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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: How To Prevent Infidelity
cdnmommy
♀ Member
Member # 30182
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, April 20th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If being ignored by your spouse leads to them cheating then they should study me to see what's wrong with me. I managed to live in a marriage where my needs were not being met (including 20 sexless months) for over 2.5 years and my response was always to try to work on things, never to cheat.

When DDay came I had started to look into divorce. Still never considered cheating.

Betraying and lying to ones SO is about not being able or willing to make a healthier choice. Period.


Me: BW
DDay: Oct 2010 + 6 weeks false R
2.5 (+?) year A with married coworker/my "friend"
1 great kid.
Reconciling and healing

Posts: 1752 | Registered: Nov 2010
momdaughterwife
♀ Member
Member # 32209
Default  Posted: 10:42 PM, April 20th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gently- I thought it was my fault, so I tried paying more attention to him, and he cheated again. Eventually I hope you can see you cannot prevent it. Only he can. The only way is for him to get IC to figure out his why's.
Something else too. I hope you're in IC to figure out why you were 'ignoring' him. Is it possible he was causing you pain back then in subtle or obvious ways? Before you assume you're at fault, dig deep both of you.
Finally- I like sex but twice a day? I don't know many people who could do that but maybe I'm naive. That seems like a red flag but others will weigh in I'm sure.


Me BS
Him WH
2 boys
We've all been through a lot. Our family seems to be thriving again. I pray that will continue.

Posts: 825 | Registered: May 2011
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 11:07 PM, April 20th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry my friends but the BS could never have done anything to prevent the WS from cheating.

It is a choice.

As well I hate reading/hearing any of the crap that suggests the BS did something to deserve it.

A couple of months ago I was having a drink with some colleagues after work. (2 ladies and a man). I have worked closely with them for many years and the two ladies know my sich.

At some point I don't remember why the man said something about his wife's "indiscretion" 8 years ago. I did a double take and without thinking blurted out : "You mean she cheated on you?".

He said yes that she had and then went on to explain that it was all his fault and why. After a time I couldn't help myself. I interrupted him and said "Good grief, I don't care if you were a serial killer, a wife beater who starved the children ....nothing you did can EVER justify her cheating. If there are problems in the M you try to sort them out, if that doesn't work you split up. Nothing ever justifies cheating".

You can't prevent infidelity. It is a fact of life. People cheat in the best Ms and the worst Ms but their behaviour is all on them.

HUGS

Laura


Married 32yrs Me BW 58Yrs Him FWH 60yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA 16+ years).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2755 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Housefulloflove
♀ Member
Member # 38458
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, April 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Marital problems doesn't make someone a cheater just like financial problems doesn't make someone a thief. A cheater is a broken person with maladaptive coping mechanisms and lacking morals.


The way to prevent infidelity is to marry someone who wouldn't cheat. Of course most of us *thought* we did that but cheaters don't identify themselves until they start cheating unfortunately.

My WH is emotionally dead. I could never connect with him and he has the maturity level of a small brat child when it comes to most things. I felt lonely, unappreciated, unloved, etc OFTEN in our marriage and dealt with very long physical separations while my WH was in the military.

Did I cheat? No. Because that isn't something I was ever willing to do. If I was looking for a reason I would have had plenty but there is no justification for an affair.


Me-29 Starting over
ExWH-29 Probable NPD, PA, manchild
3 beautiful young children
DDay 1/20/13 Admits PA
No remorse so NO R. DIVORCED! 9/2013

Posts: 541 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
HurtButHopeful?
♀ Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 1:23 AM, April 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I love what Housefulloflove said!!

Marital problems doesn't make someone a cheater just like financial problems doesn't make someone a thief. A cheater is a broken person with maladaptive coping mechanisms and lacking morals.


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
allatsea
♂ Member
Member # 38923
Default  Posted: 4:03 AM, April 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Love this "Marital problems doesn't make someone a cheater just like financial problems doesn't make someone a thief"

Fantastic


You can't fix crazy. All you can do is document it

Posts: 721 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
Happydays
♂ Member
Member # 38681
Default  Posted: 5:45 AM, April 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS could never have done anything to prevent the WS from cheating.

Marital problems doesn't make someone a cheater just like financial problems doesn't make someone a thief. A cheater is a broken person with maladaptive coping mechanisms and lacking morals

Applause! Well Said!


BH 33
FWW 32
DS: 3 year old.
Dday 10/14/2012
No remorse so:
Divorced 02/15/2013. No alimony, no CS, got apartment. Won all battles and mind games off the courts.

Posts: 294 | Registered: Mar 2013
nofool4u
♂ Member
Member # 38509
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Infidelity will always exist. The question is "how to recognize it" before it begins. How to prevent putting ourselves in such deep pain.

I'm sorry, but I read this as "Do exactly as your potential WS wants, or they will cheat"

Sounds like infidelity blackmail.

Now this isn't to say that one shouldn't always strive to make a marriage or relationship work, but to think that you have to specifically do something out of fear of being cheated on, no thanks.


Me - fBS

Posts: 210 | Registered: Feb 2013
OneFootForward
♂ Member
Member # 39136
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Marital problems doesn't make someone a cheater just like financial problems doesn't make someone a thief. A cheater is a broken person with maladaptive coping mechanisms and lacking morals.

I am changing my sig right now. Awesome!


Me: 42 BS
Her: 41 EMA
Married: 16 years
D-Day#1: 04/17/13
D-Day#2: 05/8/13
Children: 9,5 (girls)
Om: High School Flame
"Marital problems doesn't make someone a cheater just like financial problems doesn't make someone a thief"

Posts: 71 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Mobile, AL
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If we had the answer on how to prevent it we wouldn't be here.

The choice of a WS to cheat is theirs alone to make. Nothing you do or don't do makes them cheat or remain faithful.

Yes a lot of marriages seem to have an A when they are in the late 30's and 40's. I think a lot of men feel that they have reached their full potential at this point, and realize that it isn't what they wanted it to be. They become unhappy w/ the day to day life, and blah blah blah we end up here.

IF someone does figure out a way to prevent it they will be famously rich. Patent that and sell it.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8744 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
standinghere
♂ Member
Member # 34689
Default  Posted: 3:14 AM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The only infidelity you can prevent is your own.

I had the same thoughts, three months before my wife cheated on me she asked me to go to counseling. I didn't refuse, but I did say hat I thought we could just talk about what was bothering her. I was wrong. She was already lying to me about what she was doing when she was with friends, the OM, was just waiting to randomly be met, and she was lying to her doctor as well. It turned out that we went to counseling 7 months later, during which time she had an affair, was drinking heavily when I was not around, was using marijuana in secret, and going "fucking nuts" in her own words later.

Did any of this come up in counseling?

No.

The problem was that nobody knew what her life had been like before she met me, and she was never going to tell that story, even if she killed herself because of how it made her feel.

How do you prevent affairs? Your own, of course. By being honest with yourself, honest with others, and recognizing slippery people and places for what they are.

I'm married. I have a wife and kids. There is a flirtatious woman younger but still near my age, single, attractive, works with me, and has made her interest in me apparent, and she knows I'm married. If I were single, I'd be there.

But, I'm being honest with myself. My family depends on me. I do matter. My faithfulness matters. cheating does hurt others even if they don't know. I know I'm attracted, I know that I'm flattered by her attention, and I know that there is never any good reason for us to ever be alone at any time, anywhere, and that any such steps are infidelity, long before the sex happens.

Of course, I learned all this the hard way.


BH - Me - Late 30's (now late 40's)
WW - Her - Late 30's (now late 40's)
4 Children
Her - Love of my life...still is.
Reconciled - Partly...she can't get over it.
Her - Thunderstruck by what she did.

Posts: 1020 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 51
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