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Just Found Out     Print Topic    
User Topic: Wife left me for her new boss
allatsea
♂ Member
Member # 38923
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've just had a long telephone call with the solicitor.

She is reassured that the Police involvement was not as significant as CSTBXWW has made out but ANY allegations, whether they be true or false have to be considered. How crazy is that!

She also tells me that the presiding judge is slightly biased in favour of women but then counters it by saying that there is no real argument that the wife is able to put forward for sole residency.

She concludes by saying that in most cases the opposing barristers try and hammer out a deal before we go before the judge. If a deal can't be reached then the decision will be made at the next hearing.

All the while I am haemorrhaging money and fighting with a woman I loved for twenty years and I thought loved me until relatively recently.


Me 40
WW 38
Together 19 years
Married for 9
DS(1) 9
DS(2) 7
Dday 10th Feb 2013
She moved in with POS and took kids 23rd Mar 2013. WW now has new baby
Divorced April 2014

Posts: 685 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((hugs))) We're all here pulling for you. I hope your day in court comes quickly.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4804 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
sinsof thefather
♀ Member
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

allatsea, I think your solicitor is sensibly erring on the side of caution in her advice to you. The truth is, she really can't say any more than you can what the judge will decide if it eventually comes to that. If the judge is FAIR - then in considering the two times the police were called (The swimming pool and when they came to your house) he will see for himself that no action was taken - which should speak for itself.

If the barristers are able to hammer out a deal between themselves then it won't matter, either, whether the judge is 'slightly biased towards the female' or not. Although frankly, I'm not sure your CSTBXW will go for a deal - she seems determined to try to hurt you as much as she can by being as unreasonable as she possibly can be. It would be nice to think that someone could talk some sense into her before the Judge has to hear it all - but at this stage, I wouldn't hold your breath.

That it's all come down to this is just so sad allatsea and I really do feel for you that a woman you loved for twenty years is actually capable of doing this to you - but please keep your chin up and keep going. She's not the woman you remember in your head anymore, and I know you're haemorrhaging money and hurting, but you're nearly at the end now. Stay the distance and stay strong for you and your boys - we're all here rooting for you.


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1875 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
self-rescuer
♀ Member
Member # 35059
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wondering how you are doing. Remember there are so many here who are concerned and care.

Wishing you some peace.


BW 53 WXH 56 & still bewildered
D-Day 9-15-11
Divorce 3-13-13

Just trust yourself, then you will know how to live.
~ Goethe


Posts: 506 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: the south
Truly
♀ Member
Member # 40715
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your solicitor sounds very reasonable and realistic, but with all of us behind you how can you fail?

Honestly, court is hell but you will survive it and hopefully triumph.
Just wanted to add my best wishes, been reading but not posting for ages!!
Fingers (and all other appendages) crossed x


There are dark shadows on the earth, but its lights are stronger in the contrast.
Charles Dickens


Posts: 257 | Registered: Sep 2013
allatsea
♂ Member
Member # 38923
Default  Posted: 2:48 AM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for all your concern.

It's now just a waiting game. I swing from believing that justice will be served to panicking if she gets what she wants. It has far reaching implications, too.

I think she's going to push for more than half the house in the settlement, even though she moved out. Either that or she wants the house for herself. Either way she knows it would be devastating for me to be financially punished for her actions or worse, see her and him move into the house. Then shewould have EVERYTHING.

The law doesn't seem to care about what is moral.


Me 40
WW 38
Together 19 years
Married for 9
DS(1) 9
DS(2) 7
Dday 10th Feb 2013
She moved in with POS and took kids 23rd Mar 2013. WW now has new baby
Divorced April 2014

Posts: 685 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
sinsof thefather
♀ Member
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 6:52 AM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's now just a waiting game.

Yes, it is - and the waiting is one of the worst parts. But at least know this allatsea, you gave it your all and you did everything in your power to stand your ground and do what is best for you and your boys. You didn't roll over and you've made your case be heard. I can't tell you how much I want for you to get all that you've asked for and for her to be thwarted in her plans - Oh yes, I would love for justice to really be served here. But just like you, none of us can predict the outcome either. All I know for sure is that when you go in there you will have the backing, positive thoughts and prayers of so many people here, all of us rooting for you and hoping for justice for you and your boys.

[This message edited by sinsof thefather at 6:55 AM, October 18th (Friday)]


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1875 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 7:39 PM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You OK, AAS? Any news?


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1617 | Registered: Dec 2012
allatsea
♂ Member
Member # 38923
Default  Posted: 5:25 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nothing to report, I'm afraid although I've filed my formal responses to court as below which CSTBXWW will get sight of on Friday:

"I refute the suggestion that I am using the children as a weapon. It is not possible for me to behave in this way as I am not the one who has taken unilateral ‘ownership’ of them. How could it be suggested that I am using them to hurt her in the divorce when it is not I that is refusing and withdrawing access and making flimsy claims of abuse? I am merely seeking to have fair and structured access to my children as I consider the father, whom the children are extremely fond of and miss terribly, should have a considerable, equal and stable influence in their lives.
I agree that the boys should be in a set and stable routine but it is the applicant who has up-routed them from the most stable and happy routine and inserted them into a new environment with a man whom they do not know well or respect. A set and stable routine does not equate to spending a majority of their time with one parent and her new partner, especially when the father is able to provide a familiar, responsible and safe upbringing in their original home. A home they have known since birth and are relaxed and comfortable in. An equal split of residency is perfectly workable and emotionally stable for the children provided that it is simple, regular and fixed, with the residences in close proximity to each other and their schools. This is a particular wish expressed by both children. DS(8) continues to suffer emotional distress as a result of not seeing his father equally but feels unable to discuss this with his mother. It is affecting his schooling.

The applicant considers herself to be the primary carer and subsequent ‘owner’ based on early past acts and routines established when the children were babies and toddlers. Whilst it cannot be argued that the applicant provided maternal care for the children during infancy, the involvement of the father has increased steadily and proportionately as the boys got older and an equal involvement has been maintained since the boys started their schooling. Furthermore, the routines established when we lived as a family of four, where both parents shared care 7 days a week, are now irrevocably changed as a result of her selfish actions. In fact, during her betrayal of the family in 2012/ 2013, the boys were fed and cared for by me on countless occasions whilst she conducted her illicit affair under the pretence of work commitments and business trips.
The applicant states that she is considering the best interests of the children but I can confidently and categorically state that her choice to have an affair and her subsequent decision to leave the marriage and family home without any communication, discussion or justification, despite several attempts by myself to persuade the applicant to work on the marriage and keep the family as a unit, contradicts her assertion. The applicant has shown that a continual lack of communication fed with stubbornness and vindictiveness is at the core of her actions and the children have not been considered at all, except superficially, in order to maintain appearances.
To suggest that I am unable to properly care for the children and prepare them for school on a Monday morning is, frankly, ridiculous. I have been assisting with their homework since the start of term and been regularly preparing them and taking them to school on Thursday mornings since March. How is a Monday different to a Thursday, of which she has no concern whatsoever? They are always in bed early on school nights and this would include Sundays. I am well educated and perfectly able to assist with their homework. Both children enjoy doing homework with me and they have stated that “I explain things more simply than mummy”.
The statement that I have rarely had them in my care is being used as an argument that I should not have them more. Despite the indisputable fact that the applicant has unilaterally prevented me having them a fair and equal amount, to the dismay of the children, I can confirm that I have cared for them , overnight for a total of 70 nights (at the time of writing) including 10 nights in France since March.
All of the above can be supported in evidence by reviewing solicitor’s correspondence, log files, emails, texts and, most recently, a letter written by a third party, all of which will be provided upon request."

This wording is in addition to the reponse to the claims of abuse.
The court date is next Wednesday.

[This message edited by allatsea at 5:43 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday)]


Me 40
WW 38
Together 19 years
Married for 9
DS(1) 9
DS(2) 7
Dday 10th Feb 2013
She moved in with POS and took kids 23rd Mar 2013. WW now has new baby
Divorced April 2014

Posts: 685 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
sinsof thefather
♀ Member
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 8:07 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I can just imagine your CSTBXWW getting this on Friday and jumping up and down wanting to know the identity of the 'third party'...I doubt she'll suspect it's a teacher at your sons school - that is quite the ace in your hand you have there allatsea, and one which you are wisely not revealing too early.


The court date is next Wednesday.

I will have my fingers, toes and eyes crossed for you that day. I really hope this plays out your way and you get a fair deal for you and your boys.


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1875 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
Secrets Kept
♀ Member
Member # 40630
Default  Posted: 12:05 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have said it before & again AAS....absolutely great, well worded, professional response.

I am going to be chewing nails to stubs until next Wednesday.

(Have had computer issues at home but will answer our PM soon. My damn "smart phone" isn't always so smart replacing words I type so I hate typing out much on it.

Just know my thoughts & prayers will be with you. Don't know how it could wrong for you in any way if a judge takes time to go through the details of your case!!!

Many, many, big hugs going your way!!!!


Marriage #1=BW-46 (now)
XWH-Deceased on his 36 bday
Divorced in 1996
Marriage #2= Married in 2003
H-44
2 kids together-DS14 & DD12
"All this time I was finding myself & I didn't know I was lost"

Posts: 209 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest USA
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 3:31 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

May common sense prevail in the court today.

We're all thinking of and rooting for you. Good luck.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 57 y/o Him, WS, 58 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 19 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3455 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
mrmarx
♂ New Member
Member # 38357
Default  Posted: 3:51 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by mrmarx at 3:52 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday)]


Christ what a year!

Posts: 37 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Aus
summerain
♀ Member
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 3:54 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry! The above was my waywards account! He was still logged in
Sorry!

But yes what I meant to say was good luck. You are such a good father


OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
allatsea
♂ Member
Member # 38923
Default  Posted: 4:24 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Another example of controlling everything from CSTBXWW

Email from CSTBXWW.

Wife: Boys have a teacher training day on Friday. Would I like them at lunch time instead of 3:15?

Me: I will take the day off and happy to have them all day. Could I have them on the Thursday evening and then they could stay another night?

Wife: No, I will let you have them at 8am on Friday but not Thursday night.

Me: Why?

Wife: Crickets

I've printed it as evidence next week


Me 40
WW 38
Together 19 years
Married for 9
DS(1) 9
DS(2) 7
Dday 10th Feb 2013
She moved in with POS and took kids 23rd Mar 2013. WW now has new baby
Divorced April 2014

Posts: 685 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 7:43 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"No, I will let you..."

I get the same thing, AAS. The arrogance is breath-taking. Can drive you insane. Breathe. Her day will come. You are a good dad. Strength and patience....


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1617 | Registered: Dec 2012
Blobette
♀ Member
Member # 36519
Default  Posted: 7:49 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If I'm interpreting this correctly, she started by offering to let you have the boys for longer than the agreement -- lunch instead of 3:15. You then said you'd take them for the full day, and then further asked for an additional night. I don't think this is evidence of her being controlling, but of you pushing things. I wouldn't present this as evidence being controlling, because it doesn't read as such to me -- rather, she was being generous by letting you have more time with the boys.

I am deeply sympathetic to your cause, and I say this only because I want to make your case stronger. Anything that says to the judge that you are being unreasonable will detract from your case, so I would advise you to leave this one out. But I'm sure others will weigh in -- let's see if others have the same reaction.

Wishing you strength...


BS (me): 50
WS: 50
Married: 26 yrs
Kids: 2
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R

Posts: 1057 | Registered: Aug 2012
Secrets Kept
♀ Member
Member # 40630
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nope..sorry but do not agree, Blobette.

I cannot even phantom keeping my children from someone who truly loves them & is a good parent.

My current husband & I had issues (non-fidelity) & were going to split. We discussed kids one day & he said he wanted them every other week. So I told him, "What, I'm supposed to live without my kids for 26 weeks a year"?

His response was, "so why would you think I should for 52 with only 4 days per month"?

I thought for a moment & he is absolutely correct. So we have agreed to every other week if we ever split.

We both love our kids so should get fair parenting split.

Plus....hmmmm....every other week to myself??? Don't quite remember what "me time" is, so doesn't sound all that terribly bad.

I don't feel AAS is being unreasonable whatsoever. Hell, she gives him minimal time as it is, so can't blame him for asking for a bit more.

She should look at it as a break for alone time overnight with Gru. Plus not have to get them up so early on a Fri morning to take them to Dad's.

I agree with AAS....take it to court to show her unreasonableness to work with him on anything.

Hugs....off to work so no time to proof read that my smart phone didn't enter its own type anywhere.


Marriage #1=BW-46 (now)
XWH-Deceased on his 36 bday
Divorced in 1996
Marriage #2= Married in 2003
H-44
2 kids together-DS14 & DD12
"All this time I was finding myself & I didn't know I was lost"

Posts: 209 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest USA
allatsea
♂ Member
Member # 38923
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can see why Blobette might think that but underneath all of this is her continuing to dictate and offer the children to me ONLY when it suits her.

It suits HER for me to have them from 8am on Friday so she can go to work. There is no discussion, no negotiation, no compromise. It always has to be whats best for her dressed up to be what's best for the boys.

She has actually responded since my last post saying that she doesn't want them to come to me on Thursday because "they aren't objects to be passed around"

Lest we not forget that she has them for the majority of the time already. One more night would have been a perfectly reasonable expectation

[This message edited by allatsea at 10:21 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday)]


Me 40
WW 38
Together 19 years
Married for 9
DS(1) 9
DS(2) 7
Dday 10th Feb 2013
She moved in with POS and took kids 23rd Mar 2013. WW now has new baby
Divorced April 2014

Posts: 685 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
Daysie
♀ Member
Member # 38873
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AAS

I agree - you can get the boys only when it suits her .

She isn't keen to have them passed around except when it
when it suits her.

Just a question here so GENTLY - "Where is OLD SEX BOMB GRU" in all of this?

If your STBXWW is calling on you when her plans are changed it makes me wonder just how wonderful her life really is with him

Is he fully into this parenting relationship or just your STBXWW?


Me BS 56
Him WH 56
M 36yrs
A 32yrs ago with my then BF
DD 1 / DS 1
Who is this man ??????


Posts: 85 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
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