Welcome to SI. I'm sorry you had to experience the pain of this betrayal but I'm glad you found us.
Weekends and evenings are a little bit quieter here, and timezone differences mean that responses may lag a bit, but rest assured that there are people here who care, and understand, and want to support you.
We have many members from the UK who understand that there are challenges specific to your region when it comes to advocating for yourself. I know that therapy is not as prevalent there as it is in the US, but if there's ever an opportunity for you or your children to get to speak with a counselor and get some help making sense of things, I strongly suggest you try it out.
Big hugs and thoughts of strength to you as you navigate these painful times.
For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot
You need a lawyer right away to get the children returned to the house from which they were wrongfully removed. She can only remove the children as a reaction to abuse or a threat to their safety if they remain. The lawyer will send her a letter indicating that court action will be initiated if the kids are not returned.
Play hardball with her. She deserves no less.
the only thing keeping me functioning is the thought of their relationship falling apart and us reconciling, which she says will never happen.
Do not back up. Severe tire damage.
she has managed to convince her family that she wasn't happy and she saw an opportunity for happiness and took it.
How pathetic that our culture supports "unhappiness" in marriage as a legitimate reason to betray one's partner.
Good luck to you.
It's now four months since my WH told me (1 wk b 4 XMAS, top bloke!), & then left me. OW had been studying in my country, & then returned to Australia in Dec (so no idea how long really - he told me ONLY slept with her in NOV. Who knows & geez thanks). She only returned to my country in Jan so they could be together. He tells me she is the one. Like she completes him. Really, well happiness comes from within Buddy but hey, what do I know.
Yes it's heartbreaking. If I was so bad why didn't you leave me first. I wouldn't have been happy but at least I wouldn't have felt like shit & blamed myself. For a longtime I did blame myself. Yes there were usual problems,( a relationship of 26 years) but we were still going to places, socializing, still telling me how special I was, a good person I was, bring up our children (D 10 & S 7 yrs), etc. Whatever! I take 50% problems in relationship BUT 0% for affair. We can't try & fix something if we don't know what the problem is. After 26 yrs together this is how he treats me? Tells me has never done this before. Ok - what do you do with that? He is the one who is selfish & a coward. He's the piece of Crap. Gosh, the respect for him has gone. I am disgusted at him. He made his bed, he needs to lie in it. I am no-ones second choice & neither are you, or any or you good people out there. None of us are perfect , we are human, and we make the best of the situation @ that time. 20/20 hindsight is marvelleous, and I bet we keep telling ourselves if only I was more accommodating, or I had given him the back massage @ 10 o'clock @ night (note after looking after children, cooking & doing my own study!) he wouldn't have left! But you know what, baloney - it's their problems, their selfishness, their cowardliness. You can't fix their problems. Yes when I see him (children related only, & yes I correspond mainly by email & text) I get the trying so hard to be my friend ( I was his friend, his support mechanism. We were, well I thought we were Friends. Where was he when I needed that?) I'm not interested in being his friend, especially at this moment in time. I now get on with my life. I continue with my degree ( 2 papers to go then finished), I still socialise, do activities with my children (yes this is mind blowing for them. I have to be strong for them - not hard. But they have a dad who has almost changed overnight. I don't know who he is anymore either, BUT what I do is try and be positive) It is very hard & it does hurt! For awhile I kept thinking he is living a fabulous life with her, they are happy!! My sister said STOP - like an affair is fantasy so is what I was thinking. She said he's in a relationship now, they have to cook, clean, wash, hell they now fart in front of each other. BUT they also have to get real (i.e. can't put on the "happy & contented pretence for ever") they are now living in the real world.
He left me, he chose to be with her. BUT I choose to live my life according to my convictions. It's not easy & hell at times you think WTF but if you keep telling yourself & doing the things YOU want to do, it will help.
I know it's only 8 weeks for you, its raw & painful. But you are a good person who didn't deserve this at all. None of us did. Please know you are not at fault. Don't ever think you are. You hold your head up high. There are 2 mantras I say to myself " I APPROVE OF MYSELF" & " I WILL MAKE IT".
Truly this site is a great place. Never thought I would be in it, but glad it's here. Take care.
but she is annoyed that I am pushing her so fast.
Get out of the mess buddy. And fast.
It is soul destroying that this person is unrecognisable to me and can continue hurting me in this way.
The more you show you are feeling pathetic, look pathetic, the more 'prized' they feel. Some many men wanting to be with me feel.
The more you show a straight face and be to your point, the more they keep wondering.
Best of luck. This gets easy with time.
YOU have moved quickly.
One could argue that we should have got divorced BEFORE you slept with another man and BEFORE you moved in with him.
But as one of your infamous emails to Dick reminds me, “I never actually stood a chance”. You were turned by a man who flattered you, you’ve always enjoyed the attention of other men, you’ve even had a “regrettable snog” with someone whilst we were married. Blame me all you want in order to justify your behaviour. I just don’t care now. I am not the one who is moving quickly. You never mentioned your unhappiness which is how I know that you were happy until something more exciting came along.
You are not the person I thought I was married to. That person could never have done what you’ve done. You are despicable.
Contact me when you stop thinking selfishly about your wants and needs. Don’t use the children as an excuse to stall. You haven’t thought of how they might be handling the fact that one week you were in my bed and then you were immediately in someone else’s in a new house. I know that they are struggling with this as they ask me many awkward questions. When they are older they will realise that you bed hopped, were selfish, did not think of them and you will look cheap.
When you finally come out of your love bubble you will realise how disgusting you’ve been and you will be ashamed of yourself for the rest of your life. I will always have my dignity and know that I tried to hold my marriage together for my children. You can never have that.
For now I will sit and wait for you to control everything at your pace. After all, this is only about you.
[This message edited by allatsea at 8:38 AM, April 11th (Thursday)]
that letter was COMPLETELY AWESOME!
Omgosh, you totally drive home your point without using filthy language or making it sound like you're sitting around mooning over her. It was just perfect!
Now, back to 180 mister! I'm sure she will respond, so be prepared to ignore.
For now I will sit and wait for you to control everything at your pace.
[This message edited by allatsea at 5:31 AM, April 11th (Thursday)]
The only reason I am prepared to wait is that it is cheaper to divorce in this country if we can mutually agree on a settlement without involving lawyers. If I use lawyers to push this thing faster than she wants then it will quadruple the costs. It's not the end of the world although I would like to close this chapter on my life. She has to continue to pay half the loan on the house while she decides. Her loss
[This message edited by allatsea at 5:32 AM, April 11th (Thursday)]
No problem if you broke 180 for this letter. She deserved to know that. Frankly, to me, it sounds like your WW sounds a bit shaken by your confident attitude. Keep it up. You have the power. She does not.
Don't know where we are headed..
Back on the 180 and keep moving forward.