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Newest Member: What2do2014 (44300)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: WH says he is hurting too
westerly
♂ Member
Member # 34280
Default  Posted: 8:43 PM, May 3rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would agree that this is some classic blameshifting. From what I have read and inferred, it sounds like you're doing exactly the right things here, and he is also behaving like a man who is not ready to reconcile.

Having been through this, my experience would suggest that he's not ready to accept full responsibility for the A, and I am 100% confident that he is trying to minimize the impact of the trauma on you to protect his sense of integrity and self-image. The problem with doing that is that this acts as a powerful block on his ability to empathize, and without that there can be no healing for you or your M.
He's going to have to accept that he will have to pursue IC and MC if you agree to it, concurrently. His healing is his problem, as is his own delving into his subconscious through therapy. All you can do is be supportive, own your share of responsibility (for the M, not for the A!!), and let him either dig a deeper hole or dig his own way out.

I can't see a good rationale for involving yourself with the IC, to be honest. That's EXACTLY the role of a marriage counselor, not an IC. My own IC was adamant about never mixing the two, as the goals of therapy there are wildly different.

Anyhow, I truly wish you luck.


me- 39, American (BS)
her- 45, South American (WS)
1 child (my stepson)
EA discovered 3/10
D-day (PA discovered) 8/11
D-day II, April 8, 2013 (while overseas w/family)
Attempting R, despite relapse.

Posts: 126 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: At sea, away from family
eyesrnowopen
♀ Member
Member # 39055
Default  Posted: 10:44 PM, May 3rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UPDATE: If you read some of my other posts you can see I had some slow starts to my 180. I'm finally catching on. I pulled back and really am taking care of me. It was not easy because I was ping pong between anxious and obsessed with where he was what he was doing, then angry, and than sad. I look at family photos and look at his eyes and think what was behind his smile and how fake he was. For the past 6 days I have had no contact, taking care of me. I have only emailed him, no engaging I smile (force myself) when I see him. Say hello, But only see him coming and going. Each day I focus on my recovery, my joy,My kids. I control my thoughts and anxious thoughts and try to focus on my life and what I want.

He said something that made me shift my focus to me. He said I was unhealthy tracking his phone calls and I needed help. I realize now if I take him back my life will end up focusing on him, checking up on him, wondering all the time about him. I also realize I want more for my life. I want and deserve better than I got from him.

I did not see his IC. Now after 6 days of 180 he made an apt with my IC for himself. We shall see what this brings but I'm no longer hanging and depending on what he says or does.


This is the work within, having control over the outcome of our lives. Robert Bly refers to this as “Warrior work.” A warrior fights for a cause, something he believes in. As opposed to a soldier who merely fights for control – power or profit.

Posts: 83 | Registered: Apr 2013
westerly
♂ Member
Member # 34280
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, May 4th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it's healthy that you're seeking Outcome Independence now. You know rationally that you'll be OK, even if it doesn't seem possible just now.

I don't think any of us find the 180 easy. Many of the steps are counterintuitive, and seeing someone you care about flail about, and not be there to help... that's HARD.

It is NOT unhealthy to track him right now. It can become unhealthy if he has earned some trust and you can't give it to him, but right now the only way he can earn trust is through his actions that you observe. So long as you don't become obsessed for years about his actions, all you're doing right now is protecting yourself by removing the potential for illusion and giving him the opportunity to be seen matching words with deeds.
I've felt what you are going through. I empathize! If you take him back, for a time, yes, a portion of your time will be spent monitoring him, which means you'll be focusing a lot of time and energy on someone who maybe doesn't deserve it yet. If, however, he conforms to your conditions for taking him back, you'll start going hours, a day here and there, without checking, and it will be OK. Eventually this will turn into a week, then a few, then you can stop. If he does his part, repents and reconciles, it will no longer be a matter of devoting energy to make sure he does his goddamned job, but rather you'll both focus on each other AND yourselves... at least ideally.
Keep doing what you're doing. Believe nothing he says, and only half of what he does until his fog lifts.


me- 39, American (BS)
her- 45, South American (WS)
1 child (my stepson)
EA discovered 3/10
D-day (PA discovered) 8/11
D-day II, April 8, 2013 (while overseas w/family)
Attempting R, despite relapse.

Posts: 126 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: At sea, away from family
hatefulnow
♂ Member
Member # 35603
Default  Posted: 6:04 PM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My wife didn't like to discuss it either, because she felt like an idiot. Also I was very hard and hurtful to her in the beginning. We are doing better now. What he's doing is right out of the WS playbook. He wants you to get over it. Sorry Charlie. To get past this you have to go through it.

Posts: 119 | Registered: May 2012
Topic Posts: 24
Pages: 1 · 2

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