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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Maybe I am strange...
Iamhappytoday
♀ Member
Member # 39051
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, April 20th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But after 9 months of knowing in my gut that things weren't adding up, him not seeming remotely like the WS's in R I read about on here, I finally found their secret IM's and learned I was being lied to more than I could have ever believed for the last 9 months. I thought maybe they still talked, but they have had a scorching PA and full-blown relationship with drop phones, secret online accounts, and liaisons all over their work and other places this whole time.
The first couple days I was so shocked and bent on getting details, and he gave quite a few. That need has lessened now. Nine months of trying to catch things, (which ultimately paid off), and I know enough to know eff this. Who is this fucking guy?
Marital asset division underway and I have proposed mediation, so am relaxing until the appointment.

My point is that after so many months of turmoil and finally getting to the truth, once I reached a point of knowing I had enough of needing to know more, I just feel calm and ready to be done with this phase. I cringe when he wants a hug when dropping off the kids because he is not my friend. Two weeks ago we were supposedly working on our marriage, and every moment my back was turned he was calling and writing her.
I'm done with that. I'll be cordial, but don't hug me and act like buddies. Ugh. Pissed away 9 years of marriage for 22 year old with 2 kids by 2 men (wouldn't judge except now my STBXH is now her man), and our kids are just 2.
What a tool. Both of them.
I had to rant.


BW 39
WH 34
2DD's 15 months at start
Together 10 years, M 9
OW 22 CW, 2kids by 2 men & youngest less than 1 when affair started.
Dday 1 8/16/12 "just texting"
TT, gaslighting, denial; was always PA; he left me for her.

Posts: 123 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Free!!!
FaithFool
♀ Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, April 20th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What a tool.

Yes.

Good for you for moving on. You can do this. We have your back.

Big hugs. It's a process. You'll get there.


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
Celebrating 60 years on Earth

Posts: 16607 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
CharlieFoxtrot
♀ Member
Member # 38010
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, April 20th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think its strange. I had a calming peace and an uncanny presence of mind once I knew enough to *know* the R was a complete sham.

And while I am and will continue to be cordial for the sake of my children, we are not friends. If he touched me, I would throw up.


Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.

Posts: 505 | Registered: Jan 2013
dmari
♀ Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, April 20th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Awesome!! You are taking care of you!! Fuck him. His head is too far up his ass. I hate the hugging and friends thing?!?! It's too alleviate their guilt and reassure themselves that what they have done is ok. Fuck him. Keep making you a priority! You got this girl!


Me (BS): 42 Children: DD 18, DS 15
I FINALLY GOT A COURT DATE: 5/29/14!!

Posts: 1827 | Registered: Oct 2012
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, April 20th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You don't sound strange to me. You sound normal.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8725 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, April 20th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really liked your post, IMHT. I am trying very hard to get to that point.

Sometimes I've been there and think "rack him up!", but then there's a trigger and a step back comes.

I do notice that the few times I've been in the presence of STBXH, I don't have any attraction, and I cling to that during down times. He's really changed and I see it now, but my heart can't seem to stay where my head is.


Ashland 13

The only thing that stays the same, is change. -M. Etheridge


Posts: 1955 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 7:58 PM, April 20th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not strange at all. I think we all know that calm that comes when we're done.

I'm not manic by nature but I sure did feel manic during False R. Twitchy, paranoid, off-kilter. Ignoring my gut did this to me. This shit really is crazy making.

What a tool. Both of them.

Indeed. What a massive, steaming pile of shit he is. And what a coward.


Sending all of the love and strength I can muster to Phoenix1 and her family.
"Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal."

Posts: 4496 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
nutmegkitty
♀ Member
Member # 33882
Default  Posted: 8:49 PM, April 20th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not strange at all.
Level headed and clear thinking, yes. Clearly, you have a pair of bitch boots in the perfect size - now put them on and use them!!


me (BS)
him (NPD Ex)
2 dds
DDay 10/7/11
OW
OC

Divorced 1/17/2013

"Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend, freedom is."


Posts: 2488 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: MA
Iamhappytoday
♀ Member
Member # 39051
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, April 20th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Y'all rawk!

You know, I absolutely wouldn't be in this place except the 9 months of going insane looking for clues relentlessly took such a toll. I KNEW things didn't add up. Not to mention the lack of remorse, but that wasn't the only clue. There were so many little things that had changed that he didn't realize he was doing but I definitely noticed. I think it's funny that he apparently forgot who he married. I'm relentless if I want to know something. I have been accused of being overly sensitive in my younger days, but realized over time that I just assess and read what people are doing and I find that I do it quite well.

My bitch boots are definitely on. When I found that secret account, (and thank heavens those two lowly people sure did love to reminisce), my heart hit the floor. I couldn't believe it, yet it backed up every single day of crying and feeling completely crazy for not trusting him.

Once I had a few days to needle out some serious topics about the affair, (and get LOTS of STD tests, thanks fucker), I don't feel that grief. I'll feel it in the lawyer's office. I'll feel it because I'm broke. I'll feel it when I am alone sometimes, but I will be thankful I am living a genuine life, and not a half-life built on lies.
And now I know, the 180 never worked for me, I just couldn't commit to it. HA! Sure works now! EASILY.
Don't want him back. Not. One. Iota.

And I've never posted before this, but I have looked on here since the day I found out about the texts last August, and if I hadn't, I don't know that I would have found out the truth.

Love and hugs to all of you and I wish you the best.


BW 39
WH 34
2DD's 15 months at start
Together 10 years, M 9
OW 22 CW, 2kids by 2 men & youngest less than 1 when affair started.
Dday 1 8/16/12 "just texting"
TT, gaslighting, denial; was always PA; he left me for her.

Posts: 123 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Free!!!
Iamhappytoday
♀ Member
Member # 39051
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, April 20th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And one more thing!!!!!

Best thing ever! My lawnmower broke and my neighbor was having a party and one of his HOT friends came and fixed it AND cut the yard!
I looked like utter shit (but strong and capable with that weedeater, y'all), and he could have thought I looked rough, too. But I don't care. He was cute and did something sweet and I had some eye candy!

My ego needed that! Especially since I don't want to find those moments in a bar!
We both went about the rest of our day and I'll probably never see him again, and it doesn't even matter. But having a nice moment really DID matter.
YAY ME!!!!!!!

[This message edited by Iamhappytoday at 9:04 PM, April 20th (Saturday)]


BW 39
WH 34
2DD's 15 months at start
Together 10 years, M 9
OW 22 CW, 2kids by 2 men & youngest less than 1 when affair started.
Dday 1 8/16/12 "just texting"
TT, gaslighting, denial; was always PA; he left me for her.

Posts: 123 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Free!!!
permanentpain
♀ Member
Member # 38312
Default  Posted: 9:10 PM, April 20th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yay you!


Me: 32 y/o, student and mom of two of the best kids in the world
Him: 33 y/o scumbag
Divorcing
Feels good to start laughing and feeling better again...

Posts: 270 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Island
Iamhappytoday
♀ Member
Member # 39051
Default  Posted: 9:46 PM, April 20th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After all the COMPLETELY SKEWED bs I read in their hundreds upon hundreds of messages, it was nice to feel kindness!

My STBX even complained that I fed my kids oatmeal (again! The humanity!), and how was the vibrator he bought her holding up as in investment. Wish he had that kind of curiosity about his marriage.

She'll get knocked up as soon as she gets back, mark my words, then he'll have 5 kids to worry about, someone who doesn't know him well learning all his bad habits, and continued insecurity b/c of her ego and their age difference. He's a paycheck to her.

Thank God I am out. Just hope the settlement doesn't bend my brain further (which it will). But so what. I'm relieved to escape at this point. Ugh! Pants on fire! They can be happy forever and I think they deserve each other.

Mental note to ex:
I fed my kids oatmeal for breakfast a lot because they are small and I was tired and you were gone for days at a time fucking your coworker. No one gets STD tests after eating oatmeal. Just sayin'.

[This message edited by Iamhappytoday at 9:47 PM, April 20th (Saturday)]


BW 39
WH 34
2DD's 15 months at start
Together 10 years, M 9
OW 22 CW, 2kids by 2 men & youngest less than 1 when affair started.
Dday 1 8/16/12 "just texting"
TT, gaslighting, denial; was always PA; he left me for her.

Posts: 123 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Free!!!
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 2:18 AM, April 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I thought oatmeal was a healthy breakfast???? Jeez. What a terrible mom you are. You shoulda thrown them an oreo or something, I guess...


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OCyL6pa_L4M


Posts: 7223 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Iamhappytoday
♀ Member
Member # 39051
Default  Posted: 2:29 AM, April 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was doing so good with NC! SO GOOD! Then I ruined it. I sent this email with the full transcript of their messages.

Shit.

shit shit shit

I need an edit button! I was doing so well!!!! So disappointed with myself. Will try better tomorrow.


UPDATE: I removed the letter. At this point have no idea what will come back to haunt me. It has certainly ticked him off, so no telling how cutthroat he'll be with divorce negotiations now. Oh well. We shall see.

[This message edited by Iamhappytoday at 1:17 PM, April 21st (Sunday)]


BW 39
WH 34
2DD's 15 months at start
Together 10 years, M 9
OW 22 CW, 2kids by 2 men & youngest less than 1 when affair started.
Dday 1 8/16/12 "just texting"
TT, gaslighting, denial; was always PA; he left me for her.

Posts: 123 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Free!!!
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 5:53 AM, April 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We all fall off - jump right back on the wagon honey.

There is nothing, absolutely nothing that you can say to him that will make him 'see' what he's doing.

The biggest lies are the ones they tell themselves.

Don't waste any more energy in his direction. Trust me on this. NC is the biggest fuck you of all but the best part of it is it helps you become impervious to their fuckery.

In time what he does/doesn't do will not grind your gears, it will hardly register beyond a chuckle every now and then. Actions that once cut so deep soon become the antics of a sad clown.


Sending all of the love and strength I can muster to Phoenix1 and her family.
"Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal."

Posts: 4496 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
trumanshow
♀ Member
Member # 25624
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, April 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

not strange at all-it really is true that you just know when you are done. When I found the secret phone an icy resolve came over me and I saw the lawyer the same day


Your ex wanting to be friends is like asking a kidnapper to stay in touch when they let you go.

The type of fierce loyalty that I possess made me incapable of comprehending the level of disloyalty that he possessed


Posts: 1656 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Charlotte, NC
Zamas
♀ Member
Member # 38658
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, April 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The type of fierce loyalty that I possess made me incapable of comprehending the level of disloyalty that he possessed

^^^^^^^^ LOVE THIS ^^^^^^

I can't comprehend treating someone I profess to "love" as badly as he treated me. He feels no remorse, he has completely rewritten history to believe that we were done and over in truth before he ever fucked her, when in fact we had a better sex life than ever, going to marriage counseling, communicating better then we had ever before. I don't GET IT. I can't absorb it.

I am, however, DONE. Good riddance to him. I am heartbroken and devastated but filled with resolve. I. Don't. Want. Him. Back. STAY AWAY.

Good for you IAHT. And even if you broke NC, I bet writing that made you feel better. There's always tomorrow to pursue NC. Sometimes you can't help but lash out, even if it comes back to hurt you. Don't beat yourself up too badly.


Me- SAHM 30yo BS
Him- 32yo WS
Three kids, 9, 7, 10mo

Their baby was born in Sept and they are happily househunting. He finally left 4/03.


Posts: 80 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: New Jersey
Iamhappytoday
♀ Member
Member # 39051
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, April 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have read each and every one of your responses, and they are all so true. I knew better than to send it, that there is no reasoning with him or opening his eyes, and that he can be an even bigger jerk after that tirade. But I'm still glad I was assertive and not victimized. Wish me luck that he doesn't take it out on me and the kids. Wishful thinking...


BW 39
WH 34
2DD's 15 months at start
Together 10 years, M 9
OW 22 CW, 2kids by 2 men & youngest less than 1 when affair started.
Dday 1 8/16/12 "just texting"
TT, gaslighting, denial; was always PA; he left me for her.

Posts: 123 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Free!!!
Iamhappytoday
♀ Member
Member # 39051
Default  Posted: 10:46 PM, April 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was sitting here re-reading all of your comments. My husband also did this at a time I thought we were finally making real progress since the kids were a little bigger and more independent, allowing us to regain some momentum again as a couple. He swears the marriage was over for him then.
I feel disappointed about breaking NC primarily because it serves no purpose to communicate. He will not see my point of view of how maintaining the affair killed any efforts that were supposedly being made. Acknowledging he was deceptive and feeling remorse for that doesn't change the fact that he isn't here and has no desire to be. It's the ultimate rejection--even if forgiveness were there, it wouldn't matter.
I am glad to be free of living under all that deception, and I absolutely look forward to what the future brings, but I do really, really grieve sometimes too.
But I'm still better off now, alone with my kids and starting a new life, than I was when I was being lied to.
Thank you all for your words of understanding. I have really taken your messages to heart.


BW 39
WH 34
2DD's 15 months at start
Together 10 years, M 9
OW 22 CW, 2kids by 2 men & youngest less than 1 when affair started.
Dday 1 8/16/12 "just texting"
TT, gaslighting, denial; was always PA; he left me for her.

Posts: 123 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Free!!!
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