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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Content, complacent or Kisa?
dlmos
♂ Member
Member # 36839
Question  Posted: 10:55 AM, April 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I was talking with a friend of mine about needing to get out and have a life of my own outside of kids, dating etc... So a little background, I have my kids one to two week nights and every weekend day I don't work. I work either Saturday or Sunday most weekends and when I don't work I take them the whole weekend. My work schedule is a 24 hour shift so nothing happens that day. So two night out of three I'm free after about 7:00 when they go home, and once or twice on weekdays I have nothing, no kids or work.

I've started taking a salsa dancing class and enjoy it, occasionally go out with my cousin but for the most part I just hang out. I think some of this is KISA issues, I have a hard time just doing something for myself. I worry about neglecting something else, or hurting someone's feelings. It should be noted that in my M going out by myself was like taking the expressway to the doghouse. But a lot of was also just me worried about the ex being overwhelmed with the kids. I always felt like I would be putting her out if I left her alone with them (and she heavily reenforced that concept).

I do really enjoy doing things with friends and always prefer to do things with a friend, small group etc rather than just by myself. I'm a talker and love to be able to share experiences. But it seems like I'm not really getting out there now, and my friend pointed out is that I need to have a life of my own in addition to work, kids and whatever else.

I'm not unhappy, so am I just content or complacent? It could also be that I tend to KISA things and am very accessible to friends and family. Has anybody else found a way to find a healthy balance?


BH (31)
DS - 7, DD - 5
Divorced

Posts: 461 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Fort Worth,Texas
FaithFool
♀ Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, April 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is nothing wrong with just hanging out if that's what you feel like doing.

I saw a quote from John Lennon on FB which I love:

Time you enjoy wasting was not wasted.


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
Celebrating 60 years on Earth

Posts: 16613 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
inconnu
♀ Member
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, April 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

okay, you're talking about the need to get out, so I'd rule out "content." I'd say it's not that you're unhappy with your life, it's just you want something more, even if you don't know what that more is, yet.

The dance class is a good start. Maybe now all you need to do is find something else you're interested in, and find a class or sign up for an event. Add new interests one at a time, instead of trying to throw yourself into a bunch all at once. Use this time to create the life you want to have.

That being said, how do you feel about the "warrior dash" or "mud run" types of events? For some reason, I can picture you doing those...


Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect


Posts: 11967 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: TX
cayc
♀ Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, April 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your divorce is relatively recent right? As in late last year/early this year? As level headed as you seem, and as open to self-exploration as you seem, please recognize that this is a whole new world you are exploring. It's not a race. You don't have to figure everything out today. You don't have to say "ok, this is how I like things, things are that way, so now it's settled." Boom. Done.

I think too, that having a full life separate from children, when you have little ones, looks much different than when you don't. As in what constitutes "full" doesn't look like what it does for someone who doesn't have children. Full for you may be, a close confident who you are enjoying getting to know through conversation, a salsa class once a week, a Sunday morning motorcycle ride with the buddies, and ... that might be it. Imho, that's "full" for a dad of two young kidlets.

If there's something you *want* to be doing and you're stopping yourself because "I need to call my confident like I usually do at this time of day" or if there's something you *want* to be doing and you aren't because you think you shouldn't. Or if you have unexpended energy that's bugging you b/c it doesn't have an outlet. Well then, that's a problem. But if that active want is not staring you in the face, and you're asking this question because you are concerned that you should be wanting things and right now you just aren't, then I'd say relax a little. Go with the flow. Figure out who you are as a single dad. It might look a lot different that what you looked like as a single 20 year old man.


BS 45, WH 38
M 8 years, together 10
Real DDay 10/07/11
Too many OW to count.
D final on 6/21/12
You have to walk away from the past in slow motion as it explodes behind you, like in a John Woo movie.

Posts: 2782 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
dlmos
♂ Member
Member # 36839
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, April 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Faithfool - I am enjoying my time, I just worry maybe a little too much. There are some things I would like to do some things like play softball or what not I just never seem to get around to them.

inconnu - I would love to do a mud run! I'm actually signed up for a color run in may too. I think that while I'm not just dying to "get out". I do enjoy doing things and need to make some friends that are interested in doing those (my cousin is the only person I hang out with normally and he takes work to get moving...).

cayc - you hit the nail on the head, it's not that I feel the need I just worry I might "should". And yes my divorce is still recent so it all one big life adjustment at this point. But single at 20? Lol, I was MARRIED at 20! I think I do need to just relax a bit though, cause I am pretty happy right now


BH (31)
DS - 7, DD - 5
Divorced

Posts: 461 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Fort Worth,Texas
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, April 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm in a somewhat similar situation. I'm having a hard time finding stuff to do with my New Beginning. I'm still at the "I'd rather take a nap" stage sometimes, but that's not a heck of a lot of fun. I find I'm bored & lonely when my kids aren't here.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8747 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, April 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It should be noted that in my M going out by myself was like taking the expressway to the doghouse.

This is one of the best parts of being single. You're not married to someone who is going to make you feel guilty about being married anymore. Yes, you keep on being a good dad to your kids, and you keep doing a good job, but the rest of your time is YOURS to be selfish with. You get to do whatever you enjoy doing - whether that's staying in or going out.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13188 | Registered: Jul 2011
jennie160
♀ Member
Member # 29949
Default  Posted: 8:50 PM, April 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was in a very similar situation with my marriage. My husband was a very jealous person and didn't like it when I did anything that didn't involve him. After my divorce I went into overdrive with getting together with friends and going out. I'm naturally a very introverted person so after awhile this behavior began to wear me out. Most nights I would much rather spend the evening by myself making dinner, watching a movie, reading a book, ect.

"I need to call my confident like I usually do at this time of day" or if there's something you *want* to be doing and you aren't because you think you shouldn't.

I really struggled with this aspect in the beginning of my relationship with SO. Since we are LD we don't see each other as much as most couples and I worried that I was decreasing my going out because of him and not for myself. I didn't want to be "that girl" that ditches her friends when she starts seeing a guy. But that really wasn't the case it was more that I was just getting tired of it. It wasn't that I was staying home so that I could talk to SO but instead I was staying home so I can enjoy my "me time".

But since you said that you would rather do things with a friend than by yourself, this makes me think that you aren't staying home for yourself but instead because you feel it's what you think you should be doing.

Could it be that after your divorce (after years of being told you couldn't have fun) that you went into overdrive and have just worn yourself out? As long as you're choosing to stay home for yourself and not because you're so use to trying to keep from rocking the boat I think that hanging out with friend alittle less is ok.


Posts: 921 | Registered: Oct 2010
dlmos
♂ Member
Member # 36839
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, April 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the replies everyone!

I think it is mainly old habits still dying hard. I have had a lot of routine shifts over the last couple months with swapping around visitation days, dental work, etc... I would like to go out once and a hwile with a fun group of friends but I'm also really just enjoying me time too. I like cayc's idea of a night out during the week and a day for riding the motorcycle, that's about the balance I think I need right now


BH (31)
DS - 7, DD - 5
Divorced

Posts: 461 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Fort Worth,Texas
Williesmom
♀ Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, April 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would encourage you to do things by yourself.

Once you get used to it, it's really nice. You don't have to worry about what anyone else wants to do. I guess it's a process of getting comfortable with yourself again.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 6995 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
ManBearDivorce
♂ Member
Member # 36258
Default  Posted: 7:33 PM, April 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is good that you are going out! Be out and forget about your kids. Not you to worry about. I think about my kids all the time but I have learned that I cannot change the fact that her and I are D and we take turns with the kids. I shrug it off my shoulder every once in a while. I do get that feeling too but you have to bear the fact that she chose this route and you have go your route too.

Posts: 315 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: St.Paul Minnesota
Topic Posts: 11

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