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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Struggling today - 22 months out
foundoutlater
♂ Member
Member # 32900
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, April 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kind of a ramble and just need to get it off my chest. Iím struggling a bit today and the anniversary of the day we started dating has brought it to the surface. I hope someone here can relate.

In all the 25+ years we have been together I do not remember having had mixed emotions on the anniversary of our wedding or the anniversary of the day we started dating. Twenty years ago, we had been married for a couple years and I found out she cheated while we were dating. She had cheated right up to a couple weeks before our wedding. OM was a ďfriendĒ of mine and a groomsman in our wedding. I donít remember a lot about our relationship or much else that year I found out. I was functioning in a severe depression and feeling very trapped by our circumstances. I donít remember having any mixed emotions about our anniversary but I know it was there. We worked on reconciliation and unbeknown to me she started cheating again with the same OM the week we started MC. I remember the following Valentineís Day. Looking back at that she was only half in our M. That ended over fifteen years ago but I found out 22 months ago.

I woke up at 3AM this morning after a dream. In the dream I was arguing with my W. She was arguing that Aís happen, that is just the way it is. The dreamy stars aligned and it was meant to be bullshit. Fate. IRL she has said the first part about Aís happen, but not the dreamy fate bullshit. It took an hour to let go of the anger and get back to sleep. An hour late for work and here I am. Think I am ďsickĒ and will be leaving early.

I want to just get over it and move forward. I want to look at her, think of our past memories and not have the doubt about what was really going on in her head back then. I donít want to wonder if I am her H because she was too afraid to lose a good thing. I was perfect ďon paperĒ so Iíve been told. I want to look at our past and only see that relationship I wanted. I know no relationship is perfect. I know every couple goes through communication issues and many have that erode into respect issues. Iíd like to put the A in the same camp and see it as one of the relationship struggles we weathered.

OK so Iíve been having some trouble with that lately. Letting go of wanting the past to be something it was not. That is only part of it though. Actually knowing what the past was is just as troublesome for me. Iíve spent a lot of energy these last 22 months trying to understand and put it all into some sort of perspective and for stretches of time trying to come to grips that I may not ever comprehend it all. Learning to live with the fact no one ever really knows has been a bitch. In this respect I am a late bloomer.

Iíve been contemplating the ďhere and nowĒ philosophy. Living in the moment. I just feel like I am chasing my tail. I think the first time I found out I worked hard to do that and it did not turn out well. R is completely different this time, but still I think this has a lot to do with why I am having trouble moving forward and living in the present. Anyone have any suggestions?


Your beliefs donít make you a better person, your behavior does.

Posts: 1129 | Registered: Jul 2011
redrock
♀ Member
Member # 21538
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, April 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is difficult to look back at events and memories and know that you were being authentic and your spouse was not. to always wonder what was real or what was performance.

It is difficult to accept not only that the A occured, but that you were in error in thinking you **knew** your spouse.

She was arguing that Aís happen, that is just the way it is. The dreamy stars aligned and it was meant to be bullshit

This may be a major factor in why you may have some difficulty in **getting over** it.

A's are made of choices, not happenstance. She made decisions to break boundaries and move the A forward. Many times.

A's are not some romantic adventure that crop up in ones life like buttercups. They are the height of self indulgent delusion and entitlement. They are built..... a text, email, call, get together at a time. And she participated in every ugly inch of it.

If it was so damn special why didn't she risk anything for it? Why not tell the truth and bring all those glittery stars out into public and share all that special magic with the world? Probably because she liked the cake eating. She got both worlds and that worked for her.

My H and I didn't go to MC until we were in R for a couple of years. It is exhausting to R with someone who was waiting for me to heal on my own, so that we could move forward with him doing as little as humanly possible.

Staying in the relationship isn't R. I had to learn that the hard way. You can not R alone- no matter how hard you try.

You can not change what is not acknowledged. It was such a relief to stop feeling like I was the problem because I couldn't skip right on into the future because he KNEW what he did wrong and that it would never happen again- and that **should be** enough for someone who loved him.

IMO, you are trying to live in the moment because your partner is happy to rugsweep and if you concentrate on today hard enough the years of lying and 2 incidents of infidelity will fade into the past as fast as your can bury it by **living in the moment**.

But like any good horror pic the past will always loom and dig itself out.. again and again... until you deal with it.

I suggest a strong MC. That was what helped us. Having a third party guide us and hold us accountable INVALUABLE. Worth every penny and ours was not cheap.

Hang in there.

[This message edited by redrock at 7:52 PM, April 18th (Thursday)]


I don't respect anyone that can't spell a word more than one way:)

Posts: 3156 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Michigan
foundoutlater
♂ Member
Member # 32900
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, April 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Redrock. Yesterday I was in such a funk. I left work and went for a drive, went home early and had a good time with the kids. I need to spend more time on me.

A's are made of choices, not happenstance. She made decisions to break boundaries and move the A forward. Many times.

She fully accepts that now. She never made it out as if it were fate or something. It was in a dream I had where she was arguing otherwise. Early on she had a hard time owning how really messed up she was and did minimize it. We have a good MC who is really helping us with the relationship and R. We both have used IC and have stopped. I think both of us had about as much as we could deal with our own issues in IC and needed some time for it to absorb.

Iím pretty lucky in that my W is remorseful and seems to understand what I am dealing with. She would be happy to rugsweep if we could be happy and healthy with it. Hell that would be easy. She knows that wonít work and she is committed to working through it. She is starting to see where it damaged not only me and the M but her as well.
IMO, you are trying to live in the moment because your partner is happy to rugsweep and if you concentrate on today hard enough the years of lying and 2 incidents of infidelity will fade into the past as fast as your can bury it by **living in the moment**.
This does not feel like it fits but it did help me. Like I said above we both needed a break from working on ourselves. I think I am needing us to get back to work. I need more to be able to be a healthy person in the M with my W.


Your beliefs donít make you a better person, your behavior does.

Posts: 1129 | Registered: Jul 2011
Topic Posts: 3

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