Maybe next year you'll have someone who really appreciates you in that now-empty chair.
I'm sorry you are in so much pain. Enjoy your holiday as best you can. Cyber hugs ((AllatSea)) hang in there. Every day is a new one & every moment too.
The holiday is tough, mostly in the evenings when Ww and I would spend time with each other, sharing wine, reading, talking and making love. I think of her right now with 10 days to spend with pos. Living like a romantic couple with no commitments. Perfect for him. Lots of attention and sex
Rather than sitting in romantic bliss, I think she's more likely wishing these next 9 days away - not reveling in the luxury of them.
She's probably got a whole mixture of feelings going on: jealousy that you are having fun with the boys and that they are building memories without her in them, sadness that she's missing seeing their smiling faces as they experience this holiday, and a whole lot of anger at what I think must be the growing realisation in her that you are *not* going to just 'disappear' and let her and pos ride off into the sunset with your kids in tow.
POS is either joining her in her resentment that you've 'won' this holiday time with your boys and plotting their revenge against you, or he'll be getting irritated that her mood is not better. Doesn't sound much like the best emotional ingredients for a romantic break to me.
So let her GO from your mind allatsea. Stop concentrating on HER and start concentrating on YOU. When you start to miss her try to remember that it is her CHOICE not to be there. If she were there, she wouldn't be the woman you are imagining - that's just an illusion. Who you would truly have sitting there with you would be the woman with all those hidden resentments against you.
So once again, try to STOP thinking about HER and start thinking about YOU. I know it's hard, but don't let thoughts of what SHE is doing impinge on this time you have with your boys. When she comes into your mind try hard put her OUT of it - write to us instead like you've been doing.
You sound like a great Dad and a nice man allatsea, if she can't see that, then there are plenty of other ladies out there who will, and one day you WILL have a companion on these holidays again to share time with you and your sons - and it will be someone who appreciates it. Plan for that future instead in the lonely evenings. Work on imagining that instead of imagining the past and if you feel the need to message your WW come here, where you'll be listened to and supported instead of knocked back down. I know it's a lot easier said than done but keep taking those baby steps one at a time. You're doing great so far, even if it doesn't feel like it sometimes.
Go make some NEW memories. You and your boys are in my thoughts.
In relating this I am not trying to gloat or take pleasure in my STBXWWs probable pain. On the other hand, I can't say I feel sorry for her. I'm not there yet. (Right now I am still just pissed.)
Last night I had the kids. They had a bunch of their friends over for a "chocolate party." (I have a chocolate fountain, we dipped stuff in it...) they watched a movie, swam, and had a great time.
My wife was in her apartment alone. I always know this because she texts me frequently. In other words, she was not at the OMs or with him. She is sitting in her apartment. Alone. With no family.
All day long my kids had not asked about her or said they missed her. (This was the sixth day they'd been with me.).
When she called them to say goodnight, neither wanted to talk to her. Not out of anger; they were just indifferent. I finally persuaded my DS to talk, and she gave a quick "goodnight mommy love you" before going back to the movie. She literally hung up on my wife in mid sentence.
Their best memories are being primarily forged with us. Our wives willfully removed themselves from our warm worlds. They are not cavorting carefree with their paramours. They are unhappy and they miss us; you can be sure of that. They are broken.
I fully believe AAS that someday--and sooner than we think--we will both look over and sitting in a new chair by our side will be a kind, loving, loyal woman--our true soulmate.
We will think wistfully of our ex's now and then, but then forget them as we make new memories with our new loves, who deserve us.
Our ex's, though, will be figuratively peering into our loving homes from outside in the cold, wondering how and why they fucked up so badly.
This is what is hard to understand, but once you "get" it, it will make your days so much easier to get thru..
A normal person you can talk to, our WS only see actions. That is why the 180 is so important. In all our interactions with them, we have to appear STRONG -- really strong. ***and you did that at the mediator's office***YAY***and the mediator was right with you on that!!!*** As much of a crybaby as our WSs are, IF their brain ever works normally again, they will see that we stayed in reality while they slipped into an abyss.
I was muddling thru everything the 1st year, this year, year 2 since DDay, I am finally starting to understand that my sons and I are not going to have the life I dreamed of, but I am going to make sure they have a damned good life. I signed my son up for a band camp - ws would have NEVER let that happen! My other son and I went for a tour of another city and rode Segways. I didn't even miss my Wh, because I realized if he were still married to me, he would be hitting on all the women on the tour with us. That's who he really is....
It does get better. And FYI, someone I know had lunch with the OW recently. OW told this lady that she is MISERABLE. She realizes now she doesn't love my WS, and thinks he is stupid. She still loves her H, and she is sleeping with another married man on the side! So even though they ALWAYS look so damn happy, etc when I see them, I think I got pretty close to the truth from the lips of the OW.
[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 7:09 AM, July 27th (Saturday)]
Bottom line...focus on you and the boys and the great time you're going to have.
[This message edited by hatefulnow at 7:55 AM, July 27th (Saturday)]
This is why you would NEVER be a WS! You do not have the make up to go down that road. And that is the best thing.
As hard as it is, you need to focus on YOU and your kids. Don't waste your thoughts on what she is/isn't doing/ thinking. She made her choices.
And now it's your turn to have the best life you can.
You are doing amazing, keep it up.
Sending strength, aas.
[This message edited by still2suspicious at 12:32 PM, July 27th (Saturday)]
Stop trying to understand your wife.
She is a selfish person. As selfish as they come
She is a selfish person. As selfish as they come
Yep. Sometimes it's no more complicated than that. A selfish person acting selfishly, damn the consequences to others. Wish you the best AAS.
[This message edited by scrambled2 at 10:04 PM, July 28th (Sunday)]
Originally posted by AllAtSea: 5:32 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013:
I don't think I could ever have her back. Too much said and too many nasty things done by her. In mediation the marital rewrite continued and her dictats about the visitation continue
Originally posted by AllAtSea: 4:13 AM, July 29th (Monday), 2013:
I would give anything for her to make the effort to turn up out of the blue and commit to her family and the work needed to make this right. I wonder if the thought even crosses her mind?
A rollercoaster of emotions? I couldn't actually tell you how I would react to something which is hypothetical at best. Most of the time I just want to feel vindicated and hear her renounce all of the bile and lies she's ever professed and other days I want my family reunited.
I want her to hurt like I do. I want to hear it and see it.
Ive been through this a lot: when Im on my own and I think of the good times, I desperately want my wife back...
Just try to be foccussed as you can because it sounds like she's pushing buttons and waiting for you to slip up or make some drastic decision which she and her OM can take advantage of...?
That's how it did look but I didn't take offence. My emotions are all over the place and I switch from hating her to loving her every few hours