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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: New him, same me
BrokenT
♀ New Member
Member # 39056
Default  Posted: 2:42 AM, April 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Im new to this forum. I need help and advice.
I and my husband have been married over six years. We are young. I have his son since our second year of marriage, I love him as my own and he doesn't even know I'm not his real mommy.
Our marriage was great. I really mean great. He loved me to extents I used to wonder how on earth did I get so lucky. He admired me. Always said "I can't believe God has given me you" and "no one will ever have a happier marriage" and other things, ALL the time. He admired my looks, my body, living together was so much fun. And we went through so much together, major car accident, major surgery, moving many times, loss of a job, buying our first house. And I was always there for him. Looking for jobs together, loving him, helping him, literally building him up. We were both givers and receivers.
Two years ago he cheated, I found out after many months. I didn't know what to do. He wanted a divorce. No need to explain how broken I was, I moved into my parents house for a while. they were shocked, everyone was. But he came crying and begging wanting me back. I was so broken and drained I just thought having my life back is the answer. I did want him back so badly.
So I took him back, we moved in together to a new house that I chose, the beginning was difficult as I thought he was going to be the same person I fell in love with, he wasn't. We fought, screamed, hurt like hell. Then things got better, life was smooth. I kept my hurt feelings of course, I couldn't forgive him but thought that time would heal.
Now after two years being togther he's just not becoming the man I thought he would be. I mean the one I fell in love with, the one I chose to marry and bond my life to his forever. Im the same loving person, when im in love i give it all, i lose myself (sadly), He's distant, not loving, not caring, what's worrying me the most is that he goes out on the weekends to see his friends, but he's been going out to see them in the same town where all the cheating happened. He tells me this is where they live, but I never met those guys, I don't know them. He comes very late at night, usually after midnight.
He swears nothing is happening, he says he loves me.
If I stay I know I'm never going to get the love I need. And I'm never going to drop it and move on, I'll always be doubting him, and worrying and investigating.. But loving him the same way (weird I know)
If I leave will I be leaving for just mere doubts with no solid grounds? I'll miss the family we created. I don't know if I can live without it, ever. Is it injustice to myself? Do I deserve better? Gosh I used to believe I deserve th best and hold myself so high, I can't believe I just typed "do I deserve better"!!!!!! Guys what in the hell is happening does everyone go through this or am I going crazy here?
Is there a chance of happiness and low with my husband? Was it a mistake to reconcile? Should I give him more time? Or just prepare for a divorce and leave?


BW 27
WH 33
Real Dday: May 22nd, 2013

Posts: 49 | Registered: Apr 2013
sadminnie
♀ Member
Member # 38870
Default  Posted: 2:53 AM, April 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, I totally get how you feel. When I first found out I was desperate to keep our family together and totally gave my all to making it work. It didnt he just said I was needy and a desperate person is not attractive. So I told him to go, it's not going to work cos he hadnt gave me any answers about the A he hadn't even spoke of it. Well he then told me all (or so he says) and I have since backed off. Admittedly it's hard when he goes out with his friends and it takes all my strength not to msg him while he is out. But not only is it prob doing our relationship good. But above all I feel better. What I'm saying is concentrate on YOU, yeah consider him but he lost the right to be your main concern when he did what he did. Once you are happy in yourself you will then know what is the best option for you. If he seems uninterested maybe consider moving on, it's probably never gonna be how it was. I really gets to me how our partners can do this too us when we give them our all .


WS 33
BS 31
Together 12 years
1 8 yr old daughter
Day 20/3/13
Second disclosure 29/4/13

Posts: 54 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: nottingham england
BrokenT
♀ New Member
Member # 39056
Default  Posted: 3:22 AM, April 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sadminnie,

I didn't mention that I have no details of the affair, he refused/refuses to tell me anything.. After two years I can't really persist on knowing... I'm glad you're ok with him, you're like the first person I hear this from...


BW 27
WH 33
Real Dday: May 22nd, 2013

Posts: 49 | Registered: Apr 2013
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 4:57 AM, April 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BrokenT

I am sorry for your pain. He isn't being fair to you.

I'll miss the family we created. I don't know if I can live without it, ever

From what you say, it appears your family is already gone. He has become someone else.

I would start taking care of myself. Maybe he will change, but he won't change with no need to.

You need to let him know he cannot walk all over you.

What married man/woman takes off every weekend to hang out with people their spouse doesn't even know? Your gut is screaming because something isn't right...you know it.

Take care of you, pull a 180 on him and make yourself strong.

He isn't worthy of your time and attention right now.

(((hugs)))


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3800 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 5:50 AM, April 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Other posters are correct....take care of yourself.

R in my marriage would not work if my WW did not have full disclosure. I have got graphic details of their sex, seen the old farmhouse OM owns where the illicit affair climaxed, read emails. Etc.

This is very tough...but the truth is far less painful then the lies.

Curious as to why you are not a priority over his friends...

Be strong....be caring....but allow WH space to come to you and tend to your needs.

Be cautious about words like "never"....this is often not correct. Emotions and feelings are always changing....

God bless us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3651 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
avicarswife
♀ Member
Member # 35799
Default  Posted: 6:27 AM, April 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It sounds like he wants to just carry on with life doing what he wants and acting like the affair never happened.

The affair was 100% on him - he decided to do that and it wasn't your fault - you know that right?

Have you explored the healing library? The box on the top left.

If I leave will I be leaving for just mere doubts with no solid grounds?

As I see it, if you choose to leave the marriage it won't be because of this it will because the relationship wasn't healed from the affair in the first place. It has been swept under the carpet and not dealt with - he hasn't done the work so you can heal and rebuild the marriage together.

You cannot reconcile and heal your marriage unless you are both on the same page doing the work.

Are you in counselling? Did you have marriage counselling?

It could be partly that he has no idea what is needed and doesn't know how to begin or that he is pretending to himself there isn't a problem.

Does he know how you feel and that you are at this point?

hugs BrokenT

[This message edited by avicarswife at 6:28 AM, April 21st (Sunday)]


BS: 47 (me)
WH: 51
Married 26 yrs, 3 kids (16-24)
D-Days 2012: 23 - 24 May + TT
D-Day 2013: 12 Apr OW#3
mOW #1 EA yrs PA Feb 2009-end 2011
mOW #2 EA months PA 4 months 2010
OW #3 PA single time 2010
Status: Maybe 'R'

Posts: 722 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: "down-under"
BrokenT
♀ New Member
Member # 39056
Sad  Posted: 6:45 AM, April 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Avicarswife, you've just put my present life into words. I wasnt able to verbalize even though it sounds simple. Yes he always acts as if nothing happened, when I'm down or upset he says "why can't you just relax" and the biggest I heard from him was Sorry!!
I'll go through the healing library. And no we haven't been to counseling.. A part of me wants to know all the details of the affair like Blakesteele mentioned, and another part is scared... After two years do I want all the fresh hurt and agony? Will I be able to deal with it?
I'm not even sure he's ready to do the work. Hes living so innocently and can't stand me attacking him with questions or requests..
I'll talk to him, not knowing where anything is leading. I'm only 26 guys. I thought this happens when we're in our forties or something :(


BW 27
WH 33
Real Dday: May 22nd, 2013

Posts: 49 | Registered: Apr 2013
catlover50
♀ Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, April 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((BrokenT))))

I hate to say it but he sounds as if he is still having an A; he at least has wayward behavior. During what I consider our false R, even though my fHW was not having an A, he was still lying, hiding things from me, not sharing his feelings. I was considering divorce because he had promised me so much more and had failed to live up to it.

Once he finally faced HIMSELF he became not only the man I married but so much more. Unfortunately I was powerless to make him change; he had to face losing everything before he could look deeply inside himself.

Best of luck.



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1729 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
RidingHealingRd
♀ Member
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, April 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's distant, not loving, not caring, what's worrying me the most is that he goes out on the weekends to see his friends

I hate to say it but these are all red flags:
-distant
-not loving/caring
-secrecy about friends/social life

He wants to R and he behaves like this?

He is rugsweeping, avoiding, not accountable for his behavior, attempting to silence you. None of this is acceptable.

You should be his priority, he should be doing all that he can to help you heal.

I hate to say it but he sounds as if he is still having an A

^^^I too thought this after reading your post. Obviously I do not know if he is but I would be watching him.

Dday I informed my WH that he would follow the established rules or get out and honestly, I meant it and he knew it.

You get what you allow, do not allow this.

{{{BrokenT}}}


ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 3.5 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.


Posts: 2109 | Registered: Nov 2011
KBeguile
♂ Member
Member # 38348
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, April 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with RidingHealingRd.

Everything your H is doing to you, BrokenT, is completely unacceptable. If he wants to be truly remorseful, only honesty and transparency will do. He is intentionally not telling you something he doesn't want you to know; even if what he's not telling you is actually something minor/unassuming/unrelated (perhaps he's gambling half a paycheck or more? perhaps he's endangering his own life somehow?), his not informing you is only adding to the list of bad behaviors that he will eventually have to own if he has any hope of recovery.

He is rugsweeping, avoiding, not accountable for his behavior, attempting to silence you. None of this is acceptable.

You should be his priority, he should be doing all that he can to help you heal.

100% agree with RHR.


Me: fWS 32
Her: BS 35 (HeartInADustpan)
DS: 4yo
M: 7 years
DDays: 2012/11/14, 2013/02/05, 2013/03/09
-
"Everything that happens now is happening 'now.'"
"What happened to 'then'?"
"We passed 'then.'"

Posts: 797 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
Hurt2Deeply
♀ Member
Member # 38317
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, April 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is being very disrespectful of you. He had an affair and now wants you back but refuses to be open and honest with you about the affair and his current activities. He is unkind and spends a lot of time away from you with no accountability.

I also think he is likely still having the affair or else another one. You don't even know these "friends". You need help in handling this. It is serious. I'm so glad you found this sight. You will get a lot of excellent advice here.

H2D


Me BS 57
Him FWH 60
M 35 years
3 Adult kids
R

Posts: 93 | Registered: Jan 2013
Lolati11
♀ Member
Member # 34915
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, April 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Broken T .From reading your post I can see that you are deeply in love with your H .However he is rugsweeping .Sorry is not enough .Trust me I asked for all the details and even though sometimes I wish I didn't I am glad I have the knowledge .You want to work on your Mariage Right ? But from what you are saying your WH does not !! you need to take care of you !!


Me:34
Him: 51
OW: a monster that I called friend before
D-Day:June 20,2011


You made a fool out of me and she made a fool out of you


Posts: 141 | Registered: Feb 2012
NoraLee
♀ Member
Member # 37922
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, April 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's never too late to get the details of the affair...it's integral to healing. You have a right to know what happened to you...

Is he giving you transparency? Can you look through his phone? Do you have his passwords? Do you even know who the OW was? These things are the cornerstone to reconciliation.

Good luck - you're not alone...post often and read even more...


Me - BW - 44
Him - FWH - 42
Married 16 years
D day - 1/2 truth - July 2012
Full disclosure - August 2012
EA with skanky waitress coworker
3 kids - 14, 16, 21
In R

Posts: 791 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Canada
BrokenT
♀ New Member
Member # 39056
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, April 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with all of you. Ive been reading other peoples posts here, and the men who cheated and reconciled are dying to have their wives love back, and the warmth of the family and the strive and struggle to make the wives trust them again.
I'm not getting any of this. The most I got was Sorry. I love you. I want to make this work but let's not talk of the past. I did sit him down and asked him about the affair, he answered most of the questions but not all. But I still don't feel he's regretting anything, or he's feeling awful about it, I don't know why.... He did say he hates to bring these feelings back because he can't live like a failure, he succeeds in making a successful life and he wants to make me happy..I don't know.. I know that when he's truthful I can feel it, after all we've been together six years..
He's not making an effort I definitely know this. He promises he will, then he just acts like al is fine and we are the perfect couple.
Thank you guys, everyone that posted here... I'm going to keep you updated. I hope this works i know I'm so in love with him, but Im not desperate I'm just hurt and broken. I'll see how this works..
Last night he took the dog for a walk and spent some time looking for flowers for me.. Nice gesture..


BW 27
WH 33
Real Dday: May 22nd, 2013

Posts: 49 | Registered: Apr 2013
KBeguile
♂ Member
Member # 38348
Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, April 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with all of you. Ive been reading other peoples posts here, and the men who cheated and reconciled are dying to have their wives love back, and the warmth of the family and the strive and struggle to make the wives trust them again.

Yup. I know I have come to really appreciate the family and love that I was abandoning foolishly. Considering I have wanted to be a good father and husband since about the age of 5? The realization I was throwing it all away for unicorn glitter farts would have absolutely crushed my 1st-grade-self.

I'm not getting any of this. The most I got was Sorry. I love you. I want to make this work but let's not talk of the past.

Typical behavior of someone who wants to rugsweep. Either he just hasn't realized he's pushing you away by continuing to act in this manner and wants to be remorseful (not sure I believe this one, but I put it here for completeness' sake) or he is still involved in something nefarious (not necessarily an affair, but I wouldn't rule it out) and just wants to have his cake and eat it, too. Maintain the status quo, not rock the boat too much, until he is ready to abandon ship. Completely f&$%ing ignorant of the pain he's putting you through in any case, and you need to absolutely tell him in no uncertain terms that you're not going to put up with that s#!+. He shouldn't get off that easy. Don't let him. He's hurt you.

I did sit him down and asked him about the affair, he answered most of the questions but not all.

If you're going to truly reconcile, he would have to answer any and all questions you have. Pure and simple.

But I still don't feel he's regretting anything, or he's feeling awful about it, I don't know why.... He did say he hates to bring these feelings back because he can't live like a failure,

TOO. BAD.

Seriously? He hates to bring these feelings back?? HE'S NOT THE ONE THAT'S HURTING.

Look, I was here, too, once. I didn't want to admit to what I did, and I certainly didn't want to answer questions or dwell on it for any length of time. I justified it by saying it hurt me to talk about these things and it made me feel like a complete tool, but that was just sidestepping the issues.

I absolutely hurt Heart with everything I said and did during my As. My pain is infinitesimal compared to hers. Really, the only one who should get the opportunity to throw up the stop sign here is you. You're the best judge of when you've heard enough, not him.

he succeeds in making a successful life and he wants to make me happy..I don't know.. I know that when he's truthful I can feel it, after all we've been together six years..
He's not making an effort I definitely know this. He promises he will, then he just acts like al is fine and we are the perfect couple.

Trust your gut. You know you can trust your own personal BS meter now, because it's already led you to his A.

And, you know, if you wanted to be snarky about it, you could tell him you'll act like a perfect couple when he finds you the perfect husband. You know, one who won't cheat...


Me: fWS 32
Her: BS 35 (HeartInADustpan)
DS: 4yo
M: 7 years
DDays: 2012/11/14, 2013/02/05, 2013/03/09
-
"Everything that happens now is happening 'now.'"
"What happened to 'then'?"
"We passed 'then.'"

Posts: 797 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
BrokenT
♀ New Member
Member # 39056
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

KBeguile your straight forward way made me laugh many times

I let myself get lost in this marriage. I don't know why I allows this. I realized I have been a wife, that's all. I haven't finished school, I have no money, no career or experience.

Im finishing my school this is my last year. I'll take care of myself. I heard it many times here "take care of yourself" and funny enough, I spoke to a friend living in another country and what she said was what! "take care of yourself"

I'm hoping my husband does the work. We spoke again, it was angry me super Hulk, he was quite and listened to everything. I used to feel sorry for him when I attack him, this time I didn't. I felt nothing except pure anger. I got more answers, more details, it's sick it makes me sick!
I told him its his job fixing everything that happened, I can't worry about this. My hurt feelings are hurt by him, I didn't do anything wrong. He chose to do the wrong, and so on and so forth. He said he will do what he can to make our marriage survive. I wanted to hear "I'll do whatever it takes" but I shouldn't judge him for his choice of words, words don't matter as much as actions, at least to me.

I know he's not having an affair now. I have his passwords, I have access to his everything. But I want to get past this part of life where all I can see, think, hear, expect is betrayal.

I'm afraid to be honest with you all. I'm afraid of getting hurt. And I'm afraid of getting old being stuck in an emotionless marriage. I can't do this.

I'll see what he has to offer and the changes he promised to make. I'll see if anything will become true.. It would feel great, just great to have the same feelings of love again. You know the pure love we all had before getting betrayed, the love that's just so enjoyable you think to yourself "this IS happiness"

[This message edited by BrokenT at 1:41 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)]


BW 27
WH 33
Real Dday: May 22nd, 2013

Posts: 49 | Registered: Apr 2013
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Broken sorry you are here. You will get lots of good advice though. Listen to what others who have been there done that have to say. They are not judging just trying to help you from experiencing the hurt they have had.

From what you have shared it sounds like he truly doesn't own what he did. He certainly wants to go on with life and pretend nothing happened. Does he understand why he did it?
Is he sad for what he did or because he was caught? There is a difference.

He should be able to be up front with you, and you should be able to bring what he did up when you are hurting, and support you, not be angered or act bothered by it. He made the proverbial bed, now he has to sleep in it.

It takes both partners working their tails off to have a successful R. It takes the W understanding what they did and why they did it.

You say you have passwords, etc.
Are you 100% certain? He is going to party with his buddies every weekend? I'm sorry but experience tells me otherwise. Start checking up. Get a VAR in his vehicle. Check his computer history for unusual addresses that he has been to. The first thing a W will do when wanting to underground, is create a new email account, and buy a pay as you go phone. If you can put a keylogger on your computer.
His level of being withdrawn and leaving his wife and child to be w/ "buddies" are Giant Red Flags to me. My H did this, when his A was ongoing, before I had any proof. Chose to work at his Out of town office more than he needed. found excuses to not be home on weekends. Fishing, Golf trips etc. These were all lies.

Keep coming here, keep posting, care for yourself. Read the Healing library.

You deserve to be treated like a queen, and be respected and loved, not to be your spouses second choice.

((((and strength )))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8484 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Topic Posts: 17

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