Our marriage became long distance 6/08 due to career issues (I started residency in Cali, his plan was to follow me), and although things were great between us, I started feeling something was not right, so I snooped in his email and found a copy of an airline ticket for one of his "friends". The weekend she was scheduled to be in town, I called him and could not get him on the phone, which made me feel sick to my stomach cause I knew the truth at that point. On October 6th, 2008, I called the OW I suspected him of being with and she said they slept together and that she was shocked to find out he was married.
I sent him separation papers 4 days after D-Day. He said he was wrong, it is all his fault, and he wished he would have read a CNN article I sent him earlier (basically about setting boundaries and how affairs develop unintentionally). He says he has been devastated because we are soul mates and doesn't know what he would do without me.
We ended up reconciling (but i didn't hold him to therapy like a dummy because he did one session and hated it), had a long distance marriage until 2009 when he moved in with me in LA (in between time he lived in N cali). When i finished residency i got a job in n cali cause his job was based there. I got pregnant 7/2011 but miscarried. That brought us closer. On 7/8/12 we had a beautiful baby boy. We were getting ready to buy a house on his va loan and doing pretty well.
Suddenly 2 days ago Friday 4/19 he texted me and said he wanted to kill himself and later said that his credit score had gone way down so I would have to ask the loan processor to try the mortgage with me alone. He wouldn't tell me why his score went down, refused to talk about it except to say he was devastated. Now I don't know if he wanted me to check cause I do have access to all his accounts. I checked his credit report and it said "family court, child or family support" for $10,000!!!!!!! Judgement 10/12. So now there was another OW suing him for child support???? The prior OW was in Colorado and this court is based in the county where he used to live when I was in LA and he was in northern Cali after we reconciled. I am praying this baby is way old and he just recently found out but I doubt it. I'm devastated. He seemed so accountable for the last few years. That's all i've found so not sure whether there's an active affair. Planning to confront him when he comes back from a business trip. He left after d-day today but my aunt will be in town next weekend so I want to wait until she's gone. This is so crappy because my brother in law is staying with us for a little bit so it's like do I kick them both out? If I qualify for the house alone which I should I am thinking to get it and tell DH he can't come. He would have like 6 weeks notice to find a new pad for him and brother in law.
I hate the idea of divorce and being a single mom but also the idea of forgiving him AGAIN and paying child support. He seems to be a serial cheater who is able to completely compartmentalize and is too dumb to use a condom. My poor baby deserves better!!! Open to any advice
ETA: found the court record and found the OW. She used to work with me and was in his karate dojo when we lived in Philly. Skank. At least the kid is 4 so they cheating time period was the same
[This message edited by careerlady at 8:15 PM, April 21st (Sunday)]
I will agree with the other poster. 180 him and get all the information together that you can. He needs to come clean and tell you everything, and you're right, you and your baby deserve better than this.
My poor baby deserves better!!!
Your poor baby and YOU deserves better.
"And this above all else, to thine own self be true"
My STBXH never told me himself but dropped hints like yours. He'd type "I'm a bad, bad man", whenever I tried to talk abut marriage last year. Or he'd type "I'm not a monster", but I never knew to what he referred.
I wonder if your WH is doing a similar thing and thinking if you look up the credit cards, you'll find the A's without him having to tell you? That's what my STXH wanted, was for me to know without him telling me.
For me, it's one the most cowardly and deceiptful thing a person can do. He's been gone a year and never filed for D. Makes excuses to relatives so i finally had to do it.
I also worry about our children and I forgave him once, but the false R sent me to emotional hell so it was a real lesson.
I hope very much you will get the house and if you decide not to let him come, then hope you get that. It doesn't sound like he deserves your forgiveness or family life with you, but it's the hardest thing to let go.
It's so much courage to confront them, I give you much credit and also for being thoughtful about it during the emotional turmoil as well. I imagine it will be very hard while the relatives are there and hope it will be okay someday.
Maybe in the long run for the new house and your child(ren) it might be a more peaceful place without your WH-and, it would be completely new and not tainted with reminders of his behavior and actions.
My house is very hard to be in sometimes because he started the online crap and the A here, but I want so much to overcome the ghosts and shadows and make the place mine and my children's home instead. I like that idea for you very much and maybe it could be a way to move on easier.
A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess
Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.
All I can honestly say is get the hell away from that guy as soon as you can. You deserve WAAAAAAAY better. Not only you, but your little baby. This guy has yucky written all over him. You seem incredibly intelligent, have a good head on your shoulders, and are surely a very good mom. Honestly, 180 that sleazeball and find something more on your maturity and commitment level
[This message edited by Theradin at 8:02 PM, April 21st (Sunday)]
Thanks for your support. It's still bad since he needs to discuss it with me and this will end up being $$$ but I feel much better to know he didn't do it again. I am leaning towards R now because the sex was part of the original forgiveness deal
[This message edited by careerlady at 8:21 PM, April 21st (Sunday)]
Paternity needs to be proven... And he needs to man up.. and figure this out.
What a shock; I'm so sorry. Take time before you start thinking about R. Even though this child was conceived long ago--your husband is still acting like a WS. HE is devastated, HE wants to kill himself. Me Me Me. What about your hurt? What about your pain? It doesn't seem as though he is communicating--he is just running away.
Don't offer R at this time--what is HE offering?
He's gotta man up before he deserves the gift of R again.
[This message edited by I think I can at 9:45 PM, April 21st (Sunday)]
He didn't even have the maturity to tell you straight out. Saying he wants to kill himself and then pointing you in the direction of the secret he has? Wth is that?!
That is not a healthy way of handling potential conflict at all. Based on what you wrote here it's a pretty darn big red flag actually that at the very least he has not learned good coping mechanisms and handles problems very poorly.
He has been lying to you about a HUGE, huge secret for four years. Well. Four years plus gestation. If he's hidden a child from you, what else could he be lying about? Don't even offer R until you feel you have the FULL truth. Trust your instinct and your gut. You'll know when you have it. Listen to what your body tells you.
It sounds like a judgment for back (unpaid child support). That would mean that OW had gotten a court order for child support in the past and your WH failed to pay it.
Your WH has known for awhile that he is supposed to pay this OW child support and has not. THere had been an ONGOING litigation for an extended period time before that judgment was filed against him. The legal system does not work terribly fast.
It is this deception that is very troubling (not that the previously forgiven infidelity begat an OC). I think you need to have a very blunt conversation with your WH and ask him to come clean.
"If only I can fight just a little longer, I know it's gonna make me stronger" Jamie Grace-Holding on.
He LIED about the OC. He didn't tell you there was one! And he clearly knew about the child since his veiled attempt to direct you to the truth worked. He lied. Again. Kept a secret, and quite a large one too!
That is what we are all seeing we understand this child is a result of an A that hapoened years ago, and you worked through that PA. But, gently here, career lady-- he has a child with the OW that he never told you about.
How much more is there to the truth that you don't know!?? And are you willing to keep living in the dark wih him?