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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Coming up on the start of it
thecaves
♂ Member
Member # 38062
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, April 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The time is approaching of when the A started. I've provided a somewhat decent timeline so we both know this day is coming soon.

How did you and your BS get through that time? Any suggestions?


Me: WH
Her: BW
Kids: Yes
Married: 20+
D-Day: 12/2012

What defines us is how well we rise after falling.


Posts: 173 | Registered: Jan 2013
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, April 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First of all, gigantic kudos for recognizing the significance of this timeframe.

In all likelihood, her emotions are about to take over. The mind movies get especially intense here, and we start to question R, question ourselves, question the WS as if it is all actually happening again.

I suggest being a rock of consistency for her. When she breaks down, hold her. When she gets angry and you start to feel defensive, remember that she's triggering and needs your compassion and reassurance.

If she's asked for them, romantic gestures would be good here too. There's a chance she'll lob them back, but it is a great idea to try and coat over her mind movies with things you can do for her to show her that she's the one you want to be with. Get flowers. Leave love notes.

One of the most humiliating things about being a BS is that we accepted that our relationship had changed - matured if you will, while the WS thought they needed something different and new. Treating her as if you were courting her might make her feel that tingle that she was kept so very far on the outside of this time last year.

Wrapping back around - being a rock for her is the most important thing. Tell her every day that you're not going anywhere. Ask her what she needs, and see past her anger and her pain as the demons pick at her from the inside.

Honestly, the fact that you're aware of this and asking us for help is very encouraging. You can do this!

[This message edited by Jrazz at 12:46 PM, April 19th (Friday)]


Cherish those who seek the truth but beware of those who find it. - François-Marie Arouet

Posts: 17758 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
thecaves
♂ Member
Member # 38062
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, April 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One of the most humiliating things about being a BS is that we accepted that our relationship had changed - matured if you will, while the WS thought they needed something different and new.

This resonates with me. I think we both felt our relationship had matured but in retrospect it actually may have become stagnant. Instead of giving to my relationship and to my BW in an effort to rekindle the fire so to speak, I sought attention elsewhere and took it. We both see how important doing things everyday to keep M from becoming monotone is.

I fully anticipate that these coming months will be an extra struggle for her. I know I'm strong and can handle it. I just hope I'm doing it right.


Me: WH
Her: BW
Kids: Yes
Married: 20+
D-Day: 12/2012

What defines us is how well we rise after falling.


Posts: 173 | Registered: Jan 2013
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 6:10 PM, April 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds like you're on the right path, but I just wanted to caution that the "rekindle the fire" line of thinking is dangerously close to "I love you but I'm not in love with you."

It's never going to be like it was in the beginning, and that's not supposed to be a bad thing. Instead of the excitement of the unknown, there is the comfort of trust and stability. While that may sound stagnant to someone who needs their thrill fix, it's the recipe for being loved and taken care of for the rest of your life.

That doesn't mean things can't be exciting and fun. Going out and doing new things together is a great way to pump some energy into your relationship.

Just please don't go in with the expectation that this is ever going to feel like new. It is supposed to feel like love, and respect, and fun when both parties remember what it's like to enjoy each other's company. Unfortunately, after this kind of betrayal it's really really hard for the BS to "enjoy" anything for a long time.

So don't worry about fires or kindling or anything. Focus on healing, and happiness where it can be found. With love and trust it's easier to find than you'd think.


Cherish those who seek the truth but beware of those who find it. - François-Marie Arouet

Posts: 17758 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Topic Posts: 4

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