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User Topic: New here and need help
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, April 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Its probably foolish curiosity. Plenty of guys [and women] will 'investigate' something such as adult friend finder just to get a vicarious thrill and see what photos come up. Doesn't say it would go any further.
Tell him to keep off the porn sites out of respect for you; porn can initiate adultery as we all know.

I saw a few minutes ago that you have installed a key logger. Wouldn't it be better to head off any dating site contact before it happens? Let him know what you found followed by a warning? As it is you may have to go nuclear [your words] on a man "who has been nothing but wonderful to me our entire relationship"

To be honest I do very much disagree with your approach. Warn him and tell him the marriage is over if he follows through and you will be vigilant, but don't set traps to exploit his weakness. You are going to lose out in a big way if the marriage ends as well as him.
It doesn't sound as if he has made any contacts yet, make sure he doesn't rather than digging traps for him to fall into, which could bring misery all round.



Posts: 1748 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
bunnie
♀ New Member
Member # 38953
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, April 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you OKnow for your comments, I have absolutely considered that it was curiosity with the "dating site" The history shows the same site all the time and it's a "dating" through this porn website. He has also gone to the "video chat" as well. All on this one site.
I have told myself that is what it is for the past 5 days since I discovered the history. I want it to be curiosity!!! I wouldn't know if he went to Adult Friend finder or other dating sites as I couldn't even start to try to guess an email or password he might use. I don't agree with doing it this way but if I confront him he could continue underground and I'll never know. If he's innocent then I won't find anything and he's in the clear. Everyone is weak. All people can become attracted to someone. It's how you handle that weakness that shows your character. I'm married but not dead. I don't let my mind go to other men, and I wouldn't cheat or have inappropriate contact with other men, because I'm married. I'm not exploiting his weakness. HE has gone to this site. HE has clicked on dating. I'm just seeing if he's set up accounts and followed through and that has nothing to do with me exploiting him. This is not a trap I set. I've just evened out the playing field. This is a key logger to see if he's set up an account or is chatting with anyone. If he has a weakness for strangers or just wants some "strange" I have a right to know. If I confront him with no other evidence and he goes underground and has sex with someone then I am at risk for STD. I need to know the state of my marriage. He started this not me, I'm just trying to protect myself, and my marriage.

Posts: 19 | Registered: Apr 2013
BaldwinBeauty59
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Member # 35507
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, April 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK now----you forget that cheaters lie. If he is being sneaky then warning him will do nothing except warn him to be much more careful. I know this from experience.

To be honest I do very much disagree with your approach. Warn him and tell him the marriage is over if he follows through and you will be vigilant, but don't set traps to exploit his weakness.

What??? Verifying what is going on in her marriage and her husband's internet activity is not setting a trap or exploiting him. If he is clean, no worries. If he isn't then she knows and can do something about it hopefully BEFORE he gives her a STD. I wished I knew about spyware and this site long before my DD.

ETA: just saw your last post Bunny. You are doing the right thing for the right reasons.

[This message edited by BaldwinBeauty59 at 11:59 AM, April 12th (Friday)]


Me - BW (53)
Him - WH (56)
OW - skanky whore coworker
Married 33 years
DDay1 8/10/11
DDay2 8/15/11
DDay3 8/28/11
2 grown children
Status - in R

Posts: 978 | Registered: May 2012
CheaterMagnet
♀ Member
Member # 33581
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, April 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FWIW Bunnie, I totally agree with you. I wish I'd known what SAWH was up to before he had unprotected sex with strangers. It might have protected me from the HPV I now have.

How are you setting a trap for him? If he isn't doing anything wrong, the keylogger will vindicate him just as fast as it will convict him. I don't get how that is somehow unfair or setting him up.

((HUGS)) to you. You deserve to know the truth of your marriage. We all do.


If Happy Ever After did exist, I would still be holding you like this.
All those fairly tales are full of shit.
One more fucking love song I'll be sick. ~ Maroon 5

Posts: 1037 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Kailua-Kona, HI
bunnie
♀ New Member
Member # 38953
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, April 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks BaldwinBeauty and Cheater Magnet.

I feel skeevy spying on him, but I need to know.

I just want to add that if I did this to him, he'd be beyond angry about it.

If he is innocent it will be proven out in this way, or he's already taken it underground.

If he's having and inappropriate relationship I'm just not the type of person that's going to be able to spy, try to figure out where he is at all times etc. Worry constantly about it. I just don't have the energy for that. I have a huge job with lots of stress and I'm raising a 17 year old boy. I have to be with someone I can trust. period.


Posts: 19 | Registered: Apr 2013
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, April 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Actually my comments were designed not to protect WH [not really fair to call him that!], but to make sure that bunnie does everything to avoid losing her marriage, particularly given that the marriage has been of such high quality. It is a precious commodity.

If your husband with his disturbed middle-age sex drive, [my husband too], does foolishly succumb to temptation, then you would eject him from your life in nuclear fashion and cope with the subsequent loneliness. Then you will wonder in the silence if you had done absolutely everything to turn your WH away from these date-sites whether you could have avoided this misery. If he is such a great husband then he deserves such a break. You can still monitor with your key-logger after reading him the riot act and it sounds very much as if your husband cares for you a lot and would appreciate the chance to turn away from the dark side.

Aren't marriages supposed to be about complete honesty and open communication? If your husband isn't being totally honest it doesn't say you shouldn't be.
I can't tell how wrong I feel this trap-setting is given your spouse has merely displayed curiosity. He has not given you any reason to suspect he is in an affair and you should not take this type of action until he does.

At the same time I do respect other folks divergent opinions. Its just a darn shame if this great marriage [I read your profile] goes down the tubes for a foolish decision that could be headed off. As for him going underground, he could do that after you stopped monitoring. Or do you intend monitoring for the rest of your marriage? Looks as if the trust has gone.


Posts: 1748 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
bunnie
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Member # 38953
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, April 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OKnow,
Thank you for your response! I as well accept divergent opinions.
1) He's always had a high sex drive, not just in middle age.
2)I do treasure my marriage, it is the most important relationship I have besides being a mom. It is a high quality relationship.
3)It's not my responsibly to try to deter my husband from these sites. Trust is about looking at porn and not taking it further. I've always known he's looked at porn. I trusted he wouldn't take it further. He's standing at the boundary line. I need to know did he step over the line. I'm attempting to find out if he set up an account on this site to date others. He may have already done this. We don't know. We are praying he hasn't.
4) YOU STATED:
I can't tell how wrong I feel this trap-setting is given your spouse has merely displayed curiosity.
MY FRIEND, WE DO NOT KNOW FOR A FACT IF IT WAS MERELY CURIOSITY, THIS IS WHAT WE ARE ALL HOPING FOR. HOPE ISN'T FACT. I NEED TO GET TO THE FACTS AND THE TRUTH.
5) If I find nothing I will bring up everything I know. but for now I'm not going to try to "head him off at the pass" so he doesn't make a terrible mistake. If he has done something then this marriage isn't as great as I thought it was, you see, it's his character that is in question with me now. I love him with all my heart and soul, and have never been happier in my entire life. If he's cheating on me then my relationship with him is a lie. Again, it's not my responsibility to monitor his character. I need to be able to trust him completely or I will lose respect for him. If I lose respect, it may as well be over.
I'd rather be alone and lonely than be with someone that would crush my heart and soul. Cause that isn't love.
This site is FULL of women who report that they had great and loving husbands who cheated on them. They thought they had a great marriage. If you check out the I can relate forum, under CYBER/Internet cheating, you will see messages from women in my situation who's husbands crossed over to the "dark side" while in great marriage. I've only been married to him for a few years, I don't want to find out in 10 that I made a huge mistake. At this time my wonderful husband is presumed innocent by me until I find out FOR A FACT that he has had inappropriate contact with any other women. I am not assuming guilt, I'm assuming his innocence. But I'm not going to bury my head in the sand, because oh he is such a great guy and deserves a break, if he has crossed the line, hey he isn't a GREAT GUY!!!!

Posts: 19 | Registered: Apr 2013
bunnie
♀ New Member
Member # 38953
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, April 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He has not given you any reason to suspect he is in an affair and you should not take this type of action until he does.

Just wanted to add:
YES HE HAS done something to make me suspicious. He clicked on the dating site THREE TIMES. And clicked on LIVE VIDEO CHAT. I want to know if he's talking with them or hooking up with them.
Thought is not far from deed, he's thinking about it. AGAIN, NOT MY JOB to make sure he doesn't "go to the dark side"


Posts: 19 | Registered: Apr 2013
Skan
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Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, April 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry, but when your gut is screaming at you that there's something wrong, you need to investigate it. Not sweep it under the rug, not pretend its nothing, you need to investigate it. If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, and swims, then its probably a duck.

Yeah, it may be nothing. It may be just a middle-aged guy looking a tits and ass. It may be a casual conversation with a performer on video discussing the merits of year-round schooling vice the traditional 9 months on, 3 months off. But bunnie needs to know. And I have never, not once, ever, heard of someone who was hiding their behavior answer truthfully, fully, and with cheerful honesty when asked why theyre hiding their sex sites from a spouse. Granted, there is always a first time for just about everything you can imagine, but were it me, I would not want to bet that I would be that exception. Hell, I know I wasn't the exception I got plenty of evidence that I sure wasn't married to that person. All I can say is thank god that I got the evidence when I did and confronted with evidence. Because otherwise I think, hell, I know that instead of heading out to a marriage encounter weekend with a dearly loved FWH, I would be sitting in an apartment somewhere while the divorce was settled. I thought that I had THE one guy in the world that would never betray me. I was wrong, so very wrong. And he told me, that had I not caught him when I did, that having gotten away with a ONS after escelating his porn viewing, paying for porn, paying to watch women commit sex acts, then putting up his profile to actively look for a fuck buddy, then committing the ONS, he would have continued on. And I'd have multiple DDays to deal with now.

Bunnie, you probably have only one chance to gather evidence since your spouse is an IT professional. Use it wisely because if there is any wiggle room, he can take it underground pretty easily. My FWH is an IT professional too. He didn't hide it from me because I was not all that great with computers. But I learned real fast, helped by a lot of people here. (((hugs)))


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4926 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
sparklingwater
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Member # 38792
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, April 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey bunnie I am liking your take on things. Be aware that if he has actually been up to anything and you are REALLY faced with hard decisions about staying or leaving the relationship, it isn't so easy to throw the relationship away. There is a real battle between head and heart.

Anyway.. Glad you got the keylogger working. You need to undeniably know what is going on. I was glad to read that regardless you were going to talk to him about the situation. The porn thing can desensitize them somewhat, so that they move onto a new thrill, ie dating site and live chats. He is on a slippery slope by the sounds of it, let's pray he hasn't fallen down that slope yet and that somehow you can help pull him out of it.


Newly single and trying to find my feet.

There's always light at the end of the tunnel, just pray it's not a train.


Posts: 104 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Australia
whensitover
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Member # 31207
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, April 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bunnie you are going in the right direction-Yes he HAS given you the right to be suspicious, and if you slap him on the wrist and tell him that, what he did was a no-no, MORE THAN LIKELY, as statistics have proven over and over again on this site, he will take it underground!! If it proves to be harmless, then you don't have to say a word and no harm has been done. But yes, he ABSOLUTELY did something wrong. Stay with your gut!

Posts: 452 | Registered: Feb 2011
bunnie
♀ New Member
Member # 38953
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, April 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks SKAN and Sparkling!
Skan, I think the reason he wasn't doing private browsing is because he thinks I don't know much about the computer history as well. He takes care of all things computer and I have my own laptop that I use most of the time. I just happened to jump on his this week and found the website he likes.
Sparkling: I know if I find something hard decisions will have to be made, but as I said previously, one step at a time, I refuse to be devastated about something that may not have happened.
I do feel sick to my stomach all day today and that I have to do this. One step at a time. Right now, I'm laying low and watching and again he is presumed innocent until proven otherwise.

Posts: 19 | Registered: Apr 2013
Skan
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Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, April 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bunnie, that's why I say that you have one chance to get every bit of evidence of exactly what he's doing. Once you've confronted him, the chances are likely that he will go underground technically. My XWH certainly could have if I hadn't 2x4d him from the very beginning. Heck, he still could realistically, but he's certainly built in a lot of trust in the account.

Still has a tracker on his phone, though.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4926 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
bunnie
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Member # 38953
Default  Posted: 5:28 PM, April 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks whenitsover, I appreciate your comment. You hit the nail on the head: I'm afraid he'll take it underground.

Thanks Skan! I know I have a limited amount of time, I pray I don't get busted and I'm really really nervous about when he logs in tonight, if I make it through tonight without him finding it I should be good to go. I've been acting normal and loving as always, but I'm really nervous about all of this. Especially what I may find tomorrow morning. He'll be out at an appointment so I'll be able to check when he leaves.


Posts: 19 | Registered: Apr 2013
bunnie
♀ New Member
Member # 38953
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, April 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UPDATE:
I installed the key logger on Friday and he still has no clue.

I went to bed early Fri night as I knew he'd visit his favorite website after I go to bed as he always does. By the way, he only goes there every other day or so for an hour or two after I go to bed. I've always known about this.

I'm happy to report that after being on there 2 hours, 3 chat requests from the skanks on there, he replied to none, never logged in to the site, in any fashion, has had no chats or emails or anything suspicious at all that I could find. He has no chats with anyone on FB. He hasn't logged in to his gmail at all this weekend. He doesn't do anything on his phone. Checked his calls and contacts, I know all of them. No calls to anyone unknown to me or suspicious activity.

I was probably wrong about all of this, but will continue to monitor, but so far so good.

Thanks for your support!


Posts: 19 | Registered: Apr 2013
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, April 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would think this keylogger is illegal, since it is an offence to secretly monitor another persons computer with these devices, whether software or hardware.

If your husband finds this keylogger he will be furious since he is the IT expert and you will have made a fool of him by monitoring his computer. How humiliating. .

Could end up with your marriage getting into trouble and suffering prosecution for violating federal and state wiretapping laws.


Posts: 1748 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
Chicky
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Member # 18622
Default  Posted: 8:38 PM, April 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's her computer too as it's marital property. And who gives a flip if he gets mad? He has no business on dating or any other kind of hook up sites. As for "heading him off" or warning him of what may or may not happen if he is up to no good, I don't know of any adulterers who heed "warnings". If they did there wouldn't be multiple DDay's as a result of taking affairs underground.

Exactly why are you beating her up about this? Her gut is screaming at her and like anybody with a 6th sense she's following her instincts.

[This message edited by Chicky at 8:42 PM, April 14th (Sunday)]


There's a difference between giving up and knowing when you've had enough.

Posts: 557 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Somewhere Over The Rainbow
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 6:55 AM, April 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First of all he is not an adulterer at this point in time, just a guy being inappropriately curious. Secondly it is significant invasion of his privacy which would invite an angry response if he finds out. Remember this is a very good, loving marriage, not two people already at loggerheads. There is a lot to lose.
I would doubt that that the argument that this marital property is correct. Its his computer by designation; it is recognized as such by both parties.

Has for beating up on Bunnie, I can't see how presenting another line of argument for her consideration constitutes "beating up".


Posts: 1748 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
bunnie
♀ New Member
Member # 38953
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, April 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Chicky for your post.

OKnow,
You are correct on a few details. The key logger has not found him to be doing anything except looking at his favorite website. He is totally innocent at this point in time. Still have found no chats, emails, logins to any inappropriate sites. He just pulls up the site and never has logged in. BUT I WOULD HAVE NEVER KNOWN if I hadn't installed the key logger. This is for my piece of mind, and has relaxed me so I can go on about my life without more stress and worry, and still have a very high opinion of my husband and keep my respect for him.
If he does find out I am monitoring him, I don't think he would be angry at me after I present my reasons for the monitoring. And I know he would never prosecute me for it, so that's not a worry of mine. I will keep monitoring to keep my piece of mind. Thank you for your comments.


Posts: 19 | Registered: Apr 2013
BaldwinBeauty59
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Member # 35507
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, April 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bunnie - great news and I am relieved for you. It is always better to know than not know. You did what you needed to do for your peace of mind. I am glad for you and I hope he continues to be faithful in all aspects.


OK now.....

Has for beating up on Bunnie, I can't see how presenting another line of argument for her consideration constitutes "beating up".

Bunnie stated to you her reasons for what she needed to do. She thanked you for your advice but politely refused it. YOU wouldn't let it go and tried to use scare tactics to get her to follow your advice. So yes, it does appear that you are trying to beat her up as Chicky stated. She can put a keylogger on a home computer that was purchased with marital assets. It doesn't matter that he is the primary user. If there was an ongoing divorce, the judge wouldn't say, "no Bunnie, he was the primary user of the computer that was bought using joint monies so your loss." Pretty sure that computer along with every other marital asset would be up for negotiation on division of property.

It is quiet obvious from your posts that you don't have a lot of experience or knowledge about how lying cheaters think or operate. That can be a blessing and a curse. You seem to assume that they have the same moral compass of non liars and cheaters. They don't. If you tip your hand too early, all it does is give them a heads up to be even more sneaky. They go deeper underground and continue the activity. Just ask the thousands of BS on this site, they will tell you, myself included. We know from first hand experience and have the scars to prove it.

In a perfect world, yes, you could nicely ask your spouse to not go on dating sites, use porn, or cheat on you or there would be dire consequences and they would listen to you and heed the warning. Unfortunately, in the real world that is not what happens. They learn ways to hide it better until they get caught red handed and are forced to stop. Stick around a bit longer and you will soon learn that cheaters all use the same handbook.


Me - BW (53)
Him - WH (56)
OW - skanky whore coworker
Married 33 years
DDay1 8/10/11
DDay2 8/15/11
DDay3 8/28/11
2 grown children
Status - in R

Posts: 978 | Registered: May 2012
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