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User Topic: Water under the bridge...
She-Ra
♀ Member
Member # 36033
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, April 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I finally had the courage to bring up my As last night. They are terrorizing my mind and still having troubles with the reality of it all. I really did do all those things and with such evil towards our marriage.

I don't bring it up ever because he doesn't like talking about it and we mainly kept it for discussion in MC. I feel like keeping it trapped in my mind like this is putting up a wall. Is that wrong to think that? So last night I decided to tell my BH that it really bothers me every day that I cheated and how thankful I am that he choose to stay with me and even go ahead with our family plans.

I asked him if he thinks about it. He said no, it's water under the bridge as far as he is concerned.

It seems like I'm the one who needs to get over it. I know I won't and likely will consider my tortured mind as part of my punishment and consequence for my bad choices. I wonder how many BSs are like mine where they can be so strong. I've seen my BH change since dday. He has become more loving, family oriented (likely due to my pregnancy) but he is also doing more hobbies for himself that are healthy and makes him happy. I admire him and know that I can spend the rest of my life trying to be the best wife and mother to his kids that I can.

I'm glad my As don't saturate his mind like me. Like our MC said, it seems to be me that will struggle the most to recover than him. I'm the one who dropped my integrity, loyalty, marriage vows and self respect with no regard, not him. I'm owning the shit I handed to myself.


WW/BW 33 BH/WH 34
1 year old beautiful daughter

Posts: 859 | Registered: Jul 2012
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, April 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS's just like WS's may share some commonalities in how things are handled but each individual is still unique.

He has become more loving, family oriented (likely due to my pregnancy) but he is also doing more hobbies for himself that are healthy and makes him happy.
Being able to focus on things that make you "happy" or keep you occupied defnitely helps after Dday. I am glad your BH is handling things well. If he doesn't want to talk about the A's with you then I hope he has an outlet for them other than MC if he does feel the need to talk. Maybe the MC is enough for him. Like I said everyone is different. Has he hit the anger stage? If he has great coping mechanisms already in place then he may be fine but don't assume he will always be this way. If he is doing his own thing, healing, and dealing with what happenend while you work on you then great and I wish you both the best.


I'm glad my As don't saturate his mind like me. Like our MC said, it seems to be me that will struggle the most to recover than him.
You know your situation. This may not always be the case. If he is dealing okay then great but if he needs you at some point in the future then just be there for him.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1912 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
She-Ra
♀ Member
Member # 36033
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, April 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the reply 7years..

If he doesn't want to talk about the A's with you then I hope he has an outlet for them other than MC if he does feel the need to talk.

He doesn't have any outlet outside of MC and we haven't gone for about a month and a half. He never breathed a word of my As to any family or friend. He didn't want anyone to tell him to leave me or judge him for staying PLUS also what he said.. he didn't want any of his buddies to encourage an RA.

Has he hit the anger stage?
He hit a stage about 2-3 weeks after d-day where he wanted to RA and he was angry at me. It only lasted for about 2 weeks tops. He cooled down and decided that he loved me too much to RA and knew that it wouldn't help our marriage. He said that another affair would really wreck it.

If he has great coping mechanisms already in place then he may be fine but don't assume he will always be this way

I think his coping mechanism are ok.. They are or were better than mine. He seems content and happy right now. I don't assume he will always be that way. I have a fear that he might decide that it does bother him and lash out in other ways. So far... we have been able to work through it all.

I think what made it easier for him to carry on was that he made it extremely clear that if I had one more A of any kind, he would leave me in a hurry no matter what. No questions asked. Automatic dealbreaker, get out.

Anyways.. I don't worry about those what-ifs because it will never happen again. He put the responsiblity on me to work on myself and he didn't shoulder the A problems himself. He did accept blame for preA marital issues but that's it. He is holding up his end of the bargain and it's going well. I just can't help but wonder why he made it so simple like his water under the bridge comment. It was a relief to hear but I know that doesn't mean I get let off the hook, it just means he is giving me a second chance.


WW/BW 33 BH/WH 34
1 year old beautiful daughter

Posts: 859 | Registered: Jul 2012
Teach8
♀ Member
Member # 36521
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, April 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey. I just wanted you to know that as a BS, I would love for my ws to talk to me about his A. He will always talk if I bring it up...but he never does. I long to hear the words...I can't believe I was so foolish as to risk our marriage...to come out of nowhere...not because we were already talking. Maybe it is a difference in gender though??? Maybe as a woman I need to talk more...maybe your ws just doesn't need to talk as much as me? But of course, that doesn't really help you though. I wish I had advice...but I wanted you to know that your remorse is appreciated. I'm sure your ws appreciates it as well. It sounds like he has forgiven you and you just need to forgive yourself. I know that is easier said than done. (((Messedupchick)))


Me: BW. Him: WH. Dday: 4/26/12. TT until 8/15/12 LTA 7 years. Trying to R

Posts: 509 | Registered: Aug 2012
She-Ra
♀ Member
Member # 36033
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, April 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Teach,

Hey. I just wanted you to know that as a BS, I would love for my ws to talk to me about his A. He will always talk if I bring it up...but he never does. I long to hear the words...I can't believe I was so foolish as to risk our marriage...to come out of nowhere...not because we were already talking.

Well it's not easy.. if you notice my first sentence was "I finally had the courage". Even if my BH wanted to discuss it, I would probably still have issues without my tongue getting tied. But I must say, there is no reason he can't say small things that you would like to hear from him.

Maybe it is a difference in gender though??? Maybe as a woman I need to talk more...maybe your ws just doesn't need to talk as much as me?

It might have more to do with communication styles.. Not necessarily male vs female. I see some BHs with better communication and more in touch with their feelings than their WW are.

Lets say my BH was the WH instead. He would probably act the same way he is now as being able to get past it faster than I can. My BH had made it clear that he doesn't need to pour his feelings out about it all and it would help him more by me leaving him alone about it. My answer to that was.. Sometimes we just need to discuss topics around it openly together on our own time, not just when we have a MC session. He agreed to that as we should be able to talk properly without paying $140 an hour. I guess last night, that time came and I just had to let it out that I was having a hard time with my feelings of betraying our marriage. We didn't quite finish any discussion though.. I felt kinda stuck at the water under the bridge comment.

But of course, that doesn't really help you though. I wish I had advice...but I wanted you to know that your remorse is appreciated. I'm sure your bs appreciates it as well. It sounds like he has forgiven you and you just need to forgive yourself. I know that is easier said than done. (((Messedupchick)))

thanks.. hugs to you too! ((Teach))

I didn't really think I presented a topic that is easy to give advice for. He has told me that he forgave me.. I thought I had forgiven myself too. Clearly, I'm waffling and you're right.. Easier said than done! Maybe I tried to rush on forgiving myself and I wasn't ready. I have an easier time forgiving the 1st A but I think I'm stuck on forgiving the serial cheating aspect and choosing to sign up to AM. That alone is where more internal work on my part is needed.


WW/BW 33 BH/WH 34
1 year old beautiful daughter

Posts: 859 | Registered: Jul 2012
Trying33
♀ Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 5:40 AM, April 20th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your "water under the bridge" comment is similar to my H's "lets draw a line under this and move on".

I have said in previous posts that I wish he'd shout at me and call me names, be angry but I understand that's not his nature and he handles things differently.

After reading this thread, i'm starting to think maybe he is doing his best to move on and it's me that's having the hard time. I can't forgive myself for "breaking this marriage". It's a phrase that goes round and round in my head.

My H has made it clear that he doesn't want to talk about it. He's lately been making sarcastic comments masked in humour. I sometimes wonder if they're invitations to open up discussion? He quickly changes the subject and almost retracts. I imagine, he doesn't feel safe enough yet to talk about it. I am prepared to wait for him. I genuinely believe if we don't talk about it it will fester forever.

In the meantime, I'm working on myself and our relationship. Feelings of closeness are intermittent. He seems to be trying too.

His mother had a PA about 15 years ago (before I was married to him). I've heard stories about this but it's all been hushed away. My H doesn't like talking about it and I've never learned of the details as such. She was caught and from what I can tell it was rugswept and everyone went back to playing happy families. It was ignored and everyone just acts like it never happened. This is his frame of reference.

Messedupchick;
At least you've managed to arrive at some point of emotional closeness to your H. That's a great thing as it shows there's been a shift.


Posts: 362 | Registered: Mar 2013
Theradin
♂ Member
Member # 38518
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, April 20th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS here.

I guess, having been there myself, I'd be VERY suspicious of a BS who simply shrugs and says, "meh.. it's just water under the bridge"..

The times where I've seen such behavior from a BS is usually when they have emotionally detached from the WS, or they have bottled up and compartmentalized all the pain and trauma. Because after all, if he did truly give you his heart, loved you, cherished you, felt he trusted you, then it would be devastating to any 'normal' human being to be so utterly violated by an A.

The fact that he seems to be taking it so easily would be very suspicious to me. I would wonder if he is reconnecting to someone else (RA) for his emotional needs, or has just plain shut you out of his heart (complete emotional detachment), which can also be indicative of that type of strange 'cool' about something so painful.

Definitely worth exploring with him in MC (and him in IC, if he is willing). A good counselor will be able to see right through it, if it is in fact a 'fake calm'.


ME: 33 BH
HER: 32 WW
Married: 8 years
Children: Yes
DDay #1: 02/22/2006 (ONS)
DDay #2: 09/23/2012 (EA/PA)
DDay #3: 12/07/2012 (EA/PA)
DDay #4: 01/03/2013 (EA/PA)
DDay #5: 01/24/2013 (EA/PA)
TT until 04/07/2013
100% NC: 04/18/2013

Posts: 190 | Registered: Feb 2013
Trying33
♀ Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, April 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

or they have bottled up and compartmentalized all the pain and trauma

I think this is most likely for my H at least and most probably messedups too.


Posts: 362 | Registered: Mar 2013
She-Ra
♀ Member
Member # 36033
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, April 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi trying:

thanks for the your reply.. sounds like our BHs are in a similar wave length for sure..

I have said in previous posts that I wish he'd shout at me and call me names, be angry but I understand that's not his nature and he handles things differently

You should never wish for that as verbal abuse wouldn't help the situation either way. The closest mine came to a name, was "you acted like a whore and degraded yourself". On D-day, he was really hung up on how I disrespected my own self by messing around with strangers and how disappointed he was. He wanted to take a high road and said there is no punishment that he could give me that would be worse than the one I would give to myself. How true is that???!!!

My H has made it clear that he doesn't want to talk about it. He's lately been making sarcastic comments masked in humour. I sometimes wonder if they're invitations to open up discussion? He quickly changes the subject and almost retracts.

If he makes those sarcastic comments, make it an invitation to talk about it. Most of the time, I've been pretty good at taking those trigger moments to apologize and address what is bothering him. Sometimes I have just felt annoyed because if he doesn't want to talk about it, then why make sarcastic passive aggressive comments?

Anyways, from the rest of your post it does sound like you two will be just fine as you are both committed to R.

Hi theradin:

not sure if you're still around this side of the forum but thought I would reply..

I guess, having been there myself, I'd be VERY suspicious of a BS who simply shrugs and says, "meh.. it's just water under the bridge"..

I can see where you are coming from.. But there is just nothing for me to be suspicious about. He doesn't say it like "Meh whatever". I think he's more like we have talked enough about it, gone to MC, worked hard at connecting.. all the while knowing that he was never going to leave me and wanted to stay married.

The times where I've seen such behavior from a BS is usually when they have emotionally detached from the WS, or they have bottled up and compartmentalized all the pain and trauma.

He definitely compartmentalized but didn't detach. I can say that he compartmentalized because if I was to re-open the wound by another d-day or TT, he would become an angry bear and would lash out from the pain of the original d-day. Since, we had the 1 d-day and done, I would think he has been able to feel more secure in me and himself again. My BH is what I would call a Man's man. He's tall, attractive, athletic, tough as nails, good self-esteem and while my As dented his ego a little, it didn't make him shut down or anything.

A good counselor will be able to see right through it, if it is in fact a 'fake calm'

The MC did not see his demeanor as a 'fake calm'. She was very impressed with him. He owned up to his end of the preA issues and wanted to fix our marriage. Her comment after working with us that it seems I would take longer to heal judging as I was the one who gave up my honesty and integrity, not him. He was hurt but he seemed to pick up the pieces easily.


WW/BW 33 BH/WH 34
1 year old beautiful daughter

Posts: 859 | Registered: Jul 2012
Topic Posts: 9

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