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My SOs DD13 HATES her mom (XWW) right now. Its hard to tell if its legit or normal teen angst/anger. It is highly likely she's enduring some significant verbal abuse. We've had her seeing a counselor for a couple months now.

DD13 keeps threatening to run away. Counselor called after last session and indicated she was very high risk to run away and we should not be surprised. Yesterday she told my SO she was coming over this weekend (non-visitation w/e).

SO and his XWW have very minimal ability to communicate. I have slightly more.

The plan if she shows up is to contact the XWW and ask if she will allow DD13 to chill out for 24 hours and then revisit. It is highly likely that the XWW would involve the police to force DD13 home. If she won't agree is there any legal protection to allow DD13 to stay a little while until the XWW calms down?

It would be nice if she could just call your SO and ask him to come get her if she and her mom are not getting along-instead of running away. Is there any way to get her mom to attend a family session with the counselor and put some sort of a plan in place or something?

Does the Counselor talk to XWW too? Does XWW listen? Could you and SO talk to XWW about this before it happens?

[This message edited by Amazonia at 12:59 PM, April 11th (Thursday)]

unfortunately, the police can certainly force her to return home to her custodial parent, what is the age in your state for the child to have an input into custody? If she's old enough it may be worth revisiting in court and having her and her counselor weigh in. If I'm remembering right your So and his xw are very contentious in regards to the kids. I would suggest getting dd13 a phone she can use to call and text her dad with, so that she has an outlet. It's important to not vilify the xw in terms of parenting to the kiddo (I know you guys wont do this anyway) but just knowing that she can reach out to someone who loves her and wants the best for her, may be enough to help her get through until the next visitation.

I'd think she is getting to the age where she has more say in where she wants to stay. Court orders can be revised so it probably won't work in XWW favor if she tries to force the legal angle.

She is old enough to significantly contribute to a custody decision.

Unfortunately, the most recent custody battle pretty well bankrupt my SO. We are gearing up and coming up with a plan of action to pursue custody if that's what DD decides she wants. It would require a change of school ect for DD so we really want her to spend some time thinking about it and working with the counselor before we make that big of a change.

XWW is will fight us. She will not take the associated reduction in child support well. SO has to find a local job before he can pursue custody. The courts won't take kindly to it either since the last agreement was signed less than a year ago.

DD does have a cell phone. We had to put in the last agreement that XWW could have control of it and limit DD's access to it. She texts and calls SO most days which does help.

I'm just concerned with the XWW going after SO for custodial interference, the police getting involved. Mostly I'm worried about DDs mental health as a result of drama like that. Just wondering if there was any legal leg to stand on if the police get involved. So frustrating not to be able to communicate with the XWW.

Ama-

re: counselor and XWW.

We notified the XWW sometime ago that we would be employing a family counselor but were non-specific about why.

The counselor agrees that at this time it is not in the best interest to involve XWW. DD is just starting to feel safe opening up to the counselor. One issue is that she has had her privacy violated repeatedly by the XWW. DD was yelled at for an hour and grounded b/c XWW read DD's diary. Diary said that DD hated XWW and wanted to live with SO.

We're concerned that any involvement of XWW will lead to retribution by the XWW against DD. DD won't feel safe talking to the counselor and all the progress will be lost. Counselor will support SO if/when custody becomes an issue again. If the situation escalates, if DD runs away, we will call the counselor to help mediate the situation with XWW.

Hi hexed,

I am going to chime in with a little different angle.

I am the mother of a DD who put me through the ringer. I tried so hard to be a good mom to her, and now we have an excellent relationship (she is almost 18), but at 13 it could be a nightmare.

There were many times that we would fight and she would ask me if she could go stay somewhere else for a day or two to cool off. I don't know why I had such a gut wrenching reaction to this, but I absolutely wouldn't let her. Her home was with me, period. I regret that now. Through counseling I have realized that her need to separate herself from me in those situations was actually a healthy alternative to the tension and fighting in the home.

I don't know anything about what the mother of your SO's DD is really like, but I do know that parenting a teenage girl can make you lose all sense of reason. If you can talk to her, I would approach it more along the lines of giving her a break. Don't make her feel like you are accusing her of being a bad parent, just sympathize with the emotional roller coaster raising a teen can be and offer to be a partner in that ride (if she is reasonable). I would have loved to have had my DD's father take a bigger, more supportive role in raising my DD and that would have included his SO.

This is just my experience though, your situation could be totally different. Good luck, and good for you for being supportive of DD13.

We're concerned that any involvement of XWW will lead to retribution by the XWW against DD. DD won't feel safe talking to the counselor and all the progress will be lost. Counselor will support SO if/when custody becomes an issue again. If the situation escalates, if DD runs away, we will call the counselor to help mediate the situation with XWW.

Heartbreaking.

wtf--I totally hear you. I was that child when I was 13. I was horrid to my mother. She was fine as a mom and we're great friends now.

that's why we involved a counselor. I firmly believe that if we let her switch households for no good reason we are doing more harm than good. however, if its not just that she's a 13 year old girl, and it is as extreme as described we need to help her.

wtf--I totally hear you. I was that child when I was 13. I was horrid to my mother. She was fine as a mom and we're great friends now.

that's why we involved a counselor. I firmly believe that if we let her switch households for no good reason we are doing more harm than good. however, if its not just that she's a 13 year old girl, and it is as extreme as described we need to help her.

How goes the weekend?

no appearance of said kiddo yet :)

we tried a work around yesterday. I e-mailed XWW and asked if DD could join me on the first trail ride of the spring. I would pick up drop off. She said no. However, it seems to have calmed DD down. She's feels heard and valued.

XWW says DD has some obligations that she hasn't lived up to during the week. If that's the case, then XWW is fine. DD says she has no idea what XWW is talking about. That has happened before. XWW has lied to us on multiple occasions about the kids having plans or obligations.

Either way, right now DD is still mad at mom but seems calmer. Who knows.

I suspect the xWW has a point in that DD is probably not living up to some responsibilities. I suspect also that DD has a point that XWW goes way overboard when things don't go perfectly.

ETA - XWW told a third party that SO is not 'equipped' to have the kids more so she won't let DD stay more. Now I'm not sure what the heck that means. Given that there have been multiple home evals, psych evals, and parenting evals in the past 4 years. none of which call in to question his parenting or home. I think she's casting her own feelings on to the situation. He does get a bit of the Disney dad syndrome b/c he doesn't get to see them enough. The current family counselor has been really helpful for that.

[This message edited by hexed at 11:30 AM, April 13th (Saturday)]