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Newest Member: Hurtlostempty (45065)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: No such thing as a soul mate?
Rya617
♀ New Member
Member # 39028
Default  Posted: 10:04 PM, April 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I resent WH deeply for robbing me of the "fairy tale" love I felt. After learning of the A I have been working so hard to reconcile. I was pregnant while he was seeing OW. he broke it off a couple weeks before i found out. He says now that he loves me more than he ever has. I feel the opposite, I love him right now but I don't feel "in love" with him anymore. It has been 2 years, I was hoping to feel differently by now. Anyone else feel like this yet find a way to successfully reconcile?

Together 15 years, 7 years married
My age: 32
His age: 33
D-day: Dec 24, 2010
Kids: 2 daughters age 2 and 4


Me: BS (32)
Him: WH (33)
Dday: 12/24/2010
Kids: 2- ages 2 and 4

Posts: 14 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Indiana
mepe27
♀ Member
Member # 18158
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, April 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For the first few years after R I was grieving the loss of the marriage I thought I had. I thought I had that soul mate/fairytale thing and turns out I clearly did not! At first I was pissed, I felt like if we don't have that what do we have, some shitty marriage? Some meh marriage, if it's not soul mates, than it must be crap.

But I loved him still and he was working his butt off to help fix our marriage, I didn't want to throw it out if he was willing to work on it so I had to figure out what we had.

I cried and grieved and had to learn to redefine my feelings and beliefs. I struggled.

Eventually I learned to accept that we did not have a fairy tale marriage, we had problems besides his A and I was ignoring them or making excuses. The marriage we were creating after the A was more honest, more real, it had horrible times and authentically good times. I eventually began to look at reality as better than any fairytale. I changed my mind b/c I liked what my H and I were creating more than what I thought we had, which wasn't even real!!!

But I had to figure out how to let go of all those old beliefs. I don't believe in soul mates anymore and thats ok, I choose everyday to be with my H and everyday he chooses me and thats pretty awesome! it was a shift in my thinking that helped me be happy again.


Me BW-39
H WH-41
Married for 10 years
Two boys 6yrs, 3yrs
D-Day 12/1/07
Got whole painful truth 2/2/08
5/15/2008 EA with co-worker, I left
6/1/08 - We are committing to R
"One falsehood destroys a thousand truths"

Posts: 2303 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Georgia
hopingforhappy
♀ Member
Member # 29288
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, April 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think the whole idea of "soulmates" and "fairytale marriage" does us all a disservice. It makes people think that a M can be successful just by being in it. I was a person who believed that and I now think it is just wrong. The only way a M will be successful is for both partners to work very hard at it. That "for better or worse" part of the M vows is no joke--too bad we don't understand that when we say those words. I didn't at least. I meant those words when I said them, I just didn't know what they really meant.

Rya617, you might not believe this right now, but in the long run, you will be so much better off without "fairy tale" love. It is flimsy and fluffy. It will take you a while, because it takes a long time to heal from infidelity. But let go of the idea of fairy tale love and embrace real life, hard core, gritty love. It is the kind that lasts. (But only if your WH is doing the work!)


Me--BW (56)
Him--FWH (53)--5yr. LTA--OW probably BPD
Married 20 years
DS-18, DD-15
Reconciling--but boy is it hard!

Posts: 1315 | Registered: Aug 2010
libertyrocks
♀ Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, April 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm only 5 months into it and wondering how I will be in a year or two from now. I have good days and bad days. They always start out great, with positive thinking, loving the kids before I go to work in the morning, phone calls and texts to WH saying how much we mean to one another. Then, bam, a trigger, it's all gone to shit. I can't even cry anymore. I just hurt. It's a dry kind of hurt now.

He still claims I'm his soulmate. Ha! In what universe is he in???

Yeah, soul mates is like the tooth fairy for me now.


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
Rya617
♀ New Member
Member # 39028
Default  Posted: 10:12 PM, April 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you so much for your responses. It's so great to hear that my feelings (which sometimes feel insane) are pretty common among BS. I am staying optimistic and taking it one day at a time. We are still going to therapy to learn how to communicate more effectively. I'm not giving up!
Good luck to all and remember that you are stronger for staying, don't let anyone convince you otherwise!


Me: BS (32)
Him: WH (33)
Dday: 12/24/2010
Kids: 2- ages 2 and 4

Posts: 14 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Indiana
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 10:39 PM, April 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mepe27 said it best! I am just now starting to get the courage up to really look at what I am mourning...and it is tough! My marriage pre-A was not perfect...we were happy, but really just kind of floating along.

I am quickly learning that marriage success comes from intentionality....purposeful interactions.

I am also starting to learn that looking backwards with any sort of accuracy is next to impossible now. Our vantage points have changed soo much.

Dang this is painful...but it is real. One of my goals is to keep it real into the future.

God be with us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3752 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 12:24 AM, April 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have never believed in soulmates or the fairy tale.

Today! Staring at my 6 year anniversary? I think soulmates are MADE, not found. My husband is more my soulmate today than ever before. It is hard for many to let go that fantasy. But I personally don't believe such a thing exists.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6491 | Registered: Jan 2011
RidingHealingRd
♀ Member
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 1:23 AM, April 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This may interest you:

http://www.soulmateoracle.com/article/about-soulmates.html

Much like what Rebreather said: Soulmates are made.

You don't just meet a "soulmate" and live happily ever after, like the myth that we all would prefer to believe says. Instead, I have observed that real world soulmates become that by growing together in certain ways and working through challenges successfully


ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 3.5 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.


Posts: 2109 | Registered: Nov 2011
GraceisGood
♀ Member
Member # 17686
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, April 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

working through challenges successfully

Going to hell and back TOGETHER is one building that soul mate connection IMO.

The baring of each others whole being, the shadow as well as the light and coming to accept ALL of each other is another.

There is not one road, but many, and the more you travel down together the deeper the connection IMO.

Grace


We have a tendency to think the love offered us is a reflection of our worth and value.But in actuality,it's a reflection of the person that is giving it.We love out of who WE are-not because of who the receiver is.At least in terms of real love.TSMF

Posts: 3438 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: how far the east is from the west
Almost12Years
♀ Member
Member # 34861
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, April 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Like so many others, I too saw my fWH as my prince charming and was completely blindsided when he confessed his A - I never in a million years thought he'd do something like that. I recently read a book that talks about this very subject, it's called "Goodbye Prince Charming : The Journey Back from Disenchantment: Creating the marriage you've always wanted from the ashes of storybook romance" You can find it on Amazon here:

http://www.amazon.com/Goodbye-Prince-Charming-Disenchantment-Storybook/dp/0891097465/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1366384269&sr=8-1&keywords=goodbye+prince+charming

I encourage you to give it a shot - it really helped to see how many unrealistic expectations I was putting on my fWH. HTH!


Me - BW (38). Him - FWS (35)
College sweethearts
M - 13 years; together 16
DD (9) and DS (7)
Blindsided by confession on 2/17/12
6+ mo. EA/2x PA

Putting the pieces back together, day by day. Hardest thing I've ever done.


Posts: 224 | Registered: Feb 2012
27yearsnowlost
♀ Member
Member # 38787
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, April 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I alway thought that my WH was my soul mate, but now....I don't know???


Bw (me) 47
WH (him) 59
D day 3/7/2013
Married 26 together 28
2 adult sons 25 and 22

Posts: 167 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: nj
RockyMtn
♀ Member
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 4:27 PM, April 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am quickly learning that marriage success comes from intentionality....purposeful interactions.

I think soulmates are MADE, not found.

Both of these ^^

I think being a soulmate or "love of my life" is a choice on both partner's part. We either act like a soulmate or we don't. In acting like a soulmate/love of our spouse's life - that's where actually feeling those things come from.

Every time I read that someone was pregnant during the affair, I want to lash out at the WS. That does feel like a whole 'nother level of "robbing." Pregnancy was such a romantic/bonding time for me. I am really sorry.


Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 667 | Registered: Oct 2012
Topic Posts: 12

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