So sorry you are here. I know you are in deep pain and possibly even more confusion. All that is normal and to be expected given the betrayal you have endured.
Don't be too hard on yourself right now. I think all of us have been in the position of thinking that if our spouse betrayed us, we would leave them - that for us cheating is a deal breaker. However, real life, real relationships, the investment of time, love and children often alter the equation. That is why you need to take time to process all the factors in your situation and make informed decisions based on your H's actions, not just his words or feelings.
I would add not to give the OW any power or oxygen by contacting her in any way. She is NOT part of your marriage. Give no ground here and demand NC from your H as well.
Things are slow here on the weekends, but I'm sure the vetrans will be along to offer more wisdom. Listen to them. Read the Healing Library and keep posting. Everyone here cares about you and wants to help you through this.
[This message edited by noprincess at 5:34 PM, April 14th (Sunday)]
If you have not already, please look in the upper left corner, at the yellow box, and click on The Healing Library and start reading. It's full of really good articles for you. Also read any post on this forum that has a bulls-eye on it. Also good information.
This affair has nothing to do with you. It has to do with your WHs brokenness. If he is as remorseful as you say, there are a few things that you and he need to do immediately.
1. Draft a letter (email) of NC (no contact). This should be simple and to the point.
OW, I have made a grave mistake. I do not love you. I love my wife and my family. Do not ever contact me again. I never want to hear from you again. WH Send it. If you Wh has any hesitation about this, show him your email from OW that tells you to Go To Hell with you Fricking Kids. If he hesitates after that, boot him out of the house.
2. He gives you complete transparency with all of his electronic devices. You get his passwords to his phone, his computer, SKYPE, any IM service, his bank accounts, etc. Anywhere that he might be able to contact the OW or hide money from you.
3. He sees an IC/MC immediately. One who is experienced with infidelity and whose mission is to get to the bottom of issues and preserve the marriage.
If he violates any of the above, then you have a tough choice, but one that if you waiver on, will cause you on-going pain and suffering. You need to cut him off. From the 180 and detatchment, to in-house separation, to booting him out, and in all cases, seeing a lawyer to find out what your legal rights are for yourself and to PROTECT your children. If he is not crawling on his knees to agree to whatever you need to have the possibility to save your marriage, then you need to act in a cold, swift, and sure manner. Because a pod-person has taken over your WH. He is not the person who you married. You must protect your family from that pod person until it regains it's mind or until you have successfully protected and separated your family from it.
Harsh words, I do know. I'm so very sorry. But no matter what you did or did not do in your marriage, he chose to insert a nuclear blast into the middle of it. Contain it, or suffer radiation burns. (((hugs)))
D-Day, June 10, 2012
I'm sorry you are hurting right now but I'm very glad you found us. There are a lot of people on this site that have been in your position and we will give you all the support you need.
It is good that your WH is completely transparent and I hope that he stays that way. It will be instrumental to your healing.
Please do not contact the OW anymore. It will just hurt you and give her the ego boost she so desperately wants.
It sounds like your WH is a compartmentalizer. My WH is the same way. He also said it never occurred to him that he would damage our M because he was sure I would never find out about it. It sounds stupid, but it is what it is.
There are many articles on this site that will be helpful to you and some that will help your WH realize how you are feeling and the devastation he has brought to your M. You can find them in the healing library.
Please continue to read and post. We are here for you!
One should rather die than be betrayed. There is no deceit in death. It delivers precisely what it has promised. Betrayal, though ... betrayal is the willful slaughter of hope. ~Steven Deitz
I hope you can find the support you need here while your trying to reconcile. I don't have any advice is my WH wanted the divorce and is moving his Texas skank here to live with him. We are divorcing.
ETA: I have triggers about Texas too. When I saw in the news the other day about that mass stabbing at the college in Houston, I got sick to my stomach. Not only because of the crime, but because it happened in Houston.
[This message edited by newlysingle at 11:56 PM, April 14th (Sunday)]
i just cant stand the thought of having to do this forever.
You won't. As horrible as this is now, It WILL get better. Time is going to be your new four letter word. But time is what is needed now. Time to take care of yourself... first and foremost. Time to ask the questions you need answered. Time to hopefully get yourself in IC. AND most importantly, taking this shitty mess "One Day at a Time".
I am soo ANGRY sometimes, angry at him, at her at myself for trusting so much.
I know, I know... but you need to realize that this is normal. This whole thing is a crazy roller coaster ride. Your emotions will swing in every direction imaginable for the next 4-6 months. Just try to hang on and not fall off during the ride. Do not beat yourself up over trusting him. That is what a person with morals and character does. We love and trust unconditionally so we never even think of suspecting anything bad about our life partners. That doesn't make us stupid. On the contrary, it makes us good human beings. NEVER beat yourself up over being a good person.
Even though it has been a few months I think sometimes I am still in complete shock.
YOU ARE!! Listen... you've just had your whole world blow up in your face. Who wouldn't be in shock from that!? As you continue to read here, you'll see reams of information on how this shock can linger and cause any number of mental and physical aliments. That's why it's of paramount importance to take the best care of YOU now that you can. Get into IC a.s.a.p. Don't be shy or afraid to ask your doctor for meds to help you sleep or for anxiety/depression. There is no shame in doing this as 90% of us had to in the beginning.
I am just having sooo much trouble getting over this.
This is also normal and you can't rush the processing your brain must go through because of it. On average, it takes between 2-5 years to recover from infidelity. Go to your local library or book store and look for a couple books named "Not Just Friends" by Dr. Shirley Glass and "Surviving Betrayal" by Alice May. Both will help you understand what you are feeling now.
I have talked to and texted the OW and she is completely unremorseful telling me that she is hurting too, and that I should go take care of my f&$king kids and leave them to be happy together.
No, No... AND Please! No! Do not do this anymore. Realize that this person is damaged and that you can not control that or her. Any additional contact with her will only serve to cause you additional pain and suffering. Allow her to just fade away and deal with her own broken, self centered life. She is not worth even a moment of your time as evidenced by your last conversation with her.
Good luck to you and remember to come back and post here as often as you need to. There are many here in all phases of your situation who are ready and willing to offer support.
Our MC thinks Im stuck and need to figure out a way to move forward so we have a chance.
I think you need to get another MC a.s.a.p. I'm really serious about this. It sounds like your MC has no working knowledge of what it takes to recover from Infidelity. If that is the case (and from what you stated above it is) then FIRE your MC immediately and find one who is trained in dealing with Infidelity. DO NOT put up with anyone who says things like "you need to figure out a way to move forward." or You need to get over this already." Please know that is total bullsh!t and you do not have to listen to, or believe a word of it!
Im still triggering daily over any mention of Texas, Vegas or the songs they sent to eachother I cant turn the radio to country because she loved country and told him to download the new george stait song "give it all we got tonight" and i found it on his phone
This is also normal and one of the worse things to deal with in Infidelity. Know that you will continue to trigger for sometime to come. As you begin to process each trigger, they will begin to subside and others will then take their place. Also, don't be surprised if the triggers evoke panic attacks (see my handle). One thing that helped me with triggers was to try to mentally envision then associate something different about whatever I was triggering on. If it's Texas for you, when the trigger comes up, try and mentally envision flowing oil or cattle or cute cowboys... whatever will work to change the mental picture from bad to good by re-associating it in your mind.
[This message edited by PanicAttack53 at 1:27 AM, April 15th (Monday)]
Please get checked for STD's and also your WH needs to be checked as well. So sorry for you and your children. I hope he is truly remorseful and not just regretful, time will tell. How does he feel now knowing that he effed a whore that tells his wife to take his effing kids and go away to leave the two of them to be happy? I want to slap him for you.
I found her facebook and twitter and she posts pics of herself daily, and I cant stop looking. My MC said to stop that it is not helpful in moving on but i feel like I need to for some reason. Im still triggering daily over any mention of Texas, Vegas or the songs they sent to eachother I cant turn the radio to country because she loved country and told him to download the new george stait song "give it all we got tonight" and i found it on his phone. Our MC thinks Im stuck and need to figure out a way to move forward so we have a chance. I just cant stop going over the details in my head. I asked him about everything from positions to detailed conversations. Things like him talking and texting her xmas eve and morning, my birthday, new years, before and after our girls xmas concerts,that stuff REALLY bothers me, as well as all the pics he sent her of himself and even some with our girls. Sorry to vent, i guess I am still stuck. lol
Hmmm. I think your MC lacks experience in this. I did EXACTLY the same thing you did. In fact, your WH's A sounds very much like my WH's.
I found out everything I could about MOW. Saw her Facebook, LinkedIn, every website she posted comments or reviews on and Pinterest. I was able to discern a LOT about her personality and also the fact that she had been stalking me online long before I knew she had existed.
Eventually, after I beat the subject to death (figuratively speaking) I got bored and have lost interest in looking at it. Oh yes, occasionally I have taken a look and have been happy to see where she got run over by the karma bus. But 11 mos out, I am not possessed by it any more.
I believe that it is better to stare at something until you are bored and looking at it no longer arouses any emotion. It's what the military does when it's training assassins. You WILL eventually stop feeling the need to look. At that point you WILL find the OW no longer takes up space in your head.
BTW, based on her comment, your OW doesn't give a darn about your kids. Neither did WH's MOW. They are in it for the game. "Stealing" a married man makes them feel powerful and gives them selfworth. You need to keep in mind how pissed off she is. She couldn't steal him away despite having a headstart in her "game". You have frustrated her beyond belief. She is miserable.
If you want to twist the knife, I would recommend making sure she could find you on Pinterest (or Instagram, etc) and that you post things that make it look like your life has gone on unaffected. You know, post pictures of possible decor for your master bedroom; Christmas ideas; family vacation ideas. Get the pic? Be subtle. Don't post anything that would make her think you are hurting or desperate to save your M.
I don't have anything to add except:
I am so so sorry for you that you are going through this and I will pray for you!
Just to clarify, my MC has been saying that I should be having more good days by now.
You are only 3 mos out. She's wrong. Eventually, yes. With time you will notice a trend towards improvement and more good days.
It will get better with time. Just don't let anyone pressure you into a timetable.
Just to clarify, my MC has been saying that I should be having more good days by now.
OK, gently here... To tell you this being only 3 months out is not only dead wrong... It.Is.Insane!! You need to dump this MC NOW! She is ill equipped to deal with the unique issues regarding infidelity. She is also going to cause you more pain and suffering due to her ignorance. Please for your own sake... don't allow her to continue to make you the bad guy in this... because You.Are.Not!!!
my husband tells her about every blow up or break down I have
Gently again... this is total bullsh!t and straight out of the cheaters handbook. It's a tactic used by them to deflect from the real issue. In SI speak this is called "Blame Shifting", "Rug Sweeping" and "Compartmentalizing". Any therapist with a working knowledge of infidelity would have called him out on this immediately. Since she didn't, you need to. Do not allow him to put this back on you!
She thinks I am doing it more to punnish him and make him show remorse...which if Im honest, sometimes I am.
Sorry, but this is also total hogwash. Punish him!? No sweetie... you're beating yourself up again here... and allowing a misinformed MC to do the same. You have every right in the world to feel the way you do.... WITHOUT regard for "his" feelings right now. If you really wanted to punish him as you say... you would have already seen a lawyer, filed for D, and be in the process of taking him for everything he's worth. BTW, you have every right to do that as well. The bottom line here is that he should be thanking you on his knees for not kicking him to the curb already.
he's not sure how much more he can take without some hope of good days.
OK, he's kidding on this one right? HE'S.NOT.SURE!!?? I've gotta tell you, this is a very cruel statement coming from him at this stage. So let me get this straight in my mind... (because I have to tell you it makes no sense to me at all). He cheats on you, lies to you, tells you he felt NO guilt while doing it... and THEN has the stones to whine about not having any good days!? Well boo freakin hoo for him. The poor misunderstood baby.
Please wake up Butterfly. He is NOT the victim in this... YOU ARE! You are the betrayed party. You are the one who has had their world explode. You are the one who has had her safety net cut out from under her. You are the one with the triggers and suffering from every other malady that comes from betrayal. Sorry but his statement reeks of self pity, and is nowhere close to remorse.
Until he comes out of the fog and realizes that HE alone blew your M up by cheating, and does everything in his power right the ship to YOUR satisfaction... sorry but he doesn't get nor deserve any "good" days... And it certainly isn't your job to see he does.
I'm sorry if that last part sounded harsh. Over the last 2 years, I've seen countless BS's here suffer needlessly because they couldn't wrap their head around "who" was at fault regarding infidelity. You need to know this and let it sear into your mind... No matter what the M was like prior to an affair... it is NEVER the BS's fault the affair happened. Always remember this... you have 50% responsibility in your M. You have ZERO responsibility for his affair.