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User Topic: Did i deserve this?
♀ Member
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, April 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Should i unblock her and see what she has to say?

No way. I know it is very tempting but you need to protect yourself....and 'friending' her will not get you there.

Stay strong

Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.

Posts: 2098 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, April 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Listen. You're doing very well by kicking him out of the bedroom. He needs to earn his way back in. Nice doesn't work in these circumstances. Firm boundaries and IC (preferably for both of you) to get to the root of WHY is what is needed.

Now, as to the OW...

You and he need to send her a NC (no contact) letter at once. It should say essentially this:

OW, I want nothing more to do with you. I am totally committed to my BW and family. If you continue to contact me, I will take any means necessary including but not limited to filing for a RO and talking to HR to report you as harassing me. Do not contact me again. Signed WH & BW.

Then block, and if she tries contact again, follow through with your statement. Your WH having to to go HR to report harassment may be embarassing, but that's too damned bad. If he hadn't gone there and brought CRAZY into your home, then this wouldn't be necessary. You should also send each and every attempt at contact to the BH of the OW, including the demand for NC. If he sees that her continual attempts may put her job in jeopardy, then he may keep her so busy trying to save her marriage that she may leave you alone.

(((hugs))) I'm so sorry. This is a group that no one wants to join. But we're all here for your support.

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012

Posts: 4785 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
♀ Member
Member # 39006
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, April 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are right, i know nothing good can come of this door being opened again. My WH in his no contact message was short with nothing more than i dont love you and dont contact me, we didnt know what else to say, as no SI advice day 1. She has been after an explanation as shes 'so confused'. Not keen to get her husband involved at this stage but will if any other crap, FB request at 1 in am? May have been drunk?

Me 42
FWH 39
3 kids, 13,8,6
Dday 3/30/13
R- fragile

Posts: 67 | Registered: Apr 2013
♀ Member
Member # 39006
Default  Posted: 5:03 AM, April 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH got himself a new phone because he didnt want to use his old cell which he used to contact OP. He bought himself the iphone 5, i have one too, there is an app called find friends which allows you to track where your friends are. I suggested he used this when i started using this app with my friends months ago, he brushed me off saying there was no android equivalent( there is google latitude i think). Stupidly , i was too busy to force this issue or i would have seen he was at some strange address ( her place )rather than at work and not at home with our son but having coffee with OP. im constantly on this app now( 2 weeks since dday), feel like a crazy person, but desperately need to know where he is right now. This app might help some of you i thought.

Me 42
FWH 39
3 kids, 13,8,6
Dday 3/30/13
R- fragile

Posts: 67 | Registered: Apr 2013
♀ Member
Member # 35507
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, April 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

im constantly on this app now( 2 weeks since dday), feel like a crazy person, but desperately need to know where he is right now.

I did this too. I watched him like a hawk. It will make you feel crazy and it will become an obsession if you let it. It did for me. I hope that you find a path to healing but as long as the two of them see each other every day at work, I don't think you will. One of them needs to go. If they had behaved themselves, then they wouldn't be in this situation. There are consequences to actions.

My FWH had an A with a coworker so I understand what you are going through. It was pure hell to see him walk out the door every morning knowing he was going somewhere that she would be. I couldn't handle it. It made me a crazy person. I would constantly go up there, drive in circles for hours around his business, constantly call him, and monitor him by the location app. That is no way to live and wanted my life back. I told him you go, she goes, or I go. No way was I going to stay in the M if they continued to work together. Your WH needs to make a decision to get away from her completely in order to save the M and ensure your sanity and healing. If he is unwilling, then you have to decide what is best for you and take care of yourself. He can report her to HR for sexual harassment if she doesn't stay NC with him and that could lead to her being fired. Contacting her BH might help as he may insist that she quit her job in order to R their M. Since she can't leave your WH alone, it is not likely that she will do anything except continue to chase your WH. I hope things improve for you soon. Please take care of yourself and put your needs first.

Me - BW (53)
Him - WH (56)
OW - skanky whore coworker
Married 33 years
DDay1 8/10/11
DDay2 8/15/11
DDay3 8/28/11
2 grown children
Status - in R

Posts: 978 | Registered: May 2012
♀ Member
Member # 37184
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, April 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No one deserves the way we have been treated. You were taken advantage of, like all of us. You are a good, worthy person. Hold your head up, you have nothing to be ashamed of. Hugs

Posts: 568 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: new york
♀ Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, April 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No you did not deserve this. At all. No one does. Don't accept or place blame on yourself. You didn't get a vote. He made the concious decision to cheat. HE did. He chose to cheat vs. talking to you. He chose to cheat vs. working on his marriage. Concious choice. It is about him not you.

It has been said when a person has an affair it is not about what they aren't getting; it's about what they are giving. He wasn't giving you or your family time and attention he was giving it to a lie and to the OW.

I am so incredibly sorry this has happened to you and to your family. There is nothing in life that can prepare you for this. NOTHING.

It pulls the rug right out from under your whole life. Everything you know to be true about your life has been shattered. That is a lot to absorb, digest, and reconcile. There is no magic answer.

I cried everyday for the first two weeks. Barely functioned at work. Left many days early. So your reaction is completely understandable. Try not to be too hard on yourself.

This is your husband's to own. He made the concious choice now he needs to deal with the consequences. I agree with the others, zero contact with the OW has to start NOW.

There is no way you will ever have any peace if she is still in the picture. If your husband is truly remorseful he will do whatever it takes to make you feel safe and secure again.

Will you get past this? Yes and no. Yes, you can move forward. Yes, you can rebuild your marriage and as many have attested - the marriage can be better but you BOTH have to work on it. And your husband has to own what he has done and help to heal you.

You are in shock and will go through post tramatic stress for awhile. Triggers will happen, movies or songs will come on that feel like you have be hit by a two by four. Just know it is your body's way of handling the despair and hurt that you feel.

I wish there was a way to prepare you for the roller coaster ride. For me the first few weeks and months were brutal. You will most likely question everything about him (normal). You will question yourself. How can you love and hate someone at the same time (again, normal). You will feel every emotion you have ever felt all usually within 2 minutes. Allow yourself to be human. To be angry and pissed. To love him one minute and hate him the next.

Please remember he was the one who chose to cheat. He has to be the one to build you and your marriage back up. I strongly recommend the following article.

My prayer for you is to find a good IC (ask your EAP or your doctor for a referral) for YOU.

As others have stated, this is a safe place, no judgment, just support and love. I only recently found it and it has given me a true sense of calm. One I have not known for a very long time.

My prayer for you today..

Lord, You know exactly how I feel about myself. You know how deeply Ive been hurt and influenced by what has occurred in my life and how confusing and hurtful it is. Help me to discover Your truth and Your path along with the truth of my worth and value to myself, my family and to You. In your name I pray, Amen.

With a heartfelt hug -

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1137 | Registered: Apr 2013
Topic Posts: 27
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