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So I haven't talked to the ex gf in eight weeks or so since we called it quits. Well she decided more than me we needed a break because I wasn't able to commit the way she wanted. Gee...I wonder why after what I've gone through in the last 24 months. I've been really good at NC (Had lots of practice). So last night I probably did a stupid thing. I sent her a short text just saying hi and I hope she's been good, etc. Very harmless. We trade a few texts and right away she says how she's missing me...then just stops texting and leaves me hanging. I hear nothing all today. So I'm a bit peeved in a way I guess.

So get this...at 11:15pm tonight I get this text..."Hey are you home? Want some company? "

I'm like what? She says I'm on my way home from being out and was thinking of you and how nice it would be to see (sleep with) you. So I ask where she is and she says driving right by your exit. "Really?...keep going home...I'm not your booty call."

I'm sorry you saw all your friends going home with their spouses at whatever party you went to and you couldn't ask me to go, then you got lonely and sad on the drive home. Think about that when you drop your passive aggressive comments next time and hurt my feelings even more.

Wow...just wow. And people think men are the only ones that drop the booty call thing.

I'm a big fan of making booty calls - in casual relationships.

But I have never and would never, ever, booty call someone I had broken a relationship with - someone I had hurt or been hurt by.

She may be fishing rather than just looking for a warm body.

Was it the time that made you think it was a booty call rather than reaching out?

My WXW did this to me, only more to the point. Felt nice to turn her down.

This woman gets under your skin (not in a good way), makes you feel misunderstood & hurt, you got lonely and forgot that, and then you broke NC with her. Please don't be petty about her or women in general. You opened the door. And then got slapped (annoyed that she stopped texting, then annoyed that she texted late in the eve about stopping by).

Who knows/cares what her intent was. She makes you angry-ish (& likely some of that comes from you not her b/c imho you got too serious with her after your D too soon, just something to think about), so nothing good will come out of contacting her.

You might like things about her (I recall her being a good listener when you first met). But you don't like her. And every time you interact with her of late, the not liking her arises. I don't blame you. After going through the whole philandering asshat thing, I have no tolerance for even low grade manipulation and tend to go overboard in my reaction to it now in an effort to say "no more!". You seem to be there too. So recognize it and stay away from her.

(((SeanFLA)))

A couple of thoughts.

#1 - I don't think anyone has ever said that only men do "booty calls" and women never do. I see this as just more negative generalization about women from you, Sean.

#2 - You invited this. You know you needed to be NC with her (like cayc said, she gets under your skin and pisses you off, but you contacted her first).

Honestly? If a guy I had dated had been NC for a long time and then suddenly, out of the blue, and for no apparent purpose contacted me I would assume that his purpose for contacting me was essentially a booty call.

I think it is well and good that you set a boundary by telling her no ... but to be offended and pissed off that she tried? You send an engraved invitation for her to try. No point in being pissy about it now.

After many years of not having to date or start relationships with new people, many things I believe at our ages tend to be trial by error sometimes. I know I have to learn all over again. It seems like every women I've been involved with after a break up tells me they want to be "friends", including ex WW. Hell this goes back to high school! What's with that and women anyhow? Is it some way of making a break up easier? So you spend time apart and after months maybe you think this might be the better route to go or try, so yes...you reach out a bit with a friendly text. Then I guess you get stung. But you don't expect this at my age...I'm sorry. Guess when I thought about it, booty calls were for 20 yer old something's. I guess her intentions made me feel...well cheap and convenient. I'm sure she was reaching out in her way, but that's NOT the way you go about it. It's disrespectful. If you want to see me ask me out to dinner or a walk down on the beach.

And by the way...I can tell you I will never be "friends" with exWW. Who wants to be friends with someone who is that disrespectful to you by cheating and lying to you. I think being friends afterwards just doesn't work for me. There are too many emotions still involved.

I've been really good at NC (Had lots of practice). So last night I probably did a stupid thing. I sent her a short text just saying hi and I hope she's been good, etc.

I think the issue is how you started this interaction. If I did not hear from someone for awhile and it was understood that we were over, then if I got a text out of nowhere saying "hope you're doing well", I would assume it was a booty call. And if I thought the guy wanted one but was too shy to ask, especially if he was someone who meant a lot to me before, I would probably make it easy for him by doing the asking.

To start the friendship process after a breakup, don't text. Use email. Put in there the most benign stuff possible: how are you?, work is busy, had to learn X for a new project, drop me a note if you are bored.

Things are not different no matter what age you are. At any age, a call (or text) out of nowhere could be an implied booty call. At any age, a slower communique is more along the lines of friendship. With either gender, a call (or text) is more immediate and wants attention.

Yes, saying you want to be friends is a face-saving way of breaking up, no matter your age. It is more polite than "stay out of life", which is usually reserved for stalkers.

If you really want to start the friendship process with her (or anyone), use email.

Well she decided more than me we needed a break because I wasn't able to commit the way she wanted. Gee...I wonder why after what I've gone through in the last 24 months

Ah, I just saw this. I am so sorry for your pain. Are you being caustic about her breaking up with you because you are projecting your anger from your XW onto her? And since she liked you enough to want commitment, I can totally see how she may have taken your contact after 8 weeks to mean you have reevaluated and want to try again, but are gunshy about initiating. I see her text as a way of breaking the ice.

[This message edited by UnexpectedSong at 10:54 AM, April 14th (Sunday)]

OK....my world just shifted.

I never thought women did the "booty call" crap. Just seemed too....crass, arrogant, user-ness? to me and I always thought women were above all that.

I know I'm going to get slammed for this, but placing a booty call just is something I never envisioned placing, nor thinking another woman would use a guy just for vaginal masterbation.

I mean, seriously....why would you want to disrespect a guy like that??????

If you are that hard up...go buy some batteries.

This is going to give me something to think about for the rest of the day......

k9

Not every "booty call" (i.e., no strings attached sex) is a matter of being a user or crass or crude. Some "booty calls" are mutually agreed upon sexual encounters between two consenting adults. Which is absolutely okay. Even it if just amounts to mutual masturbation, if both people are okay with that then no harm no foul.

And honestly I don't think women are any better or worse than men in matters of sexual conduct. The idea that somehow women are "better than that" implies that men are somehow beneath women.

It also perpetuates the idea that women are/should be either sexually repressed or the keeper of the keys of sexual morality. Either way it is demeaning to both men and women to apply those outdated sexual stereotypes.

Aside from all of the above, I'm disturbed that she was texting while driving!

Good point, FF. I didn't even notice that.

+1 to everything SG said.

When a guy contacts me after several months apart...my first guess is that it is a booty call.

So, from a girls perspective, regardless of your intent...if you contact out of the blue several weeks later, I'm guessing you are horny. She was probably very confused about your intentions, which is why she probably stopped texting you, and I'm guessing...maybe had a drink or two at a party when she she contacted you back THINKING that is what you were after. There is nothing wrong with a booty call as long as it is mutual.

When my fSO contacted me out of the blue, it was one of the first words out of my mouth, "I'm not your fall-back FWB person. Sorry." He quickly said, "I know...."

Gee...I wonder why after what I've gone through in the last 24 months.

and ^^^^^^ isn't your ex gf's fault.

+1 more to SG's comment.

SouthernGal,

You have a PM.

Hi Sean,

Yeah, it does seem like a booty call, but is it possible that it wasn't? Like maybe she got the wrong message from your text? IDK? Just a thought.

I probably wouldn't text her again. I think it could confuse things and potentially give someone the wrong message. I'm sure she's a great girl but it didn't seem that you guys meshed well, even from the start. She doesn't seem right for you.

Then again, what the heck do I know??? I'm so inexperienced in all of this stuff! lol