I hope you are eating well drinking plenty of fluids and focusing on you. This will be hard. Know we are here. Find outside interest and meet people. May I suggest do you have a female friend that would play the girlie girlfriend part to see if she even gets jealous????
I say that but sometimes that is all it takes is seeing you with a gorgeous hot woman and laughing and enjoying life kinda puts you in the fun great person light. Again burst their fog thoughts that you are a horrid person. KWIM???
Sometimes we have to move on knowing that the WS just isn't who WE the BS need anymore.
Hello. I've followed your story but admit I haven't read all your posts.
Don't fret over what is going on with your WW right now. It gets better. I promise. When you are divorced and moving on with your life I feel things will start coming down for her. All she and OM will have is each other and a relationship built on lies, deceit, falsehood and pain. Those relationships usually don't last.
The day will come soon where it will all come crashing down. OM wants her now because as you stated it's all about winning for him. That will change. It's always great to get over, to have something that you took from someone else, to be chosen. It's the thrill of victory, but soon they'll feel the agony of defeat. Right now you are the enemy so they are united. Once you are out of the picture as far as their relationship is concerned, the luster of their relationship will wear off. The tarnish will begin to show. He will see her as the weak, needy and deceptive person she is. She will see him as the sneaky, conniving, manipulative and controlling person he is. They won't want to be together anymore and who would blame them? Who'd want to be with someone like them. Now, your WW might never come back crawling, begging for forgiveness, crying, snot flowing, mascara runnig, etc. I'd love to hear that that's what happened. I know you'd love that too, but it might not come to pass. However, there will be a reckoning. You can't plant ragweed and expect barley, or thistles and expect wheat. How can they plant evil and expect anything good?
Harden your heart. No more tears or sharing memories with her. Stay strong and look strong for your sons. This is the toughest thing you've ever been through, and you'll make it. I promise.
When you emerge from this grief you will be so much stronger. Your wife meanwhile has a pending appointment with the karma bus - when OM gets tired of bringing up someone else's kids.
I hear your pain. We are here for you..
Enjoy the fresh air and those children. Remember they need you..
Make some happy memories this holiday for you and your children. Take pictures so you can see them when they are not with you.
Big Cyber Hugs.
Please see your doctor. You are understandably dealing with depression. Take all the help you can get.
Your children love and need you. Don't ever lose sight of that. They are so fortunate to have you.
I am sorry that you wife has chosen to be so self serving and selfish. This is her doing. Her choice. You can't control this or her. I am sorry.
Focus on what tomorrow can be.
Sending hugs and prayers your way.
Here's a tip. Go to a bar. (I think you call them pubs). Eat, drink (not too much booze, though), talk and hang around people. It always cheers me up. Do that a few times and word will get round to her that you seem to be moving on. Often people don't appreciate what they have until it starts to slip from their fingers. Besides, you might make a few new friends and meet some nice ladies. I don't necessarily suggest you try to chat any up or establish anything, bit they are quite nice to talk to sometimes.
Don't let your WW have the satisfaction of thinking you're just going to sit on the side lines while she has a rip roaring time doing whatever the he'll she wants. NO F*CKING WAY! Since she's making you sell prized possessions, like the caravan, take some of the proceeds and treat yourself to a new wardrobe. Nothing too fancy, just so nice socializing clothes.
Another suggestion, there are lots of people in your position. Lots of single, available ladies whose husbands have a lot in common with your wife. Look up groups online. There must be several available to you. Nothing serious. Just kicking around. It might surprise you how many WW snap out of the fog when they see their H with other women.
Remember, stay strong for yourself and the boys. If you have to cry, let it out, just not around her. Good luck.
Reading your posts, I want to through something out to you. For now, your children and your desire to see them and maximize contact with them is a lever for your WW. It confirms her power to her, adn probably her mis-guided belief in her re-write of the M history.
After the D this will be a much less useful lever for your WW. In addition, they are not OM's children. He will want time with WW and without YOUR children.
I suspect that as you move past the actual D there will be a shift and you will see your kids more. As their "relationship" begins to fray, OM and your WW will try harder to make it work and recapture their lurve. This is very hard to do with kids around and errands to run.
I really think you will see a change as time goes on. I also think you will see your kids migrate towards you as they mature.
No help for now, but I see a better future.
[This message edited by allatsea at 3:05 AM, July 16th (Tuesday)]
"They cling to their bad choices out of shame, because it is far easier to continue to destroy yourself than to do the heavy work required to fix yourself." - a wiser SIer
She is literally twisting the knife on purpose in such a way that only you know the significance of what she's doing - to everyone else, she's just washing a car. It is very cunning because if you blow up in that moment, or accuse her of goading you by what she's doing, it just paints you as a paranoid madman who sees things that aren't there and makes it look like you are still trying to 'control' what she does - validating her false re-writing of the marriage. She very much means what she's doing - she's out to hurt you - and I'm only glad that you can see through it.
So whatever you do - don't react when she does things like this - it's what she wants. She's still a very, very toxic person right now, but it's all masked in smiles and 'prettiness' (and that was no accident either). Be as NC with her as you can be right now and keep on doing what you did today - don't give her the satisfaction of seeing the hurt if you can.
You may have shook on the way home today, but you didn't react in front of her and that was a win for you - even though I know it certainly doesn't feel like it, and I imagine you are suffering greatly from it right now.
Read astenoate's post again and take heart from it - I think he's spot on with what he says. Your time will come and the way she is right now, you are actually better off without her. For today, try to spend this evening thinking of that great weekend you just shared with your boys - not your WW's tricks - don't let her succeed in stealing the memories of this weekend. Think instead of the quality time you just spent with your boys - that's probably all THEY can talk and think about tonight - how much fun they just had with their Daddy - don't let her tricks stop you thinking about that too.
[This message edited by sinsof thefather at 11:26 AM, June 16th (Sunday)]
You are right. To anyone else she is just washing a car. This is direct retaliation for taking our caravan away for the weekend. She is telling me that she has no regrets, not reminiscing and no nostalgia. She has a new life and I'm no longer part of it. She would prefer me dead.
[This message edited by allatsea at 4:27 AM, June 17th (Monday)]
I'll up you one in deplorable WW behavior. Read my latest post (abbondad partII)
Wishing us both strength in these darkest days...
Karma will come...
Just follow the advice you've been given. 180 and no reaction. The more energy she puts into trying to get a rise out of you, the less she'll have for OM and their relationship. And a relationship like their, built on pain and lies, requires a lot of energy to maintain.
One point about OM is that the tend to do a cost/benefits analysis on this type of relationship. As long as it's easy and doesn't cost him much (time, effort, money, etc) he'll stick it out. When it starts costing him something more and/or real life starts creeping in (like stretch marks, flatulence, having to go into the bathroom just after she's taken a dump, etc) and/or he gets another new employee who is a little younger and firmer, I think you'll see some changes in her then too.
Just remember stay strong for your boys. They are your best allies in this war. They may be young but it's not going to be lost on them what she's doing to you. They see what's going on and won't forget it.
Why was it be so important for your WW to show you her caring for OM's car, and why was this being done alone without OM? Why would twisting a knife in your wound be so important if WW and OM were in lurve and inseparable?
Compare this to other possible activities on your arrival, like WW and OM working together to fix a meal for the children, or returning from a bicycle ride together.
The opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference. Your WW is not showing indifference, she is still very invested in your feelings. She still validates herself and her actions by you and your response.
In a relationship where WW and OM are mutually in lurve and OM cares about her as more than a masturbation aid would they would not be playing these sorts of games. You would not be a factor in their life and behaviors. They would have turned inward towards each other.
Just something to thing about. It does not make the grieving for your old M any easier, but it may provide insight to your current sich.
She is invested in making me feel pain but I put this down to her new belief that I am at fault for everything and I deserve what I'm going through. But she definitely isn't indifferent. Everything she does to hurt me makes the wound open but then scar closed a little bit more. In a way I'm glad she's not being nice to me as that would hurt even more.
We are assuming that it was deliberate and coincided with my return time. It could be that she just felt like washing his car.
I wish she had the strength to allow herself to be seen as weak. Unfortunately her weakness forces her to be seen as strong.
Honey, I love you so much that while you are outside washing my car, building up some sweat and wearing a wet t-shirt I am going to sit indoors and watch TV.
Ahhhhh, true love.
[This message edited by atsenaotie at 9:20 AM, June 17th (Monday)]