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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: How To Prevent Infidelity
heforgotme
♀ Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, April 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

While everyone is entitled to their opinion, i would respectfully suggest that this thread does not belong in JFO


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1081 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
Bobbi_sue
♀ Member
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, April 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you either have it in you to do it or you don't- I think it's a hugely personal choice and shifting blame is pathetic.

I think this is overly simplistic.


There are extremes at both ends of the spectrum...some that would not cheat no matter how awful their spouse is, or no matter how ignored they feel, and how infrequent sex is, etc. We have plenty of examples to prove it here on this forum.

And others cheat even though they are waited on hand in foot, given sex whenever they want, put on a pedestal at home, just catered to in every way possible.

And it is my belief there are a lot more in the middle who "might cheat" under some circumstances. This does not make those who cheated under these extenuating (unhappy marriage, etc.) circumstances any less responsible for their choice.

I do agree the only way to be absolutely positive you won't get cheated on is to stay single.

The only way to prevent infidelity is to stay SINGLE, everyone's capable of it given the right " perfect storm"


Posts: 5746 | Registered: Apr 2006
noprincess
♀ Member
Member # 38660
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, April 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@ Stillgoing: Thank you for the laugh! You kinda put it all together prefectly and made me double over laughing at the same time.

Who would guess that we, the emotionally battered and abused, could deliver these brutal truths and still make people laugh? Well done!


"Never, never, never give up." - Winston Churchill

Posts: 138 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, April 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think this is the best place for this thread..respectfully disagreeing with you,heforgotme..


So many,way too may,newly betrayed spouses are told that our spouses cheated because of something we did..that it is somehow our fault. We are told by our WS's that they cheated because we did *this* or *that* wrong. It is such complete bullshit. We have no control over their actions. they,and they alone,are responsible for what they choose to do. I think it's so very important for every BS who comes to SI,to know this is not their fault. This thread explains why.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7499 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
livebythesea
♀ Member
Member # 38900
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, April 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're absolutely right MediumRare! If he was not "satisfied" he should have spoken up. But he didn't. He would shut me out! Didn't want to talk, walk away. He did not have the courage, confidence and respect to ask me for help. He chose the devil's route. And, unfortunately, most of members on this site, this is what happened! They walked away, and chose the devil's route. It is time we face up, and stop the bleeding. Fix our broken hearts, and live the rest of our life in peace.


HIM - 56(looks older by the day)
his time has come
ME - 56 (heart aged lately)
DD1 April 5 2013 (told me a lie)
DD2 April 23 2013
DD3 June 22 2013
3 children
1 grand child

Posts: 195 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Near the ocean ... Canada
libertyrocks
♀ Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, April 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How to prevent infidelity and turn leaves into dollars? Sounds like we'd all like to do both of them. Sorry, I got burned pretty bad. "I" should have been the one to cheat. I won't get into details. Yeah, I thought about it twice with exes, but I CHOSE not to do it. Every one has a little devil and a little angel on their shoulders. Some just listen to the angel a little bit more.


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
scrambled2
♀ New Member
Member # 38901
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, April 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you esp. mediumrare, livebythe sea & liberty rocks, the words and scenarios really resonated with me. I'm 4 mths out today, doing it alone. He chose her over me.

Similar situations, tried to initiate conversations but completely shut out. Was providing support, etc but when looking back was really lacking from him. You can't fix or try to fix if you don't know. A friend of mine just found out - a few days ago - she's blindsided. I thought their relationship was wonderful. Always affectionate, talking, laughing. So yes I think if they want to do it they will do it. My mother used to say.... just because you can doesn't mean you should.

On a personal level I agree that as a newbie this is just what I wanted to hear as I was starting to ? myself. Logic & rationality tell me this & I know this is not because of me, but at times the insecurities rare their heads. We just need to be reminded at times.


Posts: 26 | Registered: Apr 2013
daledge
♀ Member
Member # 38886
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, April 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think that this a great thread. I was told by a therapist and a marriage counselor that the reason my dirtbag husband cheated was because there was something wrong with the relationship.

Sure there was. We were BOTH unhappy. BUT ONLY HE CHEATED!

By their rules, I had the right to, no?

Sorry, but these cheaters are the ones who decide to do what they do and then blame us.

They can never be trusted, need to always be watched, and taken back only once.


Posts: 106 | Registered: Apr 2013
TICKED OFF
♀ Member
Member # 8291
Default  Posted: 5:57 PM, April 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"daledge" I highly agree......or at least in my own situation. I will never again trust him, I will always have a watchful eye over him (however with time this is diminishing because I just don't give a damn any longer) AND if it ever happens again I will be gone in a heartbeat.


Posts: 2446 | Registered: Sep 2005
whensenough
♀ Member
Member # 36700
Default  Posted: 6:10 PM, April 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Marriage is for better or WORST. so no matter how bad the WS was feeling to justify the choice is irrelevant.

Many a time it has nothing to with. Any WS who can say its your fault or if you would have done more is still in denial.

They forget the relationship has 2 people. Most of the time the BS spouses need are not getting met but we still choose to be loyal. I use to say if anyone should've cheated it should have been me. A lot of the time I put myself on the back burner to meet his needs even when mine werent getting met.

DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF FOR HIS CHOICES!!

You could have been the perfect woman, Super Woman. WS are broken and its a lack of their ability to love themselves and feel love that causes them to look elsewhere for what they need. There are a lot of Mental issues going on in the mind of the wayward for them to compartmentalize, rationalize,project, minimize, maximize, and whatever else they are doing to make the decision to be dis loyal and betray the one person they promised and made a covenant not to. The one person they eventually realize loved them more than they could imagine.

I can only blame myself for not be more aware. Not trusting my own gut and my own instincts. Blind trusting another and letting myself be in denial of what my heart knew. I was everything a/my man could ask for at one point/ at others I wasnt but either way it didnt stop him. Just changed his reasoning and/or excuse. Theres always something that could have been done better but there are other options than betraying and destroying someone in the way having an A does.

They are just broken people with issues and voids they have to learn how to fill before they can be faithful happy and love and be loved.


WSO: 29
BSO: 27 mommy of 3 under 7, #4 due may 2013
D Day#1: august 25 2010 ow#1
D Day#2: jun 15 2012 from 7 mt PA/EA with ow#2
+ a couple of short term flings.
D Day #3 sometime the last week in march / false R Same ow
OVER IT ALL!! DONE!!

Posts: 222 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Tx
Siamesecat
♀ New Member
Member # 36237
Default  Posted: 9:17 PM, April 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know I also didn't ignore. I made him a priority--so much so that I never made myself the priority, but I never let on. He got plenty of sex, a clean house, happy, cared for kids. I have always felt like it was the right thing to put him first, even when he was not putting me first (let's be honest--I wasn't even in the top ten!).

I stayed trim and fit and did looked the best I possibly could, and still--after 24 years of marriage, it was not enough. The good thing is that I know that it would be enough for some other guy who would love to have a wife like me.

Now that my WH is found out, he is scrambling to make things better and keep me. The problem is that I don't know if I want him anymore. There is a price to pay for treating your loved ones like crap, unfortunately.


Me:BW
Him:WH
Married 23 years
3 loved children
D-Day: July 2012

Posts: 28 | Registered: Jul 2012
Dawn58
♀ Member
Member # 37656
Default  Posted: 12:38 AM, April 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He blamed me for the affair, saying he wasn't my number one priority anymore, school was. He said I changed the day we got married. He said that I didn't get along with his family. He said I wasn't social enough. He said he found someone he thought he could love, someone more suited to his lifestyle.

He said all this to justify his actions. He has not shown a bit of remorse. He is a narcissist and needed new supply. He got what he could from me and when that was drained, moved on to the next woman who gave him the never ending attention that he needs. He is broken, he uses people to serve his needs.

He never thought about how his actions would affect me, saying the affair "just happened". How to you "just happen" to end up in someone else's bed?? How do you "just happen" to lie and deceive your wife for 4 months? How do you "just happen" to end up in a hotel room???? BS!!

I was not the perfect wife, I got cranky. I am a good student, I get good grades and that takes time. I supported him and his 16 hour long work days. I supported him by taking care of things in the house, cooking meals, cleaning house, attending bank functions, entertaining his friends, rubbing his back and neck almost every night so he could go to sleep. Did his laundry, picked up his dry cleaning, did the shopping, cooking. My world became all about him - his job, his needs, his house, his yard.......

I never looked at another man, I was loyal and devoted to him. I loved him with all my heart. I trusted him. I talked to him. I was honest with him.

He broke the vows. He cheated on me. He will admit to breaking the vows, but really not taking responsibility for it because he blames me. I did not hold a gun to his head and said go fuck someone else. He made that choice!!!!

Choose to love yourself now, choose to know that you were a good wife, a kind wife, an honest and loving wife. You are a good person. You did NOTHING to deserve this!!!!!! It is him. It is his narcissism. It is his issue. Not yours.


I got into the marriage, because I loved him. I got out of the marriage, because I love me.

Posts: 468 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Southern California
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 1:30 AM, April 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gently, my husband's main affair started many years before I met him, when he was in college and I was probably in middle school. He'd been with his LTA AP for 20 years by the time I had a Dday 7 years into our marriage.

It really has nothing to do with you. Genuinely. His sister still likes to make jokes about all the times he dated 6 or 9 women at the same time and none of them knew about the others. (I hope she doesn't know about his A's if she does she's just MEAN.)

Anyway, see people want to think they caused it somehow because if they did then they can control it somehow. But, you didn't and you can't. You have to choose a response to the choices he's made and the choices he makes from now on.

ETA -- wish I'd known he was a cheater before I married him! He gave me some sob story about having been cheated ON.

[This message edited by m334455 at 1:40 AM, April 18th (Thursday)]


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
MediumRare
♂ Member
Member # 35128
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, April 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I respectfully disagree this doesn't belong in JFO. It's critical to be in JFO since I believe one of the first things a betrayed feels is low self-esteem or cycling through trying to figure out why THEY failed or why THEY are at fault for the affair(s). It should be 100% focus on the total opposite- what a freaking asshat/shitface the WS is for cheating.

It doesn't help that some so-called "therapists" are also totally clueless when it comes to infidelity and some even share the same mindset (which is what likely led them to psychology in the first place).

One thing from Dawn's post that really summarizes the wayward mindset for many cases:

I supported him and his 16 hour long work days. I supported him by taking care of things in the house, cooking meals, cleaning house, attending bank functions, entertaining his friends, rubbing his back and neck almost every night so he could go to sleep. Did his laundry, picked up his dry cleaning, did the shopping, cooking. My world became all about him - his job, his needs, his house, his yard.......

This is SO typical of the scenario! The BS is doing much, much more of the work/contribution to the relationship... like 90%/10%. That was my situation as well. She didn't work, she didn't clean, she complained/moaned constantly, high-maintenance, wanted 24/7 special treatment and attention. But if you slip up for ONE day and don't make them #1 (despite YOUR needs being like #2,017 on their list in return), off they go to jump on some other dick/go fuck some tramp to "feel better"...

This is the inherent problem with many waywards. They have problems filling that hole: one that isn't really even being filled by 110% of the efforts of another, but if that 110% drops to 98%, they feel entitled to go cheat and blame it all on the betrayed.. rewrite history, try and take this ENSLAVEMENT of another person and make it sound like THEY were the victim through lies and rewriting, etc. etc.

Many even tell the OM/OW they are neglected, abused, slaves, etc. etc. Even if they can't be bothered to pick up their own dirty laundry and put it in the hamper (so the other person can do 99% of the domestic work/chores), they will live with this delusion of how hard of work they did (yah, that time in the summer of 1973 when they wiped one(1) dish in the sink before bitching at you to do the dishes).

This isn't demonizing the wayward either. This is pointing out the very tragic, sad issues many of them have when it comes to dealing with this problem. They are looking outside of themselves for commendation, attention and validation that normal, healthy people get from themselves. It can never be fully reached externally, although it can be slightly numbed through massive external validation. This puts many of them in this dire situation of constantly searching for this and trying to put out that fire. It destroys their relationships, ends their marriages, puts them in dangerous positions (can you say HIV or pregnancy? or costly divorce? alienation from social groups, etc. etc.), and doesn't lead to a very rewarding life. No matter how "happy" they may appear on the surface, underneath there is often times pain. misery and a big, insatiable hole.

[This message edited by MediumRare at 1:49 PM, April 18th (Thursday)]


BS (ME): 44
WS(HER): 42
9 years
OM#1- 20-something loser, stole bunch of my things after she had sex with him in our bed (no condoms, STDs)
OM#2- 24 year old, unemployed loser, lives with mom & dad
DDay 1/2012
NC 3/20/2012
SGASDay 4/1/2012

Posts: 717 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: California
anewhaven
♀ Member
Member # 34246
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, April 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it is born in some people. My husband cheated on his girlfriend prior to our marriage with me. (I didn't know). He cheated on me a month before our wedding. (I didn't know.) He started a 12 year affair while we were happily married. (I didn't know.) He had a child born from their affair. (I didn't know.)

I believe he could be married to the girl of his dreams, and cheat on her with the next girl on his list. I believe he was literally born a cheater.


Posts: 68 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: USA
RyeBread
♂ Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, April 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Two words - PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY

We are responsible for our own choices. We don't get to choose what happens to us, we only get to choose how we handle what happens to us. We can say X y and Z happened, or so and so did or didn't do this so I had an affair. WRONG!! There are lots of other ways to handle those situations. Whichever you choose, you are ultimately responsible for them. Whether they have destructive or productive outcomes. It's easy to make sense of it all by putting the blame somewhere, I get that. But lets make sure the choices made get put with the person who actually made the choice to do what they did.

*Throws down mic and walks off stage


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 1030 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
RidingHealingRd
♀ Member
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 1:07 AM, April 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was being ignored while my WH was busy betraying me and it did not cause me to cheat.

trying to figure out when it all started, what made it start

It started when he decided he wanted to cheat. Why?
Maybe: Entitlement ~ he knew he could. Certainly: Selfishness.

In my case all of the above + I obviously married a lying, immoral asshole.


ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 3.5 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.


Posts: 2109 | Registered: Nov 2011
Trying33
♀ Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 2:09 AM, April 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS Only

[This message edited by Deeply Scared at 6:36 AM, April 19th (Friday)]


Posts: 362 | Registered: Mar 2013
nordicbabe
♀ Member
Member # 35419
Default  Posted: 4:03 AM, April 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wait a sex...men have higher sex drives than women? Women not giving enough attention to their men drives them to cheat?

Sorry, I call bull on both counts. I have a high sex drive and like it very much. And if someone isn't getting enough attention (because they think like a 12 year old) then bloody well bring it up. Screwing another person is just another way of saying 'fuck you, I don't give a shit how much I hurt you'.


Posts: 1468 | Registered: Apr 2012
idiot85
♂ Member
Member # 38934
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, April 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@Bobbi_sue, I respectfully don't think it is over simplistic. If one falls into a category of "might" cheat this means they have it in them to!

The fact there are extremes at both ends of the spectrum and the vast majority in the middle only proves my point in my opinion.

We can have an agreement to agree on the way to be absolutely positive you won't get cheated on though!

Also- YES nordicbabe, that is correct in my (not so humble) opinion. If I get denied a few times it doesn't cross my mind to cheat!

[This message edited by idiot85 at 9:56 AM, April 19th (Friday)]


BH-29 (me)
WW-28

Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.


Posts: 575 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty
Topic Posts: 51
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