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Same woman we had the made up affair texts and the "on the couch" sleep overs after our big fight...I'd been out of town for work 4 nights and he had the kids. He actually stayed home the night I returned! Then the next night I had to go out of town to visit my did 2.5 hrs away. I got a text that didnt set right w me, so I left the sleeping kids with my mom in the hotel room and drove 2.5 hours to find him not "going to sleep" not and home and more importantly AT HER HOUSE AT 2:30 AM.

Again, NO AFFAIR...He isnt even supposed to talk to her but he's there...reason, she called bc her ex got OWI with kids in car and since I AM A PARALEGAL she called HIM to see what she should do and he was in the area so he stopped by to get story and fell asleep.

1. Nobody called me and asked what she could do (hes not a paralegal)

2. They arent supposed to be taking

3. He coulda listened on the phone

4. I already figured he'd be there

5. He didnt call and say hey there's an issue, would this upset you

6. He thought I was 2.5 hrs away

NOW, im a stalker and looking for dirt and Im making it negative and Im throwing our marriage and all his good progress away. WHAT PROGRESS? You arent having an affair you just make it look like it every month for 6 months + and Im awful for not believing the words of your mouth over what I see and hear????

OPINIONS PLEASE...Im trying to quit feeling confused and be mad or feel something other than confused.

His actions are showing you who he is. He is having an affair. Couch my ass!

He is not following through with NC. Honey you need to establish consequences for his actions. He needs to come clean and start rebuilding. He is disrespectful and not showing you the love a marriage deserves.

See your lawyer. Go through with divorce. get away from this monster.

Get tested for STD's if you havent done these two already.

Care for those kids, make sure they grow up in a loving home, not in an adultered mess. I am so sorry, this just sucks. Your worth so much more than he is giving you.

LHAP?

[This message edited by lordhasaplan? at 8:50 AM, April 15th (Monday)]

OK. I've only read this post and your story. Compelled to comment.

Time to follow through. He's on her couch? Seriously? What more do you need?

2x4:

It won't stop until you say it does. He's had enough time to do something, but hasn't. He's a serial cheater and you know it. Pull up your bitch boots and do what you know you need to. Don't spend any more of your time AND YOUR LIFE, playing games with him.

If you do, this never ends. End it. Make conditions, effective immediately, and get your finances in order, in your name. Enough!!

Frankly, I would follow through with the divorce. People have gotten back together, but REAL WORK was done first.

You were not digging for dirt, you were digging for the truth--and you got it. Not from him, but with your own eyes. It is up to you what you do with it, but I would side with Fourever on this. He needs serious consequences for his actions. Stop listening to his words, as they are the source of your confusion. Look at his actions. They are as clear as they could be.

Oh, wow.

Honey, no one plants "affair texts"; they come up with a plausible story to try and gaslight you into behaving nicely and act accordingly.

You are being manipulated by a master here. Don't let him warp what you KNOW to be true.

1. He has had inappropriate boundaries almost since the first day you married him.

2. He seeks female attention outside of your marriage.

3. You found proof of the affair on his locked phone.

4. He admitted to the affair.

5. He continues to see her and sleep at her home.

6. He cares more about having his affair and keeping you in the dark, then he does about your sanity.

Cause this will drive you crazy if you let it.

(((callmecrazy)))

I remember this time so well, I started to feel like I'd gone crazy. Your H is lying and having an A, you know that and he knows that. My H told me after the fog lifted that he had planned on continuing his behavior for as long as he could b/c he never thought I'd leave. He was trying to make me feel crazy so I'd stop bothering him about his behavior, which is what your H is doing.

finally, I stopped asking what was going on and I told him what was going on and what was going to happen. he tried to explain how I was confused but I told him to save his breath, i knew it all and didn't need his confirmation. It wasn't until I put my foot down and stopped asking him to tell me everything I knew already ( b/c I hoped there was some perfectly good explanation that didn't involve him having sex...there wasn't )

That everything changed.

You know what he's doing,what are your plans now?

That gaslight is about to go fireball.

You found him at her house. It doesn't matter what he was doing there, if he'd been waving a magic sword and fighting a wyvern he still should have stayed home and let her get eaten by the fucking monster. You know why he was there though, and his bullshit is so rank you could strip wallpaper with the stank if you bottled it.

leave him....he has been playing this game to see how far you will take it...and you are still in it...get out, put your foot down and stop playing the game...you know there are no excuses good enough for this behavior

Dear Callmecrazy,

I am so angry for you!! I went through this too, and as others have said, it stops when you make it stop. He is eating cake.

His suggestion that the texts were planted is insulting!

Please move forward with your own life. This man is abusing you. Take care.

E.

You see that he's having an affair. You know it. He knows it.

Are you waiting for him to admit it?

Why?

Are you waiting for him to take responsibility and validate you? Apologize?

You know the truth.

What are the consequences for that truth?

Him 'admitting' it, isn't what you need to know that he's cheating.

You don't need to wait for him to give you permission to know the truth.

I don't mean to sound harsh, I just wanted to help give a different perspective.

This is screaming affair. I'm sorry. The red flags are flying. He is disrespecting u left and right.

callmecrazy...the truth of the matter is that you are not crazy but you definitely are SHARING your husband with another woman. He IS having an A and having sex with the OW. He is treating you like you are stupid by giving you such lame excuses. Seriously??? he really thinks he can pull the wool over your eyes and continue to do so. You know this!!!! Now the question is are you going to continue to share your husband or are you going to put a stop to it? You do have a choice and you do have a say in the matter.

StillGoing that was kind of my reply. He was like "it was about the safety of her kids and how to keep the ex away" I said great YOUR DAUGHTER doesnt want us to divorce so I dont give a shit what her malfunction was, maybe think about YOUR FAMILY!

I keep getting the "look at all the positives this was a bad call on my part not catastrphoic" NOT TO YOU YOU GOT LAID, I JUST GOT KICKED IN THE FACE!!!

I did finally send her a mean text that night "Thank you for screwing my husband and wrecking my marriage. Please stop and send him home Im a little annoyed Ive been going to counseling with the asshole to fix things while you two were still at it" Id stayed silent enough...and I didnt go the did you give WH herpes or was it someone else route:)

I know your pain, callmecrazy. My POS has done similar with me. He called me "crazy" once for not "letting it go" when all I wanted was the truth. I discovered I was probably never going to get the real truth because he was never going to admit the full extent of his actions or own up to them. That is when I put my foot down and said no more. The absolute hardest thing I have ever done, but he didn't think I would ever do it so he continued with his disgusting behavior. I didn't WANT the marriage to end; I didn't WANT to face the truth that hit me in the face like a 2x4; I didn't WANT to be married to a serial adulterer, but I reached a point that I could not live that lie any longer. Whether you have the truth from him or not, you have to decide when you have had enough and do what you have to do to save your own sanity.

Sweetie, I was just thinking this weekend how very much I wish I had left when I found the first sexting photo on his phone. We were 700 miles from home at his mother's house and it was the middle of the night but I had my bag packed and was sitting on the front step, trying to decide whether to call a cab or take the car. Damn how I wish I hadn't gone back inside and let him talk me out of everything I knew in my gut.

Your H is having an affair. You are losing a sliver more of your self-respect every second you stay with him. He's not going to quit until he's facing the pain of a divorce and maybe he won't quit then. Either way, you leaving or you kicking him out is the only way to make this stop.

I agree...what are you waiting on. You know he is cheating. His lies are ridiculous. He is acting like you are stupid by thinking you would believe such utter nonsense.

Honey..he doesn't have to admit what you already know to be true. If you get up tomorrow and the sky is blue..if he says it's orange..what will you believe?

Exactly.

There's that awful song that came out years ago..the wife catches her husband and the OW in the act..and he tells her "wasn't me."

That is what your WH is doing. It is time for you to pull out your bitch boots...strap those fuckers on...and kick some ass.

Oh my... Yeah, it's NOT an affair, okay, i believe you. I found flower delivery on Vday, hotel reservations that were not for me, hundreds of texts & calls, and condoms BUT he said they are JUST FRIENDS! lol, sure, okay. I filed immediately yet he still refuses to admit any wrong doing. I'm really sorry you are dealing with this but trust your gut - if it walks like a duck...

CMC....what you need to do right now is take a deep breath,step back and look at the *big* picture.

Right now you can't see the forest because of the trees.

I can see that this is what you are doing because I did it also. For waaayyyy too long. In my situation, I got so caught up in *catching him out* and trying to explain to him why what he was doing was wrong, that I was entirely unable to *see* it. Honestly, I don't think that I wanted it to be real. I didn't want my life to be what it was. Sultan was actively and openly involved in a relationship with an OW.....and I was posting the exact type of posts that you just posted. The *why does he think this is okay* and *how can he think I'm so stupid* posts.

The truth of the matter is that this is just a big *game* to your WH. You're being played because he knows that you are *his*. And every time that you allow him to *get away with* any of his insanity, you are just entrenching yourself deeper into the game. That is where I see you now. All of the disrespectful bullshit from 2 weeks ago....his gaslighting about the affair texts....is now put on the back-burner because you are dealing with the *newest* crisis of finding him at her home. And again...he's forcing you to *play* his game by giving you some bullshit excuse for being there.

Stop playing. Look at your reality and see that you have a WH that is acting like an immature and insensitive asshole (not to mention defiling your marriage by cheating on you)........and pack up your balls and go the hell home.

He spends a lot of time on her couch so it must be comfortable. Good thing. You should send him off to permanently slumber there....

[This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 11:32 PM, April 15th (Monday)]

callme...

Sorry youre going thru all this...

You basically have 2 choices here.....you can stay married to a man that insists on having a GF, or not...

JMO....its time to draw that line in the dirt....let him know what your expectations are of a a husband, then "back it up"......KWIM?

The best way out of a "tug of war" is to simply.....let go...chose not to play.

Actions speak louder than words....and his are screaming!

again...sorry...

Bufffalo