Could your stbx be characterized as *controlling*?
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
After I detached from him and removed myself from his influence, those same feelings lingered. He would have the kids for the night at his place and I would be *free* to do as I pleased and go wherever I wanted to go, but I found that even then, I would get uncomfortable if I was out past a certain time or dawdling in a store for a while.
The good news is that I don't have those same feelings anymore. They've disappeared, much to my relief.
Does it feel as if that could be the link to what you're feeling?
I'll tell you... it's hard hitting the reset button after 15 years of loyalty on my end. Maybe you are experiencing that?
It's ok to laugh, to enjoy new things and new people. YOU get to drive the bus now and decide where to go and what to do and who to do it with because it's your life. Don't do something because someone else wanted you to. Do all things for yourself that make you happy. You deserve it!
I felt weird about it all the bloody time. I wouldn't call it guilt, I'd call it - just weird.
I've since removed my married coat and am only wearing my single coat (nothing underneath sometimes... ).
Its conditioning hun - and habit. It will pass. Like a new pair of shoes you need to break in. So to speak.
I verbalize a lot to myself when I start feeling guilty, reassure myself that I'm allowed to spend some money on me because I earned it, all the bills are paid, everybody is fed and clothed, so dammit, I'm going to enjoy it. I probably look like a crazy lady when I'm out shopping.
When I would ask if that made him upset, he would say no, go out. Sometimes I would still go out, at other times I would stay home so that I wouldn't upset him.
My XH was very controlling, though. In addition to pouting if I went out, he had complete control over my paycheck. He told me how to dress, what to read, what to wear, what to eat, etc.
When we first split up I used to get a sick thrill from doing things I was not allowed to do when I was with him.
I am a good guy and have never been into trouble.
I was totally embarrassed about my situation.
The more I read and studied about infidelity and divorce, the more it became apparent that this is unfortunately all too common.
While we all could have done some things different in our marriages, it was our X's that were broken enough to have an affair.
Once I got my divorce decree done, I went out and bought myself a new golf cart to replace the oldest one at the club I belong to.
My friends all were happy for me. I do quite well financially, but have always been a tightwad. A high percentage of my clothes come from Wal Mart.
Starting to date was really weird. I was not even interested in dating at all and then I found out my testosterone was super low.
I started taking Androgel and sure enough women were attractive again.
Saw a pic of a gal on the internet, reached out to her, and we have been dating ever since.
Dating is weird - especially in a small town. I have received lots of strange looks from people that likely don't know I am divorced. My daughter thinks I started dating too soon, but my son is OK and just met my SO this weekend.
Everyone has issues/problems. Life isn't perfect. Just lay it all out there and folks will appreciate your honesty and transparency.
I get lots of laughs on my Androgel story - and even bring it up on sales calls.
Customers think it is very funny.
I may have overdosed a bit on it since I was begging PHMH and Tesla to marry me! Had not met either one of them yet, but their running and intelligence is really attractive to me.
Purpose of this long winded message is to tell you that you have to move on and look forward. Don't feel guilty. You are still very young with a whole lot of life to look forward to.
Don't worry about what other people think but keep your kid's feelings in mind. Unless you are getting more serious or exclusive with someone, don't introduce them to your kids.
This will all get better soon.
I remember seeing your pic a while back and you are so beautiful. Your X surely knows that you would attract a lot of men out in public.
[This message edited by Bebba1171 at 2:27 PM, April 8th (Monday)]
I may have overdosed a bit on it since I was begging PHMH and Tesla to marry me!
I'm not dating yet, I feel its too soon and I'll probably end up a blubbering mess, lol... However, as I've read some of the posts here I definitely was controlled by my STBX. I am intent on moving forward so I have scheduled several things that I would have never done because he would disapprove:
1. Bruno Mars concert (bought the tickets, yay for me)
2. Paddleboarding (he's a surfer but never wanted to teach me) (to do list)
3. joining a workout group (always made me feel guilty about working out and leaving him at home). (done)
4. finding a dance academy (he hated the attention it brought) (in progress)
Bebba - thanks for the compliment , his loss and another's gain!
[This message edited by permanentpain at 4:52 PM, April 8th (Monday)]
My XWH was also very controlling, in a subtle way. He didn't have any friends and relied on me for his entertainment. He was bored if he were home alone, so he'd always lay guilt trips on me and try to get me not to do anything.
After we separated, I became a major social butterfly for a time, but now I've settled down into a more sustainable pattern.
I don't know that I felt guilt, as much as relief. I'm involved in several nonprofits, which means meetings, and I used to have to rush home to try to get dinner ready. The first few times post-separation, it was great -- I stayed and socialized after; I wasn't in a rush; I could make dinner whenever I got to it. Or eat cold cereal if I wanted to!
It did take some time getting used to, but now it's fabulous!
Don't be in a rush to start dating -- enjoy being single! (I'm currently taking a dating hiatus since I was resentful of the time it was taking from my friends, hobbies, and alone time. I figured that was a sign I should step away for a few months at least!) I know I'll find someone someday and I'll probably marry again, but for right now, I am just enjoying actually living instead of existing.
Married: 11 years, no kids
The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo
I know I'll find someone someday and I'll probably marry again, but for right now, I am just enjoying actually living instead of existing.
Love it! I don't know about marriage for myself, but the rest is spot on.
Here's the BEST example-- I should have known that our M was in trouble when this happened. Once again, he encouraged me to "take time for myself." So, I booked a couple of hours at a local spa for a facial and a pedicure. After I had the facial, I was feeling relaxed and was just about to get my pedicure when my phone rang. When I answered (because I feared it was an emergency-- maybe something was wrong with one of the kids), he actually asked me how much longer would I be gone?!?! I think I had been gone an hour at that point. I was so exasperated and then felt rushed and annoyed for the rest of the appointment. Even the woman doing my pedicure thought it was ridiculous.
Now, I don't feel guilt, though. I feel FREE. I love going to the mall, looking at my watch, and realizing that I can browse to my heart's content. He doesn't call my parents' house anymore, wondering when I'll be home when I visit, and I don't have to run through the grocery store as fast as I can maneuver the cart around people.
What you're feeling is FREEDOM, and it's foreign to you. Keep going out until you get used to it-- you deserve to enjoy it!
Not sure what that is about.
~~~~Finding my moxie~~~~
"May your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground"...FUN
Now, I don't really care. I'm only getting one chance at this life, and I'm not going to shortchange myself because of my idiot WXH's actions.
My Wxh was also very controlling, btw - perhaps that has more to it thanwhat I realized. hmmm.
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley