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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I don't understand.
rumorhasit
♀ Member
Member # 38943
Default  Posted: 3:10 AM, April 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for the feedback!

I just remind myself of all the things I don't miss about him... they're trivial things, but it helps.

I'm looking into volunteering once a week at the food bank. And doing other stuff that I never did because I was so focused on family stuff and worrying that I didn't have sex w him enough that I never truly took time for myself to be me and not just mommy and sex.

I know I am facing my issues head on. I will eventually be okay. I don't know why he thinks he will find happiness and emotional health in the bed of this homewrecker who goes after taken men. But i know he won't.


BGF- 30 (me)
WXBF- 30 (him)
Last Dday- 4-8-13, he left for OW#2
Us- 1 DS 3yo, Him- 1 DD 7yo

Mrs. Robinson- 41, S but still M

"You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." - Christopher Robin


Posts: 205 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Southern California
rumorhasit
♀ Member
Member # 38943
Default  Posted: 8:00 PM, April 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just realized something... the last time WBF and I had sex was two weeks ago tonight... he finished abnormally fast, apologized, but didn't try to please me after that. Now that I think about it, I'm not sure he actually finished. Because he thought I was trying to get pregnant again. He was afraid to sleep with me. That woman is poison... he is gullible and weak and selfish... sigh... I wish he could see what things really are.


BGF- 30 (me)
WXBF- 30 (him)
Last Dday- 4-8-13, he left for OW#2
Us- 1 DS 3yo, Him- 1 DD 7yo

Mrs. Robinson- 41, S but still M

"You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." - Christopher Robin


Posts: 205 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Southern California
hatefulnow
♂ Member
Member # 35603
Default  Posted: 8:07 PM, April 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry for your pain. No advice except hang tough and don't take any crap. Good luck. We're here for you.

Posts: 119 | Registered: May 2012
hatefulnow
♂ Member
Member # 35603
Default  Posted: 8:08 PM, April 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry for your pain. No advice except hang tough and don't take any crap. Good luck. We're here for you.

Posts: 119 | Registered: May 2012
rumorhasit
♀ Member
Member # 38943
Default  Posted: 9:04 PM, April 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't feel tough today. I feel like unwanted crap.


BGF- 30 (me)
WXBF- 30 (him)
Last Dday- 4-8-13, he left for OW#2
Us- 1 DS 3yo, Him- 1 DD 7yo

Mrs. Robinson- 41, S but still M

"You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." - Christopher Robin


Posts: 205 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Southern California
rumorhasit
♀ Member
Member # 38943
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, April 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm doing better today... focusing on 180 projects and not on him and why he is so messed up...

I have a date tonight... nothing serious, just going for fun, and to prove to myself that I will not just be waiting for him to pull his head out of his ass... and okay, I'd like him to know that too, but I'm not going to just offer up the info because that makes it seem manipulative. Its not, its just me opening up my life, my horizons, beyond kids and XWBF. I let them be my world, but I need my own world now.


BGF- 30 (me)
WXBF- 30 (him)
Last Dday- 4-8-13, he left for OW#2
Us- 1 DS 3yo, Him- 1 DD 7yo

Mrs. Robinson- 41, S but still M

"You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." - Christopher Robin


Posts: 205 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Southern California
rumorhasit
♀ Member
Member # 38943
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, April 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really need to stop looking at facebook... bleh.

The nice thing is, I know anything on fb is really meant for me to see. He's never been the fb pda type, and he could easily have texted her that. He probably heard I had a date last night (through the grapevine which is the only way I want him hearing that sort of thing) and wanted to try to get at me. I feel special. :)

Maybe she even suggested he post that. He needs to figure out that the separated, not yet divorced, so upset over two nights and three months of deluding herself about his friend who is in a relationship that she took twelve weeks off work, went after another taken guy, woman is not who you want to be taking relationship advice from! She's an immature failure!

All but one of his friends hate her. Hated her before any of this. They can't all be wrong about her, I do not know why he can't see that.

I wish I could drag him out of the fog so at least I was dealing with a reasonable person.


BGF- 30 (me)
WXBF- 30 (him)
Last Dday- 4-8-13, he left for OW#2
Us- 1 DS 3yo, Him- 1 DD 7yo

Mrs. Robinson- 41, S but still M

"You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." - Christopher Robin


Posts: 205 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Southern California
heforgotme
♀ Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, April 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Because he thought I was trying to get pregnant again. He was afraid to sleep with me. That woman is poison..

I was thinking about how she focuses on that and wondering why. Like is she projecting? Is that her goal so she wants to make sure you don't do it first? Or is it showing some jealousy that you're younger than her? For some reason this is just sticking in my head....


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1065 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
rumorhasit
♀ Member
Member # 38943
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, April 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

heforgotme, allegedly she cannot have any more children. Actually, XWBF said that as a point against her when he was telling me she was "just a friend"

Two weeks later he was telling me he wanted no more children (too expensive) and wanted a vasectomy. I said I didn't think there was a reason to make such a drastic decision right now but that I wasnt sure I was done having children... so of course I would secretly try to get pregnant immediately!

I don't know why he is so brainwashed... but I hate it, and that woman.


BGF- 30 (me)
WXBF- 30 (him)
Last Dday- 4-8-13, he left for OW#2
Us- 1 DS 3yo, Him- 1 DD 7yo

Mrs. Robinson- 41, S but still M

"You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." - Christopher Robin


Posts: 205 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Southern California
rumorhasit
♀ Member
Member # 38943
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, April 20th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Its Saturday. So he asked to see DS. We met at the mall (he has no car seat and i wouldn't let him take him anyway.) I stuck around to finish my lunch and kissed DS and went shopping. They played in the kiddie place and rode the mall train. He walked us to my car and put DS in. Oh and gave me a CS check. Depositing that asap.

I kept my cool. I was relaxed yet... not focused on him. I think the only time a shadow crossed my face was when I asked him why his hand was scratched up and he said "Oh, she has a cat." I flinched slightly but then kinda laughed. He is not a cat person. He seemed uncomfortable mentioning her. He never says her name.

I think I did well. I am moving on. He already did, so really I am just catching up.

I felt almost high afterwards, very upbeat. I was strong. I was victorious.

The best revenge is to live well.


BGF- 30 (me)
WXBF- 30 (him)
Last Dday- 4-8-13, he left for OW#2
Us- 1 DS 3yo, Him- 1 DD 7yo

Mrs. Robinson- 41, S but still M

"You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." - Christopher Robin


Posts: 205 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Southern California
Housefulloflove
♀ Member
Member # 38458
Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, April 20th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He sounds like a delusional piece of crap. I bet the fantasy land he thought he was running off to is already looking more like a nightmare.

I can't believe that he said he would consider going back to you after you worked on yourself. As if he is some sort of prize you lost...ugh!

You're doing a great job! Much better than me at the beginning. It took me a couple of weeks to grasp onto just how full of sh*t my WH was right now. I hope you feel stronger and more secure with every passing day!


Me-29 Starting over
ExWH-29 Probable NPD, PA, manchild
3 beautiful young children
DDay 1/20/13 Admits PA
No remorse so NO R. DIVORCED! 9/2013

Posts: 541 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
rumorhasit
♀ Member
Member # 38943
Default  Posted: 8:05 PM, April 20th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sadly it helps that this ain't my first rodeo... but this is the worst one for sure. I'm over the shock now mostly and picking myself up.


BGF- 30 (me)
WXBF- 30 (him)
Last Dday- 4-8-13, he left for OW#2
Us- 1 DS 3yo, Him- 1 DD 7yo

Mrs. Robinson- 41, S but still M

"You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." - Christopher Robin


Posts: 205 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Southern California
heforgotme
♀ Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, April 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I felt almost high afterwards, very upbeat. I was strong. I was victorious.

Too bad we don't have a clapping smiley!

Yay for you!!!


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1065 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, April 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HI Rumor Has It,

Just wanted to wish you well in finding support. I do a lot of thinking as you do and have had similar things happen with STBXH. One of the hard parts has been his nastiness to me during S and especially when the A came to light. He turned on me and defends and protects OW to the point of yelling at me-this was months ago, I don't bother anymore.

180 is the best thing I've done since the A occurred. It's believed that my STBXH needed an ego boost and OW did that, so I for sure don't want to be on the other side whining at him or give him more reasons to make up crap about me. That was really hard to arrive at, but I'm getting there.

It was also the hardest thing I ever did to serve him divorce papers, because I'm a "lifer" in marriage. Part of me died on DDay that I don't know if will ever return and he knows that, yet did it anyway.

I also question people at church about WS and the pain they know they will cause but do anyway. I am a church organist though not overly religious and STBXH is an atheist. When we got married I was so young I didn't do a ton of thinking on what the backgrounds really meant or what impact could be had on M.

Anyway...it's my hope that you'll be able to find a confidant, especially a counselor. I finally have a good one who sees the forest for the trees and it was on the very first session she said, "that's one very broken man who hides very well." And she talked about how even though he is physically with OW, he will likely do the same thing to her at some point. He can hang on for years but come crashing down and will turn on those closest to him, with P/A, S/A and narcissisim.

When I learned of these personality traits and terms, it was the first glimps of any knowledge that it wasn't all my fault and really, nothing on this planet would have stopped him.

I don't know if this helps anyway but it takes some of the pressure off myself and trying to berrate myself figuring out what in hell I could have done to save it. That was also one way to ease pain.

I also list things I don't miss or that are really hard when he was around. The critism is a biggie and walking on eggshells is on top of the list.

I'm sorry for your loss and hope you will find some comfort soon.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess


Posts: 2134 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, April 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also or P.S., people with such personality traits as NPD, P/A and S/A are some of the ones that have affairs outside their primary relationship because they think that changing the people around them will cure their problems.

This helps them not have to look inside and self-reflect, which for some people is way too hard and simply too real.

SI has some terrific threads with these traits and it's a huge help when the insight comes.

It also helped me with other relationships in my life, mother, sister, brother.

Not all people with those traits will have an A and I don't want this message to read as that, for its not what I meant. It just may be a clue to your WH and some things to read/work on without actually being involved with him.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess


Posts: 2134 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
rumorhasit
♀ Member
Member # 38943
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When he cheated bsck in September, it was less involved, and when I said I wanted out he got upset. He said, No damn it, I want to fix this, I want to work on things! He gave a shit. Not this time. :(


BGF- 30 (me)
WXBF- 30 (him)
Last Dday- 4-8-13, he left for OW#2
Us- 1 DS 3yo, Him- 1 DD 7yo

Mrs. Robinson- 41, S but still M

"You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." - Christopher Robin


Posts: 205 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Southern California
Topic Posts: 56
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