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User Topic: Ladies who earn more than the man in their life...
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Member # 37946
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, April 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not sure hexed. I always made quite a bit more money than my x. He always claimed to be fine with it. However, when we divorced, he claimed my making more money made him feel "less a man" and was one of his reasons for having an affair. As I do make quite a bit of money, this really concerns me as I move forward and think about new relationships someday. I don't want someone who feels threatened by my success. I want someone who is proud of it. I worked hard to get where I am in my career. I don't want that to be seen as a strike against me, you know? I've been really interested by all the responses. I hope things can be resolved for you and your SO.

Me (BS)- 36
Just keep swimming, just keep swimming- Dorie

Posts: 293 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Southeastern U.S.
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Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, April 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

t/j I read the title as "Ladies who earn more than ONE man in their life" and thought...that is a positive way to think about divorce and remarriage--I've EARNED it...

I earned more than XWH. I don't think it bothered him until he was unemployed and making NO money. I think that started a downward spiral leading to the affair. At no time did he talk about it though...denial was his second language.

I think it is good that your SO brought up the thought. He sounds like he is working through the cultural crap of "Me Tarzan, you Jane". Evolution takes time

DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52

Posts: 3203 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
Member # 12050
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, April 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I currently make more than my SO however for the first 2 years that we were together he made more than me. I know it bothers him. He was brought up old school with a stay at home mom and a Dad that earned all the money. We do talk about it on occasion especially when a big bill comes in that I can easily pay. If we go out for the evening as a couple however SO always pays. Probably sounds stupid but men do derive some pride in being able to provide for the people in their lives.


Posts: 2710 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: newfoundland
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Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, April 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

its interesting, the word threatened has come up both here and irl. I may have even used it.

I don't think that is a good description of what he expressed. He's very proud of me. I can tell in more ways than just words.

It seems like its 'processing' this new situation that is different than his normal. He was definitely raised with old school values. He wasn't raised by his mom. He was mostly raised by his grandfather and great grandmother in a very conservative household. He recognizes that he doesn't need to feel that way but still can't quite walk away from that thinking yet.

But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler

Posts: 8459 | Registered: Apr 2008
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Member # 35983
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, April 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want someone who is proud of it.

And that is what it should be.

Whomever our SO is we should be honestly supportive of their accomplishments in every area without ignoring/invalidating our personal values/morals/beliefs.

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Missouri
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Default  Posted: 10:45 PM, April 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As in the book Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars it points out the importance of money to men and their esteem.

I will never discount my Masters degree nor the amount of money that I earn. I worked for it. Noone gave it to me.

As far as the male ego, I would think that your SO would be so proud to that his partner is so capable of earning such a living and is well educated and able to provide for such things.

I would allow him to pay and feed any other things that his ego desires.

I once was with a man who actually was looking for a woman to pay because he knew he did not earn a good living.

I actually hate it when I am with someone who cant pay their own way when I feel like a concert or a nicer restaurant. I certainly don't appreciate when a man is expecting me to pay because I earn more.

I guess its because I am about chivalry. I can certainly pay for my own drinks, dinner, etc. I just like a man to make me feel special.

Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
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Member # 8923
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, April 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am not earning more than the man in my life, but I certainly have more income and assets. It bothers me not at all. He seems to be OK with it so far, as long as he doesn't think I'm spending too much money. He says that he has no right to benefit from my money. I HAVE pointed out that I have more fun doing certain things with him along, so that I am the one who benefits.

In the depths of winter I finally learned there was in me an invincible summer..Albert Camus

***Used to be hit-by-a-train***
Remarried 2/14/14

Posts: 2295 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: USA
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Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, April 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i see this completely different from most of you.

i think it's a sign of maturity that he would talk over a vulnerability like that with hexed. he's identifying an emotion and thought pattern that he feels doesn't serve him. he's talking. how many people get that in their relationships? a lot of guys with that instinct can't deal with at all and get cranky and snarky and never admit there is a problem.

i made infinitely more than XH. i never cared, he was chasing a dream for the family. he pretended not to care but he couldn't handle it. so he got petty and insecure and chased skirts instead of dreams...and spent all my money doing it.

We say 'caveman instinct' sometimes like it's a bad thing. If a guy has a masculine tendency to want to provide and protect I think that's great as long as this tendency doesn't lead to behavior that restricts their female partner and as long as they don't see 'provide and protect' as just in terms of money.

how many of us have ingrained thought patterns, maybe even gender specific issues? it's FOO, it's the environment we grew up in. i'd hate to admit something funky like that about myself and have a whole bunch of people jump on my ass for admitting i have am still immature on some issues.

plus we like a touch of old fashion manners and graciousness. they come from the same place inside a man.

life must be rich and full of loving--it's no good otherwise, no good at all, for anyone - j. kerouac

Posts: 3929 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: east coast
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Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 8:05 PM, April 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We say 'caveman instinct' sometimes like it's a bad thing. If a guy has a masculine tendency to want to provide and protect I think that's great as long as this tendency doesn't lead to behavior that restricts their female partner and as long as they don't see 'provide and protect' as just in terms of money. I am sure there are ways he provides and protects and makes your life easier and happier that have nothing to do with money. Money is just like a symbol here, but there are other things he does. I would just reassure him that you appreciate all those other ways he provides and protects.

I'm in agreement with this.

That said, I have long believed that XH's behavior stemmed in part from his feelings about me having more education than he did. But in reality, I think for him that was simply insecurity about himself. I'm seeing someone now who flunked out of college as compared to my masters degree. I don't think either of us really thinks about it, ever, because he's totally secure in and happy with himself, professionally, personally, artistically, and intellectually.

Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4483 | Registered: Jun 2007
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Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, April 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just brought this same subject up last week in the LTA forum. I got a college degree when I was in my first marriage. Up until that time XWH#1 had always been the bread winner, even though I worked too. He then hurt his back and went on SSI (which isn't enough to live a good life with two children). When I got my degree all the sudden I was the one making the money, but he didn't mind spending it all day while I worked. It was really the ultimate downfall of our marriage as he was out spending my money on OW. Fast forward to WH#2. He also had no college degree, but made decent money because he had been on the same job for over 20yrs. He thought it was cool I took care of myself and my two kids. We always had seperate banking/savings accounts and paid our bills seperately. Joint bills were split down the middle.Never again was I going to let a man take my money and he felt the same way because of his ex. After being married a few years, I started to really take off in my career and started making a lot more money than him. He still acted like he was proud of me and it didn't bother him. I never knew it did until a conversation with his GF/OW. She informed me that she knew I made a lot of money and that is why he hadn't left me for her yet because she lived pay check to paycheck. I was hurt #1 because this OW knew anything about what I made and #2 that was why he was with me. He of course swear that is not the case, but now I wonder everyday if that is part of what drove him was the fact it really bothered him that I didn't need him to support me.

Since I have been through this with two different men now (maybe just them)I also wondered about how this affects men in general. Thanks for bringing this up in this forum. I think it is important to really know what a potential spouse or SO thinks about this.

M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
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