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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Now What?
betraydtwice
Member
Member # 38921
Default  Posted: 5:15 AM, April 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok so he told me a lot last night. Told me he asked her to runaway with him and she said yes..But they changed their minds.

So who said I needed to know this?? I can't get it out of my head..

So tired...want to sleep, but there is no sleep here..

He tells me I'm the reason he didn't go through with it. Goody for me. Aren't I so lucky...

Never thought it was that bad, what an idiot I am. Blindingly trusting. fool fool fool

Please love me again he say's...HOW?? Y????

What now?? What do I do with this information now? Go over it again and again and again. Everytime taking a little more of me

Help!!!!!!


Posts: 148 | Registered: Apr 2013
Diva0702
♀ Member
Member # 32309
Default  Posted: 5:30 AM, April 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry you are here and in such awful agony, but there are many who have walked in your shoes here, with love, support and tenderness to offer you and to guide you through the worlds most terrible roller coaster ride.

Fresh and gaping wounds to the heart render us incapable of making rational decisions at the time of discovery, so please be gentle with yourself at this time, and although sleep is difficult, resting the body is vital.

If you are unable to eat right now, just take in plenty of fluid. Your body is in shock.

Your feelings are perfectly valid, and you are far from a fool sweet. You are not in ANY WAY responsible for your WS behaviour.

As hard as it feels at the moment, try to give yourself a little distance, as though you were looking at things from the window of a cafe. My Mummy was a wise and remarkable woman, who always told me, 'If you don't know what to do right now, don't do anything until you do'.

Your psychological and physiological state are both on hyper alert, and this is VERY intense.

If it is possible to talk with a close friend, or go for a walk, then this might offer some immediate relief until you feel able to at least sit for a moment.

If you have questions then right them down and either ask your partner outright or give him the list with the opportunity to choose two or three to answer to begin with.

My heart is filled with sympathy for your obvious pain and anguish, and my thoughts are with you.


Me: BW 53
Him: FWH 47
4 wonderful grown children
2 beautiful grandchildren
Married 20 years
Together 23 years
Dday March 10 2010. 4 yr A.
Me: RGN(ret), N.Dip.,BA(Psych),MA (Psych),BA Music.
OW: 55 year old taxi driver

Posts: 333 | Registered: May 2011 | From: UK
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, April 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's pretty brutal, isn't it, when you start to see the depth of their deception, not only to you, which is the major part, but to themselves, when they are in the land of unicorn farts and skittle-rainbows? Sounds kinda like a child deciding to run away to get rid out being grounded, and then realizing that means leaving all of the teddy bears behind. It's a sad, sad commentary on their minds and non-powers of reasoning.

Remember, this f'd-up thinking has nothing to do with you. It's what his warped mind came up with, to continue the lurve "contact high." Just like he was smoking a joint, then started to come down, and needed another one to be OK again.

Space. Detatchment. Being kind to youself and not being pressured to make any decisions right now. That's where you need to try to get your mind. Watch his actions. What he says is in no way as important as the actions that he shows you now and in the future. I'm glad that you're talking but is he getting you a timeline so you can go thru it in your own time? That might be helpful to you. (((hugs)))


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4586 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
sudra
♀ Member
Member # 30143
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, April 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear you. My husband was engaged to his OW.

But honestly, IF he is remorseful and willing to do the work, you WILL get better, little bits at a time. It won't always be so bad. I don't know where you are as far as R, but know these two things: 1) If he does the work it will get better. 2) Nothing says you have to stay if you can't live with what he's done. Okay, three things: You don't have to decide #2 right now.

We were all trusting - it's what spouses do. It's not you fault he didn't honor you and his committment.


Me (BW) (54), Him(SAWH) (57)
Married 21 years, 1 son (19), 1 stepdaughter (27)
DDay #1 January 2004
DDay #2 7-27-2010 7 month EA/PA (became "engaged" to OW before he told me he wanted a divorce)
Working on R

Posts: 1429 | Registered: Nov 2010
betraydtwice
Member
Member # 38921
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, April 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you both so much..God Bless you both. It feels good to know people that care AND UNDERSTAND.

Ya he's trying pretty hard, and I know he wishes it had never happened...but it did


Posts: 148 | Registered: Apr 2013
betraydtwice
Member
Member # 38921
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, April 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I meant ALL of you. Your right I am in shock. It knocked me on my A**.

Good analogy Skan about the joint...it makes sense to me..


Posts: 148 | Registered: Apr 2013
Phoenix1
♀ Member
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, April 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't beat yourself up betraydtwice. When I found out about the first A, I too kept telling myself I was a trusting fool. But ya know what? Spouses are SUPPOSED to be able to trust each other, so my trust wasn't a foolish act on my part at all. I may have missed some of the signs, or at least came up with my own excuses to sidestep them because I trusted him, but my eyes did finally open. Painful, absolutely! But I know I did nothing wrong, and my conscience is at peace with that. He is the one with no conscience. Trust your gut, take time to think about what you are or are not willing to accept in your M, and let his actions speak volumes (talk is very cheap). You will find a lot of great advice here by those that have survived what we are going through. Hang in there...


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 22,17 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 976 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
Topic Posts: 7

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