it hasn't hit yet. it will. if it doesn't, it's hiding somewhere. my IC told me after i had healed quite a lot and made my appointments infrequent that he was happy with where i was but didn't think i'd really faced the anger yet. i thought he was nuts, i'd been pissed for two years. but he was right...there is an anger that comes from righteous indignation that pops out anytime i'm provoked. and yes, it works well to get my ass moving when i'm being a softy.
the best way i know how to find it is to talk to a friend about all the nasty things he did that pissed you off. don't apologize or feel bad about saying mean things. don't worry that you are "painting too harsh a picture" of your M...just VENT your ass off!! you want this to be someone full of "hell yeah!"'s and "fuck that guy!"'s.
you can also do it here...or in a journal. COMPLAIN. don't even worry about whether or not what you are bitching about is technically true or not....just go through all those things until you are saying, "yeah fucker!!" (or whatever you feel comfortable blurting out with enmity). don't worry about what he would say or has said about you or your M. this is about your feelings!!
your "HurtsButImOk" user name says a lot. you want others to know how strong you are, how dignified. but you aren't ok. you will be one day, but you aren't right now. you are surviving, you are strong, you are muscling through this, but you are not ok. no one in your shoes is ok. you are in shock, still. you are MISERABLE, TERRIFIED, depressed, confused, blown away...a million things that aren't anything like ok.
give yourself permission to not be ok. we have to fake it for others, but not for ourselves, at least not all the time. give yourself permission to lose your shit and be angry - irrationally, furiously, hysterically angry...not "appropriately" angry, or angry-but-on-the-high-road. get on the low road and get pissed. it's not even really the low road, it just feels that way to people like us. you don't have to stay pissed all the time or on a low road or what feels like one...but we all know you are better than that so let go and allow yourself to not be ok. being "ok" throughout this is denial. seriously. maybe if you could admit you aren't ok, you could get pissed at him for putting you in this position.
life must be rich and full of loving--it's no good otherwise, no good at all, for anyone - j. kerouac