I'm married and have been for just over 5 years and have a couple of kids.
My wife thought it would help our marriage to screw around with strangers instead of talk to me about whatever her problem is. So now I'm in what looks to be a pretty crowded boat of people who have been cheated on trying to get some kind of understanding, clarity, peace etc.
Alea iacta est...
Yes, there are a lot of us, but we are a great group and we'll help you as much as we can. If you haven't already, please check out the Healing Library. There is some great info in there.
"Some of us don't see people how they are but how we need them to be".....quote from Uncertainone
Daledge: My wife's starting on with counselling for herself. I want to do marriage counselling. I want to hear what she has to say.
I can't quite believe I'm here, in life. I can't help but wonder when it turned to shit!
Good your wife is in counseling; but that doesn't do much for you though.
If you are waiting for a mea culpa or an apology, you might not get it - or it might take a while. So go do something for yourself and talk to a therapist.
I knew something was up for most of 2011, but had no where to turn to find out. Then in the beginning of 2012 BINGO!
I knew, but not who he was banging.
First I saw a lawyer to learn my rights. Then off to interview therapists.
I didn't know WHO the bitch was for a while still. I was scared, felt threatened. After almost 8 weeks of therapy I was strong enough to confront the SOB.
The point is - seeking professional help, helps YOU.
I can't quite believe I'm here, in life.
and you won't be able to believe it for a long time. i'm glad you checked this place out, and i'm encouraged that your wife is spending time here on her own. no one in her shoes gets off easy here. she'll get a LOT of support, but be held very accountable. it can only help.
welcome. sucks to be here, but it's a great, safe place to find if you need it. do some reading...this process is rather lengthy. it's nice to navigate it as smartly as possible for your heart and head and life. we'll help you out, but there are no shortcuts.
seriously, do consider seeing a counselor/therapist on your own. you've never needed it more in your life, whether you've really realized that yet or not.
[This message edited by stretch13 at 2:50 PM, April 9th (Tuesday)]
life must be rich and full of loving--it's no good otherwise, no good at all, for anyone - j. kerouac
I had to deal with my WHs infidelity with a newborn. Life shattering.
TIME is your friend. When I JFO that seemed ridiculous but it is the truth. It does get easier.
I'm happy to say I am about 8 months out and doing great! I started working out, catching up with friends and family - and reaching out for support. I am in IC and also MC and thinking R is in the cards for us.
Fool me once - Shame on you. Fool me twice - pack your shit and get out.
Please secure your flotation device - rough seas ahead.
So how long since you JFO (Dday)? Are you able to eat? getting plenty of fluids? Sleeping? How you holding up?
Drink water. Even if you can't eat much eat a little.
Seriously; dehydration is your enemy and can literally land you in the hospital. So, make sure you are drinking water.
So sorry you have found yourself here. However, I am glad you found SI. It is very helpful.
Listen to the advice of the ones who have been there. There really is a very similar pattern to the way betrayers talk, respond, act .. you name it. Stick to your guns. You set the stage now.
Definitely read in the healing library (top left) and read it over and over as much as you need.
We all give you HUGS.
Failure to attempt is failure.
I'm not so bad really massive kick in the knackers but I'm worried about her more. you know when someone does something so fricking weird and you think- uh oh she's gone- like off her rocker. That's what it's been like- from housewife to ho in 30 seconds. She's the one barely eating and she's skinny anyway. It's a proper cloud at the minute she's on my mind 24/7- is she ok, has she eaten, has she been crying and the big ones- what was and what is she thinking????!!!
I've been reading over other posts and it has been good. Even this little rant is quite cathartic!
Welcome to SI....the little fraternity that none of us wanted to join....
The healing library...read the whole thing.....its in the yellow box on the left side of this screen,......then read it again...
Also in JFO there are several posts that have targets in the margin.....sometimes they are buried on pages 2,3,4,even 5....they are well written and contain lots of information concerning boundaries, etc....
Your wifes OM...you know who he is? he married? are they co-workers? Does his wife know? Is he and your wife in any contact...any at all?? R is gonna be tough - if not impossible if they are in any contact at all...
Never forget that this bullshit is not your fault....you have zero blame.
Your marriage (if you want it to) can survive this....IF your wife is willing to do a lot of work...(like IC to determine why she chose to have an affair)...and if you are willing to give her time to overcome her "pre-affair" issues.....yes....there are some "reasons" why she had an affair.
Was it a one night stand? Several meetings with her BF over a period of time? An old BF or ex-husband? The dynamics will be different depending on what type of affair she had....
Discounting exit affairs....and affairs with old flames....she probably did it for what I call "shits and giggles"...she got her little ego stroked from the OM....she got a "high" from it - much like a junkie on crack...
Affairs are new...they are exciting...forbidden...and an escape from reality...the APs get a "rush" from cheating....good that she is getting IC...this is very important...(would not hurt you to do some IC too...).
This all takes time, bro....if you are not a patient man....you need to learn it....this is not going to go away in a few sessions with a good shrink....and a couple of rounds of HB...it takes time....at the least, a few months...maybe even years....but it can be overcame.
Watch out for the "infidelity diet"....it will sneak up on you--hell, I lost 45 pounds over few short months....eat, drink liquids (beer does not work)...exercise helps...
Did your wife confess....or did you "catch her"?
Is she being remorseful....dude, I mean "truly remorseful"??? A simple "im sorry" will NOT cut it.... Me?....until I got a "snotting, blubbering, crying, im so sorry I hurt you, mascara dripping off her chin" apology....I did not believe my marriage had a chance..
Good luck, bro.....
Keep us posted....
You will survive this bullshit - one way or another....
It happened so quickly it was like bullets!! We had a little argument- not even a big one!! She went out, stayed at her Mum's and came back. We were ok (I thought) then she went out again a different night- she came home that night and had a shower and I thought it was weird but- trust- it's a powerful thing! Went out again- came home, acted a bit odd- more odd than normal! She was awake most of the night and I was asking what was wrong- "nothing, I just love you"- So I was thinking yeah there's defo something up! I didn't know what though- I didn't think she would cheat on me and then a week after she told me.
At that point it was so shocking I couldn't believe it. I did not want to talk about it. Then I had this urge to know EVERYTHING!!
She's more of a die slowly and painfully inside kind of gal- there's no snot or blubbering but fuck me she looks like shit.
It kills me and she doesn't talk to me. She'll tell me what happened and then it's broad emotional strokes- "I love you" - "please don't go" - "I'm so sorry" - I heard her say to her friend "I love him, it's me I hate" - kills me man! So worried about her.
You say your wife is here and I think I know who she is from her posts in the wayward forum. I have read her posts and she seems to be willing to work on herself and make sure she irons out her issues. I get from both your posts that you want to still be together. You both can be on SI and heal individually and together as a couple.
But, there are some things in her posts which were quite disturbing. And then you mention -
fuck me she looks like shit.
Why would you say that about your wife? Did you always think this way, even before you found out? Why did you marry her in the first place if you think she looks like shit?
She mentioned that you do not want her go to IC to figure out her issues. If true, why?
Approving of other men talking about her like a sex object?
She mentioned you laugh and approve of stuff like some other men masturbating thinking about her. Really?
See, I might sound harsh, but this is something you need to look into. I am even not taking her posts as the absolute truth. And the above things are certainly not to provoke fights between you and your W. Just that I found these things disturbing and thought you should know that it is not the way to treat one's spouse.
Her ONSs are not your fault. But, stopping her from working on herself, fixing her broken-ness and becoming a better person is doing no good to either of you. There are other aspects of your relationship and your attitude towards her that you would also need to dig into if you want to R and have a successful M. You both need to talk honestly and respectfully to each other. A LOT.
So worried about her
I was also very worried about my W when I just found out. I wanted to save her. Not possible. She is the only one who can save herself. Ditto to your wife. You work on your healing and let her work on hers.
This is a long journey. Best of luck!
[This message edited by CrappyLife at 7:25 AM, April 11th (Thursday)]
Don't know where we are headed..
If you decide to work on your M, I see some good things in your post:
My wife is on here somewhere
My wife's starting on with counselling
She told me in January and she did it in January.
I second the other posts, even if she is not ready for MC...I would start IC for you. This is a lot to deal with.
She is a very very beautiful girl, woman. She is absolutely stunning and there's nothing that could make me think otherwise. When I said "like shit"- I meant she looks sad, incredibly sad and hurt, like she hasn't slept. She barely eats anything at all. It terrifies me.
I definitely don't "approve", I can't do anything about it!!! A studio down the road held an anonymous vote for who in the 4 studios they do it over- that's what she'll be referring to and I did laugh it off because what else could I do?? It's not like I voted!! I joke around and if it hurts her so much why doesn't she just say something to me- her husband???
I didn't initially want her to go on her own to counselling because I was scared. Scared they might suggest leaving me or even more importantly- her family is like suicide city- but she's probably mentioned that too!!! I changed my mind about it because ultimately I love her and know she needs to talk or just be able to without looking at me to speak for her!! I hate having to do that I totally hate it. I went with her to the doctors to "support" her- she said about 4 words and then looked at me! I end up saying how I'm not going to talk for 30 seconds so to avoid an awkward silence, speak!!
I feel weird as hell right now- maybe it's just me she can't talk to.
[This message edited by idiot85 at 8:11 AM, April 11th (Thursday)]
You do not need to know her username or even read her posts if you dont feel like doing it. Fully upto you. In fact, at this stage, the healing should be separate and you both should talk it over before posting here. My wife and I are also both on SI, but we make sure we are not communicating via SI or even posting something the other is not aware of at all. Talk first and then seek help on SI is what we do.
I got the feeling that there is quite a communication gap between the two of you. And hence I mentioned in my previous post that you both need to work on it and talk. She needs to be comfortable talking to you. Was she always not comfortable sharing and talking about her feelings to you? Or is it just after D-Day? How was your relationship before her As?
Gently, but IMO, I would be really disgusted if such a vote was held and my wife was even in it. Joke about it - No way! I think it is demeaning to a woman. You should be showing disgust and comforting her instead.
Good that you agreed for her to go to counselling. I must have missed that part. Try to make sure you guys talk about her counselling sessions and her progress. This will also help alleviate your fears about her leaving you. It will also give you confidence in her ability to see both of you through this.
It is sometimes easier to talk about your deepest fears and insecurities on an anonymous forum like this. Pouring out and seeking support from unknown people is easier because even if they judge you, they dont know you! WW also found it easier posting here initially than talking about it in real life. With some work, it will be easier for both of you to communicate with trust and share your deepest feelings with each other.
Frankly, as EvenKeel mentioned, your WW came and confessed a week after it happened. That is really HUGE. I might be wrong, but some amount of tini-tiny credit should be given to her for that. I found out after 6 years! 6 fucking freaking long years! And it was with a friend of mine.
Again, sorry, please relax and talk to your wife when both of you are together. Better communication between the two of you can only help.
Good that you think she is beautiful and stunning.
[This message edited by CrappyLife at 8:42 AM, April 11th (Thursday)]
Although this is the most awful place to HAVE to be, it is the most productive, supportive and cosseting place anyone like you and I could hope to end up. Take heart.
My Mum used to say, "if you don't know what to do, don't do anything until you do", so give yourself time to breathe.
We are all in the same place, and there is such an enormous amount of empathy and support for you here, please take advantage of it.
She used to talk to me a bit- she told me about the suicide stuff and she hadn't talked to anyone about it before at that time, then after her brother she did talk a bit but not much- don't want her going the same way- if I mention it she talks, she almost shouts (it's almost like- achievement unlocked)it's nice to hear her voice!! She's become more introverted with time for sure- she was a party girl when I met her but she can be now- but scratch the surface and behind laughs and interests- she is deep deep deep- I doubt she even knows what's buried in there!!
We had a shitty xmas/new year loaded with stress and that's when it all went south.
I can't imagine what it must be like to have been a friend- love is crazy. I do appreciate her telling me- and I told her that to try to encourage her to talk more- no matter how bad it is. I want to communicate with her all she does is listen and agree!!!! "The biggest single problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place"- George Bernard Shaw's great quote.
That vote was demeaning and I didn't like it but I did shout my mouth off about it- it's just the way I deal with stuff- laugh it off- join in even- disappointingly encourage it too
Diva: Great advice, thank you- I'll remember that. My thumbs get carried away and I text nonsense!!! What, do I expect her to reply "well this is why..." duh!
[This message edited by idiot85 at 9:58 AM, April 11th (Thursday)]
She can be a head-turner and have boundaries. Then, you wont need to worry. That is for her to figure out and you cannot help her do that.
but scratch the surface and behind laughs and interests- she is deep deep deep- I doubt she even knows what's buried in there!!
Your wife sounds a lot like mine with regards to the getting 'more introverted with time'. When I met my WW, she was happy-go-lucky and confident. She was out-going, used to talk a lot, did not want to sit at home, always go out on trips or just hangout with friends. Slowly and especially over the last 2 years, she became distant and a completely different person. She did not want to go out even when I coaxed her to, did not want to speak to me even after I begged her to speak to me, always wanted to sit at home and watch soaps on TV, did not look forward to go on vacations, yada yada..
After D-Day, she was scared to talk to me. I used to shout and get angry and cry and still she was not willing to talk. Slowly, I realised that I need to make her feel comfortable. Get her in that 'talking' zone. Took about a couple of months. For example, if she reveals something, just listen, do not react immediately. Reacting immediately will set her back. If you want to talk about it, bring it up later when both of you are calmer. I am not saying that you should not vent to her. You are completely justified in your venting about the A. She will also get advice here to deal with your anger and your outbursts.
Then, came a stage where WW used to talk only when I talked to her. Otherwise, she was in a shell and used to avoid awkward conversations, which used to upset me. Looked like rug-sweeping to me. I told her one day that this is my problem. I think she posted on SI about it and spoke to her IC also. She got some advice and now she comes and speaks to me about things herself. No need of prodding. I still need to keep my calm to make her feel comfortable about talking and expressing herself openly.
Her seeking help on SI and with her IC has helped her. She is still a work in progress. She is peeling off the layers of the onion and a lot of shit is still coming out. Hope your wife can also dig deep, get it out there and make it work for her.
it's just the way I deal with stuff- laugh it off- join in even- disappointingly encourage it too
You know better now that the way you deal with it causes her resentment and she might not feel comfortable saying it to you. The thing about this shit is that it forces the BS also to look at themselves and change.
It sucks, its not fair, but good luck with your journey as a BS!
[This message edited by CrappyLife at 10:29 AM, April 11th (Thursday)]