What your WH did is called TT (or trickle truth) here. Unfortunately, you need to brace yourself for more details coming out down the road. I went through 4 months of lies, half truths and bullshit before I got the complete story of what happened in my stbxWW's two A's. And she wasn't the one to tell me. I had to discover it when I recovered over 10,000 emails. Many here on SI have gone through years of this and still don't know the whole truth. Again, I'm so sorry for you!
Well, now you need to decide if this additional info is a deal breaker for you, or if you still think you can, or want to R with this man. Only you can decide.
As for the additional hurt and pain, I totally get that. Every discovery is like a new mini d-day and throws you right down the rabbit hole again. Please step back and restart your vigilance to take care of yourself. Try to eat and drink water as best you can. Also rest and exercise as much as possible.
As always, we'll be here when you need us.
[This message edited by PanicAttack53 at 4:49 PM, April 17th (Wednesday)]
Now you can understand why he was all over the MC about you getting over this; he had more that he was hiding. MC is not a good thing if your spouse is still lying. It will do nothing to help your marriage and only hurt you more. IC, in my opinion is better at this point.
Unfortunately, this happens frequently. My husband let me believe the affair was only for a weekend that I was away. Then, when I found more phone records, he admitted it was closer to four months. While transferring data from his old laptop to the new one, I found a calendar reminder for her birthday.... three months prior to the second date he admitted to. Who the hell knows what the truth is. This infuriated me; I told him since he couldn't "remember" exactly when the affair began or how many times he sent her flowers, I was going to forget I was married!
I don't remember if you have started the 180 but I suggest you look it up in the Healing Library and begin to protect yourself. Also, skip the MC and save your money. Am thinking a new outfit or smoking pair of shoes would be more beneficial to you now.
[This message edited by TheClimb at 3:38 PM, April 17th (Wednesday)]
You did the right thing telling the friend's wife...do either of the OW's have spouses? They need to know too...
When you're ready...I found this article very useful in explaining to H what I needed - and why (helped me understand too...) it's long but sooo worth it...It explains the whole fall out to the WS and steps to take to help us heal...
Maybe your MC would benefit from reading it too...
Sorry you find yourself here butterfly...
I agree with TheClimb too. Protecting his friend was a convenient excuse for your husband. He was protecting himself first and foremost.
I hope you come back here to get more support - whatever you decide to do.
My advise is do not contact the OW. My H OW asked me to come to her work, where my H works so we could talk about it. Are you fucken kidding me? I said n o thank you and politely hung up the phone.
I WON. And something finally felt good.
Stay here and let everything out.
OW actually left her husband for someone she's only physically met once (the weekend away) - it seems to me there is more to this whole story than you currently have. If you are going to R, you need ALL of the truth
IMHO, you still don't have all of the truth. They have been involved with these women a lot longer than one weekend. No way is a MOW with kids going to leave her M for a strange man she only met for one weekend. Nope, no way, nada! They have been involved a hell of a lot longer than one weekend. You only know the tip of the iceberg. I think that they "arranged" this met up in Vegas before they ever left home. They didn't just happen to meet these women by chance. He is lying to you to protect himself and maybe the OW too. Time for you and the other BW to get to the bottom of this and find out how long this has been going on and how much marital money was spent on these women. You all need to get tested for STD's.
Also, the OW may come back with the "I'm pregnant" line to try to get your WH back. Be prepared for that just in case. Doesn't mean she really is pregnant and if she is, it doesn't mean that it is actually your WH's baby. OW lie as well as cheat. So sorry for the pain that you are suffering. It will take a long time to heal. Please find a MC that has experience with infidelity. Your current one is not equipped to help you. As long as your WH is still lying MC isn't going to do any good anyway. You would be better served to find an IC that can help you with the trauma of infidelity. How is the other BW doing? Have you told her about SI?
he didnt want to keep lying but he didnt want to be responsible for ruining his friends marriage. what do I do?
Your WH did not ruin his friends marriage. His friend ruined his own M all my his own wittle self. This is about your WH's own hind-end which is selfish, selfish, selfish...Your WH made his own choice to cheat, and his cheater friend, made his own choice. Each WS is responsible for his/her choices.
Remember cheaters will say anything to shift that blame and put themselves in to a better light. Damage control 101.
I agree w/others. You need to be ready for more details. And please, please, please get a new MC- like yesterday!
peace and strength to you- ccg
Next, do you have ALL of his passwords to every bit of electronic gear or media that he owns? Facebook page (which frankly should be deactivated), phone(s), computers, etc? You need it because he's obviously keeping in touch with the OW.
And yes, this is probably not his first rodeo. His and his friend's stories are about as fishy as the inside of a sea lion. It's time for him to produce a timeline with Every Fricking Thing on it. Everything.
Next, you and he need to get STD/HIV screening. You cannot trust that he actually used a condom for every bit of sexual encounters that he had. And you need to physically see his results, because you cannot trust him to be truthful about them.
I think that it's time for you to detatch and figure out what you want. In three short months, you have been betrayed, lied to, and had a 2nd DDay. Getting some mental distance to figure out what you truly need and what your non-negotiable demands is necessary. The 180 is meant for you to have the mental separation to do that (link here http://survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11).
And it's probably past time that you saw a lawyer to find out what your legal rights are. You don't have to act on it, you don't have to make a decison right now, but you do need to know, and your WH needs to start realizing that his actions have consequences that are going to be far-reaching and years long. On your side, you need to know what you and your children are legally entitled to, if he doesn't pull his head out of his ass. (((hugs)))
D-Day, June 10, 2012
Maybe I just need some clarification (fucking TT always muddies everything up! Grrr.)
Your WH went to Vegas in Oct 12 to meet up with his parents and 3 brothers.
Is ^^^that correct and true?
And then you said this: "my husbands friend who was in vegas with him"
Your WH's friend went to Vegas to hang with WH's family also?
You said WH went to Vegas for a weekend but the timeline doesn't make sense to me. When you said weekend, I assumed that he left on Friday and went home on Sunday. But you said that he talked to a woman, got her number, called her 2 days later, took her out dancing and then had sex with her. And then came home the next day.
Is that still the story? Did his family not find it odd that he blew them off on his last night there?
So the San Antonio trip in Nov 12. I'm assuming it was CheaterFriend that supposedly *won* this trip?
And how long had the CheaterFriend's OW's BH had a PI on her? When did she announce that she was leaving her BH for CheaterFriend?
I am 100% confident he has not contacted her again. I have access to all phone records as well as I have been monitoring everything.
He honestly has done EVERYTHING possible to make this right
He honestly has done EVERYTHING possible to make this right
You had been monitoring everything and you were 100% confident that he hadn't contacted her since January. But now he's admitted that he was still in contact with her...so what gives? How did he call her and circumvent your monitoring?
You need to be very wary of your WH right now, Butterfly. You now know a lot of things about your WH that are incredibly unpleasant....and I'm not even counting the cheating.
He let you THINK that you knew everything. He had you CONVINCED that he was remorseful He was making *you* look like the one with the problem during your MC sessions. ALL WHILE HE KNEW he was STILL in contact with her and STILL lying to you and STILL complicit in CheaterFriend's affair.
[This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 10:10 PM, April 19th (Friday)]
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
Dec 06 arrive san antonio airport. Ow picks up my wh and his friend and takes them to marriott. they get three rooms because the ow of his buddys has two little boys that she is bringing (so sick)
Dec 06-09 they all shop, eat, have sex, swim, have sex,go to basketball game, have sex, you get the picture
Dec09-31 calls, texting,sexting, pics,videos,i love yous, blah blah
Jan 31 midnight i intercept text from ow. wh tells me he just took her out dancing in vegas and kissed her goodnight and has just been talking to her. i knew she was from texas and he went to texas so i called his buddy he went to texas with and asked if wh was ever unaccounted for and he said definately not. my wh said he never me up with her (lies)
jan04 enter mc cant eat cant sleep etc...
Jan 14 Ow of buddies husband calls buddy and tells him he has been suspicous of his wife and hired a pi who told him about buddy. he was super nice and told buddy he wouldnt tell his wife, but that he needed to find god and if he ever called ow again he would tell buddies wife. WH's buddy never calls ow again.
jan 22 after weeks of going over all texts records on phone bill and airtime details i see that he called me from austin when he was supposed to be in san antonio. busted. He confessed he slept with her one night in texas (because thats all he could get away from his buddy without being noticed) in texas and vegas he didnt want to tell me because i had told him if he had slept with her i would leave him.
Jan 22-Apr 16 major mc, crying, anger, struggling, but finally starting to see the light and feel like we are going to be stronger and realize how much my wh really does love me
Apr 16 get a friend request from a girl in texas. Basically she implicates wh's buddy. i lose it and drive over to buddys house and tell his wife (my friend) as im pulling in there driveway my wh had already called buddy to warn him and he blurts out to his wife " i had an affair on you' She is devestated, kicks him out and we sit down and go over details.
Apri 16 i sit my wh down and he tells all. Long story short he only left out the details taht would implicate his buddy because he didnt want him to lose his family. He tells me how texas was the whole weekend not just one night but if he had told me that outright i would have realized his buddy had to of known.He says he talked to OW three times from a payphone for a max of 2 mins eachtime only because i was texting her and she was threatening to tell buddies wife so he had to calm her down. He did not want anything to do with her he was just doing damage control. He also told me he didnt use condoms like he told me, he lied because he was disgusted with himself and he thought that would be a deal breaker.
Apr 17 My friend calls the ow's husband and talks for three hours. He apoligizes for his wifes role and said he didnt tell her because he was hoping to save two families in canada. He tells her that his wife asked him to pay for a plane ticket to canada so she can spend the weekend with her boyfriend to see where it goes. He says she is spoilt and an alcoholic.
My wh and his buddy litterly have been living in fear of these woman for 3 months. i guess she tried contacting us a few times and they intercepted. My wh says he is just glad its all out, because it was killing him. I think thats about it. I probably missed ALOT but thats most of it. I am making no excuses for my wh, it is killing me that he was still lying to me since jan 01 when we were supposed to be completely honest. I know he was covering for his friend but also for himself because he did not want me to know he spent a WHOLE weekend with her. and I know he made contact with her when he was telling me he wasnt. So we went to the counsellor and she told him he had just undone all the progress we had made and we were now at square one again. he told him he does not deserve a second chance and should i choose to give him one he will have to work harder than ever before to build trust. So i told him i wasnt sure i could forgive ALL this and i need time to think about it. i have let him stay in the house for now. honestly I havent really cried yet. i feel numb. i dont know if i just hit my limit of info but where before i was obsessed and questioning him over and over now i just dont care. I did make him sit down for 3 hours and tell me every detail (which he did) so maybe thats why. i just have all the answers now to the stuff i wasnt believing before. I love this man. he is completely remorseful. He has apoligized to my family in person and has taken it upon himself to set up IC. I told him he is to have NC with his buddy and he called OW and finally told her off (infront of me) he said he has been wanting to do that for months but she was threatening to ruin his friends marriage. So thats it i guess. hope this helps.
Nov 01 My wh buys another cell phone and begins texting and calling ow.
He says he talked to OW three times from a payphone for a max of 2 mins eachtime only because i was texting her and she was threatening to tell buddies wife so he had to calm her down.
I still don't think you are getting the whole truth. If he has a secret cell phone why would he be using a payphone? With most everyone using cell phones now pay phones have been removed in our region as they weren't being utilized.
Which you smashed (hopefully after culling it for information).....
....and then any further contact he had with OW (supposedly 3x between Jan 1 and Apr 16) occurred at a payphone and only AFTER you had *caused* a problem.
If someone's upset and threatening to *out* the guilty parties, don't you suppose that it would take more than 2 minutes to calm them down?
Have him take you to the location of the payphone that he used.....And don't give him any warning. Just tell him to get his coat and "let's go right now".
As a collective group, we have probably seen 99% of the crap that a cheating person will try to pull to either hide the affair or minimize the damage after the affair is discovered.
You would be amused, horrified, and shocked by some of the crap the WS can come up with.
And it is best to uncover everything about the affair right now, in one fell swoop, than it is to get blindsided every couple of months by random bits of information that completely change the context of the *story*
Because as you've found, since your WH has spent the past 4 months lying to you, every new bit of *information* causes an exponential amount of damage.
So just be patient with us, k?
My husband said that is why he was trying so hard to get me to have NC with her.
(1) Because he hated having to call her;
(2) he didnt want her blowing his friends cover
First off, he didn't *have to* call her. He *chose* to call her.
Secondly, he wasn't *protecting* his friend. There was a high-level of covering his OWN ass involved....and I know this because he had not told you the *whole* story.
And I wasn't kidding when I suggested that you put his ass into the car, without warning, and make him take you to the pay phone that he used.
Your WH needs to stop with all of his *tap-dancing*. He needs to stop with all of the lollipop, superficial, save-his-ass answers and just be completely truthful.
And your MC was right about one thing, at least. You are starting back at square one. ANYTHING that he did for you while he was still lying doesn't count. That apology he gave to your family? It's bullshit. All he did was lie to them also--which is yet another *wrong* that he's going to have to make *right*. And all of that remorse that he was showing you before? Self-serving bullshit also.
He's going the wrong way in his hole. Instead of using his shovel to fill it in, he just keeps digging himself in deeper.
And also, thanks for that detailed timeline that you took the time to do. It was very helpful.