Married 10 yrs
Together 11 1/2 years
I've loved him forever
4 beautiful children ages 4-12 (one not bio his) but his through love
I understand about the kids, I think all of us parents do.
Is it possible your husband has never fully came out of the fog? I only mention this because some of your post indicated to me that he never fully gave up his love affair with the A. I know my wife was slow to come out of the fog...what a horrible time period that was.
If he is truly out of the fog, and all of the fantasy that was tied deeply to it, I fear he is going down a dark path...as I suspect he is "curious" about sex with multiple partners...I say this because I thought you mentioned he initiated a conversation about people in OPEN marriages and how he thought that could work.
This is really something for each of you to decide. It sounds as if an open marriage is NOT an option for you...but continues to be one for your husband.
Sharing your children is going to be a concern. I believe financially you will do fine and he will initially struggle....and maybe that is what he needs to get him out of the fantasy world he has developed in his mind (provided he is still lost in the fog).
I hate this for you...learning to R is tough enough if BOTH spouses are committed to learning.
Is WH in IC? Still going to MC?
Back to sharing children...I dispise the fact that my children were a topic of conversation between my wife and the OM....that he even knows what they look like. I would really be uncomfortable with another man being any sort of fatherly influence on my girls....and my wife does not like the idea of another woman having any motherly influence on them.
If your husband is going down the suspected dark path...he could be getting into some pretty unsavory social circles.
As far as being selfish to stay so you dont have to share your children.....we are examples for our children. This fact alone is a huge driver for me. I really want to push myself to display to my girls what my parents failed to display to me. That is a real, caring relationship between husband and wife, mom and dad...pimples and all. I want to show them that two imperfect people can work through serious issues and find their way to the other side together.
To do this I must grow and change. My wife must grow and change. We must both get back up as we fall down. My wife is committed to this too. Dang it is tough!
I mentally put my girls in my place 30 years from now. I pray they are never where we are at...but if they find themselves there I want them to have more tools to work on their marriage then I had starting to do the work I am doing. I have struggled to really understand what it means to be in a fully committed caring mature relationship...as has my wife....due to coming from divorced parents that really tried very little to work things out. The only hope I have to make that happen, to teach and mold my girls into mature caring people, is to press forward and keep trying.
Do you think your husband is interested in being a Dad still? In my case my Dad simply disappeared after their divorce. To this day he said it was to protect us kids....but I think there was considerable selfishness on his behalf. He, too, had sexual desires outside of marriage......sucks.
I hope this is making sense. I am sorry you are going through this. I have boldly offered advice I seldom would offer...and I dont know all of the intricate details that make a big difference in your situation. I felt moved to try...maybe because your husband is displaying some of the same tendancies as my Dad.
God bless us all.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 10:32 PM, April 18th (Thursday)]
I'm afraid I will lose the love of my life because I can't live up to these.
I know he loves me but I don't want him having regrets our starting if he's not happy. I want to be sometimes everything. And while going to want a divorced mom of 4 children
Have you told him you can not do what he wants? What was his reaction?
Just so you know,FM,you *are* more than enough.
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
Your WH's refusal to give up the fulfillment of his sexual fantasies is selfish and wrong. He has prior commitments, you and your family. It stops there. I hope someday soon he realizes that he's already committed, it's too late to go back, and he has to live up to that committment. It's amazing that someone would give up a fulfilling M and family life for a few cheap thrills.
Why is his fantasy life more important than his family life? More important than reality? That should be explored in IC and MC. Sexual bents/perversions/desires that fall outside the norm can be an indicator of CSA, especially when the person is obsessed or willing to take risks to fulfill it.
We are in R.
We are restarting therapy this week...maybe that will help. I don't want him renting me ten years from now either. it's all so confusing
You would be walking away from a man who is unsatisfied with his present. This is a man who can not appreciate the moment because he thinks there is something bigger and better in the future (his fantasies).
Unless he can change this mindset, he will never be happy with you or your family.
You are trying to make this about your perceived shortcoming, but it's not. It's about a WH who can never be satisfied with what he has. You are fighting a losing battle.
Do you really want a man who would throw away everything, (his wife, his children, his reputation, his integrity) for raunchier sex? Seriously, that is not an equal partnership/marriage. That is you being used like an appliance.
If this is the mental state he is in, I do not think you will have to worry about sharing the children. He will not make time to be with them. Make it easy on him to skip taking them.
Maybe he really is better matched with, well, a paid sexual partner who can live out his fantasies at an hourly rate (note: I am not trying to be funny here, but if they are that out-in-left-field, then maybe he has WAY more issues than you deserve to stick around for). Also, keep in mind the children, they may be affected by this, especially if it continues on and on for years and years. Looks like there's some soul-searching to be had. Best of luck to you.
Rejection is a big part of this for BS's...self esteem reaches all time lows. I have experienced this. But now I have rebounded and feel more confident then I have in years. I am attacking new duties and eagerl attacking problems at work with no trepidation. Women appear to be visiting more often and visits last longer. At times it is actually fun!
Take a moment and look how far you have come...look at your comitment to your M and your family. Even under this tremendous strain you have not buckled. Our WS buckled under considerable less strain. I am not saying one is better then the other...just that you need to recognize how strong you actually are. I am convinced this strength shines through us and others pick up on it. It is nice when our WS's recognize and appreciate this strength as well. It is also good for us to see the effort and commitment our WS's are putting forth.
You have more value and strength then you realize right now. You will realize this soon and light will shine on and through you.
Hang in there. Take care of yourself.
God be with us all.
Has he talked about any of this with an IC?