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Newest Member: HurtCat (45338)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Wife had one night stand and I am having a rough time
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, April 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also so think your marriage will get past this roadblock, but I suspect that if your wife goes away for a month, as she suggested, she may have further adulterous sex probably with the OM.
Good sex [maybe some EA after all] can be addictive. Remember her looking at the OM's picture for a long time - somethings not right here as other SI members have said.
Also you need to stop believing her every word; cheaters lie to present the most favorable image and you have already caught her out on a few lies.

Remember what we said about trust; she's not there yet and to mention going away for a month is a very suspicious statement to make.
Your attitude should be no way; we will stick this out [it can take years]; this is the fall-out from screwing around and you need to swallow the medicine.
At the same time you need to dial back a lot on these conversations and take the pressure off. Use SI to talk with.

I repeat, I think your WW has marriage issues; maybe some approaching mid-life crisis and if she goes away she may very well cheat; discreetly.
In any event you would be very foolish to trust her. Too soon after D-Day.


Posts: 1748 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
nomistakeaboutit
♂ Member
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, April 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's obvious that you love your wife very much. It seems like you two can make it through this. It also sounds like your W is setting the boundaries versus you. Here's an alternative to consider.

You and she go away, together, for a week. During that week, you agree to not talk about the affair. The purpose of the trip is to relax, have fun and enjoy each other.

Her moving out for a month seems like the wrong direction to me. It will create distance between the two of you, which seems like the opposite of what your marriage needs.

Good luck.


Me: BH 58.........Her: WW 45
DD: 8..........DS: 5
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
...................................
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 953 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
toby
♂ Member
Member # 10337
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, April 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ain't it funny that she's tired of "re-living" details of her affair with you, yet she can stalk the OM...for hours at a time.
Of course now she needs time "alone". Not good. Lawyer time!

Posts: 1545 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Texas
numb&dumb
♂ Member
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, April 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Her moving out for awhile is a bad idea. Would you really trust her to be on her own for a month. What are the boundaries if she does move out for awhile. Does that make you feel safe ? She is trying to drive things, make decisions and dictate to you. She lost all those rights as soon as she choose to be unfaithful. If she wants to move out why not call it what it is, a separation and have an agreement drawn up. I got a really bad feeling about this.

If she is able to push the A thoughts out of her head while you aren't around. Sorry man, no remorse there.

She needs a break from this ? Come on. I am sure you would like a break too, but it is next to impossible to not think about it. She is running away from the mess she created and you are letting her.

Has she read any books ? Read anything from here ? Print her out some articles and ask her to read them. Other than talking to you what has she done to clean up HER mess ?

Sorry if I am being blunt, but based on what you have said, I do not see someone who wants the M to work. I think you need to take some steps to protect yourself and family.


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2559 | Registered: May 2010
toomanyregrets
♂ Member
Member # 37740
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, April 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with OK now.
The two of you need to get away alone, no kids, to reconnect. Don't seperate, that's what it is, a seperation, for a month. It will only make things worse.
She may not see the OM, but he's not the only one out there. And while your at home with the kids, what will your WW be doing? Just keep that in mind.


BH - 64
fWW - 60

"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife


Posts: 484 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Upstate NY
tdreampol
♂ New Member
Member # 38933
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, April 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well a few things I am very sure of

#1 she is very, very, very done with OM.

#2 that she will never cheat again and will end the marriage first.

#3 I believe her actions have shown that she is very serious about both of these things.

I think the get away for a while comment was just in the moment because of how horrible the topic of conversation was. We do need time alone with each other, very bad. We actually have a great time together just hanging out. But many days the triggers get the best of me and IT SUCKS. I really do now believe I have the entire story. So yes, I will extend trust but check everything. And I also agree that the hardcore talks are a bit much and I will dial that back. Man its tough but things are calming today. Still learning about SI and where to post and what to do on the really bad days.


Posts: 33 | Registered: Apr 2013
Gipper
♂ Member
Member # 32232
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, April 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I believed #1 and #2 just as you do. Hell, I knew. I was wrong.

Please listen to your head more than your heart for a while. No one on wants this to not work out for you. We really don't. But more importantly, you have many friends on here who want this to work, and have your back. Be careful


Posts: 718 | Registered: May 2011
tdreampol
♂ New Member
Member # 38933
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, April 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well the OM treated her so terrible that within a week of the night they had sex she realized that she was only a sex object to him and couldn't care less about her. One example, they once meet at a park to go on a walk I believe to talk and for my wife to put the breaks on at least until her and I where divorced, (still in the fog) she found out during that walk one of her good friends had committed suicide and my wife was a mess. She needed a friend and they went to his house, to talk and I am sure she wanted comfort and a friend in the OM. When they get there she says she got no hug, no physical touch NOTHING from OM and he proceeds to get a bottle of whip cream out of the fridge and say "this is for latter" also while they where talking he says "i had a fling with a girl when I was in fl, (work trip) I had to buy her alcohol all night to get her back to my hotel room, all I had to do with you is say you where beautiful" then went to the bedroom and tried to get my wife to follow, of course she replied "i cant do this" and left. She didn't go full NC until after she quite her job because she was worried about him pulling crap at work but she did shut his ass down pretty hard. so I do believe and have no doubt she is done with OM. as far as #2 I am 90% sure I really feel like when a SO does this it goes one of two ways they either do it again or they take their lumps, learn the lesson and never do it again. It really does seem my wife is in that camp.

Also I think I need to clarify the look at photos thing, she look at hundreds of photos really fast, like less than 30 second per photo of OM and of his Ex wife (side note OM has a young daughter how could a guy with a daughter treat women so badly?) so it really does seem more fact finding than a romantic gazing that has been suggested.

Also, thanks for telling even what I don't want to hear it is good medicine! SI is great.


Posts: 33 | Registered: Apr 2013
isadora
♀ Member
Member # 29130
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, April 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well the OM treated her so terrible that within a week of the night they had sex she realized that she was only a sex object to him and couldn't care less about her. One example, they once meet at a park to go on a walk I believe to talk and for my wife to put the breaks on at least until her and I where divorced, (still in the fog) she found out during that walk one of her good friends had committed suicide and my wife was a mess. She needed a friend and they went to his house, to talk and I am sure she wanted comfort and a friend in the OM.

This wasn't just a PA. This was and EA/PA. She may have just had sex the one evening, but this was probably building for sometime. His treatment of her did probably yank her back to reality.

Your WW is probably still struggling and waffling between regret and remorse.

FWH told me lots of stuff about OW2 that had some elements of the truth. Like he told her it was over but she just wasn't getting it. (he didn't, he hinted and tried to nice guy his way out of it, was mean to her but still liked the high he got from sneaking around with her).

He looked her and her husband up online, for weeks after NC was established because he was upset that she upheld NC. Not because he wanted to see her again, but because she was supposed to be pining over the loss of her boyfriend.

FWH would tell me a lot of not nice things about her so I would put my focus on her and her stupidity rather than on why he kept breaking NC. Are you sure she is not telling you he is stalking her and was abusive to her so you will be her Knight in Shining Armor, and stop focusing on her cheating.

I'm not saying that, she will not be a model WS. At the moment she is doing a lot of what we have seen in our unremorseful WS. We have the luxury of perspective. You are embroiled in it right now. Its a natural part of dealing with this mess.

Hang in there. This takes time. There is no shortcut, no way around the mess. you can only go through it.


Me: BW Him: WH
Married: 12 yrs
2 DDs and DSs all under 10
2 Affairs - 2010 year long PA/EA, 2008 2 month online EA
Multiple D-Days

I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.


Posts: 4509 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Back home again in Indiana
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, April 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Its pretty obvious to all of us that you really love your wife, since you seem to be putting her on a pedestal and believing nearly all of what she says.
Just keep working hard at the marriage [your wife needs lots of attention!] and have a happy life. Just don't blindly trust WW in the future and be vigilant.

All the best.


Posts: 1748 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
lieshurt
♀ Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, April 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are you sure she is not telling you he is stalking her and was abusive to her so you will be her Knight in Shining Armor, and stop focusing on her cheating.

This stood out to me as well.


Walk away from anything or anyone who takes away your joy. Life is too short to put up with fools.

Posts: 13807 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
tdreampol
♂ New Member
Member # 38933
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, April 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, there is no blind trust I verify and question, I will extend trust and rebuild. But way beyond the amount of detail I can put here, I am very sure about the OM and his actions even the small stalking and horrible behavior. I also believe it was a brief EA with mostly a PA. After discussing it here however I do believe the focus has been far to much on him and it needs to move back to me, her the A and our marriage.

In fact after she quit her job see did not contact OM at all. And of course did not see him at work or at all. He contacted her after 3-4 weeks via email and asked how she was doing. She told him to call her ASAP (I was physically present for all of this but NOT present for the actual phone call) She says in that call she went through this list of what he had done horrible to her and that it was to NC forever, period. A month later he contacted her over FB (she had already unfriended him) she told me right away and I was there when she responded again saying NC ever, and even said if he broke NC again that I would be at his door and there would be hell to pay. And then she blocked him. I agree that she is not doing everything 100% but I would say she is 80% there. But who knows if my perspective is worth a shit anyway.

Another thing that we have discussed is that she grew up with this type of emotional abuse throughout most of her extended family and she said that almost right away the OM seemed familiar in some way to her. Later see realized that it was the abuse that was familiar and not him per se. So I do believe there is something much deeper at play here.


Posts: 33 | Registered: Apr 2013
tdreampol
♂ New Member
Member # 38933
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, April 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also I want to add that I do feel that my wife actually wanted to have more of an EA than OM was capable of. She has said and I believe her that she wanted to find out if he was a good guy, and that the two of them just really messed up. I guess that would be easier to swallow than she was a sex object or "target" and that he used and manipulated her so he could get sex and status and didn't care about her well being, And honestly I understand where she is coming from.

But she found out in a hurry what kind of guy he was, and then it does appear she was out from the A in a hurry!

Believe it or not, the fact that she wanted more of an EA actually makes me feel better in a strange way.


Did I mention I am fucked in the head right now?? ha


Posts: 33 | Registered: Apr 2013
idiot85
♂ Member
Member # 38934
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, April 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No contact should be no contact. She's told him she wants nothing to do with him so why keep replying (contacting) to say no more contact- know what I mean?

If my wife reponded in any way at all I'd be angry. No contact means NO contact.


BH-29 (me)
WW-28

Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.


Posts: 575 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty
tdreampol
♂ New Member
Member # 38933
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, April 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The final thing on FB was more to put the fear of god in OM that I was a real threat to his physical safety. It made me feel better and it was agreed on by both my wife and I. Wise or not IDK but there will be nothing but ignoring from here on out. although I don't know how he could get in touch with her other than in person.

Posts: 33 | Registered: Apr 2013
isadora
♀ Member
Member # 29130
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, April 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She told him to call her ASAP (I was physically present for all of this but NOT present for the actual phone call) She says in that call she went through this list of what he had done horrible to her and that it was to NC forever, period.

Why did she tell him she was breaking up with him because of all the bad things he did rather than she betrayed her BH and she was going to focus on you and her M.

OM doesn't have to honor NC. Your WW does.

Believe me we get it. Its tough to look at our WS and realize who exactly they are.

Focus on you and what you need. Your WW needs to figure out how to get healthy on her own. Part of that would be IC to deal with her FOO issues. I know mine still does.

Hang in there.


Me: BW Him: WH
Married: 12 yrs
2 DDs and DSs all under 10
2 Affairs - 2010 year long PA/EA, 2008 2 month online EA
Multiple D-Days

I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.


Posts: 4509 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Back home again in Indiana
idiot85
♂ Member
Member # 38934
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, April 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For what it's worth- I agree with Isadora.

Otherwise it's like- well if he'd been nicer she'd be with him.


BH-29 (me)
WW-28

Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.


Posts: 575 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty
tdreampol
♂ New Member
Member # 38933
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, April 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She did tell him that as well. That our marriage and rebuilding with me after the A was primary concern and rebuilding trust ETC. He actually said to her "I hope you are married for 50 more years" but yes, man there is so much detail you just can't type. But Thanks for the thoughts, they are SOOOO helpful! and yes I think some IC and MC would be good for both, just need to raise the funds a bit.

I think the phone call was also a way to face her abuser in a way. Does that make sense?

[This message edited by tdreampol at 12:33 PM, April 13th (Saturday)]


Posts: 33 | Registered: Apr 2013
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, April 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One thing that stands out from your posts is the inordinate amount of attention you pay to the OM. Your WW did not love this guy; she may have liked him a little but that is as far as it goes.

Ok....She had enjoyable unprotected sex with him three times, risking pregnancy and disease and if he hadn't been a complete loser and jerk she would have had more sex with him and developed a EA at the same time.

Your problem is not the OM, [that could have been anybody and you're lucky he was unsuitable], your problem is why did your wife do this? What was seriously amiss with her perception of your marriage that she could walk out and cheat with someone she did not care for? Was she unhappy and why? Is she dissatisfied with her choice of husband? does she want out of your relationship?
Those are the questions to answer, not focussing on whether the OM is a stalker or not. Or whether she would f.ck him again if she had the opportunity.


Posts: 1748 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
tdreampol
♂ New Member
Member # 38933
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, April 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes I agree, to much time on OM but man it gets to you doesn't it? When i first read about A's I didn't understand how traumatic they really where. I think we had been unhappy in our marriage for a long time, both of us. At one point we had been best friends but life really got to us.

As of now, I am certain that she does not want out of the marriage as is happy with me as a husband. Giving her the gift of R also seemed to really up the love for each other as well.

To be completely honest, I don't know that she would have done anything more with this guy even if he wasn't a looser. Maybe I am being dumb, but it does seem like a perfect storm one time huge mistake. Not saying she doesn't have lots of work to do to fix things, IDK.

Man when does it get easier??


Posts: 33 | Registered: Apr 2013
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