STBX had about a 2 month window where I was willing to consider R--he TT'd me to death, and still has not (20 months later) given all the details. TTing basically killed what feeling I had for him and we are definitely divorcing as there is now nothing left to save.
So I totally agree with all here who say, if you want to have a chance to save your marriage, bite the bullet and give all the details, don't drag it out either. Do it as quickly as possible.
A death of a thousand cuts is what TT is and trust me, it kills whatever is left.
I only managed to each a place of calm, when I fully believed that I had all the details and had the full truth.
If you only tell part of the story, our active imagination fills in the gaps. Anything you tell us is not gong to be worse than we have imagined and feared.
I didn't want details about positions etc. I did want to know where and ow they moved from sitting in a bar to fucking in a car. Whose car?, who suggested it? Who opened the door? I also wanted to know about his feelings. What did he feel for her then, next day, now etc.
Be guided by what our BS wants to know. Don't try to protect their feeling, because yo will fail. You have already devastated then. Telling all is A&F of the healing process
My WW has opted to lie about the scant facts she has disclosed. Has actually refused on some basic facts.
As a result, a salvageable marriage is about 45 days from being over. Well, that' s not the only reason but it's a big part of it and illustrative of the fact she doesn't "get it."
Ironically, her fear of destroying all hope is a huge part of what is killing it.
It's funny, in discussing what my response will be to disclosure will be I came out and told her - of course I am going to get pissed. Of course I am going to throw it back in your face.
But, you have to deal with it. Lord knows we deal with a lot more than our fair share.
I was very reluctant to do it - did not feel the details were going to give anything but more triggers. But I was very wrong and as others here pointed out to me - we already take choice away from our BS by having an A - we shouldn't still be making decisions about them regarding what to disclose,what to sugar coat etc.
I did in writing and would personally recommend that as a way to go - it gives you a chance to say things clearly; takes away any disagreement about who said what and when and gives the BS space to take in process, ask more questions etc.
I did think I was going to die the night I sent my full disclosure email ... I didn't ... and its been a huge and positive turning point for us. Much strength