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Newest Member: mamaof4 (44197)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: First Post... Hello
idiot85
♂ Member
Member # 38934
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, April 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No worries mate- of course I was going to reply. I should be working instead I'm reading and reading and typing and typing some more! I just had a wobble but I'm alright now!

The wife's mate said the thing about reacting too- they've been best friends since they were babies! she said don't react because she'll think I'm going to make a big deal out of it and that's her nightmare- her mate said when she tells her something even if it would normally shocking she just listens and nods- it seems to work- they're like sisters! It's different for girlies though.

It is definitely upsetting not being spoken to about shit and when they go into their shells I don't think they realise how hurtful it is.

I regret how I dealt with that vote shit and what I do now and loads of other stuff- I was joking along and now some of my mates think she must be that type of bird- she isn't. My wife is definitely not easy as fucked up as it sounds after recent events!!

At lunch today I said something I wished I hadn't- I can't stop myself from making a joke out of stuff. I ended up having to say to her "I didn't mean that".

She replied to my text btw- with "blah blah blah"- I know it's avoiding and not good really but it properly settled me down a bit. She was being humourous and it was the best case scenario for today. She's so sad and withdrawn, if she does anything funny it cheers me up!!

I don't know about you but I can't take deep drawn out discussions every single day. It might be different for me because it's one way- only me talking probably doesn't warrant 'discussion'!

I hope she isn't getting a hard time on the "other side" though. I have a feeling she hasn't been inventive with her username and I think I saw it pop up... She must have commented on someones post! Not looking though- I want it to be the right way. She might recognise me as "idiot" though haha!!


BH-29 (me)
WW-28

Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.


Posts: 575 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty
CrappyLife
♂ Member
Member # 37630
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, April 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I still read and post on SI instead of working. Work has kinda become secondary.

It is definitely upsetting not being spoken to about shit and when they go into their shells I don't think they realise how hurtful it is.

With time and rebuilding of trust and open honest communication between both of you, she will realise the hurt of not talking to you and going outside the M to fill the void. Once the realisation sets in, she might get more committed to you than ever.

I can't take deep drawn out discussions every single day.

Oh! This shit will suck the last ounce of energy from you. And then some more. Strap on.

Realising your mistake and apologising to her is a step in the right direction.

Dont try to fast-track the process, process your feelings and take your time to heal.

I hope she isn't getting a hard time on the "other side" though.

Well.. Let me just tell you that the former waywards out there a bunch of hard-asses. (No offense meant to the FWSs. ) It is tough and pretty intimidating being a newbie WS out there. The former waywards will call bull-shit pretty quick and beat the new WS on the head with 2x4's until they 'get it'! Kinda necessary when you are a new WS. If I were a WS, I would have run out of there faster than Usain Bolt.

Dont worry about her having a 'hard time'. she will be fine at the end of it all.

[This message edited by CrappyLife at 1:32 PM, April 11th (Thursday)]


BBF-turned-BH: 28 (Me)
WGF-turned-WW: 28 (EmotionalFool)
POS1: a 'friend'? WW believed it was my 'best friend'!
POS2: her senior at work!
Together - 6 years
Married - 1.5 years
D-Day- 15/10/12

Don't know where we are headed..


Posts: 276 | Registered: Nov 2012
idiot85
♂ Member
Member # 38934
Default  Posted: 5:33 AM, April 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm finding it tough because I think mine is an unusual situation.

I'm up and down- I'm fine for a while and I don't bring it up then I can hear my voice asking the same questions that she doesn't answer and it has us both completely exhausted. It must be time that's really needed for me.

I'm not naturally good at apologising but I'm working on it!!

The Mrs is actually a shit liar- that's a positive!!

I wish I knew who the other men were though- I don't know why I want to know but I do!! I keep wondering if I've met them or know them- like I said I know one!! How could I find out though??!


BH-29 (me)
WW-28

Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.


Posts: 575 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty
CrappyLife
♂ Member
Member # 37630
Default  Posted: 6:31 AM, April 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First, let me tell you - Everything you have written is normal for a new BS.

Everyone's situation is different, but the basic contours of infidelity are the same. Unusual? I think not. If you stay on SI for a few weeks, you will find all kinds of situations. See the counter for the number of members. And this is just a tiny percentage of people who find out, then seek help, find SI on the net and then find the courage to register.

Have you heard that the days/months/years after infidelity is called a 'roller-coaster'? One hell of a fucking unpleasant roller-coaster. Up and down is a part of the journey. You think you hit rock-botttom and then some day you will go more down. Try being happy with the ups. Try holding on to them a little longer. Yea. Time will help. I read this quote on SI itself (dont know who posted it) and its very important - "It is not the time, but what you do with the time is what matters." Get on your path of healing independent of your WW.

And about your urge to know about the other men (lets call them piece of shit), its perfectly normal. I knew both the POSs and had the urge to know each and every detail. Took me about 2-3 months to get everything from my WW. Things still come up and she is pretty honest. Uncomfortable but honest. Think about it and if you want to know, your wife has to tell you if she wants a successful R. You have a right to know what you are reconciling with. She cannot rug-sweep if you want the details. You decide the level of detail you want to know and she has to try her best to remember things and be truthful. 'I dont know' and 'I dont remember' is plain bull-shit. They always know. It is just that they do not want to tell. Your wife is the best source of information to find out. Most probably the only source.

[This message edited by CrappyLife at 6:33 AM, April 12th (Friday)]


BBF-turned-BH: 28 (Me)
WGF-turned-WW: 28 (EmotionalFool)
POS1: a 'friend'? WW believed it was my 'best friend'!
POS2: her senior at work!
Together - 6 years
Married - 1.5 years
D-Day- 15/10/12

Don't know where we are headed..


Posts: 276 | Registered: Nov 2012
idiot85
♂ Member
Member # 38934
Default  Posted: 6:56 AM, April 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She's told me everything she knows- I believe her- I got EVERY detail out of her and some details I regret knowing! She can't remember the names of 2 of them- she didn't know the name of the other 1- I told her his name!! I've made her describe what they look like and everything!!! Fucking hell mate I know more about their bodies than mine!!!

The better side of me thinks how they didn't know she was married etc etc- the other part fantasizes about ripping them to shreds!!!

I keep seeing about affairs and emotions and my wife just got fucked up and then got fucked. The not taking the name shit kills me- I don't know who SHE is!!

That time quote is good- I like it. When we're spending time together I come out with shit then think why did I say that???!!

I now know how to get her talking in the most unproductive way imaginable- it's like I said before though- achievement unlocked! Sometimes I just need to hear a raised voice from her and if I say I'm worried she'll take her life then she starts talking- loudly!! It doesn't help us though- I did it last night! To be fair though her brother told ME how suicide's bullshit and selfish etc then 3 months later- he's gone too! It's her family mate they all do it. Scares the shit out of me!! That's why she's so messed up! Now it's like well you really have to talk- talk!!!

I don't like roller-coasters!


BH-29 (me)
WW-28

Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.


Posts: 575 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty
CrappyLife
♂ Member
Member # 37630
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, April 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nothing much to add, excpet that if you think she is suicidal (and it runs in the family), make sure she talks about it to you and the IC. Talking about something takes the sting out of the thought. It will become less likely that she does it once she talks about it. Your kids need a mother.

My WW also had sucidal thoughts and I was shit scared. I told her "Are you thinking that suicide will solve and fix the problem? Tell me how?" No answer. Also made her speak to her IC about it. Now she does not talk about it at all.

I don't like roller-coasters!

I love roller-coasters. A roller-coaster like this one. NO. Thanks. Strap on anyways.


BBF-turned-BH: 28 (Me)
WGF-turned-WW: 28 (EmotionalFool)
POS1: a 'friend'? WW believed it was my 'best friend'!
POS2: her senior at work!
Together - 6 years
Married - 1.5 years
D-Day- 15/10/12

Don't know where we are headed..


Posts: 276 | Registered: Nov 2012
idiot85
♂ Member
Member # 38934
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, April 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Felt the need to add- so I don't piss her off!!! No I don't think she would do that- but it provokes a massive reaction from her if I say it and after hours of her being muted, I say it to goad a reaction out of her- not good I know!!!


BH-29 (me)
WW-28

Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.


Posts: 575 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty
Topic Posts: 27
Pages: 1 · 2

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