No you did not deserve this. At all. No one does. Don't accept or place blame on yourself. You didn't get a vote. He made the concious decision to cheat. HE did. He chose to cheat vs. talking to you. He chose to cheat vs. working on his marriage. Concious choice. It is about him not you.
It has been said when a person has an affair it is not about what they aren't getting; it's about what they are giving. He wasn't giving you or your family time and attention he was giving it to a lie and to the OW.
I am so incredibly sorry this has happened to you and to your family. There is nothing in life that can prepare you for this. NOTHING.
It pulls the rug right out from under your whole life. Everything you know to be true about your life has been shattered. That is a lot to absorb, digest, and reconcile. There is no magic answer.
I cried everyday for the first two weeks. Barely functioned at work. Left many days early. So your reaction is completely understandable. Try not to be too hard on yourself.
This is your husband's to own. He made the concious choice now he needs to deal with the consequences. I agree with the others, zero contact with the OW has to start NOW.
There is no way you will ever have any peace if she is still in the picture. If your husband is truly remorseful he will do whatever it takes to make you feel safe and secure again.
Will you get past this? Yes and no. Yes, you can move forward. Yes, you can rebuild your marriage and as many have attested - the marriage can be better but you BOTH have to work on it. And your husband has to own what he has done and help to heal you.
You are in shock and will go through post tramatic stress for awhile. Triggers will happen, movies or songs will come on that feel like you have be hit by a two by four. Just know it is your body's way of handling the despair and hurt that you feel.
I wish there was a way to prepare you for the roller coaster ride. For me the first few weeks and months were brutal. You will most likely question everything about him (normal). You will question yourself. How can you love and hate someone at the same time (again, normal). You will feel every emotion you have ever felt all usually within 2 minutes. Allow yourself to be human. To be angry and pissed. To love him one minute and hate him the next.
Please remember he was the one who chose to cheat. He has to be the one to build you and your marriage back up. I strongly recommend the following article.
My prayer for you is to find a good IC (ask your EAP or your doctor for a referral) for YOU.
As others have stated, this is a safe place, no judgment, just support and love. I only recently found it and it has given me a true sense of calm. One I have not known for a very long time.
My prayer for you today..
Lord, You know exactly how I feel about myself. You know how deeply Ive been hurt and influenced by what has occurred in my life and how confusing and hurtful it is. Help me to discover Your truth and Your path along with the truth of my worth and value to myself, my family and to You. In your name I pray, Amen.
With a heartfelt hug -