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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: having children after an A?
Theradin
♂ Member
Member # 38518
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, April 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sure I'm not the only one to either be in this position or ponder this topic, but I wanted to put it out there for others to comment on. I appreciate any advice or comments.

Here's what I'm wondering:

What do you think is a 'good' amount of time to be in true R with a WS before having another child? Presume both the BS and WS both want another kid equally.

The reason I ask is because I know how hard it was the first time around with a newborn baby, etc., and maybe that can put a LOT of stress on a fragile couple going through R. Maybe not, though?

Also, aside from the stress a newborn can put on a family (and couple in R), what about the need to feel fully 'over' the A before bringing a child into this world? I'd hate to always look at my child and have them be a reminder of the A because that is right around when he/she was brought into this world. I don't want my child to be any part of the A in my mind, ever.

I don't know because I've never been through this before, but I'm sure others either have or are in the process of going through this.

Thanks in advance for any advice or comments! Very much appreciated, as always!


ME: 33 BH
HER: 32 WW
Married: 8 years
Children: Yes
DDay #1: 02/22/2006 (ONS)
DDay #2: 09/23/2012 (EA/PA)
DDay #3: 12/07/2012 (EA/PA)
DDay #4: 01/03/2013 (EA/PA)
DDay #5: 01/24/2013 (EA/PA)
TT until 04/07/2013
100% NC: 04/18/2013

Posts: 190 | Registered: Feb 2013
Daisy312
♀ Member
Member # 36813
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, April 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Everyone is different, but I personally would want to make sure we are fully R'd and comfortable with our M and communication. My baby was born 10 days after Dday, and I can tell you that it was the worst experience ever! I will never forgive my WH for taking away that time with my baby. I couldn't fully enjoy her birth, or first year of life because I was just trying to survive, take care of our 3 yr old, and work full time. You want to really enjoy that baby so make sure your M is solid and your Ws has worked through their issues. You seem to have a lot of Ddays, which means a lot of shit to work through.

Posts: 278 | Registered: Sep 2012
FR2012
♀ Member
Member # 36345
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, April 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am the WS in this, I am currently pregnant (due any day now).

We got pregnant about 3 months after D-Day. We just had our 1 year antiversary on April 19th. It wasn't something that was planned but we knew it could happen, but really weren't thinking about that at the time.

We talked for the longest time about having another baby too. Honestly, I really wish that we would have had another baby at a different time.

You just need to decide where you are in your relationship and how things are. You will feel how things are going in your reconciliation process and feel when the time is right.

I know for a fact that my husband and I were not nearly as good as we are now back in July when we conceived.

We are slowly getting excited for the birth of our son though.

You will decide when the time is right though.


BH (him): 28 ~ FWW (me): 27
Together 9 years
2 kids
D-Day: April 19, 2012

Posts: 167 | Registered: Aug 2012
Please1983
♀ Member
Member # 35894
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, April 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I got pregnant about 16 months after DDay. Planned.
I stressed about if I should get pregnant or not for a while but I think I was more concerned about what other people would think. That's just silly. So I stopped that.
When it came to just thinking about us and our family it felt right. I felt forgiving. And my life no longer felt consumed by the affair.
I don't think I will ever be fully over the affair so I couldn't wait for that but we are getting past it together as best as we can.
It felt like time to get on with our lives and our family the way we always should have.
We will be 2 years past DDay on 21 August and baby is due 7 September.


BS me 30
WS him 31 (thankyou1981)
OW 19 year old at his work
Together 9 years
3 boys. 4, 3 and baby.
D-day 20 aug 2011

Posts: 198 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: UK
Jadedgirl
♀ New Member
Member # 36029
Default  Posted: 10:13 PM, April 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I may be in the minority but I would not have any children or additional children with a WS. I have two children with WS, both are pre-A and I couldnt imagine bringing a child into this mess AFTER knowing my WS is not trustworthy. An A is not just a betrayal of a spouse, it is a betrayal of a family (when children have already been created). So why bring additional children into the world with a person who has proven themselves capable of betraying their family?? Just my opinion.


Me (BW) - 36
Him (WH) - 35
Married 15 years (HS sweethearts)
DD - 9, DS 2
OW - I don't really care enough about her to acknowledge her!

Posts: 29 | Registered: Jul 2012
careerlady
♀ Member
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 11:54 PM, April 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jadedgirl that's pretty jaded. Seems like if the issues have been worked through and the marriage is better for it then it can be treated like a true marriage and kids can be introduced. I know what you're saying but R is R


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
D by default 5/3/14!
In house 8 mos, moved out 7/1!!!
Summary: http://youtu.be/iaysTVcounI

Posts: 942 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 4:05 AM, April 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BH here. 9 months out from DD. 3 months ago I started to have a desire to add another child to our family.

This seems crazy to me...I have prayed on it and tried logic...I just dont have a clear cut answer on this one.

Before the A I did not want to expand our family. Since the A I have re-arranged my priorities in life.

My priorities, among other things, were out of alignment.

I am not sure if I am maturing and my marriage is moving onto a path it should have been all along...or if it is just a basic marking my territory urge.

I am not much help to you...sorry. I, too, am struggling with this.

We have the added pressure of running out of time due to my wifes age.

I will watch this post....

God be with us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3981 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Please1983
♀ Member
Member # 35894
Default  Posted: 5:33 AM, April 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I may be in the minority but I would not have any children or additional children with a WS. I have two children with WS, both are pre-A and I couldnt imagine bringing a child into this mess AFTER knowing my WS is not trustworthy. An A is not just a betrayal of a spouse, it is a betrayal of a family (when children have already been created). So why bring additional children into the world with a person who has proven themselves capable of betraying their family?? Just my opinion.

That is pretty jaded. And a bit sad.
I no longer judge my WS on the fact he had an affair. If I was gonna keep on doing that forever then to me there would be no point in R.
Yes he messed up big time but the point in R with him was to get past that and move on with the rest of our lives together. If I was gonna forever think well we can't do this or that because he had an affair then it just wouldn't be worth it for me.
Who he was before when I had the two kids with him that we already have was capable of what he did but I didn't know it. Hopefully he has learnt enough from this to never do it again but only time will tell.
We can never know anyone 100% and if we all went around worrying about everything all the time it would be the end of civilisation.
What I do know is I have 99.9% forgiven him, I believe in him, I am happy with him and I feel very lucky to be carrying our 3rd child.


BS me 30
WS him 31 (thankyou1981)
OW 19 year old at his work
Together 9 years
3 boys. 4, 3 and baby.
D-day 20 aug 2011

Posts: 198 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: UK
idiot85
♂ Member
Member # 38934
Default  Posted: 5:46 AM, April 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with you Please1983- reconciliation should mean exactly that.

I'm also not sure it's quite a betrayal of a family- it is and it isn't- yes it's putting family life at risk but even if they're at a point where they're wondering if they love their partner- they won't be questioning the love of their children- not that I'm an authority on this but that's my opinion.

I'm finding my wife's pregnancy a welcome distraction. I'm hoping it doesn't distract the wife too much from working her shit out but for me- I the fact it's taking up some of my thoughts- it means I'm not thinking about what she did.

Theradin- I doubt I personally will ever be fully over this but I decided I wanted to forgive her and part of this is moving on in life and moving forward. The wife is stressing over the prospect of it being stressful!!!! -I'm not stressing, I think it's a blessing at a sad time!


BH-29 (me)
WW-28

Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.


Posts: 575 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty
HormonalWoman
♀ Member
Member # 29265
Default  Posted: 7:33 AM, April 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd say a good amount of time is when you are fully R'd? I don't really know! Babies and young kids are a strain on the best of marriages so better to be in the best position you can be in the M beforehand i guess.

I personally will not be having anymore babies with WH. But, i feel my family is complete anyway so kind of a moot point really.


Together 14 yrs
BW - Me
WH - Him
3 Children
DD 20th June 2010 actual affair was early 2008 for roughly 10 wks.

Posts: 246 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
Fidelia
♀ Member
Member # 38345
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, April 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We were done having any more children before DDay, so my perspective is a bit different in some ways. But if we hadn't been, well I#m not sure I would want children post-DDay. For me it's all about triggers. You see WH began straying both times when each of the children were just babies. Far too big a trigger for me, I feel that it is linked somehow. No matter what changes were made, the fear/reminder would be there for me.

Maybe that would change given more time, but in reality that's not an issue for us anymore, anyway. But it's an interesting question to think about and I feel it says a lot about where we are in R

[This message edited by Fidelia at 7:57 AM, April 22nd (Monday)]


Me: BW 36
Him: WH 36 (randomusername)

"lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint, but rather be healed" Heb12v13

"Oh God give me


Posts: 296 | Registered: Feb 2013
Angel177
♀ Member
Member # 37274
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, April 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is an interesting thread to me. We were trying to have a baby well WH was cheating. Whenever it was talked about he was on board for having this baby and of course I had no idea he was cheating. I found out I was pregnant and 4 days later was DDay. At first I didn't want to have this baby and bring another child into this mess, then we had a scare in November where we thought we had lost him and it was a wake up call for me and WH. Even in the mess we were in a baby is always an amazing gift. Now we are further into R I feel better and better about having him. I do wish we were a few years into R before the stress of a newborn hit but that's not an option I had. We always wanted three kids and honestly if things are good between us a few years from now I do think we will have another. I agree that if you R then it should be fine to add more children. If you feel like you don't want to have children because your spouse cheated I would say you haven't reconciled yet.

I'm hoping this baby doesn't set our R back at all. I am nervous because newborns are stressful. If DDay had been before I found out I was pregnant we probably wouldn't be having another right now but we would definitely be having another someday.


Me:BS
Him:WH
D-Day Sept. 14/12...R started Dec. 3/12
Together-10 years Married-5 years
Daughter-3
Son-13 months (died July 2, 2014)
Baby #3 due Feb. 2015
4 month EA and 4 month EA/PA in 2012 with my "friend"

Posts: 250 | Registered: Oct 2012
Lucky2HaveMe
♀ Member
Member # 13333
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, April 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would caution you to look at the list of Ddays you have in your sig line. There are a lot of them and they are very recent.

I think you need to look at the work the WS has/is committed to. You need to see continued committment to the M to be sure she isn't just "going through the motions" but rather is digging deep to fix himself. For you, I think you need to be 100% sure you believe him. Sure that you trust that she has healed.

This ride takes 2-5 years on average. For us it took nearly 7 years for me to feel fully healed.

Don't rush bringing a new baby into the M. Heal what is broken so that baby is welcomed without any baggage.

[This message edited by Lucky2HaveMe at 11:30 AM, April 22nd (Monday)]


Indian wisdom says our lives are rivers. We are born somewhere small and quiet and we move toward a place we cannot see, but only imagine. From Tending Roses

Posts: 6559 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: WNY
iggyD
♀ Member
Member # 36171
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, April 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would caution you to look at the list of Ddays you have in your sig line. There are a lot of them and they are very recent.
I think you need to look at the work the WS has/is committed to. You need to see continued committment to the M to be sure he isn't just "going through the motions" but rather is digging deep to fix himself. For you, I think you need to be 100% sure you believe him. Sure that you trust that he has healed.

^^^^ This.

Although it may seem "jaded", I agree with Jadedgirl. At least,it should be an established period of reconciliation time before more children are brought into the marriage. There are too many examples here on SI alone of women who continue to bring children into false reconciliations after a year or two and then are "stuck" (or at least feel "stuck" after more DDs).

Also I think the motivation for having more children should really be examined. I don't feel that a new baby should "represent and cement our new love and commitment" after reconciliation. As has been stated many times here on SI, babies don't need to be born with a job assignment.

Also, if there are already multiple children in the family why not focus on them by creating a stonger loving family?


2012 was a bitch...but I'm hopeful about 2013.

Posts: 317 | Registered: Jul 2012
doesitgetbetter
♀ Member
Member # 18429
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, April 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think that far too many people view having a baby as a way to heal their relationship from whatever issues they are having. That or they view having a baby as proof that their relationship is back on track and right where it should be. A baby is neither of those things at all!

I know that there is never a perfect time to do ANTYHING. However there are certainly times when it's a better idea than others. H and W are both unemployed and have been for months, time to start a family? Probably not. H and W are both alcoholics but want to get sober, time to get pregnant to have a reason not to drink? Probably not. H and W been fighting so much the past few years but the past 4 weeks have been pretty calm, time to have a baby since we're getting along so famously? Probably not.

You have so many DDays, and they sprinkle throughout your entire marriage. If I were in your shoes, I would not have another baby with this man until he's been faithful longer than he's been unfaithful. Meaning, if he started cheating in 06, and it's now 13 and there's still new DDays, then I wouldn't have a child with him until he's been solidly faithful for 7+ years. I say this because due to his track record, there will likely be more DDays to come. And what would you do with yourself if you were now "stuck" with an infant at home at the same time while trying to deal with his newest infidelity?

IMO, we must always have options. When we are saddled with small children, our options become more limited most of the time.


DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - FWS
Us - Committed
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
"Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction." Isaiah 48:10

Posts: 3859 | Registered: Feb 2008
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, April 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I sure wouldn't. Not for a long time and major changes in the wayward.

I would do so only knowing full well I could care for the children on my own.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6549 | Registered: Jan 2011
Neithan
♂ Member
Member # 35924
Default  Posted: 5:17 PM, April 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One person's jaded is another person's realistic. I believe I'm realistic.

I'd think long and hard, and need to see years of quality R before even considering having a child with someone who had one betrayed me.

Children do not fix relationships; they add more stress. A solid partnership between spouses, based on trust, mutual respect and shared goals is the best basic foundation for raising a child.


Me: BH
Her: WW
D-Day: 2/19/2010
Married 1981
That which does not kill me makes me more irritable

Posts: 333 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Among the Gaurwaith
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 5:38 PM, April 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Theradin

I am also a little concerned about this.

In my sich I found out about OW0 in 1988. I was pregnant at the time. I miscarried. FWH gaslighted and I suppose I rugswept. I tried to get pregnant again soon after and finally had another child in 1990.

Our M was far from perfect but I kept trying. I now know that in the early 1990's FWH began with OW1. I didn't know at the time, couldn't work out why he was so difficult and kept thinking things would get better when life settled down. I sometimes thought of leaving but stayed and tried to make the M work "for the children" and because I was frightened of trying to make it as a single mother.

FF to 2010 and I found out he never stopped cheating. Multiple LTAs. By this time the children had left home and I was already making exit plans because he was so difficult to live with.

I sometimes wonder if things would have been different if we had waited. In the early 1990's my father died, my mother had a serious stroke, we had two young children, moved into a new home and started a business. In hindsight the pressures on our relationship were enormous. I of course buckled down to work but FWH looked for stress relief elsewhere.

I don't fully understand your sich but I would think long and hard about another baby knowing what I know now.

HUGS

Laura


Married 32yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 60yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA 16+ years).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2754 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Theradin
♂ Member
Member # 38518
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, April 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow! Thanks, everyone, for your comments and advice. And I really agree with most all of it.

My WW and I spoke about this, and I think it is definitely best to hold off for awhile until ALL of this is behind us, and I feel 100% that all wayward issues have been fully resolved and that the chance of wayward relapse is close to nill.

Thanks again. I really appreciate everyone's support, as always!


ME: 33 BH
HER: 32 WW
Married: 8 years
Children: Yes
DDay #1: 02/22/2006 (ONS)
DDay #2: 09/23/2012 (EA/PA)
DDay #3: 12/07/2012 (EA/PA)
DDay #4: 01/03/2013 (EA/PA)
DDay #5: 01/24/2013 (EA/PA)
TT until 04/07/2013
100% NC: 04/18/2013

Posts: 190 | Registered: Feb 2013
HurtButHoping12
♀ Member
Member # 34918
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, April 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would wait a LONG time before ever jumping into that. My youngest (and final) baby was born about 2 1/2 weeks before the last and most serious DDay. I missed out on so much of the joy of having a newborn, because of what I had to deal with. I do not look fondly on her birth or the first few months of her life... in fact, thinking back on those makes me bitter and resentful :( I hate that my baby is a living trigger for me.

Pregnancy is stressful. Newborns are stressful. Adding another child into the fold is STRESSFUL. Given your list of recent DDays, the last thing you need is MORE stress. Babies just do not fix relationships. You need to be able to focus all your energy on fixing what is broken. You need to be well into R before even entertaining the idea of another child.

We are almost 2 years out, things are GREAT, my FWH is the very model of a truly remorseful spouse, and I still wouldn't even consider another child right now. You have to put your marriage above everything else, right now.


BW (me):30
WH (guiltfilled11): 31
together 11 years, married 5 years
DDay: July 6th 2011
False R: beginning of August
True R until DDay 06/20 - talking to another girl and lying about it
Kids: DD 7, DS 4, DD 3

On the fence... do I stay or do


Posts: 183 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: NY
Topic Posts: 20

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