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Newest Member: Loriann (44709)

Just Found Out     Print Topic    
User Topic: Wife left me for her new boss
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wanted to say, you're doing good. Keep on documenting, keep on working with your lawyer, and keep pushing for your parental rights. I cannot conceive of the pressure you are under. (((hugs)))


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4719 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Celticlass
♀ Member
Member # 39518
Default  Posted: 9:59 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AAS, I have been lurking here from the beginning of your posting. I just want to say that you are handling this terrible situation with such poise, grace and the devotion for your children comes shining through.

What your STBXW is putting you through is a test of your ability to persevere through the darkest days, You are handling yourself with dignity at each step of the way. Hang in there and know that the mighty gathered here at SI support you!




Posts: 72 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Lone Star State
HurtButHopeful?
♀ Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 12:05 AM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AAS,

Your letter sounded like it was written by a lawyer. You have incredible intellect, not to mention stamina to put together a letter like that while under such stress.

I want to insult your WW, but you don't need that. I will say that her behavior is beyond disgusting, while yours has been stellar.

I wish for you and your boys that the D and all the details would be ironed out as quickly as possible.

Sadly your WW won't let that happen. She wants to drag it out and it seems it is just to make you suffer.

HBH


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
allatsea
♂ Member
Member # 38923
Default  Posted: 2:34 AM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are all too kind. Thank you.

Needs must. I am navigating this shitstorm by the seat of my pants.

I am sure that CSTBXWW was expecting me to wilt into the ground and simply relinquish my children, money and house to her and her POS. She probably thought I would be devastated forever and willing to take the blame. It ain't gonna happen.


Me 40
WW 38
Together 19 years
Married for 9
DS(1) 9
DS(2) 7
Dday 10th Feb 2013
She moved in with POS and took kids 23rd Mar 2013. WW now has new baby
Divorced April 2014

Posts: 659 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
wonderpets
♂ Member
Member # 35901
Default  Posted: 2:57 AM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When you get your kids, keep them extra for every day she screwed you out of. She wants them back, tell her to go fuck herself.

Posts: 203 | Registered: Jun 2012
allatsea
♂ Member
Member # 38923
Default  Posted: 6:36 AM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wonderpets,

That's how I feel. I want to keep them and not just for an extra night. I would dearly love to have them full time. In this country that's basically impossible. Equal rights in this country only work in one direction.


Me 40
WW 38
Together 19 years
Married for 9
DS(1) 9
DS(2) 7
Dday 10th Feb 2013
She moved in with POS and took kids 23rd Mar 2013. WW now has new baby
Divorced April 2014

Posts: 659 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
allatsea
♂ Member
Member # 38923
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've had the briefest of correspondence from her solicitor saying that I will have them tonight but no confirmation about the weekend, which suggests she's still in two minds about it despite me signing the letter.


Me 40
WW 38
Together 19 years
Married for 9
DS(1) 9
DS(2) 7
Dday 10th Feb 2013
She moved in with POS and took kids 23rd Mar 2013. WW now has new baby
Divorced April 2014

Posts: 659 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In the end, when you have the court decision, there is no reason why you won't have 50% custody. Thats what your WW fears.

Posts: 1704 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hang in there, AAS. Your strength comes through in every post.


Me (BS)-45, WW-42
PMs with men only, please
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1357 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
HurtButHopeful?
♀ Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It ain't gonna happen.

No, it ain't. Because you're
allatsea
She will regret her actions some day, even if she doesn't have the integrity to admit it to herself, or to you. She'll spend the rest of her life trying to push the truth from her evil little mind drowning it with lies, booze, hatred, whatever. But the truth will not disappear, because
you and your loving boys will be living proof of the truth.

HBH


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
allatsea
♂ Member
Member # 38923
Default  Posted: 4:41 AM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I saw my boys last night. They were very happy but also emotional.

CSTBXWW dropped them off and her normal method is to stay in the car for a fast getaway. I never normally engage with her but I did yesterday.

I leaned through the side window and asked one question; "Why are you so angry with me?"

Her response was that I needed help, I was being totally unreasonable and that I have behaved abominably. Transference much?!
I then said that she was the one who had behaved badly to which she said "what, because of what I did?. She rolled her eyes and said " are you still going on about that, get over it".

I wasn't even referring to that. I was thinking of the more recent behaviour but she still thinks I'm sore at her affair. It's insignificant in comparison. I also realised that I don't find her attractive anymore, not even physically.

She couldn't drive away fast enough.

I will undoubtedly receive a letter of complaint that I intimidated her and dared to engage with her. Another threat of harassment, I'm sure.

After I calmed down I realised that she has chosen to reject all forms of communication, mediation, negotiation and is also selective as to which letters she replies to for one reason; it requires her to confront her victim, her accuser. It brings everything to the surface. Her behaviour cannot be suppressed when she has to answer difficult questions. The guilt must be eating away at her.

I've also had confirmation that the boys will be with me this weekend. Woohoo!


Me 40
WW 38
Together 19 years
Married for 9
DS(1) 9
DS(2) 7
Dday 10th Feb 2013
She moved in with POS and took kids 23rd Mar 2013. WW now has new baby
Divorced April 2014

Posts: 659 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
sinsof thefather
♀ Member
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Her response was that I needed help, I was being totally unreasonable and that I have behaved abominably. Transference much?!
I then said that she was the one who had behaved badly to which she said "what, because of what I did?. She rolled her eyes and said " are you still going on about that, get over it".

allatsea, it would be so easy to pick at this - and I did start to - but really what's the point? We all see the same thing anyway....transference, remorselessness, and delusion..but she also seems to have slipped back into expressing herself like a troubled teenager. I'm glad she was in the car or she'd have probably been stamping her foot too before she flounced off.

But just one slight warning allatsea, even though what you did was very mild in reaction to what she's been doing to you - it was still poking the tiger talking to her at all, and playing into her hands somewhat.

I will undoubtedly receive a letter of complaint that I intimidated her and dared to engage with her. Another threat of harassment, I'm sure.


Don't give her anything she even thinks she can use in ammunition against you because she will use it. She's gone beyond reasoning with.


Anyway, I hope you had a great day with the boys and I am glad that you will have them for this weekend.


[This message edited by sinsof thefather at 8:16 AM, September 26th (Thursday)]


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1861 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
allatsea
♂ Member
Member # 38923
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sins,

You are utterly right. You all are. I know I shouldn't poke the tiger with a stick but when you've spent the last 7 months defending yourself against utter bullshit, seeing the life you thought you had go down the swanny, having your children kept from you, sometimes you feel the need to give the WS a piece of one's mind.

I'm not a robot. She has hurt me and damaged me to my core more than I ever thought possible. Her recent actions were like she was poking me with a stick.

As the Japs said in WW2 after Pearl Harbour (at least this is what was scripted in the film), "I think all we have done is wake a sleeping giant". I was a sleeping giant until she started using my children as pawns. I'm now fighting like a fucker


[This message edited by allatsea at 9:21 AM, September 26th (Thursday)]


Me 40
WW 38
Together 19 years
Married for 9
DS(1) 9
DS(2) 7
Dday 10th Feb 2013
She moved in with POS and took kids 23rd Mar 2013. WW now has new baby
Divorced April 2014

Posts: 659 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


AAS,

I was just going to write essentially the same thing Sins wrote.

Don't engage. She may have at one time been somewhat approachable (though even in her "best days" she really wasn't), but she is no longer. She is vindictive and malicious and irrational. Dangerous to you.

As you know, I am in the same boat. When we exchange kids face-to-face I say absolutely nothing. The other day I attempted to be human and said "Hi." She did not even look at me let alone offer the same courtesy--and this was in front of the children. So much for making them feel safe.

Pick yourself up and don't make this mistake again. At best it is pointless, and at worst--as you well know through hellish experience--she will wield any and all as weapons against you.

Resist the urge to be human.

On a lighter note, this gave me the biggest laugh of the week:

CSTBXWW of 666 bitch street, Crazy town

Hang in there. You are doing incredibly well.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1586 | Registered: Dec 2012
sinsof thefather
♀ Member
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh allatsea, I know. I really do, and I'm not knocking you, far from it. I think you have played the shitty hand she dealt you in an almost faultless way. That is probably why she is so angry with you. You have shown amazing restraint so far in the face of such provocation. Withholding your children was so very low. She was doing some serious poking herself with that one.


But you are being faaaar less predictable in battle than she is. I imagine that your cool tactics in response to what she did last week, despite your very natural fury, surprised her because they were so cool headed - they disproved all that she's trying to say about you - and you've very much surprised her by being such an able adversary. That's the only reason I say don't trip up now by giving her even the slightest ammunition.


She will be looking to redress that balance in any way she can - she didn't look good in that fiasco and she knows it.


She's so angry and remorseless that it must just burn in you to give her a piece of your mind. But have your say after you've got visitation and divorce done. Your words now won't hurt her - you winning any court battles will. I've no doubt that she has woken a sleeping giant and I bet you she knows it now too.

[This message edited by sinsof thefather at 10:02 AM, September 26th (Thursday)]


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1861 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
catlover50
♀ Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm compelled to comment on her saying you "need to get over it already." Really? Even if that wasn't what you were talking about. What supreme selfishness. She is supposed to be allowed to take a grenade to your entire life and in a few short months you are supposed to be over it?

I'm glad that you are no longer attracted to her. That has to make it easier.

Hang in there. It's amazing that she can't treat you like a human being, much less her husband of many years and the father of her children. But since she can't you should keep on the straight and narrow and keep doing your thing with your trademark class and dignity.



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1728 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
lordhasaplan?
♂ Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allatsea,
Engaging her in rational discussion about her crazy making is going to get you nowhere. Crazy is as Crazy does and you cant reason with crazy,stupid,or entitiled.


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1889 | Registered: Nov 2010
HurtButHopeful?
♀ Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"what, because of what I did?. She rolled her eyes and said " are you still going on about that, get over it".
It is interesting how aware she is of what she did...going all the way back to the A. She is clueless of what she is doing now? I think you are right, her conscience is not leaving her alone.

Don't get your hopes up, however. She won't stop being the Wicked Witch.

Glad she is starting to look the part too.

Have a wonderful weekend with your sons!!!!! I wish her phone and computer would break, so she would leave you alone while your sons are with you.

HBH


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
allatsea
♂ Member
Member # 38923
Default  Posted: 3:47 AM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WW has applied to the court for a financial settlement to be decided.

CSTBXWW would rather let a judge decide than engage with me directly or indirectly and reach an agreement.

What's strange is that I've agreed to her demand for 50% of everything so there is nothing left to argue over.

Quite what the judge will make of it, I can't determine.


Me 40
WW 38
Together 19 years
Married for 9
DS(1) 9
DS(2) 7
Dday 10th Feb 2013
She moved in with POS and took kids 23rd Mar 2013. WW now has new baby
Divorced April 2014

Posts: 659 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
allatsea
♂ Member
Member # 38923
Default  Posted: 3:51 AM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I sent this to her solicitor earlier this week. I haven't heard back!

"I am perplexed but not surprised to hear that your client has commenced financial order proceedings. One might have expected your client to attempt discussion and negotiation about the financial split prior to issuing proceedings. Your letter states that negotiation has failed and yet I have no records of any such negotiation having taken place, either directly or through respective solicitors.

Despite numerous requests asking for your client to assert her demands, I note from my records that I have not received any such correspondence. Your client has previously acknowledged in writing, many months ago, that she is prepared for me to give her 50% of the net equity of the former matrimonial home as evidenced by her request that I provide a letter from my mortgage company demonstrating that I can afford it. This letter was provided several months ago. I have also agreed to split all other assets equally, as requested by your client.

To date, your client has not provided any indication as to why she is procrastinating or remaining silent regarding the financial settlement in either acceptance or rejection of proposals. Your client has documented on numerous occasions that she is eager to conclude the divorce as quickly as possible and yet seems reluctant to enter into any negotiation. Issuing a Form A will protract the discussions by many months and will prevent either party from concluding matters and drawing a line under this unfortunate situation. I am suspicious that your client is unwilling to conclude the sale of her half of the house to me as she wishes to retain a claim on it in the event that her new relationship fails.

I request, again, that your client puts her demands into writing so that, maybe, negotiations could begin before they can be accused of failing. "

[This message edited by allatsea at 3:51 AM, September 27th (Friday)]


Me 40
WW 38
Together 19 years
Married for 9
DS(1) 9
DS(2) 7
Dday 10th Feb 2013
She moved in with POS and took kids 23rd Mar 2013. WW now has new baby
Divorced April 2014

Posts: 659 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
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