I think you either have it in you to do it or you don't- I think it's a hugely personal choice and shifting blame is pathetic.
I think this is overly simplistic.
There are extremes at both ends of the spectrum...some that would not cheat no matter how awful their spouse is, or no matter how ignored they feel, and how infrequent sex is, etc. We have plenty of examples to prove it here on this forum.
And others cheat even though they are waited on hand in foot, given sex whenever they want, put on a pedestal at home, just catered to in every way possible.
And it is my belief there are a lot more in the middle who "might cheat" under some circumstances. This does not make those who cheated under these extenuating (unhappy marriage, etc.) circumstances any less responsible for their choice.
I do agree the only way to be absolutely positive you won't get cheated on is to stay single.
The only way to prevent infidelity is to stay SINGLE, everyone's capable of it given the right " perfect storm"
Who would guess that we, the emotionally battered and abused, could deliver these brutal truths and still make people laugh? Well done!
So many,way too may,newly betrayed spouses are told that our spouses cheated because of something we did..that it is somehow our fault. We are told by our WS's that they cheated because we did *this* or *that* wrong. It is such complete bullshit. We have no control over their actions. they,and they alone,are responsible for what they choose to do. I think it's so very important for every BS who comes to SI,to know this is not their fault. This thread explains why.
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
Similar situations, tried to initiate conversations but completely shut out. Was providing support, etc but when looking back was really lacking from him. You can't fix or try to fix if you don't know. A friend of mine just found out - a few days ago - she's blindsided. I thought their relationship was wonderful. Always affectionate, talking, laughing. So yes I think if they want to do it they will do it. My mother used to say.... just because you can doesn't mean you should.
On a personal level I agree that as a newbie this is just what I wanted to hear as I was starting to ? myself. Logic & rationality tell me this & I know this is not because of me, but at times the insecurities rare their heads. We just need to be reminded at times.
Sure there was. We were BOTH unhappy. BUT ONLY HE CHEATED!
By their rules, I had the right to, no?
Sorry, but these cheaters are the ones who decide to do what they do and then blame us.
They can never be trusted, need to always be watched, and taken back only once.
Many a time it has nothing to with. Any WS who can say its your fault or if you would have done more is still in denial.
They forget the relationship has 2 people. Most of the time the BS spouses need are not getting met but we still choose to be loyal. I use to say if anyone should've cheated it should have been me. A lot of the time I put myself on the back burner to meet his needs even when mine werent getting met.
DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF FOR HIS CHOICES!!
You could have been the perfect woman, Super Woman. WS are broken and its a lack of their ability to love themselves and feel love that causes them to look elsewhere for what they need. There are a lot of Mental issues going on in the mind of the wayward for them to compartmentalize, rationalize,project, minimize, maximize, and whatever else they are doing to make the decision to be dis loyal and betray the one person they promised and made a covenant not to. The one person they eventually realize loved them more than they could imagine.
I can only blame myself for not be more aware. Not trusting my own gut and my own instincts. Blind trusting another and letting myself be in denial of what my heart knew. I was everything a/my man could ask for at one point/ at others I wasnt but either way it didnt stop him. Just changed his reasoning and/or excuse. Theres always something that could have been done better but there are other options than betraying and destroying someone in the way having an A does.
They are just broken people with issues and voids they have to learn how to fill before they can be faithful happy and love and be loved.
I stayed trim and fit and did looked the best I possibly could, and still--after 24 years of marriage, it was not enough. The good thing is that I know that it would be enough for some other guy who would love to have a wife like me.
Now that my WH is found out, he is scrambling to make things better and keep me. The problem is that I don't know if I want him anymore. There is a price to pay for treating your loved ones like crap, unfortunately.
He said all this to justify his actions. He has not shown a bit of remorse. He is a narcissist and needed new supply. He got what he could from me and when that was drained, moved on to the next woman who gave him the never ending attention that he needs. He is broken, he uses people to serve his needs.
He never thought about how his actions would affect me, saying the affair "just happened". How to you "just happen" to end up in someone else's bed?? How do you "just happen" to lie and deceive your wife for 4 months? How do you "just happen" to end up in a hotel room???? BS!!
I was not the perfect wife, I got cranky. I am a good student, I get good grades and that takes time. I supported him and his 16 hour long work days. I supported him by taking care of things in the house, cooking meals, cleaning house, attending bank functions, entertaining his friends, rubbing his back and neck almost every night so he could go to sleep. Did his laundry, picked up his dry cleaning, did the shopping, cooking. My world became all about him - his job, his needs, his house, his yard.......
I never looked at another man, I was loyal and devoted to him. I loved him with all my heart. I trusted him. I talked to him. I was honest with him.
He broke the vows. He cheated on me. He will admit to breaking the vows, but really not taking responsibility for it because he blames me. I did not hold a gun to his head and said go fuck someone else. He made that choice!!!!
Choose to love yourself now, choose to know that you were a good wife, a kind wife, an honest and loving wife. You are a good person. You did NOTHING to deserve this!!!!!! It is him. It is his narcissism. It is his issue. Not yours.
It really has nothing to do with you. Genuinely. His sister still likes to make jokes about all the times he dated 6 or 9 women at the same time and none of them knew about the others. (I hope she doesn't know about his A's if she does she's just MEAN.)
Anyway, see people want to think they caused it somehow because if they did then they can control it somehow. But, you didn't and you can't. You have to choose a response to the choices he's made and the choices he makes from now on.
ETA -- wish I'd known he was a cheater before I married him! He gave me some sob story about having been cheated ON.
[This message edited by m334455 at 1:40 AM, April 18th (Thursday)]
It doesn't help that some so-called "therapists" are also totally clueless when it comes to infidelity and some even share the same mindset (which is what likely led them to psychology in the first place).
One thing from Dawn's post that really summarizes the wayward mindset for many cases:
I supported him and his 16 hour long work days. I supported him by taking care of things in the house, cooking meals, cleaning house, attending bank functions, entertaining his friends, rubbing his back and neck almost every night so he could go to sleep. Did his laundry, picked up his dry cleaning, did the shopping, cooking. My world became all about him - his job, his needs, his house, his yard.......
This is the inherent problem with many waywards. They have problems filling that hole: one that isn't really even being filled by 110% of the efforts of another, but if that 110% drops to 98%, they feel entitled to go cheat and blame it all on the betrayed.. rewrite history, try and take this ENSLAVEMENT of another person and make it sound like THEY were the victim through lies and rewriting, etc. etc.
Many even tell the OM/OW they are neglected, abused, slaves, etc. etc. Even if they can't be bothered to pick up their own dirty laundry and put it in the hamper (so the other person can do 99% of the domestic work/chores), they will live with this delusion of how hard of work they did (yah, that time in the summer of 1973 when they wiped one(1) dish in the sink before bitching at you to do the dishes).
This isn't demonizing the wayward either. This is pointing out the very tragic, sad issues many of them have when it comes to dealing with this problem. They are looking outside of themselves for commendation, attention and validation that normal, healthy people get from themselves. It can never be fully reached externally, although it can be slightly numbed through massive external validation. This puts many of them in this dire situation of constantly searching for this and trying to put out that fire. It destroys their relationships, ends their marriages, puts them in dangerous positions (can you say HIV or pregnancy? or costly divorce? alienation from social groups, etc. etc.), and doesn't lead to a very rewarding life. No matter how "happy" they may appear on the surface, underneath there is often times pain. misery and a big, insatiable hole.
[This message edited by MediumRare at 1:49 PM, April 18th (Thursday)]
I believe he could be married to the girl of his dreams, and cheat on her with the next girl on his list. I believe he was literally born a cheater.
We are responsible for our own choices. We don't get to choose what happens to us, we only get to choose how we handle what happens to us. We can say X y and Z happened, or so and so did or didn't do this so I had an affair. WRONG!! There are lots of other ways to handle those situations. Whichever you choose, you are ultimately responsible for them. Whether they have destructive or productive outcomes. It's easy to make sense of it all by putting the blame somewhere, I get that. But lets make sure the choices made get put with the person who actually made the choice to do what they did.
*Throws down mic and walks off stage
trying to figure out when it all started, what made it start
It started when he decided he wanted to cheat. Why?
Maybe: Entitlement ~ he knew he could. Certainly: Selfishness.
In my case all of the above + I obviously married a lying, immoral asshole.
The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.
[This message edited by Deeply Scared at 6:36 AM, April 19th (Friday)]
Sorry, I call bull on both counts. I have a high sex drive and like it very much. And if someone isn't getting enough attention (because they think like a 12 year old) then bloody well bring it up. Screwing another person is just another way of saying 'fuck you, I don't give a shit how much I hurt you'.
The fact there are extremes at both ends of the spectrum and the vast majority in the middle only proves my point in my opinion.
We can have an agreement to agree on the way to be absolutely positive you won't get cheated on though!
Also- YES nordicbabe, that is correct in my (not so humble) opinion. If I get denied a few times it doesn't cross my mind to cheat!
[This message edited by idiot85 at 9:56 AM, April 19th (Friday)]
Alea iacta est...