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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Feel like I am on a deserted island
Conflicted1
♀ Member
Member # 39019
Default  Posted: 10:34 PM, April 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Long history. More than one occurrence. First one I forgave quickly and didn't want to quit a new marriage but didn't know how to heal it and looking back now didnt want to lose face with a quickly failed second marriage. Second one - well, kind of hard to ignore when your adult child finds lots of online evidence and brings it to you. We dug in went to counseling and I thought we did the work and really resolved and reconciled. Hard times hit the family in late 2011- he lost a parent, job loss, forced move to new state and whammy we are back here again. Iwas so busy adjusting to changes and keeping my supportive understanding face on that i forgot to watch for signs. i maybe got comfortable too- not such a bad thing i guess in some ways....

At this point i am certain no friends or family would be supportive of another dday recovery so only have WS for support network. I'm in the hot and cold...angry but determined to fix...digging for truth and being so sorrowful stage that I really hoped I'd never have to do again. Just drained wondering if I want to build a fire to be rescued from the island or just build a hut and accept that I am stranded.


Honesty is a very expensive gift. Don't expect it from cheap people.

Posts: 101 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Me=BW 45
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 10:56 PM, April 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

determined to fix

Why?


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7706 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Conflicted1
♀ Member
Member # 39019
Default  Posted: 11:16 PM, April 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good question that I don't have a clear answer for. Partly my personality, my commitment to not quit this marriage until I know I gave it every possible chance. Because even now i still have hope.


Honesty is a very expensive gift. Don't expect it from cheap people.

Posts: 101 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Me=BW 45
Awake2012
♀ New Member
Member # 39018
Default  Posted: 11:26 PM, April 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

digging for truth and being so sorrowful stage that I really hoped I'd never have to do again. Just drained wondering if I want to build a fire to be rescued from the island or just build a hut and accept that I am stranded.


I so feel your pain. I too thought I would never feel this way again. And here I am, just barely a human being these days. I like what you said, and at this point, so exhausted from all the digging because H wont say a thing, Im thinking I want to built a hut. Hope things get better for you. But for me, I think I have lost all hope.


Be true to yourself, they can love you or hate you, but you will be you.

Posts: 30 | Registered: Apr 2013
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 11:32 PM, April 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok. So....

I see you making a lot of excuses for him. Stop doing that. Bad shit happens in life and you don't deal with it by cheating. Period.

I see that YOU want to make sure that you give the marriage every possible chance. Ok, I *get* that. But your WH is on his 3rd strike. Were you ambiguous or vague the first 2 times you caught him? Probably not....especially considering your kid was put in the middle of it.

So what is HIS attitude? What is HE saying about all of this?

You have done YOUR part. HE hasn't.....so this time, it should be HIS turn. Make him figure out why he thinks that cheating is okay. Because if you don't, and you are determined to remain married, then you are going to be stranded in that hut, alone...talking to Wilson.....while all of the life boats pass you by.

[This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 11:34 PM, April 16th (Tuesday)]


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7706 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Conflicted1
♀ Member
Member # 39019
Default  Posted: 11:51 PM, April 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

GB- I appreciate the honest words. He is making the right moves, saying the right things. You are right though I too often give him and others "excuses" when they fail but am never so kind to myself. There is no excuse that makes it ok. He called the person in front of me the day I found the phone record. He left 4d later for a previously planned trip to help his dad after surgery for a week. Will be back Friday. Has plans to see counselor on his return and is being transparent. Just really raw right now and I am being a little self absorbed and frankly taking me time right now.


Honesty is a very expensive gift. Don't expect it from cheap people.

Posts: 101 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Me=BW 45
Conflicted1
♀ Member
Member # 39019
Default  Posted: 11:55 PM, April 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Awake the way I feel changes by the hour right now. I am guessing you are the same. An hour at a time is my current plan-hoping to progress to larger chunks of time soon. Hope you are finding peace now and then.


Honesty is a very expensive gift. Don't expect it from cheap people.

Posts: 101 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Me=BW 45
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 12:50 AM, April 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You need to take *me* time right now. And don't apologize for it. You deserve this time.

C, your WH didn't *fail*. He made a conscious choice.

He has made a good start, it seems, by initiating NC and being transparent. How is he being transparent?

Take care of you right now. Put yourself first, not him. And just take some time and see how your situation plays out.

You will be okay. It might take a while to get there, but you will.....regardless of what happens with your marriage.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7706 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
BaldwinBeauty59
♀ Member
Member # 35507
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, April 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just drained wondering if I want to build a fire to be rescued from the island

This^^^^^^^.

Partly my personality, my commitment to not quit this marriage until I know I gave it every possible chance. Because even now i still have hope.

Unfortunately, you are the only one that is married. He isn't. What are you trying to save? He has a long history of cheating on you. There is nothing you did to cause it and nothing you can do to stop it. You can't "fix" him. He has to do it and he has to want to do it. He might just be telling you what you want to hear until the heat dies down and then he will go back to his old ways. You have proved to him that you aren't going anywhere no matter how much he hurts you by cheating. He knows that he just needs to wait it out. When the risk of losing you is greater than the thrill of an A, then he might want to change his ways. He needs some serious IC to find out why he is broken inside and why he chose to stay broken for so long. He has done this three times (that you know of). My sister was M to a serial cheater for 20 years. He never changed no matter what he promised and how remorseful he was. He got better and better at hiding the A's. She was stubborn and determined to keep her family together but she finally realized that no matter what she did, she couldn't fix him and save the M. So she divorced him and she is happy and healthy in a marriage with a man that doesn't cheat on her.


Me - BW (53)
Him - WH (56)
OW - skanky whore coworker
Married 33 years
DDay1 8/10/11
DDay2 8/15/11
DDay3 8/28/11
2 grown children
Status - in R

Posts: 978 | Registered: May 2012
Watching2bSure
♀ Member
Member # 38217
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, April 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Conflicted - I am hearing echoes of my own words in your posts. I too was (still am?) determined to "fix" or "heal" my WH and my family. I never wanted to be divorced, and my WH knew this. I threatened immediate D if I ever found him cheating, but my actions did not match my words (allowed him to gaslight me, rugswept obvious clues, etc.), so he kept at it.

When the risk of losing you is greater than the thrill of an A, then he might want to change his ways.

^^^^^ This is what finally brought about some concrete changes in his behavior. Will it be enough? Hard for me to say right now - the YEARS of lies and deception overwhelm me at times. My entire life has been turned upside-down. I have very few friends who support my decision to continue with R. My children's lives have been demolished - there is still so much they don't know, but will, in time, discover.

I understand "drained" and I feel like I have built that hut you spoke of, but it is leaky, cold and not very safe.

Deep breaths, one day (or hour) at a time. {{{Conflicted1}}}


Me (BW): 40's, WH: 40's
M: 14 yrs, 2 kids (teens)
DDay: 1st "official" DDay in 2011 (EA only, or so I thought) 2nd DDay in early 2012 (PA same OW), TT for months, 3rd DDay 6 months later (multiple affairs revealed)

Posts: 57 | Registered: Jan 2013
Topic Posts: 10

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