Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Hopeful30 (44618)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: WH says he is hurting too
eyesrnowopen
♀ Member
Member # 39055
Question  Posted: 11:21 PM, April 20th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It has been 5 weeks since second DD ( see my story). First DD is a women he is texting. Second DD is a girl half his age that he was infatuated with (his words). Both were women who worked for him and he went out with frequently for work. He also went to conferences out of town with both. There was also a third women he admitted to seeing as ONS. Someone he does not remember her name. BUT he never had a PA. Even the ONS left in throws of passion and they did not have sex. He says he is no longer seeing anyone and has been in IC for 4 weeks. So have I.

I want to talk about the infidelity and he says I am stuck on this and he has said all he has to say. I know everything and how many times am I going to ask the same questions? He says he is hurting and he was unhappy and unable to express his negative feelings in the marriage. He has been in IC and is learning to speak up for himself. He wants us to meet with his therapist and discuss the marriage.

I am also in IC but did agree to meet with his therapist when he was ready to talk. Now I'm not so sure I should. I told him I would meet in couples therapy to talk about the affairs. I told him I take 50% responsibility for the marriage problems but 0% responsibilty for the break up and the affairs. He says he is tired of talking about the As and wants to move on to why they happened. Very sarcastically stated he will relay my terms onto his therapist and see if she agrees.

What am I getting myslef into? Does anyone have any pointers for me on how to keep the focus on the As? what kind of questions should I ask? Jeeze I think I'm being set up to be the bad guy.


This is the work within, having control over the outcome of our lives. Robert Bly refers to this as “Warrior work.” A warrior fights for a cause, something he believes in. As opposed to a soldier who merely fights for control – power or profit.

Posts: 83 | Registered: Apr 2013
rumorhasit
♀ Member
Member # 38943
Default  Posted: 12:23 AM, April 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have no idea how this works, but personally I would want a separate MC from the ICs. At least that is myplan if XWBF ever wants his family back together.


BGF- 30 (me)
WXBF- 30 (him)
Last Dday- 4-8-13, he left for OW#2
Us- 1 DS 3yo, Him- 1 DD 7yo

Mrs. Robinson- 41, S but still M

"You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." - Christopher Robin


Posts: 205 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Southern California
Josephine01
♀ Member
Member # 38511
Default  Posted: 12:56 AM, April 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello,

I read your story, let me say, I am sorry for what you have gone through.

It sounds like he is utilizing his IC to get out of feeling guilt or taking responsibility for his actions. It also sounds like he wants to shift the blame on to you. To me, it sounds like you are being set up to be the bad guy. I hope this is not the case.

I wish I could be more help, but my h seems not to want to take responsibility as well. He says he knows he was wrong and totally denies a PA. Because he did not have a PA in his mind (which I am not sure about) there was no EA.

It sounds like he is trying to handle this like he would a business transaction gone bad. I would use extreme caution If I were you.

Good luck,
Jose


Me, 42 BS
H, 61 WH
2 boys 19 and 15 years old
Married 24 years

Posts: 314 | Registered: Feb 2013
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 1:10 AM, April 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's lying. AND he's a dick.

Tell him that you're not doing another damn thing until he takes a polygraph.

If he gives you any grief about it, then start stuffing all of his shit in generic trash bags and throwing them out into the yard.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7886 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 1:22 AM, April 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi honey

He says he is tired of talking about the As and wants to move on to why they happened. Very sarcastically stated he will relay my terms onto his therapist and see if she agrees.

He wants to "relay his terms" he wants you to "move on to why they happened".

I want to make him REALLY hurt. Him mostly but his therapist a little!!!

What gonnabe2016 said!!!!

BIG HUGS

Laura


Married 32yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 60yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA 16+ years).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2744 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 1:29 AM, April 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, so I sniper-posted a bit ago.

I've now read your profile and see that he's not currently living with you. Good. Keep it that way.

I tell him thank you for sharing and I have to process what he is saying and I need him to leave now. I get up, stand by the door with his coat in hand and open the door. He tells me I am rude and I am an awful person. He says I behave badly, he takes his letter and tells me that I don’t deserve it

Huh. Doesn't seem as if this guy has ANY trouble expressing his unhappiness with you......which is contrary to his claims of being unable to tell you how unhappy he was with you. Do you see that?


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7886 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
sinsof thefather
♀ Member
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 3:18 AM, April 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He has been in IC and is learning to speak up for himself. He wants us to meet with his therapist and discuss the marriage.

and

Very sarcastically stated he will relay my terms onto his therapist and see if she agrees.


This is a set up. In my opinion he already knows what his therapist thinks ...he's even told you in a roundabout way.

I want to talk about the infidelity and he says I am stuck on this and he has said all he has to say. I know everything and how many times am I going to ask the same questions? He says he is hurting and he was unhappy and unable to express his negative feelings in the marriage.


If you are considering going to MC with him, I think you need to find a separate therapist for it. Preferably one that is experienced in infidelity.

[This message edited by sinsof thefather at 3:21 AM, April 21st (Sunday)]


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1856 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
isadora
♀ Member
Member # 29130
Default  Posted: 4:33 AM, April 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When FWH didn't want to talk about the A, got upset because I knew all there was to know and I needed to stop asking the same questions over and over, HE WAS STILL LYING.

He didn't want me to find out everything because he was scared I would leave and tha was his way of controlling the situation.


Me: BW Him: WH
Married: 10 yrs
4 children: DDs 6&4; DSs 2& baby
2 Affairs - 2010 year long PA/EA, 2008 2 month online EA
Multiple D-Days

I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.


Posts: 4505 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Back home again in Indiana
eyesrnowopen
♀ Member
Member # 39055
Default  Posted: 6:02 AM, April 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for posting. I found these boards weeks ago and your wisdom and experiences have given me clarity and strength. I also have a good IC who already suggested a poly as an option when WH suggested that we were at an impass due to my not accepting his truths and he did not know how to prove it to me. (see the trend, me bad guy/ him victim).

I see that I am being set up and agree with all posts above. I think he is using his IC as a justification that he is willing to work on things and if I don't go, then I am not willing to work on things. In his mind he is not having an A now. He is going to therapy. Now he is willing to work on the Marriage. If I don't go, I am not willing to work on the M.

I agree with Josephine 1 that he is treating this as a business deal gone bad and he is trying to save face. I plan on being very cautious. I plan to set boundaries with the meeting. 1. I'm here to deal with the As. 2. MC has to wait until we can first deal with this. 3. I am not responsible for the As. Again, any pointers you have for me are appreciated.

Gonnabe2016 your sniper rant is right on. Isadora, I agree, he is still lying, so I have no illusions that he is going to reveal any truths.

I have been searching the Library and know I have to go 180. I'm ready for this now. In the meantime, I need pointers on how to deal with a possible clueless therapist and a hostile WH.

[This message edited by eyesrnowopen at 6:13 AM, April 21st (Sunday)]


This is the work within, having control over the outcome of our lives. Robert Bly refers to this as “Warrior work.” A warrior fights for a cause, something he believes in. As opposed to a soldier who merely fights for control – power or profit.

Posts: 83 | Registered: Apr 2013
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, April 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You mentioned a *meeting*. I hope that doesn't reference a meeting with his IC, does it?

Do.NOT.Meet.With.Him.and.His.IC.

If your WH wants to *do* therapy, then he can come to yours or you will find another one.

If it were me, I wouldn't do shit with this guy right now while he's got that dickhead attitude.

Get comfy in that *bad guy* chair. It's really not that bad a place to be!


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7886 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, April 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi,

My STBXH did the same exact thing with not wanting to talk about the A any more. For a few days he was great and then suddenly displayed shut down behavior and got very angry and defensive.

What occurred to me finally, after some clues came, (the defensiveness was one) is that he was making up with OW and making plans to abandon us again. Also, talking about it for them makes them have to face it as a reality and he works very hard to not face what it truly is-great length to minimalize and even blamed it on me.

I was set up in false counseling in 2012, completely blindsided. STBXH picked the IC and it was of course someone who had to be on the insurance list, but he went first and filled her head with his side and all this sh about me.

When I would go, it is believed she was trying to see if what he said was true. And unless I was detatched and angry or made fun of him, it was a horrible time and worse than not going. She actually stood over my chair and yelled at me while I cried with her finger in my nose. (That was my last session there).

When we hd IC for DD, he manipulated those sessions for six months so I ended that, too and will find a new one.

One thing I find myself noticing lately is the counselors and lawyers themselves. The ones with more splash and flash I tend to be leary about. For instance, the counselor last year drove a gold lexus, had giant gold and silver purses and jewelry and is a very flashy person.

The one I have now has an Audi wagon that's six years old, a small black purse, no make up and hardly charges me any money to go because she heard my story and wants to help.

I don't know if that helps and hope the description of first IC isn't offensive, its not meant to be-it was a try at showing the differences in professional people and maybe clues to watch for as to how things may be.

Along similar but different lines, the L's I spoke with are similar, but maybe its just people and how they present themselves. The one I chose reduced his fees and the one I didn't was much flashier, no compassion and charged for the initial consult.

For me, I tend to prefer less flash or glitz, but I'm not prejudiced or trying to generalize, either. It was just a thought and I hope no one gets mad.

I wonder if any one else notices this about the counselors or professional people?


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2187 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, April 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

P.S. The posts that suggest a separate counselor for MC are spot on, in my opinion, so there's no background for either of you when you begin and its a fresh start.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2187 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
hopefulmother
♀ Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, April 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is making you out to be the "bad guy", because he is guilty of more. I agree polygraph. If he cares about you, he will do it without giving you such a hard time. (especially if he has nothing to hide) Set up the app, it just might be he needs the actual threat to come clean.


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 9yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 933 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
Josephine01
♀ Member
Member # 38511
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, May 2nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello eyes,

how are things going now?


Me, 42 BS
H, 61 WH
2 boys 19 and 15 years old
Married 24 years

Posts: 314 | Registered: Feb 2013
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, May 2nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi eno,

He wants us to meet with his therapist and discuss the marriage.

It is too early to discuss the M or for MC.

He says he is hurting and he was unhappy and unable to express his negative feelings in the marriage.

Before he is ready for MC, he should be able to explain to you, without undue defensiveness, why he turned to OW when he was unhappy. Why he was unable to express his opinion. He should also be demonstrating and be able to explain his new behaviors so that he can express his opinion in a civilized way, and that the next time he is unhappy he has alternatives to OW.

When he has reached the above, and you are at a point of accepting his As and on your way to healing, that is the time for MC.

I agree that a lie detection test may really help to clear the air.

He says he is tired of talking about the As and wants to move on to why they happened.

As well he should, as I described above, with his IC. Meanwhile, it is well recognized that re-processing traumatic events over and over is a way to heal.

It really sounds like there is more to the story. The initial story from FWW was she was spending too much time with OM (her boss), they became too close as friends, she would back off, he was a fond friend. I later learned it was two years of meeting for sex a couple of times a month, staying in the same room on travel , sharing photos and stexting.


LTA BS 53
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4109 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
damncutekitty
♀ Member
Member # 5929
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, May 2nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He says he is tired of talking about the As and wants to move on to why they happened.

Sounds to me like he's pissed that you took his toys away and he wants to make you take the blame for it. There is NO POINT in discussing the why of an affair with someone who has no remorse or interest in fixing the marriage. It will just turn into a huge bitch session in which all the faults of the BS are laid bare while the WS acts like the cheating is the only thing they did wrong, ever. DO NOT GET SUCKED INTO THIS TRAP!


Keep calm and carry on.

Posts: 49468 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Minneapolis
Darkonius
♂ Member
Member # 39135
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, May 2nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WW says things like this to me all of the time since DDay. "I've already told you everything!! Why do you have to keep bringing it up?", "I'm hurting too, this is just as hard on me!!I will have to live with what I have done for the rest of my life!!" and my personal favorite "your just doing this to finally push me away!! you don't want me anymore and your just afraid to tell me to get the hell out!!", if I bring something up or god forbid ask her a question about it htat she has already answered, she will begin to get very defensive and ultimately create a huge tramatic battle, and in the end she will say "See!! Why do you keep bringing this up? all it does is cause us to fight!!! Is this helping us at all??Do you feel better now that we have had this wonderful few days together and then you start this shit again?". not much help I know, just putting some of my experiences out there as well.


Me:BH/Madhatter 39
Her: WS 42
Children:None
DDay#1: 1995
DDay#2: 1999
DDay#3:3/4/2013
Married:19yrs
Status: Working towards R

You never truly know what Shit creek looks like until you find yourself sitting in the middle of it without a paddle.


Posts: 76 | Registered: Apr 2013
OneFootForward
♂ Member
Member # 39136
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, May 2nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have not gotten this far, but my WW says she is hurting too. She can't believe she did something like this. She is so glad I caught her so the lie would be over. It was like it was not even her some of the time, more her looking down on her body. Poppycock!

I have do doubt she is shamed. She was the one who called our pastor and made our first meeting. She came "clean" and I could tell she was in pain. However, the night she came "clean" she was so calm, detached... while I was a basket case. She was becoming the martyr while I was the one being crucified. I honestly don't know if she feels remorse or just regret. She had the power to start this whole mess and she could have stopped it. She had to get caught for it to end, so true remorse... just not sure. That leaves me equally unsure if she just wants to flee back to the safety of the "marriage bed" and all it brings, just biding her time or is honestly repenting.

While I feel her pain, it can't be my priority any more. As a husband, that is a very hard thing to say. My job is to protect her. But she jumped out from under that umbrella when she went to the Om. Now she is stuck between the two... and that can't feel good.

She now knows I am prepared to end the marriage, to save it. If she cant meet my terms then we may have to call it quits. I was not fine with that before, but I fine with it now.

If my WW started to act like this I know it would put an incredible strain on me. I also know I could not take it. That said, I don't want to beat her over the head with it either. I just want her to realize her part in all this and own up to making it right.


Me: 42 BS
Her: 41 EMA
Married: 16 years
D-Day#1: 04/17/13
D-Day#2: 05/8/13
Children: 9,5 (girls)
Om: High School Flame
"Marital problems doesn't make someone a cheater just like financial problems doesn't make someone a thief"

Posts: 71 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Mobile, AL
Tiredofthepain
♀ Member
Member # 37932
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, May 2nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree, every time I would ask the same questions over and over and he would get pissy or frustrated it was because he was lying his ass off!!


ME-BS 48
HIM-WS 38
WS is SA, multiple visits to prostitutes.
Status: Hanging in there

I would rather be told a hurtful truth than a comforting lie.

Posts: 559 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: NC
stilltrying2025
♀ Member
Member # 39145
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, May 3rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yup, been there done that. He says "I've told you a hundred thousand times that we are just friends, why do we have to keep talking about it." Duh, because I can't get over it until I know all the details. No respect whatsoever. In all actuality, after being on this site, I'm thinking that he just doesn't want to own his own mistakes....keep making me look like the bad person. Screw that! I didn't give this OW his phone number, I didn't tell him to text the OW and I didn't do anything in the marriage that would cause him to hurt me this badly. You are not to blame. If he wants to do counseling then you go to someone who has no idea what is going on, not to either your IC or his IC, someone who will be completely unbiased! Hugs to you....you need them!


Me: 38
WH: 43
DD: Thanksgiving Day, 2012
Status: Separated

Posts: 184 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Minnesota
Topic Posts: 24
Pages: 1 · 2

Return to Forum: Just Found Out Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.