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Newest Member: ForevrInDoubt (44578)

New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Seriously Dude?
jo2love
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Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, April 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am friends with my xwbf. Had he been dedicated to R, we would have been together 10yrs. So today he sends me a Happy Anniversary text because he still considers it a special day.

[This message edited by jo2love at 11:52 AM, April 15th (Monday)]


Posts: 34428 | Registered: Mar 2011
ajsmom
♀ Member
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, April 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am friends with my xwbf.

Why?

If he's thinking you're still friends, his text seems somewhat appropriate, I guess.

Sounds to me like he's just following your lead.

AJ's MOM


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21039 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
jo2love
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Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, April 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We do not exchange gifts or cards for holidays. We do not celebrate anniversies for a relationship that he killed.

Why are we friends? Excellent question that I ponder. When I ended our relationship it wasn't because I wanted to. It was because I had to break my own heart so I would stop hoping everyday that he would step up to the plate in R. Strength wise it was easier for me to try to remain friends. He is the closest thing to a dad my daughter has ever had so it has helped her transition, too.

We stick to platonic talks and that works for us. I hope he finds someone one day. Me? I like sitting on the bus. It has comfy seats.

[This message edited by jo2love at 12:10 PM, April 15th (Monday)]


Posts: 34428 | Registered: Mar 2011
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, April 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is this friendship still beneficial to you?


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13651 | Registered: Jul 2011
jo2love
♀ Moderator
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, April 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sidenote - If it was a special day to him, then maybe he should have put the work into R.

Posts: 34428 | Registered: Mar 2011
damncutekitty
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Member # 5929
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, April 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ditto what Ama said. Is this "friendship" beneficial to you?

I know my XH was very insistent about wanting to stay friends. I tried, mostly because I was lonely and kinda hoped maybe someday he'd apologize or at least give me some sort of validation (like that I mattered). For him, staying friends meant he could tell himself that everything he did to me was not so bad. Because hey we're still friends, right? Eventually I decided it wasn't worth it.


Keep calm and carry on.

Posts: 49464 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Minneapolis
ajsmom
♀ Member
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, April 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It was because I had to break my own heart so I would stop hoping everyday that he would step up to the plate in R.

Ummm...no. HE broke your heart.

His message obviously upset you, whatever his motive.

It may be time to seriously consider your need to keep him as a friend.

Detachment can be very healing.


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21039 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
jo2love
♀ Moderator
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, April 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It didn't upset. It kind of gave me a "really? Are you serious?" look on my face.

I enjoy his friendship no fwb happening here. The man I fell I in love with died years ago.

I am enjoying it just being me. No dating worries.

[This message edited by jo2love at 12:54 PM, April 15th (Monday)]


Posts: 34428 | Registered: Mar 2011
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, April 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sidenote - If it was a special day to him, then maybe he should have put the work into R.
This is exactly where my mind went. Followed quickly by an eye roll or two.

Really, dude?


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 24744 | Registered: Aug 2011
jo2love
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Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, April 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you.

Being friends has made the transition easier for my DD (not his child).


Posts: 34428 | Registered: Mar 2011
Mousse242
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Member # 6330
Default  Posted: 5:41 PM, April 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you think that by remaining friends with him, you are prohibiting yourself from moving on, or at least entertaining the idea of dating again?

And what happens when you do start dating again, and what if it becomes serious? Do you think your daughter will have conflicts with that because you did not make a clean break?


Posts: 5473 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Chicago
Sad in AZ
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Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 5:53 PM, April 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm cordial to the X; he still owes me money, and I don't want to have to fight for it. I don't initiate contact but if he calls, I take it. I let him chit chat a little before I give him the "OK; bye". He always signs off calling me 'hon'. Oy.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 19952 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, April 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jo, I understand that staying friends made things easier for your daughter, and I think that's great. But it's been two years... is the friendship still beneficial to you?


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13651 | Registered: Jul 2011
jo2love
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Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, April 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My daughter knows that we are just friends and that we are not getting back together. I do enjoy his friendship, so yes it is beneficial. We do not see each other often. We text sometimes.

Truthfully, he isn't holding me back from dating. I don't want to date until I work through things in my past that I haven't dealt with. I was raped and cheated on multiple times by different people. One of the people was my xh. For so many years I shoved things to the side and never dealt with it. I don't need a man in my life right now. I am focusing on me. When it's time, it will happen. No rush. I'll date when ready. I think it is fine to not want to date. I'm not rushing myself into anything. DD's dad (not xh or xwbf) is not a part of her life. So I have her 24/7 and am grateful for it. She rocks.

[This message edited by jo2love at 8:20 PM, April 15th (Monday)]


Posts: 34428 | Registered: Mar 2011
jo2love
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Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 8:26 PM, April 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you think your daughter will have conflicts with that because you did not make a clean break?

She was having a hard time with him being pretty much a dad to her and then nothing. DD and I talk a lot. She understands that it's ok for us to be friends with him. It's ok if we aren't friends. One of the things I love about my relationship with DD is that she knows she can come to me with any questions, concerns, worries. I always have her back.


Posts: 34428 | Registered: Mar 2011
ProbableIceCream
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Member # 37468
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, April 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jo2love, how old is your DD if you don't mind my asking? (just curious)


Me, 32. DD, 8. DS, 6 (deceased).

D-Day was April 2012. Divorced Jul 2013. Moved ~1000 miles away (as the crow flies) Jul 2014.


Posts: 787 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Pacific Northwest
jo2love
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Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, April 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Almost a teen.

She has no idea he cheated.

[This message edited by jo2love at 10:51 PM, April 15th (Monday)]


Posts: 34428 | Registered: Mar 2011
Kajem
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Default  Posted: 3:23 AM, April 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jo,

I get it. My WXSO was as close to a father my girls had during their teen years. XH (their father) was around, but on the periphery and certainly wrapped up in his life. He is also NPD, and the kids got dealt the brunt of his hatred of me.

WXSO was their father figure when they hit their teens. He made sure that they had what they needed (that XH reneged on) to succeed. He interviewed the boyfriends, helped them learn to drive..etc. He was their dad when XH was acting like a sperm donor and using the kids as pawns to carry out his revenge to me.

My divorce can be used as the example for the parenting classes they make you take when you divorce... It would be titled 'The World's Worst Divorce". Therapist friend suggested that maybe XSO and I can 'divorce' well and show the kids how a divorce should be done.

My kids are adults... the relationship is between them and him. And I am ok with it.... most days.

I am hoping that IF one of my kids divorces.. that she views the way XSO and I 'divorced' is a better way to handle things.

Hugs,

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4985 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
jo2love
♀ Moderator
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 6:44 AM, April 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for sharing, Kajem. I'm glad your xso was there for your kids.


I get a feeling that my situation may seem odd. He regrets the A, but that wasn't enough for me. I mourned the death of who he was pre-A. The man he was during the A is gone, too. Now he is closer to who he was when we first met.

I respect his opinions and advice on things. He respects mine. Friends is a good place to be.

My xh? After what he did. No chance of friendship ever.

[This message edited by jo2love at 7:04 AM, April 16th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 34428 | Registered: Mar 2011
Faithful w/Love
♀ Member
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, April 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel it is completely up to you to be friends with him or not. It is your life and if it works for you than it is okay.
To much anger makes for a bitter heart, and you seem to be healed for the most part, so being friends is what you feel is okay for you now.
Everyone is different, and to be honest if I was not in R, I don't think I could ever not be friends or civil to my wh no matter how he broke my heart or vows. I forgave and that is how I am but not everyone is like that. But, I do understand where you are coming from.


BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)38
DD 19 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
False R. Still Lying.
Will be divorcing soon!
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have"!

Posts: 2661 | Registered: Aug 2011
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