I'm not saying that you need to pull back from posting (especially as that won't solve the problems you're having or the issue of people worrying about you).
What I am saying is that you have issues that are too important to ignore and too significant to be handled by virtual strangers on a message board.
You have expressed a desire to harm yourself, you have told us about self-harming behaviours, and you have expressed both past suicide attempts and current suicidal thoughts.
MyName, you need to seek competent professional mental health care. You don't have to stop posting here (nor did I mean to suggest that you do). But you need to seek in-patient or out-patient care with a qualified psychiatric professional in addition to posting and reading here.
Heaven knows SI got me through some bad times... it was one part of the puzzle, though. Posting here helped sort out my thoughts, get objective feedback, provided me with 2X4s and also got squishy with me when I really needed it.
A support network is so important... it just sometimes needs to be widened to fit the need.
Stay with us, k?
There are self help things you can do to help yourself.
1. Play Music
Play music that creates an emotion that is the opposite of the one you are struggling with. For example, if you are feeling very sad, play happy, upbeat music. If you are feeling anxious, play slow, relaxing music.
2. Do Something
Engage in a highly engaging activity. Television or computer activities do not count here -- these are too passive. Instead, take a walk, dance, clean your house, or do some other activity that gets you engaged and distracts you from your current emotions.
3. Call Someone
Reaching out to others can really help when you are struggling with strong emotions. Call a supportive friend or family member. If you don’t have someone in mind that is supportive, call a helpline (for example, in the U.S. you can call the National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273-TALK).
Are you a religious or spiritual person? If you are (or even if you’re not but have considered trying), praying can be tremendously helpful in times of extreme stress.
5. Ride It Out
The peak of most strong emotional reactions (and the urges to engage in harmful activities, like self-harming or drinking, that can go along with these reactions) last for a few minutes and then begin to subside. Grab an egg timer from the kitchen, and set it for 10 minutes. Wait the 10 minutes, and practice riding out the emotion.
6. Be Mindful
Practice mindfulness of your emotion. Notice the emotion you are having, and let yourself experience it as a wave, without trying to block it, suppress it, or hold on to it. Try to accept the emotion for what it is.
7. Breathe Deeply
Sit or lie somewhere quiet and bring your attention to your breathing. Breathe evenly, slowly, and deeply. Watch your stomach rise and fall with each breath.
8. Take a Warm Bath or Shower
Try to lose yourself in the sensations of the warm water, the smell of the soap, etc. Allow the sensations to distract you from the situation you are upset about.
9. Ground Yourself
When emotions seem to be taking you out of the current moment (e.g., you are starting to feel “zoned out” or can’t see anything else going on at the moment), do something to ground yourself. Grab an ice cube and hold it in your hand for a few moments, snap a rubber band against your wrist, “snap yourself back” into the moment.
10. Help Someone Else
Do something nice for someone else. It doesn't have to be something big; you can walk to the nearest store, buy a pack of gum, and give the cashier a smile and say "have a great day." It may sound silly, but small gestures like this can really reduce emotional pain.
The above was from an article on the Internet. There is a lot of really good articles out there about this. It's very real and not easy or certainly not a choice. The pain folks that have this is intense and heartbreaking. Not a desire for attention or manipulation, although those can be bi-products.
I'm sure you don't wish to burden others but you do know invested so many are in you on this site. They care and worry. It's so hard to watch someone in such pain an be completely helpless in easing or fixing it. Support can sometimes become enabling when the recipient can't or won't do what's necessary to help themselves.
It is up to you. While BPD, if you do have it, is a serious mental issue it is treatable and can improve. There are folks here that struggle with it and do very well. They have sought help, though.
Even if you don't have this reading up on it can help you see you are not alone with the struggles you experience. Other's have walked that dark lonely path and are walking it now. They have been able to see a glimmer of light, though and reach for it. I hope you can too. For your sake. For your SO's sake.
'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth
I ended up cutting myself too. I'm okay now but I feel like a total failure.
If you really want to take the first step into IC, you have to get out of your comfort zone. Some people won't take that step until they reach critical mass/rock bottom. What is your rock bottom? For many, realizing we are hurting ourselves is enough. For some, it won't happen until we end up in the hospital. For some, it doesn't happen in time.
Think about what you really want in life. You are not taking that step because you are getting some type of pay off from continuing the cycle you are in, even if it is a negative pay-off. What is the pay-off you are getting from repeating this cycle and refusing help? Think about this for a while.
When we are depressed/numb/overly anxious, etc.... it is so much easier to keep doing what we have always done, because doing anything else takes a lot of effort and can be scary. So then we go back to the comfort of self-harm/drinking/using/acting out, etc.... because at least that gives us an initial and short-lived relief and we know what to expect. In a way, it is comforting.
This is the time when you have to use your intelligence. Even though you are suffering depression and suicidal ideations, it is easy to see you are intelligent. You may not "feel" like seeing an IC, and you may be "fearful" of seeing the IC, but your intelligence understands this is what you need to do. Let your intelligence override your more base instincts next time.
Also, write down, or print off some of the things you have told us here about the extreme social anxiety and the suicidal thoughts. The first time you see your therapist it may be difficult for you to talk about this stuff, but if the therapist is going to help you, they need to know. If you have to, send it to them in an email, or get their address (work address) and send them a letter letting them know. That way you don't have to face them and they will have the information.
The first time you go in, you don't have to open up about your entire life. You can make small talk until you are comfortable with your therapist. This may actually be crucial for you, because we don't all click with every therapist. YOu need to make sure you get one you click with. So taking it slow with your counselor is probably fairly important for you.
And remember, each failure is one step closer to success.
[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 10:59 AM, April 10th (Wednesday)]
Does your new IC specialize in cutting and social anxiety?
I am so very happy you made the apt. myname ... what an incredible step forward for you ... remember baby steps myname ... go at your own pace, and pretty soon you will be going to these apts.
I'm very happy/proud of the progress you have made, and I hope you keep posting ...
There is a lot more to me then depression, self harm, etc. I have a lot to offer, and if you've actually followed me at all or you just read some of what the other posters in this thread have written about me you will catch a glimpse of what I have to offer.
righteous anger from you - I'm impressed.
you, writing the words "I have a lot to offer" and "a glimpse of what I have to offer." about yourself - priceless
I knew you knew that, all along.
You are getting there, you know. At your own pace, but your pace has been speeding up so much in the last several months. I know it is so incredibly scary to get out of your comfort zone, away from what is familiar. And your head, and your heart, and your gut are all warring with each other, to see which one gets heard the loudest.
Believe in yourself, sweetie. You will be ready to go to the IC when you're ready. Each step you've taken brings you closer and closer.
ps. please don't stop posting entirely. there's a lot of us here that would miss you, and worry about you.
Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect
ps. please don't stop posting entirely. there's a lot of us here that would miss you, and worry about you
I worry more when we do not hear from you.