was more. I finally figured it out today. I don't have family to comfort me and just fill the void of feeling down/needing support.

Well, I do but in the name of religion (I was 'kicked out' of my religion of birth at 22 y/o), they don't speak to me nor are allowed to be around me. My older brother by two years, lives literally 15 minutes from me, and he's spoken to me maybe five times in the last 12 years. Most of those were at my G'Ma's funeral two years ago. My younger brother that is not of the religion does speak to me and see me, but he's in AZ and I'm in MN so we don't see each other much (maybe once/year).

Thankfully my parents choose to still speak to me. Having their only grandchildren facilitates that of course. But they aren't allowed to be seen in public with me or even hang out with them or have dinner with them. And they don't celebrate holidays so it's just me and my kids celebrating the holidays by ourselves. Yea, not that festive.

Put another way: since I was 22 y/o I haven't been able to do any mother-daughter things. No shopping together, lunches, etc. I feel the loss terribly. My parents are such sweet and loving people who are so caught up in their beliefs. They keep trying to get me to go back to it sicne I keep getting shit on in life (WXH, and now xBF).

I'm going to really try and make a point of meeting new people and trying to broaden my network but it's been a struggle for years. Now add in that I'm single again after a year and a half = really sucks.

The rest of our family fell apart after my Gma died.

I'm tired of feeling sad and lonely and like I'm missing out on friends and more importantly, my family.

I really don't think anyone would really even notice if I disappeared (I can go days with no texts/communication).

[This message edited by GrievingMommy at 9:44 PM, April 6th (Saturday)]


Me - Now 35 y/o
WXH: Now 45 y/o and 18+ hrs away -NPD asshole now onto wife #3.
My sweeties: 5 yr old B/G twins. 90% custody (or more) since 14 months old.
D-Day 4/4/10 PA('s?) & EA's - D'd 7/11

Posts: 1687 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Upper Midwest
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 9:11 PM, April 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

GM

WE would notice if you disappeared.. I notice anyway.

I have a goal to smile at someone I do not know each day. To talk to someone I do not know (well) once a week... invite someone to something.. once a month.

The exercise goal is to get me interacting with people in real life. I spend sooo much time on my computer that meeting people really can cause me anxiety. Going out of my way is a lesson in anxiety control for me. Each time gets easier, but....it isn't easy.

And I am to do this in person... not online...that doesn't count in this little exercise.

This is helping me... one small step at a time.

And I may not post to your threads, I look for you. and I would miss your posts...

Hugs,

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4021 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
GrievingMommy
♀ Member
Member # 28127
Default  Posted: 9:47 PM, April 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Kajem for replying. Those are great ideas to try and reach out and keep connected to people!

I'm just feeling so down.

(I have no idea if this should be left here or OT?)

[This message edited by GrievingMommy at 9:47 PM, April 6th (Saturday)]


Me - Now 35 y/o
WXH: Now 45 y/o and 18+ hrs away -NPD asshole now onto wife #3.
My sweeties: 5 yr old B/G twins. 90% custody (or more) since 14 months old.
D-Day 4/4/10 PA('s?) & EA's - D'd 7/11

Posts: 1687 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Upper Midwest
tesla
♀ Member
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 10:26 PM, April 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((GrievingMommy)))))

I hear you on feeling isolated. It's hard to reach out and try to get connected to people IRL. I actually went back to IC for a few sessions to talk out some of my fears and inhibitions of socializing.

I'm very close to asking a coworker if she wants to hang out some evening and have a beer. It's just hard to feel comfortable and trust people. And I would imagine with what happened with your family, that makes it even more difficult for you!

But know this, those kiddos of yours think holidays are festive...because they get to celebrate them and do special things with mom. And what you do with them in their childhood they will pass on as adults.


ish kabibble

Posts: 4198 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 10:44 PM, April 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((GrievingMommy)))))


For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot

Posts: 14698 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 10:45 PM, April 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((HUGS))))

The worship leader at my church is in a similar situation. Divorced, has kids, his family normally will not socialize with him due to religious differences. It hurts him so much.

He's working hard to make an entirely new kind of family. Sounds like you're needing to do the same thing.

I'm doing it too, although at least my family hasn't rejected me due to religious differences.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8778 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 7:32 AM, April 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think isolation is a part of the divorce fallout. You have a compounded problem with your family.

I have a very small family (just my Mom and sister left) and although they are a little over an hour away, I may hear/see from them once a month. We just aren't close. It bothers me, but...well, it is what it is.

I can go a day or two sometimes without another adult interaction at all. Kids and dog, that is it. Since I am a natural introvert, I have to force myself to leave the house, and interact with other people. Make dates with my friends...coffee, dinner, playdates, etc.

Hang in there!


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, separated 3 years, together 17
Alis volat propriis "She flies with her own wings"
separated 1/2011

Posts: 3608 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Virginia
Luvlyla
♀ Member
Member # 38692
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, April 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((GM))))


When he's your Romeo,
and you're not his Juliet,
it means you are Rosaline
- and you survive the play.

Posts: 202 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
Newlease
♀ Member
Member # 7767
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, April 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My parents are deceased and I have one sister who lives close and another who lives far away.

But I have developed another family through a charity organization that I belong to. They are the BEST! I could call any of them in the middle of the night and they would come running.

You can belong to a family of your own choosing. Try doing some charity work, join a gym, other parents, - you can do it!

NL


Even if you can't control the world around you, you are still the master of your own soul.

Posts: 7557 | Registered: Aug 2005
cissi
♀ Member
Member # 21737
Default  Posted: 5:14 PM, April 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you have time to get involved in a local nursing home or even an assisted living place? I used to work with a bunch of elderly folks and every single one of them became like family to me. Perhaps you can find a special elderly woman to fill the void you have with your mother? I always tell my daughter, who is an only child, that we make our family in this life.

Good luck to you. I think it's just horrible that this was done to you, all in the name of religion.


Posts: 1318 | Registered: Nov 2008
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 8:59 PM, April 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((GM)))I'm so sorry for the loss of your family. I understand the isolation feeling. My WS moved me 45 minutes away from my nearest family member into a rural location with no one that I knew around. It took me a few years to make friends and become a part of the community, but I worked very hard to make a new family and be able to feel connected here. It does take hard work and reaching out.

Becoming involved in my community helped me get to know people in my area and I made some very good friends here.

Family doesn't have to be blood relatives. Family are the ones that care about you, the ones that call to make sure you are okay, the ones that love you FOR your quirks and regardless of your religion/age/culture/race/sexual identity.

One thing I've learned in my NB is that you are never too old to make new family members, and sometimes you can find them in the most amazing places.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14912 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
cayc
♀ Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 10:16 PM, April 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can definitely understand how you are feeling/relate to the isolation and obvious feeling of lack of support.

I don't have children and have no immediate family to speak of. I truly am "by myself" with no one but friends to turn to. Friends who do not live where I do so it's not like I can go meet them somewhere.

And it makes it hard too because I often feel let down by my friends since I need them so much and in ways I know they don't understand b/c they have families. So I struggle with being lonely, trying to express it appropriately and not be so needy that I scare off the few people I do have in my life.

(((grievingmommy)))


BS 45, WH 38
M 8 years, together 10
Real DDay 10/07/11
Too many OW to count.
D final on 6/21/12
You have to walk away from the past in slow motion as it explodes behind you, like in a John Woo movie.

Posts: 2790 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
better4me
♀ Member
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, April 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((GM))) I struggle with isolating myself and loneliness too. I too am trying to broaden my network and find ways of not being lonely even when I am alone. It is difficult and one of the suckiest things to come out of the divorce...having someone to "do things" with was one of my favorite parts of being married...and even though there are at least 350 things I didn't like about being married to him...that one thing is difficult to replace.


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52
Divorced

Posts: 2825 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, April 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((GM)))

Thru out my divorce (my kiddos were older than yours) I would trade off sitting with other mom's. Not always single moms either. I would watch their kids one night, and they would watch mine. A lot of time I didn't go anything with anyone. I did go and test drive convertible cars for fun...and take myself to the beach - its my go to place for soul rejuvenation.

As a result of these arrangements I have created a village that helped me raise my kids. Not all the parents were my best friends, but they were people I trusted with my kids and they helped to instill and exemplify the ideals I wanted my kids exposed to.

My kids as they have grown (3 now in college, 4th will be there in the fall) have benefitted from having these people in their lives. and so have I.

Hugs,

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4021 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
GrievingMommy
♀ Member
Member # 28127
Default  Posted: 9:22 PM, April 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for reaching out to me and replying. I LOVE this group! You've had a huge role in my suriving D-Day and now on to the rest of my NB.

I'll have to save this thread and keep rereading it.


Me - Now 35 y/o
WXH: Now 45 y/o and 18+ hrs away -NPD asshole now onto wife #3.
My sweeties: 5 yr old B/G twins. 90% custody (or more) since 14 months old.
D-Day 4/4/10 PA('s?) & EA's - D'd 7/11

Posts: 1687 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Upper Midwest
idkam
♀ Member
Member # 18375
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, April 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

GM- i believe i know what religion you are refferring too, if i'm wrng i apologize....i was apart of that same group since 1996 because my ex was one too...i have not been to any meeting in over 5 yrs so i'm considered "inactive not disfellowshipped".... Most of my friends were/ are in the same religion. so i had to make new friends....

I have reconnected with my family bc duting my marriage and afterwards i was so wrapped up in meeting snd assemblies i didnt have time for wordly things....i

I have to swy im more happier now than ever... I wish you lived closer so we could be friends in real life....

Hang in there it takes time to adjust to the "new single norm" again but guess what?? You will adjust and make new friends...

Take care


Make Everyday Count..
Divorced

Posts: 1722 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Texas
GrievingMommy
♀ Member
Member # 28127
Default  Posted: 9:57 PM, April 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

idkam, Yup your guess is correct. I'm glad you're happy now! Making friends is the tough part for me it seems.

It seems like few are near me. It's always nice to hang out with people who've been where we've been, ya know?


Me - Now 35 y/o
WXH: Now 45 y/o and 18+ hrs away -NPD asshole now onto wife #3.
My sweeties: 5 yr old B/G twins. 90% custody (or more) since 14 months old.
D-Day 4/4/10 PA('s?) & EA's - D'd 7/11

Posts: 1687 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Upper Midwest
Topic Posts: 17

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