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Newest Member: Highlanderlady (45437)

Just Found Out     Print Topic    
User Topic: Wife left me for her new boss
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, May 15th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"If you genuinely love someone, you want them to be happy, even if that is to your detriment

wow, co-dependant much?

Yes, let the alcoholic drink as you ride in the car with them, help secure another credit card for shopping sprees once the other three are maxed out, ...

On the other hand, if something I own, one of my possesions, is broken and malfunctioning I will either fix it or trade it in on a new one.

Hang in there allatsea.


LTA FBS 54
dday 10.5.09
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4140 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
movingforward13
♀ Member
Member # 38405
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, May 15th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess she missed the memo that you don't cheat on those you love. So clearly, you both never loved each other and now are "even".

You, my kind Sir, need to stop viewing her Facebook page. You will not be moving on emotionally if you keep viewing it. Part of the 180 is keeping yourself from seeing them on the Internet. I have a hard time with it myself and yes, it is still early for you.... But you will forever remain mentally and emotionally engaged if you do not cut off all contact. Including viewing Internet pages. SO STOP IT!


Once a cheater, always a cheater happens when your cheater doesn't have remorse.
Regret is not remorse- know the difference!

Posts: 640 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: DC
sinsof thefather
♀ Member
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, May 15th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

....A nasty person who treats others as possessions will say and do anything to cause deliberate hurt to the person they purport to 'love'.That's not love. Here endeth today's lesson."

Jeesh. This just shows how far gone into self righteousness and delusion she really is. She seems to have totally missed that she's actually publicising her OWN nastiness and hypocrisy with this posting! It beggars belief that someone who has betrayed their partner in the heinous way that she has would post about causing 'deliberate hurt' to someone they're supposed to love. She's showing you exactly who she is allatsea - she'll do anything to get to you right now, so don't take the bait. You need to keep practising detaching and stop reading her facebook.


I hope you've got a good solicitor!


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1890 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
allatsea
♂ Member
Member # 38923
Default  Posted: 6:31 AM, May 16th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I sent her this just now. The children are concerning me with what they are saying. Our mutual friends and everybody here have motivated me to write this letter to WW

Dear WW
What I am about to write you will disregard. I know this but I still feel I have a responsibility to tell you. I am the last person you will want to hear this from but I still have an instinctive duty to want to protect you.

Several of our mutual friends and two medical professionals suggest that you are behaving in a concerning and uncharacteristic way. I am not saying this to bait you. I am not doing this with any motive. This is not a cunning way of deeming you unfit or anything sinister. Please believe me. I have never lied to you nor do I intend to start. If you weren’t the mother of my children I would not even bother to write.

When this shit storm was uncovered one of the first things you said was that you thought you ought to see a counsellor for yourself. I couldn’t agree more.

I know you better than anyone, you cannot deny it. Please see someone in confidence. Someone who specialises in communication issues, intimacy issues and relationships in general. You are not yourself. You do not know your own mind right now. Prove me wrong, if necessary, if that’s what motivates you.

I have no expectation that you will leave Dick. I have no expectation that you will ever apologise but I want you to be well for my children. They love you very much and they need their mum like she used to be.

I have suffered from depression. I have struggled with all of the pressures of everyday life. With your help and that of professionals, I fought it and came out stronger than ever. I can see the signs and so can all of OUR friends. Please, I implore you. Do something.


Love forever


The father of your children

[This message edited by allatsea at 6:45 AM, May 16th (Thursday)]


You can't fix crazy. All you can do is document it

Posts: 721 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 7:13 AM, May 16th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

allatsea,

She will agree with your letter about as much as you agreed with her recent FB update. I do not think that Dick is telling her she is mentally ill and needs help, and he is the one she is wanting to agree with and impress right now.

180

You cannot control her, even is you see a train-wreck coming.

Take care of you, take care of your kids. Where do you want to be 6 months from now? a year from now? Regardless of WW, even if she is still with Dick. What do you want your life to be like in 6 months? The same as now? If not, what changes can you start to make to move forward in YOUR life?

--Ats


LTA FBS 54
dday 10.5.09
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4140 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Shockleader
♂ Member
Member # 36827
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, May 16th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hate that you sent it, as I think it would have been better to have kept the letter for yourself as part of a journal, unsent. It will be turned against you at best, ignored, or the two cheaters will go over it mocking you, with her using it for more justification. Anytime I tried to use reason, especially reason with a medical twist, it was greeted with:

"I'm not your fucking science project."

Also, "love forever"? Never say love anywhere near this monster again. The letter is written with a "for the kids" sake premise, but reads to me like a lot of "for her" intent. Perhaps I am wrong, but that is how it reads to me, and if so I understand.

BTW, I have a similar experience. I and my DD both asked STBX to go visit a therapist, and she flatly told us she would not because basically nothing was wrong with her. You will NEVER convince her to go, ever.

Good luck.


D-Day spring 2012
Me BS 47
Xcheater 44
One DD 19
Married 23 years
Divorced 12/23/13 Fu*king A!

The cruel, the unkind, those without honor, feast on the tender heart...


Posts: 652 | Registered: Sep 2012
allatsea
♂ Member
Member # 38923
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, May 16th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ATS,
I know you are right. I know it. Writing the letter did not cause any hurt for me. She won't reply and I don't expect her to. I did not write it for me, or even for her. I did it for my two perfect little children who deserve better. I promised them that I would always have their best interests at heart, even to my detriment (to coin a certain recent phrase). I don't want her to do it for me. If even 5% of my letter sows a seed then I am satisfied. We all know that they are chemically altered and are protecting themselves from acknowledging their abhorrent actions but in their sub-concious I have to hope it goes in and sits somewhere for recognition later. If I don't do it, who will?She looked after me when I was mentally ill, shouldn't I do the same?


You can't fix crazy. All you can do is document it

Posts: 721 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
allatsea
♂ Member
Member # 38923
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, May 16th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will probably regret it. If they laugh at me then so be it. I promise to 180 from now.

I don't and can't love her like a husband. I love her purely due to the 19 years we have together. She is the mother of the children. I can't watch from the sidelines. She was such a good person. She's in there somewhere. She has to be.


You can't fix crazy. All you can do is document it

Posts: 721 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
Shockleader
♂ Member
Member # 36827
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, May 16th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will probably regret it. If they laugh at me then so be it. I promise to 180 from now.

I don't and can't love her like a husband. I love her purely due to the 19 years we have together. She is the mother of the children. I can't watch from the sidelines. She was such a good person. She's in there somewhere. She has to be.

I hear you, and used to feel the same; now, I don't love my STBX in any way, hell I don't even like her, dislike having to even be near her for anything (legal meetings, transfer of documents, etc), and will not make eye contact with her when we are in close proximity. Yes, she is the mother of your children, same as my STBX, but now that is noted as purely biological, and illicits no feeling of that loving togetherness once shared and relished.

I'm sure at one time sheWAS a good person, or one hell of an actor; now she is not, and that is the reality you must at some point deal with, fully grasp and understand. Same as she has to be; no she doesn't, and if so will have to move mountains to show you she is.

Again, best of luck in this extremely trying and painful situation.


D-Day spring 2012
Me BS 47
Xcheater 44
One DD 19
Married 23 years
Divorced 12/23/13 Fu*king A!

The cruel, the unkind, those without honor, feast on the tender heart...


Posts: 652 | Registered: Sep 2012
sinsof thefather
♀ Member
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, May 16th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

allatsea, look, if what you say here:

I did not write it for me, or even for her. I did it for my two perfect little children who deserve better.

and

She looked after me when I was mentally ill, shouldn't I do the same?

is true and the *whole* 'reason' you wrote - then OK - but you HAVE done it now and so your conscience can be clear.


However, I fear that the

Love forever

part at the end is something extra to what you've said your motives for writing were. It makes it seem a whole lot more about trying to reach your WW for other reasons that ultimately are going to only get you more hurt than you already are.


I know you are heartbroken and you can't turn off the love just like that - but allatsea, you have to start practicing detachment.


Please don't write to her again. If she is going to 'wake up' or 'come out of the fog' it will only happen once the drama stops and reality sets into her new life. Practice the 180 for your own sake. If you need to write to her - write in a journal or blog. Get you feelings out, but not to her.


Ats gave you good advice here,

Take care of you, take care of your kids. Where do you want to be 6 months from now? a year from now? Regardless of WW, even if she is still with Dick. What do you want your life to be like in 6 months? The same as now? If not, what changes can you start to make to move forward in YOUR life?


Start making your plans for you and your boys...and leave your WW to her own disaster in the making. If you feel that she is causing your sons upset you could always look into counseling for them to help them get through this. And please don't beat yourself up for sending the message, we all make mistakes, but DO leave it at that. You've said what you wanted to, so leave it at there now for your own sake.


We all know how hard it is and how much it hurts. (((allatsea)))

[This message edited by sinsof thefather at 8:56 AM, May 16th (Thursday)]


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1890 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
allatsea
♂ Member
Member # 38923
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, May 16th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for the 2x4. You're right, as always. I had a weak moment whilst at home looking after one of my poorly children.
Fortunately she didn't reply but she'll be here in 30 minutes to pick him up. It will be interesting to gauge her reaction.

Thanks folks


You can't fix crazy. All you can do is document it

Posts: 721 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
movingforward13
♀ Member
Member # 38405
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, May 16th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish you didn't send that. Please please please please, DETACH. Stop. No more. Even when you want to. No more. She is no where inside there. You know this even if you don't want to face this. This is the reality. She is with him and as long as you keep giving her fuel, she will stay with him. The fuel of their relationship will be your many tries to reason with her. They will laugh at you and bond over how you attempt to reason with her.

Stop it, please. Don't fuel their madness.

[This message edited by movingforward13 at 9:19 AM, May 16th (Thursday)]


Once a cheater, always a cheater happens when your cheater doesn't have remorse.
Regret is not remorse- know the difference!

Posts: 640 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: DC
circlingthedrain
♂ Member
Member # 25733
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, May 16th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for the 2x4. You're right, as always. I had a weak moment whilst at home looking after one of my poorly children.
Fortunately she didn't reply but she'll be here in 30 minutes to pick him up. It will be interesting to gauge her reaction.

You need to get to the point that you don't give a shit what her reaction is. The only possibility you have to save your marriage (given a WW without remorse)is to detach 100%. She may realize what she is losing maybe not.

Detach
Detach
Detach


BH (me), 53
FWW (Her) 55
DD18, DS15
D-Day 12/23/2007
R going well

Wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then --- Bob Seger


Posts: 326 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: East Coast
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, May 16th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It will be interesting to gauge her reaction.

allatsea,

No it won't. You do not care. Review her recent behavior and tell me why any reaction or opinion she has would be meaningful to you or "normal"? 180

Look her in the eye, business like transfer of the kids, no chit chat.


LTA FBS 54
dday 10.5.09
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4140 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
allatsea
♂ Member
Member # 38923
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, May 16th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Her response was not expected. She was guarded but reasonable. She even came in to see the newly painted room. I asked her if she had received the email to which she said yes. I told her I meant it. "Really?" She said. "How do you know I'm not already?" My instinct was to say "because if you were you wouldn't be acting so Fucking stupid right now" but I bit my lip.
The worry with IC is that she could have one that validates her actions and tells her that her feelings are genuine.


You can't fix crazy. All you can do is document it

Posts: 721 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, May 16th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The worry with IC is that she could have one that validates her actions and tells her that her feelings are genuine.

What we are trying to tell you is, Nope, not your concern at this point. Focus on the only thing you can control in this situation, and that is you.

Strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 3024 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
allatsea
♂ Member
Member # 38923
Default  Posted: 2:39 AM, May 20th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Today is the day that the official papers are petitioned. I've even given the WW the opportunity to have an eleventh hour re-think. No response from her which is par for the course when she doesn't like to have to think about what she's doing.

I am being totally fair with regard to splitting of assets, I am trying to be the most involved father I can be (so many men walk away from their responsibility) and she still tries to find fault. Most recently she thinks that the spread sheet I filled in for dividing the assets is not complete. "No problem" I say, "Tell me what you think is missing and I will add it". No response (there is nothing missing unless you want to go down to a level of detail such as counting toilet rolls and loaves of bread)

I've offered olive branches and been hit over the head with 2x4 on this forum by giving her opportunity to stop digging her own grave. This has hurt me and increased my time to heal. Still she persists.

All I know is that I can hold my head high and truthfully tell my children when they are older that I fought as hard as I could, and then some more, at the expense of my emotional well being, to hold our little family together. I can be proud of my behaviour.

Time to move on.

[This message edited by allatsea at 3:04 AM, May 20th (Monday)]


You can't fix crazy. All you can do is document it

Posts: 721 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
allatsea
♂ Member
Member # 38923
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, May 20th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have always been a man who is in touch with his emotions. Strong when needed but easily moved by a soppy film or a sad situation. However, the last time I cried out loud like a spoilt child was when I was a child..until now.
Ever since my life was irrevocably changed in the worst possible way I cry every day, at least once, and out loud. When at work or in company, it is just sobbing. I don't seem to be able to control it. It doesn't matter who I'm with. My boss, customers, colleagues, friends or neighbours. I just get emotional and I have no shame.
It's when I'm on my own that I really let go and wail like a 3 year old. The woman I loved and trusted more than I could ever have possibly imagined. More so every day. The girl I was going to grow old with. The woman I walked proudly down the street with. She did this with no consideration for me or the children. I can barely see the computer screen, right now.

[This message edited by allatsea at 6:11 AM, June 14th (Friday)]


You can't fix crazy. All you can do is document it

Posts: 721 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 5:31 PM, May 20th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((all)))))

You are grieving losing her just like you would if she had died. You have lost the person you were closest to.

It's ok. Let it out. You will survive this and be better and stronger from having gone through it.

If its too much get some meds. They can be very helpful.

((((( and strength)))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8738 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
isadora
♀ Member
Member # 29130
Default  Posted: 5:31 PM, May 20th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((allatsea))

I'm sorry. Hang in there.


Me: BW Him: WH
Married: 12 yrs
2 DDs and DSs all under 10
2 Affairs - 2010 year long PA/EA, 2008 2 month online EA
Multiple D-Days

I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.


Posts: 4509 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Back home again in Indiana
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