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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I Finally Filed Against Her
popitdaddy
♂ Member
Member # 37502
Default  Posted: 9:45 PM, April 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So it's been almost six months since D-Day and exactly 4 months since we separated.
I told my lawyer to file the D complaint yesterday and I just got home from telling her. I did exactly what the S.I. community kept telling me to do but it didn't have the out come I expected.
She didn't seem to care one bit. I don't know what I expected but now I feel like I'm right back at square 1 with the depression and hopelessness. As I started to walk away she grabbed my hand and said "sorry" while trying to fight back some kind of tear. She then said "I don't know what else to say"
This was supposed to bring some kind of closure or feeling of relief or at least jar some kind of emotional break in her but nope, nada.
I've been so mad at her for so long but now that it really seems over, I can tell that deep down I never truely wanted to say goodbye forever.
She's ripped away my wife, my family and my best friend.... And I will always love her


Me(38) - BH
Her(37) - XWW
Kids - 2
Married: 15 yrs
D-DAY: 10-23-2012
Length of A: [depends on what day you ask her]
Divorced

Posts: 82 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: NW Arkansas
devistatedmom
♀ Member
Member # 24961
Default  Posted: 10:02 PM, April 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First, {{{hugs}}}


I don't know what I expected but now I feel like I'm right back at square 1 with the depression and hopelessness.

No, you aren't back to square 1. You have taken the next step, and I will bet you that THIS bought with depression and hopelessness won't last as long. Each time, it's gets shorter, and a little easier to pull yourself out again.

Her reaction shows that she doesn't have any remorse. She doesn't care what she did to you popitdaddy. I know that hurts, it hurts when my XH acted like our years together never mattered. But let it show you you are doing the right thing. She didn't give you a choice.


BS(me) 46, Two wonderful teens.
He is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks.

WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.


Posts: 5429 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Canada
dmari
♀ Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, April 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear and feel your pain through this post. I am sorry popitdaddy that you did not get the response you wanted. None of us wanted to say good-bye. That person you loved and was your best friend is dead and that is who you are mourning for. It seems that she checked out of the marriage a long time ago where it is still fresh for you. Be gentle with yourself. Take care of yourself.


Me (BS): 42 Children: DD 18, DS 15
Settled at mediation
Officially divorced ... SOON!

Posts: 2146 | Registered: Oct 2012
wonderpets
♂ Member
Member # 35901
Default  Posted: 1:45 AM, April 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel for you.

Trust me, you might not always love her :-)


Posts: 203 | Registered: Jun 2012
Happydays
♂ Member
Member # 38681
Default  Posted: 5:38 AM, April 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She didn't seem to care one bit.

That was just her initial reaction on sounding the war drums.


I don't know what I expected but now I feel like I'm right back at square 1 with the depression and hopelessness.

I think you expected her to plead and beg not to do this. But, once the war drums are beaten there is either plea for mercy or gathering the army. Nothing else. She showed the latter.


As I started to walk away she grabbed my hand and said "sorry" while trying to fight back some kind of tear. She then said "I don't know what else to say"

This means she cared but faked it.
D is not easy. Its hard on both sides.
Don't go on emotions that are on display here. She must have cried a lot after you left. Its just not known to you, thats it.

If she want to come back, she will. She knows how to. If her ego comes in the way, then its up tp her.

I wouldn't say you did anything wrong, not in her A not in filing.

Stay strong brah!

[This message edited by Happydays at 5:47 AM, April 17th (Wednesday)]


BH 33
FWW 32
DS: 3 year old.
Dday 10/14/2012
No remorse so:
Divorced 02/15/2013. No alimony, no CS, got apartment. Won all battles and mind games off the courts.

Posts: 294 | Registered: Mar 2013
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 5:42 AM, April 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Doing things with expectations will always end up in you getting hurt. You need to start doing things FOR YOU. Not to get a reaction from her.

Your actions are stronger than your resolve - but only for now.

Soon your resolve will catch up. It is horrific to let go of what you thought you had, even when you know you never really had it. That hope was crippling me and I see it crippling you too.

I remember the pain so well. The emotional pain I expected, I did not expect the physical pain. I was keening like my belly had been cut open with a sharp blade - I sometimes felt like I would bleed out and die from the heartbreak.

It won't feel this way forever. Your heart will catch up with your head and when it happens you'll be shocked that you were ever willing to R with someone who disrespected you so much, who treated you so cruelly, who broke promises and vows to you - someone who would do this to your children. And so easily.

You'll hit the anger phase and it will boost your resolve in ways unimaginable to you right now.

Right now you feel like your future has been stolen. You were never going to have that future with her friend. Deep down you know this.

Give your heart some time to catch up with your head. Until then, rest, recover, work on your healing, continue NC/180. If you stay in contact you will be stuck here for longer than you need to be.

You need to let her go before you can begin healing. You can't control the outcome but you can control how painful this needs to be and for how long.

Fake it till you make it. One day you'll realise you're not faking it anymore.

She's ripped away my wife, my family and my best friend.... And I will always love her

My mantra in the early days was: "He is no longer my husband, he is no longer my love, he is no longer my best friend".

Repeat until it sticks. You won't love her forever. Right now I still sometimes mourn the man I thought I had. I have no love whatsoever for the man I did have.

Its confusing sometimes but its getting clearer to me every single day.

I'm not mourning what I lost, I'm mourning what I never had.

((popitdaddy)) I wish I could give you a hug. I wish I could show you how wonderful your life will be once you've walk through this hell. There is sunshine and laughter on the other side. More than you can stand. I promise you that.


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5535 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
stronger08
♂ Member
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 5:52 AM, April 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bro, filing for D is not meant to solicit a reaction from her. Its meant to signify that you have had enough of this emotional limbo and had the balls to say enough. Its says you are man enough to stand up for yourself and free you from the pain and suffering she has been inflicting your way. It may be the end of your M. But its actually the beginning of your new life. Don't waste anymore effort and tears on someone who does not deserve them. Cry for yourself, mourn for yourself. Once that's done get on with what could be something special. Remember life only changes when you say it does. Good luck my man. I see better days ahead for you.


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5615 | Registered: Nov 2007
ray-ray
♂ Member
Member # 29940
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, April 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

popitdaddy,

I am sorry for the pain you are in. I remember it well. I cant add anything to the advice you have gotten. Just wanted to be another voice that tells you that it does get better. A lot better.


So many roads

Posts: 716 | Registered: Oct 2010
Stillhurting1977
♀ Member
Member # 37247
Default  Posted: 5:48 AM, April 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel for you, because I am going through the same thing. My WH and I are about to seperate and I am about to move to a new city. I even quit my job yesterday to leave him.
This is never what I wanted either. I feel like I still have love for him as well. It hurts me even more that he is willing to just watch me walk away and not confess his undying love for me and willing to do whatever it takes to save our marriage. It hurts so much.
Now, we can begin to heal. It will be a different kind of healing and a better kind of healing.
My thoughts are with you.
I keep thinking about the man he is now and who he has become in the past few years. And I never, ever would have married the man he is now. I am living in the past by focusing on the man I married.
Focus on the future. It has to get better. You will be better.


D day Sept 2011
D Day # 2 March 15, 2013 (he never stopped the first affair, it went underground)
Me BW 36
Him WH 37
One little guy: 26 months
Status: Seperated, Divorcing

" Noone can make you feel inferior without your consent" Eleanor Ro


Posts: 159 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Canada
Stillhurting1977
♀ Member
Member # 37247
Default  Posted: 5:48 AM, April 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel for you, because I am going through the same thing. My WH and I are about to seperate and I am about to move to a new city. I even quit my job yesterday to leave him.
This is never what I wanted either. I feel like I still have love for him as well. It hurts me even more that he is willing to just watch me walk away and not confess his undying love for me and willing to do whatever it takes to save our marriage. It hurts so much.
Now, we can begin to heal. It will be a different kind of healing and a better kind of healing.
My thoughts are with you.
I keep thinking about the man he is now and who he has become in the past few years. And I never, ever would have married the man he is now. I am living in the past by focusing on the man I married.
Focus on the future. It has to get better. You will be better.


D day Sept 2011
D Day # 2 March 15, 2013 (he never stopped the first affair, it went underground)
Me BW 36
Him WH 37
One little guy: 26 months
Status: Seperated, Divorcing

" Noone can make you feel inferior without your consent" Eleanor Ro


Posts: 159 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Canada
kchip
♂ Member
Member # 36365
Default  Posted: 6:07 AM, April 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

These fuckin remorseless ww's really piss me off.

Hey, I read your post and I know EXACTLY how much this hurts. Mine was in "love" with POSMOM. For a longtime the PA had me screwed up in the head. She filed 12/27, and as the months have ticked by its the EA that has been eating me alive. To make it worse, she and her attorney are in full battle mode and its as if I am defending myself like I am the cheater.

My kids are all I care about anymore. She could die today, and I wouldn't shed a tear. I hate that bitch.

Gl, and fuck her.


Me: BH (42)
2 boys, age 10/7
D Day: July 15, 2012
Status: DIVORCING
You know that movie, Sleeping With the Enemy? Well I am Julia Roberts in that one......sighhhh
"When we hit our lowest point, we are open to the greatest change"

Posts: 471 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: FL
Dadtryingtocope
♂ Member
Member # 36726
Default  Posted: 9:01 AM, April 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dude - I am with Stronger on this one. I handed my STBEW the papers before I even filed them. Her response "I'm surprised you are doing this so soon"

It was one month after D-day. One month of trying to get into her head what she was doing to me, our kids, our families. But I couldn't fix her, I couldn't stop the affair. They left us no choice. Sharing our life partners with someone else is not a choice. We deserve better than that - much better than that. It will take time to heal. Every day it gets better. We all have a bumpy day where it hurts again. We don't have to forgive ever, we can have our angry days, we can have our hurt/sad days. We are entitled to feel. That is why we are the better person. We feel, we hurt, we care about other people besides ourselves. In many cases we put other ahead of ourselves.

Filing wasn't going to change her at this point my man. If she wanted to change, she would of done it sooner. If anything give yourself credit because you fought to save it longer than some of us could of. I know I couldn't. I was done after a month of fighting, it was killing me. That pain you feel is totally natural and okay and understandable and you have a whole group of us that are there with you. It will get better. You will move on, you will heal, and you will find someone someday who deserves you and treats you the way you should be treated. Stay strong, stay the course and feel. Feel it all because that is what makes us better people than them.


BH me 46
WW her 38
DDay 8-17-12
2 kids (12, 9)
Filed for D 9/14/12
Divorced 4/17/13
She - engaged 5/13 married 9/13

Posts: 497 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: PA
la433
♂ Member
Member # 38835
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, April 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

POPITDADDY

I read your story. There is an sad similarity that my wife also lost a bunch of weight, and then became less and less attracted to me as time grew. No matter how much I tried to be intimate with her she rejected me, and claimed any number of reasons. As she met "other people" outside our regular group of people, I think she realized she was hot. She was always hot, but now she knew it. I think that made her feel justified in rejecting me until I became more attractive to her. But I lost weight and that didn't seem to matter one iota.

My point is, they always try to make us feel like it is somehow our fault that they lost their passon for us. Hell, my wife outright told me that it was I that did not have passion for her, but simply was not true. But I think she was really trying to tell me that she had lost passion for me, but she couldn't say it.

The other thing reality is that there always another person breaking them away from you. She lied to me and said that there wasn't, but two weeks after she filed for divorce, she started dating this OM. Yea, I felt stupid. Still do.

And in your case, she lied to you also. But her being cold to you and rejecting you is in no way your fault. It seems to me you were really trying. You are not responsible for her actions. Once she made the decision to cheat on you, she changed into a completely different person on the inside.

The truth is she became discontent with her life, and took her unhappiness out on you. It's not your fault. It's 100% hers.

I agree 100% with what everyone else said also.

Another way to look at this is:

!!THIS IS YOUR TIME!!

Do what you want as you long as you take care of those kids, because they are the most important part of your life now, and are the only ones that matter. Period.

FUCK HER
for not respecting you
for not honoring her commitment
for making you feel like shit in the process
for not caring
and if anyone disagrees
FUCK them.

You deserve better. Vomit her nasty cheating ass out of your mind...

Sorry for my cursing.. I usually refrain, but I'm on an angry track right now.

Oh, don't turn in your man card--- UPGRADE!!!!


"Arise and be all that you dreamed." ~Flyleaf

Posts: 136 | Registered: Mar 2013
jagged
♂ Member
Member # 32317
Default  Posted: 4:59 PM, April 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This was supposed to bring some kind of closure or feeling of relief

And it will. I promise you, as do many others here: it will. The effect is not instantaneous, but you've set the healing and moving-on machine in motion. It's normal to feel the pull of ties recently broken, but ehre's the deal: it will be easier for you if you can apply a little conscious detachment. "Fuck her" is a very good mantra...but you'll only get the real closure you're seeking when you truly do not care what her reaction is anymore.

Do me a favor - please post here at SI on that glorious day in your future when you realize that you don't WANT her back. Title the thread "Freedom".

You'll get there, I promise.


One foot in and one foot back
But it don't pay to live like that
So I cut the ties and I jumped the tracks
For never to return

Posts: 333 | Registered: May 2011 | From: TX
kchip
♂ Member
Member # 36365
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, April 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Im with la here.

FUCK'M, were better off. Starting over has an almost cleansing effect. You can reboot your life knowing what you know now - think about it.


Me: BH (42)
2 boys, age 10/7
D Day: July 15, 2012
Status: DIVORCING
You know that movie, Sleeping With the Enemy? Well I am Julia Roberts in that one......sighhhh
"When we hit our lowest point, we are open to the greatest change"

Posts: 471 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: FL
popitdaddy
♂ Member
Member # 37502
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, April 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

devistaedmom,
you're right... how can they act like our years and family together don't matter?
dmari,
that's exactly how I've looked at her for years now. She is not the woman I married, nor would I marry someone like this. I believe I am grieving the loss of a loved one, not a marriage. It's worse than if she had actually died.
StrongButBroken,
I think I see what you mean by the crippling/incapacitating effect of false hope. And yes, she has been unbelievably cruel.
Daddytryingtocope,
That was EXACTLY the reaction my WW gave when I handed her the early D papers before filing!
la433
I'm sorry you had to endure that too. What IS IT with these women who just throw their husbands away like a used rag when they lose all the weight?!?!?!?!
jagged,
thanks for the suggestion. I'll definitely try to remember posting that FREEDOM post!

To all,
You don't know how much your kindredship on this community means. You've all been great and I thank you for the encouragement, affirmation and advice along the way. It helps to know I'm not the only one who loves a spouse who doesn't deserve me because I'm so obsessed with the past and with the marriage I thought I had.


Me(38) - BH
Her(37) - XWW
Kids - 2
Married: 15 yrs
D-DAY: 10-23-2012
Length of A: [depends on what day you ask her]
Divorced

Posts: 82 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: NW Arkansas
simpleguy78
♂ Member
Member # 25753
Default  Posted: 4:05 AM, April 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry man.me and my ww were huge razorback fans we went to alot of games over the years.I can't watch anything arkansas related without her crossing my mind...u prob.hear it alot but it has no choice but 2 get better


If i can do it anyone can .My hpd wife was my only friend for 13 years....don't let the fear of being alone ruin your life....people will come ray

Posts: 77 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: memphis,TN
homewrecked2011
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 5:33 AM, April 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I Read the first 2 chapters of Love Must Be Tough by Dr. james Dobson, and it really helped me be strong and turn the tide. He says in the book that our WS usually have crossed the line of respect with us over and over but we are so nice that they keep doing it.

He says that in all his years of counseling people, the best thing to do is to realize they are drug addicted at this time (to the affair) and this is not the time for hang wringing. It is the time to SHOW them with our actions that we are awesome and strong people and that we deserve better than what they throw us. He said a blowout is better than a slow leak as far at waking them up. He said niceing them back rarely works because this type of person doesn't respect nice, they respect a challenge. He agrees with NC and that every ACTION we do is actually seen by them, believe it or not. He says they need to be woken up with actions - moving their stuff out, telling them sternly they need to go b with the op, or move out with kids while they are at work, etc...

anyway, he says it better in the book than I can, with good examples. Just chapter 1 and 2 and I was a changed person and WS mentioned it to a friend of mine. I got so strong that when he asked to come back I looked him in the eye and I said,"I want it all, I do not want a fake marriage. If you want to go get help THEN I will address your question". He was shocked, because I am the nicest person usually. Heck, I give rides to people waiting on the bus in the heat or in the rain. But this type of person doesn't respect a person like me. Anyway, he wanted her more I guess, and didn't go. Probably saved me from False Recovery.

The turning point for me after that = when it finally sunk in was when he took me off his health insurance. My very health and life did not mean anything to him. He just wanted to save the $200.00 a month! I can do better alone!

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 5:39 AM, April 22nd (Monday)]


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2067 | Registered: Jan 2012
Happydays
♂ Member
Member # 38681
Default  Posted: 5:38 AM, April 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He said niceing them back rarely works because this type of person doesn't respect nice, they respect a challenge.

Whoa! So true!


BH 33
FWW 32
DS: 3 year old.
Dday 10/14/2012
No remorse so:
Divorced 02/15/2013. No alimony, no CS, got apartment. Won all battles and mind games off the courts.

Posts: 294 | Registered: Mar 2013
Topic Posts: 19

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