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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Back and forth
♀ Member
Member # 37362
Helpless  Posted: 4:54 AM, April 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel like giving up on myself … again .. I shouldn’t ever have been in this situation ever!!!
I don’t know what I am working towards.. If I have to give up control on outcomes then what exactly I am looking at? I really worked hard on reaching this point where I can acknowledge how fucked up my thought processes are. How I haven’t been doing justice to any of my relationships. That just makes me so sad and depressed.

I am very stubborn. Once I set my mind on something I don’t stop until its done. I am trying to use that stubborn energy to get my life on track. What I lack is milestone I guess. I just cant see the future and that makes me annoyed.

What bothers me the most is once I realized it, shouldn’t I stay in that state in which I really want to change? Be a better person? It took few months initially. Now it doesn’t take that long.. maybe a couple of days to get myself back in that state where I SEE my flaws and really want to change. But I don’t stay in that state for long. I keep sliding back and I have to get myself back again in that state. Its just pathetic. Whats wrong with me? I feel like I am wasting time in this back and forth and that makes me even more angry and make me want to give up .. like “I am no good. Why do I have to make myself realize it again and again? Once I have that realization shouldn’t I stay in it? Why do I have to convince myself again and again?”

The whole point of this post is, I don’t really want to give up on myself. What annoyes me is why do I have to teach myself again and again? Only positive thing is each time I take less time to get to that point. Silver lining I guess.

I have been taking baby steps and making small changes. I look for a validation from CL for this but he refuses to give me that. (rightfully so). I had small victories in last couple of weeks and I was bit happy about it. CL insisted on consistenacy and stressed on not being too happy as it was just a beginning.

I have a tendency of starting new things and as soon as I get a hang of it , I give up on it. My mom had a huge problem with it. She always used to ask me to finish what I started. I never did. I guess same thing is happening here. I read a lot and I was so focused on figuring out how to handle this infidelity thing. Now that initial shock has worn off, I struggle with consistency. I had an impression “healing” was a destination. I now understand its not. The idea of getting up every morning and struggling to just get myself commit to self-improvement scares me. Especially when it takes couple of days each time. I mean committing to you own life.. shouldn’t that be something natural. I end up beating myself for wasting my life uptil now and not naturally feeling like this.

Aaaaaaaaarrrrrrghhhhhhhhh .. its like I am discovering new obstacles and things that I don’t like about myself every day. Its like unless I don’t work on this I cant go ahead. So now I should work on consistency thingy. Which is nowhere related to infidelity but unless I don’t address it I will keep sliding back… aaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggg I AM SO ANGRY with myself

[This message edited by EmotionalFool at 5:24 AM, April 15th (Monday)]

WW: 28 (ME)
BH: 28 (SI profile: CrappyLife)
D-Day- 15/10/12

Posts: 334 | Registered: Nov 2012
♀ Member
Member # 37362
Default  Posted: 7:20 AM, April 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And now I am having panic attacks thinking that time is running out and I havent done enough!! I am so tired of swinging from one emotion to another.

WW: 28 (ME)
BH: 28 (SI profile: CrappyLife)
D-Day- 15/10/12

Posts: 334 | Registered: Nov 2012
♂ Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 7:21 AM, April 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have had 28 years to practice being the person you now do not want to be. It's going to take a while to "unlearn" those behaviors and automatically start doing the new behavior.
It's frustrating..I know it is, but be patient with yourself.

The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2534 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
♀ Member
Member # 37362
Default  Posted: 3:33 AM, April 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks FRM.. today I am back to "committed to make my life better" mode ..I just wish I could stay here longer

WW: 28 (ME)
BH: 28 (SI profile: CrappyLife)
D-Day- 15/10/12

Posts: 334 | Registered: Nov 2012
Topic Posts: 4

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